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  • feeling hopeless

    I am feeling hopless right now. I have been a single mother for the past 2 years. the father makes good money, but he did not care about my pain and ignored me... literally ignored me had NOTHING to say, not a single word... i couldnt take the isolation and left. He does not send us money and right now I am living on less than 300 a month. i cannot pay my bills and i am about to lose my car and insurance. I cannot work, i havent worked in about a year now due to my severe pain and i am on pain meds as well. no one understands (except you guys) what it is like to have a piece of glass lodged in the urethra all day ( feels like that) and a damaged bladder. I feel hopeless that I will ever be able to help others and be important in this world, i feel i am smart and have a lot to offer in the workplace, i am a speed reader, one of my only talents and i want to be a writer and a nurse midwife. but i am feeling defeated, i feel the joke is on me, because i am busting my ass for nursing school but will not be able to hold a job, i cant lift or be on my feet long , cant sit for long, and i am on pain meds just to get up in the morning. no one will hire me even with a RN. i feel pathetic and i just wanted to have an important job but i feel that is out of reach, i couldnt even waitress for 20 hours a week, how will i be an RN for 40 hours a week. my family tells me i wont get bathroom breaks as a nurse and it will be long hours. i jjust want to work with pregnant woman and babies. i feel like a loser, i do not want to go on diability, i will have long days with nothing to do with my time, not having an impact on the world, i feel like a failure. i feel regret for having my daughter, she does not have the life she deserves, i cant give her things she deserves like preschool, dance classes, a mommy who isnt crying and depressed. I feel she will have an awful life because of me. she will be embarrased i am her mother. a mom who cant work, a mom who is poor and cant buy her the things she needs. we are living in the "projects" and i feel ashamed to tell people my adress. no one knows i live in the projects this is the first time i have admitted it to anyone. i am ashamed, i feel like all i want is a nice family and more children, a father for my kids and a man who will understand my pain, no one wants a girl who cant drink, cant have sex, cant go out dancing or to a movie, and constantly has a "mean" or sad look or an "in pain" look on her face. the men i want, ones with careers, a nice home and car take one look at me and run, i am beautiful but even that isnt enough to get a high quality boyfriend, because i live in a poor housing complex and have a child, they think i am trash but really,, i am smart and i COULD help people, i want a career, i want to work... but i cant. I see no way out, i cant afford to buy IC books,. i can't afford the IC coffee, i can't afford accupuncture , i cant afford a lawyer and I feel i will be poor forever. I try to put on a happy face, no one would ever know the pain i am in because I am attractive and thin, people think i have this great life, but no one knows the agnony i am in over my pain and financial situation. I feel like a loser that i cant " suck it up" and get a job. I feel like i am a wimp , why cant i just suck it up and work??????? I am christian and i know god has a purpose for me, but i feel like i am just suffering, i feel like he must be punishing me for something. I feel like many women would give anything for the beautiful daughter i have, and i feel ashamed that i cant give her everything she wants. i feel ashamed that her father and i split up. I feel ashamed that i have a damaged bladder and urethra and that no one can relate to having a feeling of being stabbed in the peehole day in and day out. my pain meds do next to nothing for me i have such a tolerance. I only have 3 days to decide if i should file for SSDI, because i need to file before my 22nd birthday which is christmas. ( that way i can get more money bc of my dads case) . I feel that if i go on SSDI my life would be less fufilling, but i know in my heart i cannot work full time. i have been denying it, and continuing with school, but i feel like its a waste to bust my ass and sit in pain for the classes. the saddest part is that i was soooo happy i got a B in physiology, i am at the top of the class and would be a great nurse, but i know i cant do the long 8 -12 hr shifts. I know this is a total poor me post, and im sorry for even posting it, it sounds pathetic and oh wahh poor me, poor me... but i am just so sad that at 21 years old i am looking at giving up my dreams of a career. I am also sad that i failed my daughter by nor giving her the family she deserved. its just the 2 of us now, and i really wanted a nice family, a husband and a few more kids, a nice home, a career. but it seems my life will always be me alone, or with an abusive man, medical appointments, not being able to have a spottless home and homecooked meals, , i invisioned being a super mom, who had a nice home and husband, a few children and a fufilling career. i feel i failed myself and i see no way out of my misery. another thing i beat myself up for is the IC diet. I do my best but yet i am in pain 24/7. i see a counselor, i see a uro gyn, ive done PT, instills, and take tons and tons of pills yet i have yet to recover
    my name is Katie, 22 yr old mother & nursing student. I want to be a writer and midwife.

    I have severe IC w/ hunner ulcers and urethritis with lesions ENDO, chronic pelvic pain, PFD adhesions, scoliosis, arthritis,migraines,asthma chronic pain.

    Mother to a beautiful little girl. She has my heart and she's everything to me. Thinking positive and consciously untensing tense muscles helps a ton!!!! physical therapy also helps a lot.

  • #2
    i also meant to say, my question was should i apply for SSDI? i only have til christmas to apply to qualify under my dads case meaning more money.

    also, the father is court ordered to pay, but doesnt. I have tried getting him to pay, the courts told me a new evaluation will only happen once every 3 years.

    also, i have tried getting IC books and cookbooks at the library, there isnt a single IC book at any library nearby.
    my name is Katie, 22 yr old mother & nursing student. I want to be a writer and midwife.

    I have severe IC w/ hunner ulcers and urethritis with lesions ENDO, chronic pelvic pain, PFD adhesions, scoliosis, arthritis,migraines,asthma chronic pain.

    Mother to a beautiful little girl. She has my heart and she's everything to me. Thinking positive and consciously untensing tense muscles helps a ton!!!! physical therapy also helps a lot.

    Comment


    • #3
      Katie,
      I am so sorry to hear about your situation! I know it seems so helpless and frustrating!! (sorry for my bad spelling ahead of time ) living with IC and chronic pain is so hard, and it is true, no one understands it but those of us going through it! And don't you dare apologize for feeling bad or "sorry" for yourself, as you called it. You are "hurting", emotionally and physically. You deserve to vent and tell it like it is whenever you want! You need to get these feelings off your chest and and know there are others out there that care. I do!! I feel your pain and I was silently crying when I read your post because I feel a lot of the same things you feel as well. I have been married for 14 years and have 4 kids but I still feel so alone as well. My husband tries to understand my sicknesses but it is hard for him to do, so our marriage does suffer. But their is hope. We are starting some counseling and believe it or not, it is getting better. This is after 5-6 years of being alone with my desease and suffering with little to no compassion from my husband. He missed the wife and mother I was before my IC and so he would not except the "new" me, if you will. He would tell me to just "get up and FEEL better", "will yourself to feel better, push yourself", stuff like that. Oh yaeh, thats really easy for us to do, snap our fingers and "puuff" we are better. I would have done that years ago if it was that easy!! (wouldnt we all!!) And your daughter knows you love her and will understand when she is old enough to. My four totally understand me and when they don't, we talk about it. All you can do is try your best and love her with all your heart and she will turn out great. She is lucky to have a mommy who loves her like you do. I too want to be a RN and work in labor and delievery so I understand your situation. I am blabbing on and on to say, there is hope for your future, even with everything you have going on. I am glad you have God as I do, but I know it is still hard and that is why we have each other on this web site to reach out to and pray with each other!! I will be praying for you and your beautiful daughter who is VERY lucky to have a mother who loves her and wants the best for her and who is trying her hardest to give her what she needs. Remember, you did not ask to get sick, or to not be able to work, it happened to you so you just try your best and take one day at a time. (easier said than done, huh? about the disability situation, I can't tell you what to do but I can give you some good advice. I am currently on ssi, I just got approved a month ago after trying for 2 1/2 years. I was sooo devestated and sad to think that I had to go on disability too, but it was the best thing to do for now. I don't want to be on ssi forever, but for now, it helps me and my family. So I humbled myself and did it. I am glad I did cause it has helped take some of the financial worry away and helped with the stress of not being able to work. I still am believing for God to do a miracle and either heal me or make me well enough to work agian and become a nurse!!! why not hope, believe, and dream, I have seen it happen to others, why not me and you?!!! Well, I hope at least some of my blabbing has helped you in some way. It's ok to feel down once in a while, but things will get better. You are a good mom and person, I can just tell!!! You are just going through life's challenges, some of them are just harder than others! lol Hang in there, and I am here if you ever need to chat. I will be praying for you!! Merry Christmas, take care, and God Bless, Cassandra P.S. There is a special someone out there for you, he just has not shown up yet. God has the perfect husband and future for you, its coming, hang in there! You can PM me here on this site or email me if you need anything at [email protected] I am also on facebook under Cassandra Botello Macias.
      Last edited by cass2376; 12-24-2009, 01:03 AM.
      dx Fibromyalgia April 2000
      dx Endo. Dec. 2003 had hystorectomy Feb. 2004
      dx IC May 2004
      dx Acid Reflex Nov. 2009
      dx Restless Leg Syndrom July 2010
      dx Degenerative Arthritis in my spine Oct. 2011
      lost my mind: A long time ago!! LOL

      Isaiah 41:31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

      Meds: Elmiron 100mg once daily, Gabapentin 3200mg daily for nerve pain, Trazadone 50mg, Morphine ER 30mgs 2 times a day for chronic pain , Norco 10/325mg 2 times a day for breakthrough pain, Simvastatin 20mg for high cholesterol, Omeprazole 40mg once a day for Acid reflux, Oxybutynin 5mg twice daily for bladder frequency and spasms, Pyridium as needed, and Zyrtec once daily for allergies
      Also a big hug and kiss from my husband Joe and my 4 kids-Jo-Jo, Jenae, Victoria, and Janelle everyday as needed, ( I take this "med" often )!!!!

      Comment


      • #4
        If there's a court order for child support payments, you can file criminal charges for non-payment. I'm reasonably certain he would rather pay than go to jail. Give the District Attorney's office a call and ask how to go about doing it. You don't have to have money to file charges.

        Donna
        Stay safe


        Elmiron Eye Disease Information Center - https://www.ic-network.com/elmiron-p...mation-center/
        Elmiron Eye Disease Fact Sheet (Downloadable) - https://www.ic-network.com/wp-conten...nFactSheet.pdf

        Have you checked the ICN Shop?
        Click on ICN Shop at the top of this page. You'll find Bladder Builder and Bladder Rest, both of which we are finding have excellent results.

        Patient Help: http://www.ic-network.com/patientlinks.html

        Sub-types https://www.ic-network.com/five-pote...markably-well/

        Diet list: https://www.ic-network.com/interstitial-cystitis-diet/

        AUA Guidelines: https://www.ic-network.com/aua-guide...tial-cystitis/

        I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.
        [3MG]

        Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool

        Comment


        • #5
          Katie,

          I'm on SS too for my IC. I do have a college degree. This disease does not discriminate. I'm just thankful that there is a system no matter how screwed up it is regardless it is still there. It doesn't mean that it has to be forever either. JUst stay in today.

          I just want to say also, God does not punish us for anything. That's why we have free will. God cries when we do. It does sound like there is a lot of self loathing going on. We did not choose to have this disease and when I think sometimes "why me"? Well, why not me?? Why do I think that I'm better than the next person??

          All you can do is stay in today and do what you can today and that's it! Be the best that you can today and today only!!

          Hugs and blessings
          MARY


          Serenity isn't freedom from the storm.....it's peace within the storm.....I had my sick bladder removed Jan 7th 2010.....Even though I had many complications.......I would do it again in a moment.....I have no regrets......Sunflowers in memory of my sister who passed March 14th 2010......they were her favorite....

          Comment


          • #6
            Katie, Hang in there hun!

            If your IC is really bad right now I encourage you to file for SSD, This way you can get that going and just use that money until you can get your IC under control.. IF you are denied a SSD a lawyer cost nothing up front!!If you win your case They take it out of your Back pay..If they do not win your case you owe them nothing!

            But try to think positive MANY MANY people get better with IC.. And those who still suffer learn what treatments do help them..

            I hope you are following the IC diet and please try different meds.. I went through quite a few before I found the combo that works best for me..

            And please remember you are not alone and you do have meaning!!
            Hugs
            Ronda

            ONE Second, ONE Bite, ONE Breath, ONE Pill, ONE Minute, ONE Teardrop, ONE Hour, ONE Sip.. ONE DAY! I will Prevail from this disease! IC Hoping for a Cure!


            Link to Patient Handbook:
            http://www.ic-network.com/handbook/

            Diet Reference Sheet:
            http://www.ic-network.com/diet/icndi...tsheet0909.pdf

            Meds For IC: Lyrica-25mg Glucosamine-500 MSM-500mg, Prosed Ds -When Flaring

            Other Meds: Levlite- Continious Birtcontrol, Micardis-40mg for High Blood Pressure

            Meds I have Tried:
            Topamax,Tofranil, Elmiron, Atarax, Cymbalta, Elavil, Enablex, Detral La, Prydium.
            Lexapro< Bad reaction to this med!
            Intstills, could not continue them due to some kind of reaction after 3rd instill. Tasted the lidocaine in my mouth, tongue and lips went numb then went into what seemed like a panic attack. Shaking, racing heart, tingling face/head, blood pressure shot up..

            Dx With IC in Nov 2006 with Hydro/Cysto
            Hydro/Cysto Caused Bladder to Rupture.

            Other Dxs-Vulvodynia,Fibro, Endo, IBS, HPV, Migraines, Spastic Colon, Mild Dysplasia.



            ICN Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

            Comment


            • #7
              I can totally relate, not about the single mom part,but I am a mom. My daughter is only six, but we talk about it, she knows about my conditions and surgeries. Like the others my husband tries to understand, but I know he doesn't. I too am thinking about applying for SS. I have thought about it for about a year now, I miss work now and then for migraines, which no one really gets until I'm puking in front of them. I have to have extra time off for surgeries,etc. I too wish there was someone around me who totally understood. I have been doing PT,but the cost is catching up. Good luck and I will be thinking about you and your schooling.

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