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The Toddler Diet and A Tight Bond with God

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  • The Toddler Diet and A Tight Bond with God

    Closer to God

    A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
    And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

    The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

    And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

    _________________________________________________


    Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results

    People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
    Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

    DAY ONE:

    Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

    Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.

    Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

    Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

    Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

    Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

    DAY TWO:

    Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.

    Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

    Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

    Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.

    Then bring inside and drop on rug.

    Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

    DAY THREE:

    Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.

    After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

    Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

    Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

    Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

    FINAL DAY:

    Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

    Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

    Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
    Mommy to 2 crazy, wonderful kids and wife to the most amazing man in the world!

  • #2
    lmao lmao lmao

    Cali
    Cali

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