Don't really know where to post this.

[Teri]

You've got a plan That's a great start. And, it sounds like that voice inside is telling you to stay, it's your house so go with it.

You're divorce will NOT be cheap. A crack addict changes skin a few dozen times a day and if he's got parents who are willing to enable him, be prepared to fight. Once you have made your decision, no matter how weak in the knees you get, you've got to stand your ground with him. Do you go to Alanon meetings???? IF not, this would be the perfect time to start! You are going to need all the cheap councelling you can get. Do you have a place to go for abused spouses? The abuse doesn't have to just be physical.....it's ANY kind of abuse.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend. Sit down and talk to yourself and LISTEN to what you are saying. You might not like your own answers sometimes but it's your life and it's in your hands right now.

And, if your parents have offered to help, let them. We have 5 kids and trust me, if they didn't want to help, they wouldn't have offered. We've been thru alot with ours, 26-32 and it seems to get harder than easier but we only offer help when we really really mean it.

sending some gentle hugs Christine kissing

[Tina Nacho]

Hi Christine:
You are stronger than you think and are wise enough to know which direction you need to take. I have confidence that you will make the right moves, so trust yourself. Like I've said before, you shouldn't be the one to sacrifice everything, because your husband has sacrificed enough for all three of you! He's taken more than a pound of flesh from you and the rest of the family. Any help that anyone has to offer should be seen as an extra push towards your current opportunity...freedom from a very unhealthy situation.

If you feel obligated towards the person(s) helping you, then offer to pay them back at some future date or simply be there for them the next time they need some help. Please do not refuse the help on the basis of pride. When someone steps forward to help out in these kinds of situations, they are the ones who you can truly count on. The door to your new life is right in front of you. It's up to you to commit to stepping through the door of opportunity before you and staying the course no matter what your soon-to-be EX-husband expects, thinks or says.

Hang in there.>Tina

[Jo]

Christine, For your sake and your daughter's, stay strong through all that is happening in your life. I do know what you are going through. I was also married to a drug addict/alcoholic for 17 years and we had two beautiful daughters. I loved the man he used to be before the drugs took everything away. He always made excuses for what he did, there was always someone or something else to blame and I tried to be the understanding wife and lover even though I knew he wasn't faithful to me. He had been through Viet Nam and I lived through those post tramatic nightmares with him. Throughout our marriage the abuse escalated from verbal, mental to very violent physical abuse. Along with the beatings, he would do things to me like point a rifle at me and pull the trigger and tell me the next time it would be loaded. He held a knife to my throat and also tried to choke me when I was about 7 months pregnant with my second daughter. He only stopped when my oldest daughter kept hitting on his back telling him to stop. Throughout our marriage, I also had been the one to work and pay for everything, including the home he picked out, his vehicles, all the bills, and carried him on my insurance. He played all the mind games with me too. I wasn't allowed to watch TV, read magazines, have friends, wear a seat belt in the car while he drove and my clothing had to be a certain way. Shirts buttoned to the top and so on. It was like riding on a roller coaster, or living with Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde. I always thought that this time he would really mean it when he would promise to stop the drugs and drinking and get help. Sadly for him he never did and it eventually caused his own death. The last time he beat me so bad, that when I came to, I was sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth against the kitchen wall with my oldest daughter shaking my shoulder asking me "Mommy, are you OK." That was in 1987 and he was on so many drugs, shooting up, popping pills and drinking anything he could get his hands on. We had already lost our home because he made me quit my job-after all everything was my fault for working-that was why he did all the things he did! I knew I might not survive the next time and I even thought about killing him and I had to protect my daughters. After he came down off of that binge, I had to be strong enough to stand up to him. I finally got him to leave and though for a while, I was subjected to his continued verbal abuse, eventually I was able to divorce him. He died a few years ago due to his drug behavior. I've remarried to a wonderful man who adopted my daughters as his own. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter had already seen too much and felt abandoned by her father and had to go through a lot of teenage problems before she finally came to terms with all the things that just can't be changed-no matter what you try to do-you can only change your life and what you will allow to happen to it and your daughter's life. I'm sorry this is long, but you need to know that there are other's that have made it, even though you will have to be stronger than you ever thought you could and you can do it. We all care for you, Jo

[Teri]

{{{{{Jo}}}}}Thanks so much for sharing your very painful story. My sister was involved in one like that and she finally packed up the kids and left. It was so bad that he had been molesting my sisters daughter by a different husband. My mother got Social Services involved in hoped that my niece would be taken out of the house. It didn't happen so my mother threatened my sister in a way only mothers can do and she gave up custody of my niece to live with her father. My sister left the house and within 2 years she got a call from a relative having trouble getting ahold of Steve so my sister went to his house. He'd been dead for between 5 and 7 days. That's the last memory my sister has of him but she had to protect herself and her kids.

These stories are horrible and we all think "that couldn't happen in my house". Welp ladies, it can!

[Jo]

Teri, Thanks. I think it must have been meant for me to have read Christine's post and to let her know that she does have the power to create a different and better life for herself and her daughter. It was mentally painful and difficult for me for a very long time after my divorce. I had been so isolated and there weren't the many help programs now available for domestic violence victims. It took a while, but I remember the feeling of coming "alive" again. There was so much horror during all those years that I had just shut down emotionally. After all those years, it all came back when his family asked me to check on him because they had received word through the VA/police about him being in the hospital on life support. We did and after his family faxed authority to have him taken off, he died a few days later. He was originally from North Dakota and had two brothers in California. None of his family could or wanted to come to Texas and I was asked by them to see to the funeral and burial arrangements. It brought back a lot of pain for me and my oldest daughter. It was such a shame that he wasted his life the way he did because he could have had such a loving family, but the way he chose to live his life was all his own choice. That is what I was trying to tell Christine, that she has the choice to not be treated that way. She owes it to herself and her daughter to have a better, peaceful life. Thank God we all have each other here on this board. Love to everyone, Jo

[Christine36]

I Love all of you so much. All your replies have helped me so the past couple of days. Jo, God bless you for being so strong and sharing your story. You know how you said you loved this man before the drugs took his life away, well that is exactly how I feel. The problem is that I am always looking for that man to return, (I am also always looking for the old me to return too, but that is a whole other post)not that he was not an addict when I met him, but the disease was still in its early stages. I have been waiting for that since the first rehab. But he is gone, and never coming back. That is the reason I believed when he made his empty promisies, I would think that for just a moment I saw the Brian I loved and married. I have always had a problems with acceptance. Having a chronic disease requires acceptance, living with a substance abuser requires acceptance, living in the present requires acceptance. I never realized it before but one of my biggest problems is the opposite of acceptance. Isn't that denial? I have lived in this world I have created in my head that has nothing to do with reality. It is a world where my husband is this charming wonderful man, who cares a great deal about me(like the man I met 13 years ago)In my mind this make believe man still existed so as soon as he made one of his empty promise's I thought "oh here is the guy I have been waiting for" and I would slip right back in to my bubble and spend my time there until someone came along with a pin. But it was never difficult for me to blow that bubble back up again even after it burst for the 1000th time. Boy is that sick. I need a lot of work.

A couple of days ago Kim posted the passage about acceptance under the topic"Favorite Recovery Passages" and the very same day my sister in law told me to keep reading that same passage over and over, especially when I found myself obsessing or feeling particularly anxious. Since I was presented with that passage twice in one day. (and I have never seen it before) I am convinced that my higher power had something to do with it. I am really trying to let that power guide me right now. But sometimes its hard, because fear or my distorted sense of reality,gets in my way.

But I feel okay about things today. I did get to a alanon meeting last night and It made me feel good. I put on one of my favorite skirts and did my hair and makeup. I never have any where to go so it was like a big night out and I am so used to bumming around in sweats and a big t-shirt I thought it would make me feel good and it did. And today when I woke up I realized something else. That althought I am scared, that feeling in my gut of "impending doom" had changed. It is because I no longer have to worry about his mood influencing the rest of the house. Its kinda nice.

I am going to take a nice long walk and then I am off to another alanon meeting.

Love to all of you. kissing

[auntiedeb]

{{{{{{{{[[[everyone}}}}}}}}} thankyou for sharing your stories. Your strength, hope and accpetance of this program. You even helped me I am in a 12 step program alanon, havent' been to any meetings lately due to work and me being in so much pain. While I am recovring from my operation, I am going to try to go to some meetings. Thanks for sharing your experinces too. Prayers headed your way. Hang in there. There is hope. Let go and Let God. Live and Learn.

[vm]

Christine, you sound so much better. I always remind myself during crises that it will be up and down. But I try to hang onto the "up" times and remember during the downs that it WILL go up again... That the down is temporary and things will seem different as time passes.

Glad to hear you sounding better, sweetie. kissing

[Christine36]

Thanks Kim, I did have a little down time this morning, because he called me at 7:30am to ask me a stupid question. I read a little AlAnon literature. And now I am going to work in the garden.

I am having a little problem with this lawyer thing tomorrow. I know I have to do it but I really don't want to. I am really trying to stay in today, in this moment. Easier said than done.

Thanks again everyone.
You all have helped me see things so much more clearly.

Love and kisses kissing

[Jo]

Christine, To accept the finality of divorce was not an easy thing for me. I also had hoped that something would happen and my first husband would finally realize what he was giving up. I remember praying and saying, "God, I give up and give him to you". You see I had to realize that he would have to change himself, nothing I could do or say would do that for him, I couldn't "fix" whatever was wrong in his head. I also knew I had reached my bottom when I got to the point that I was contemplating killing him to make everything OK. That shook me up so much because I thought how could I have let myself come to that type of thinking. He would not go for rehab and had told me that if I had him commited, he would play their games and when he got out, he would kill me. I knew he was capable of doing that from all of the things he had done to me and other people. Even before our divorce was final, he even told my daughters that he was going to have me killed and it was a fear that I lived with for many years. The strange thing was that even before I found out that he was dying, I had begun to pray for him. I've also made sure my daughters understood that it was his choice to live the life he did and that his choice was because the drugs and alcohol had control over him and it had nothing to do with us. I've also tried to tell them about his heritage and family so that there would be a part of him that they could be proud of. And Christine, without having gone through all that we did, I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters and maybe I wouldn't even appreciate the life I have now. The healing in our minds and hearts is not an overnight thing and there are times I still have nightmares about the things that happened. But I look at my daughters and thank God that they are part of my life. Christine, I will be praying for you that your lawyer will help you take some of the burden from your shoulders. kissing Jo

[auntiedeb]

{{{{{{{{{{{Christine}}}}}}} You sound so good and postive. I am glad that you read some alanon litureatre. good for you. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

{{{{{{{{Jo}}}}}}}} thanks so much for sharing your story with me and us. I really appreciate it. Isee your strength, expernice and hope. There is always hope.

Hang in there. One day at a time.

[Christine36]

My strength comes and goes. He was here 2 times today and I have had a terrible day because of this. This is because I allowed it to bother me and there is really no other good reason. I am just dreading tomorrow(lawyer) I am sick to my stomch about it. I am going to read the alanon lit and see if there is anything that can get me out of this.

I wish I could have a slumber party and invite all of you to sleep at my house. You all make me feel so much better. wink

See you all tomorrow

[vm]

A slumber party would be fun wouldn't it? Hang in there, Christine. God will carry you through the hard times. Sometimes I imagine Jesus sitting right beside me, holding my hand when I am somewhere and am nervous. I don't know if you believe in Jesus, but if you do you might try that. It really helps me when I do it. I used to do it at night during bad times -- used to imagine Him just holding me as I cried...

[Katherine]

hugs and prayers wow I am so pleased that everyone here supports and loves each other.
Any relationship physical sexual or verberal emotional or addictive abusive is dangerous and needs to be left and safety found. Please my daughter was almost killed by her soon to be xhusband and he sexually abused her./
please get out as quickly as possible for your daughter and your self and animals sake.
Take care.
katherine

[Christine36]

Kim, I used to do the same thing. And Jesus would tell me in this comforting voice that he loved me and everything would be all right. Sometimes he would just stroke my hair. The vision was so soothing, so real And I would actually fall asleep feeling his love.

But I have lost touch with him. And I know he is still there, I am sure that he is closer than I think. I am going to have him soothe me to sleep tonite you can bet on that.

Katherine, don't worry I am going to do everything I said tomorrow regarding the lawyer. As much as I dread it. It is what must be.

Good nite everyone