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vm · 11-11-2002, 10:11 AM

Christine: I am glad you could get all that out. I am in recovery and my husband has had some ups and down with addiction, too. I know many of the feelings you are describing and they can be so overwhelming and scary. Have you ever gone to AlAnon? I started going about 3 years ago and it has really helped me a lot. It helped me to have people to talk to who had been there and who would not judge me. It was uncomfortable and scary to go in the beginning - I really had to kind of force myself to go, but I am so glad I did.

I am thinking of you. Don't be too hard on yourself, OK? It is a very difficult thing to deal with and no one does it perfectly. Well, people who have never "been there" sometimes think they would do it perfectly..... <img src="graemlins/lmao.gif" border="0" alt="[lmao]" />

<img src="graemlins/grouphug.gif" border="0" alt="[grouphug]" />

**Teri** · 11-11-2002, 01:00 PM

Christine~when I married my husband I had been clean and sober for 26 months. We had to postpone one wedding date because he was off getting hi. Well, we married and he stayed clean and sober...for that summer. I was laid off summers so he had someone to babysit him all the time and keep him out of the dope house. Well, on the VERY day I returned to work he went off on a 3 day binge. His druggin' should have killed him. I would lay in bed at night and pray that he would hit a tree and die. That way he wouldn't have the chance to hurt anyone else in an accident AND I would have an easy out of the marriage. I did such cruel things, like give him greeting cards that were sympathy cards that I was going to send to his family when he finally did manage to kill himself. That 3 day binge turned into a 5 1/2 month binge.

While this was going on I was still going to a meeting almost every day, for MY sobriety, not his. Well, on his last binge he said the most hateful God awful things in the world to me, words that will NEVER leave my head. I came home from work, it was a sunday night, and got ready to leave for my meeting. I was meeting a girl there to get the name of her attorney. Welp, he walked into "MY" meeting and I was sooooooooooo ****** that if I'd have had a gun I'd have killed him, how dare him come to MY meetings, if he wanted to go to a meeting he should have gone somewhere else.

When I finally went home that night I got all the usual promises. That was on 1/11/91 and he has not picked up since. The man won't even take an asprin. He was one of God's miracles. I know exactly what you are going thru. I know all of the feelings that are going thru your head and your heart and if you are not going to get out of that house you have GOT to find AlAnon meetings to save YOU.....screw him. It's YOU that you have to be concerned with right now. Eventually he will have you believing all the cruel hateful things he says to you. I can promise you that. And, that's all I can promise you. The meetings don't cost a dime. It's very very hard in the beginning. You are in a room with all of these people who you don't know. You don't even have to speak. Just go 3 times a week, listen and within a month you will know that you are with the people you need to be with.

There are many many people who manage to live their lives with someone who is practicing. AlAnon is NOT about you leaving your husband. It's about taking care of YOU. That madness you are feeling and that need to talk to someone IS treatable but you have got to do the footwork. I'm sure there are on-line meetings but they will not give you the same effect as face to face. It's amazing once you get to know the other people and you watch the healing take place. You can actually 'see' it in their faces and their eyes.
PLEASE let yourself heal. PLEASE get yourself the help that YOU need and let him to what ever it is that he chooses to do. He doesn't have to take you down the drain with him.......

e-mail me if you want, tell me to kiss your fanny if you want. Just know that I know every single bit of your pain.

gentle hugs~

***ICNDonna*** · 11-11-2002, 02:54 PM

The others are right. Please find an Alanon group near you. It's typical for an alcoholic to blame others for their addiction --- that way they don't have to admit that they have a problem.

Sending an encouraging hug,
Donna

**Christine36** · 11-20-2002, 05:19 AM

I am back, Things are so out of control here it is terrible. Since I first posted, My husband has of course promised me the moon, stars, and sun which he of course does all the time and I being the stupid "wishful thinker" that I am believe him. That was about one week ago.

I can't really go into what a jerk I am, and I have not yet paid my car payment but I paid several other bills and bought some things he needed for a job he is doing.(like an idiot)Monday he got a sizable amount of money, which I was supposed to get because he used my money for supplies. Well he did not come home until 8:00am Tuesday morning. And I got no money. I can't stop kicking myself for being so stupid, you would think that I would learn after being burned 1000 times, but no.

I am in such a flare I can hardly move, my pelvic muscle is in such spasm, I can't urinate and am in the bathroom every 5 minutes and all I do is walk around in a fog and cry. I did go to an Alanon meeting but I did talk to anyone yet. And really have no one to talk to.

I have applied for section 8 housing and also having been looking in the papers for somthing I can afford. The biggest problem so far is I can't find a place that will take all my animals and I am very worried. If I can't have them I will be even more heartbroken. This is all so huge for me right now, I can't even absorb it all. Not that I didn't see it coming but I have "denied" it for so long. My daughter, My house, my gardens, my animals, are the only things I have left in the world. I would love to stay here and probably could afford it if he left, but he is making my life very difficult, and I just need to get away from him as I have been going through this for many years and have had enough. Anyway as much as I have tried, he is very sick and my marriage is only what I have made it in my head. Its a joke. I just think it is somthing that it isn't and has not been for many, many years.

And to top it off, the holidays are right around the corner and that just makes it 10 times harder.

Here is my request. Could you all just pray for me that I will find a way to accept this situation, let things go and find some peace. I have been praying for acceptance but it has not been working on my own, and I thought maybe if I had some backup prayers, The Lord might help me accept the reality, that I have to let this life go and start a new one. Thanks.

Love to you all, <img src="graemlins/kissing.gif" border="0" alt="[kissing]" />

vm · 11-20-2002, 05:38 AM

I will absolutely pray for you, Christine. Absolutely. <img src="graemlins/kissing.gif" border="0" alt="[kissing]" />

**Tina Nacho** · 11-20-2002, 09:33 AM

Christine <img src="graemlins/grouphug.gif" border="0" alt="[grouphug]" /> :
I wish I could come to your house right now! There is nothing wrong with believing is someone and hoping for the best, but I think you know that the writing is on the wall regarding this situation. You have the choice to save yourself and your daughter or sink with the ship.

I know you're sick and it's the worst time not to feel like you can act, but you must. It's time to change the way you think(you don't have to move to do that) and formulate a plan. But you are the one who must be ready for the big change. Once you commit to it, everything will fall into place. I'm not saying it will be easy, it won't, but a least your future will be something you and your child can look forward to with hope. You cannot save your husband, but you can and must save yourself.

By the way, you are not the one who should move. He should! You have a serious medical condition, but even if we exclude that fact, you have a child involved in this. Obviously, he isn't too worried about his behavior and how it effects this child...so guess what? It's time for HIM to hit the bricks! Irresponsible behavior shouldn't be rewarded, so it's time for your husband to get the ultimate wake up call from reality. No one can tell you not to have compassion for your husband, in fact, he very much needs it...and so do you!

AlAnon is a great start in understanding your behaviors that enable your husband to do what he's doing. This does NOT mean his addiction is your responsibility, IT IS NOT. It just means that by staying where your are and looking back on your marital history, nothing seems to be different.

Changing the way you THINK = Changes in your behavior = Changes in your life. Think positive, formulate a plan, commit to the plan and move on to a brighter future for you, your daughter and the animals!>Tina

P.S. Please feel free to e-mail me directly at [email protected] I grew up with two alcoholics (addicts) and have a great deal of experience to offer.

**Christine36** · 04-09-2003, 08:13 AM

I SO UPSET AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY CAN SOMBODY PLEASE TELL ME OR AT LEAST JUST TALK TO ME.LET ME EXPLAIN A LITTLE WHAT IS GOING ON.

Well, I have not posted about this subject in a while, but needless to say I still had not left the relationship and was hanging on for dear life. Two months ago my husband totalled my car and things have just been bottoming out daily.

Okay so, after another week has passed without him giving me a dime to pay any bills and going out on a 2 day crack binge,today my husband finally moved out. I was at the Dr. scheduling my hysterectomy and I came home to a note. That said he was leaving. He has left me with no vehicle, no money,(I spent all mine paying the bills)All his clothes are gone, so I am assuming he is gone for good and that is okay,I really should be thankful but I am not. I am so upset and I really don't know why. He just so mad me.
And he's telling me that he doesn't trust me and that I have betrayed him. And as much as I know it is not true, I just feel so oh there aren't even any words right now to describe how I feel. I guess I feel like I can't breathe. Please someone tell me everything is going to be okay, even if you don't think it is, lie.

**Katherine** · 04-09-2003, 08:41 AM

Christine please go to Alanon / also please talk to wrap it is a women shelter. I am so sorry that you are struggling I pray that things will get better. I care grouphug grouphug prayers

Katherine

**yvette** · 04-09-2003, 09:11 AM

Christine, hang in there....I know its hard but it will get easier. Its good he left but change the locks, if you live in an apartment ---still go ahead & change the locks and get his name off the lease, agreement or any any record that says he shares occupancy.

He may want to come back when he's piddled thru all the money and his welcome is worn out with everyone else.

Can you get help from friends and family? Maybe even consider socking away money with a family member (a little here and there-$5, $10, $20's here and there). If you leave it with someone else's acct--he can't access it. You're prolly gonna need that money.

It's normal to be afraid, you're going out on your own---you'll love it, trust me...it can be a freaky expereince at first. But you really will be oK. And of course this man makes no sense....HE'S ON CRACK!! what crack-witch makes sense...it will always be everyone else's fault as to why he got a **** hand dealto him. And you CAN'T FIX him.

ASK FOR HELP...and keep asking. Katherine brought up a good point seeking counseling and a place like HAWC can help too. THey can give you advice and resources maybe non of us have mentioned. You don't need this guy... if this kind of guy was dating your sister, mother, best friend, wouldn't you speak up and say "dump the loser!"????...yes you would.

Don't freak, we're here for you!!!!
(((((((((christine))))))))))))))

y. :cool:

***ICNDonna*** · 04-09-2003, 09:45 AM

The others are absolutely right. Do you have any family you can lean on for a little while? Just keep telling yourself that you are not to blame. It's not your fault. If there's a Womenspace or other shelter near you, telephone them --- you do need to have a plan in place when he returns. And they will help you to understand that you have been living in an abusive situation and you need to get yourself our mentally as well as physically.

You will make it!

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

**Christine36** · 04-09-2003, 10:13 AM

Thank you for your words of comfort ladies.

I just got off the phone with a dear alanon friend. She is going to take me to a meeting on Friday. We read the passage about acceptance in the big book. Until then I will lean on you all here if you don't mind. I am going to try to get some sleep it has been an exhausting day.

Love to you all.

vm · 04-09-2003, 10:15 PM

Christine - I am soooo glad you can get to an AlAnon meeting. That program has made all the difference for me.

Do you have any of their devotional books - "Courage to Change" or "One Day At A Time in AlAnon"? Those little books are lifesavers for me. With the index in the back I can look up a topic such as - fear, anger, etc. - and find a few readings. Just being able to read something calm and reassuring takes the zing out of scary or sad moments for me.

If you have a little money, take it to your meeting so you can get a book. If you don't have the cash, please explain it to someone there and I am sure they will just give you one.

Hang in there. kissing

**Christine36** · 04-09-2003, 10:56 PM

Yvette, I live in a house. But I am calling my lawyer this morning and I want to change the locks. Does anyone know if that is okay to do if it is a house that he owns too. Are there any legal implications if I do that. I know he has rights(I don't really care about them but I know he has them.)

Also I went to get my meds this morning and he took them,all my pain meds, my elmiron, my antidepressants, I had some medication in my case that is marked with the days of the week and some percocet that I kept in my pocketbook but I just refilled everything at the beginning of the month. So now I have no money, no meds, no anything. I probably have enough medication to get me through till tomorrow. But then I will be out. What the hell am I going to do know. Does anyone think I should call my doctor or just suffer until I can get my meds. Because I am starting to get panicy. If I am out of pain med this weekend I will definatly go thru withdrawal. I have been takin Oxycontin for almost a year. I have never had anything like this happen before.

My pain is really bad this morning. I get like that when I am stressed, but at least I slept and that is good. I feel a little better today. I just feel sad. I am sure he treats his crack dealers nicer than he has treated me.But that is just it. When he left me he was so mad at me, it is like he hated me. I understand that is is the "disease" talking, but it still hurts and makes me feel like he never really cared.

I am also upset about my mother-in-law. He has her believing that this is all my fault. No one thinks I am sick, he tells her I am doing this so I can just keep getting pain meds. I don't believe this. But it is very difficult to keep my mouth shut and not try to explain to them how very lousy I feel all the time and how much I hurt.

**Christine36** · 04-09-2003, 11:00 PM

Kim,

I have the "courage to chage" book, "one day at a time in alanon" and alanon works. Anything in particular you think I should be reading?

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