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Why does he always make me cry on my b-day?

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  • Why does he always make me cry on my b-day?

    I just don't understand it. Maybe I'm being childish, but to me b-days are a really big deal. They always have been in my family, and I've explained that to him for the past 9yrs and he still can't get it right. He asked what I wanted about a week ago, and I told him that I really couldn't think of anything, but that he could make me a cake or something. Well, he kept whining about the cake and how he was going to make it, and when and all that, so I told him to just forget it, so that's my fault, but then all weekend he kept on about taking me out for my b-day to eat. Then yesterday I went into the shop to see him and tell him that I'd rather just go into town and get something and lounge at home (my sinuses are all messed up so I really didn't feel like driving for an hour to eat) and he wouldn't talk to me b/c he was "busy". So, then, after he told me he'd be home early in the afternoon so we could go do something, he calls at 5:20 and says he'll be home in about 10mins. At 6:00 I called the shop and no answer. 6:05 (maybe he was outside for a sec) no answer. So I call his cell-"I'll be right home"-5mins later he shows up covered in grease, still needing to take a shower to go out I just don't get it!!! I wouldn't have been upset if he just would've said, "I'm going to be busy. I might be later than I thought." Anything!!!! And then he gets home, and no cake, no card, no nothing, and what irks me the most is that we just had this talk on the cruise about this and how I'm tired of never looking forward to my b-day anymore b/c he always it up!!!!! Why would a person do that to somebody that they're supposed to love when they know its a big deal to them???? Every Year!!!!! I haven't had a birthday with him yet that he hasn't dissappointed me. I'm supposed to do his 30th this year, I was actually really looking forward to it, not now. **** his birthday. Oh, and to make it all better, I was all mad and stressed so I flared

  • #2
    ahhh Leah!!! Dont let him upset you! men are stupid. I was brought up that birthdays are really a big deal too. I'm sorry you had such a crummy b-day... my b-day last year stunk too... my bf didnt take me out to dinner or do anything. (he got me a gift) but my birthday is always a big deal to me. I'm not saying spend a lot of money... just make you feel special you know?? I know how you feel. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!



    Dance like no one is watching
    Love like you've never been hurt
    Live today like it's your last

    Dxd with IC in June '06


    • #3
      Leah so sorry that your b-day wasn't so good. Just wanted to send hugs.

      Hugs, Trishann


      • #4
        sending you great big hugs.. last year was my 40th b-day... he never said anything to me. I picked him up from work, he wanted to go by the store, so we stopped. I was thinking he would get me a card....... we drive home, and about a mile from the house he told me, I guess I'll just get you a card tomorrow since I didn't get to a store... I was enraged, and told him not to F'ing bother...
        This year.. lol which Sat was my b-day, I had ;plans to go out that didn't include him.. they got canceled.. he never told me happy b-day, but he ased jake if he told mommy happy b-day.. they are important to me too and every year I am forgotten.....

        'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'


        • #5
          I am so sorry that he didnt come thru for you on your B-day. For what it's worth, my husband is also missing the birthday gene. I have explained the importance of birthdays and holidays to him many times and what for me constitutes good ones, but he always falls way short. It seems that most men suck at doing their part to make special occasions special. I have no idea why they dont get that all they have to do is mimic what we do for them on their birthdays! I mean we always have their favorite kind of cake for them that we have bought or made. We always have a gift that we have put some thought into, and we always pick out a card that expresses our feelings and write something personal it prior to signing our names. Then we try to spend time with them doing something they love, with people they like. We also usually go to alot of trouble and either cook their favorite meal, or get all dressed up so we can take them out to eat at their favorite restraunt. Most of us also take it upon ourselves to call other people to remind them of our spouses birthday, (like their siblings, parents, friends, etc.) so they can send a card, a gift or at least call and appear thoughtful.

          We are not talking about children here with no prior birthday experiances to draw from and dont know what is generally done on birthdays! That is why it is all the more infuriating that these people who have been the recipiants of many happy birthdays courtesy of us cannot fathom of ONE thing to do for us when our turn rolls around! GRRRR!!!! And to top it off, if after all we do for them on their bithdays, if they STILL couldnt think of one thing to do for us on ours, they COULD pick up the phone (or walk in the next office), and ask ANY woman, and she would gladly tell them what is expected from them. That is half the world's population that they could ask if they didnt know what to do, and yet every year, every one of them feign ignorance or forgetfullness!!! GRRR!!!

          Can you tell I have been there? Can you tell I totally sympathize? That's b/c I have been there every stinking year. In 2 weeks, I will have been married 8 yrs. But, be on the lookout, b/c I am sure that on March 27th, you will see a post from me about 9 pm from me, writing about how he has forgotten our anniversary again this year. Then, the next day he will show up with something, and I am suppossed to act like it is wonderful just to get something, even though at that point it will only be b/c he thinks he has to, not b/c he is wanting to celebrate our marriage. I now have no expectations whatsoever for anything anymore, except the expectation that he will disappoint me, b/c he ALWAYS comes thru on that one when it comes to special days!

          Sorry to sound so bitter, but it still hurts my feelings, even though I know he loves me. He just totally blows at holidays! But, I know he loves me b/c he is there for me day in and day out, just as yours is. We both know that even though they screw up alot, it also isnt easy living with someone with a chronic disability either. We also have our flaws. But, they havent bailed on us yet, even though they could have left whenever they wanted. But, they havent. So, I try to put it in perspective of all the other days that he IS there when I need him. Maybe it would help for you to do the same. I know it hurts. (I guess you can tell that!) But, I also know that a marriage isnt made up of one day. It is all the days in between. It is the love you feel when your feelings arent so hurt and the pain isnt so fresh.

          Not that I ought to give advice on this subject, (since I obviously havent got it mastered yet), but I will say this.... I REFUSE to hide my pain and disappointment from my husband when he is the cause of it. I will NOT lay alone and cry in the dark, and shelter him from my tears. I used to, but not anymore! As of this past one, and from now on, if he causes my pain, then by gosh, he is gonna feel it as long as I do!!!! I figure, maybe he will remember it next time and put out a little effort! I hope you do the same. They deserve to feel the guilt! So go ahead and and cry as long as you feel like it, but every time you feel the tears coming on again, pick up the phone and tell him about it. If he is home, dont you dare leave the room! Maybe if he sees enough, HE will have to leave the room to cry!

          I am sorry your birthday was so bad. I wish I could turn back time and give you a true But, since I cant, I hope you at least know that you are not alone, and that your husband isnt the only one that stinks at birthdays. But, I hope you keep in mind that there is no equation that says husbands who love their wives the most= the ones who are best with birthdays. I have seen alot of guys who were the best, most romantic birthday celebrators that one could imagine, yet they were also cheaters, or wife beaters, or whatever. I knew one man that threw his wife a suprise party for her 40th one night and literally left his wife for his mistress the next! So, how much they love us truly has nothing to do with it! (I will try to keep this in mind in 2 weeks when my husband has blown it again! )

          Anyway, I hope that your husband learns from his mistake and you will be able to forgive him.

          Many hugs for you,
          Last edited by ihurttoo; 03-20-2007, 09:42 AM. Reason: typo


          • #6
            My Terry and I have birthdays only three days apart so we just plan something for the two of us. He wouldn't even think about either if I didn't remind him, but he does things like building a computer center for me (built exactly as I wanted it) so I don't mind if he forgets a birthday or anniversary.

            I'm sorry your birthday wasn't happy for you.
            Stay safe

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            I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

            Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool


            • #7
              I've never had any luck with men and my birthday. This year Tom proved me wrong and made me a very nice dinner, 90% of it by himself, but he didn't get me a card. My present was the eye appt for contacts/new glasses that I finally made for myself tomorrow.

              I don't know what it is, but if you treat THEIR birthday the way a lot of men treat ours, well, the whole world would come to an end.

              I'm sorry. I can relate. I don't really think they're trying to be rude on purpose.....they're just MEN.

              *IC-- Summer 2004; PFD--October 2005
              *Fibro--Fall 2000; CFS-- Fall 2000
              *MPS--Fall 2000; Crohn's disease-- 1997*IBS,GERD, *Migraines, hypothyroidism, GYN problems *Degenerative Disc Disease/scoliosis

              Total Abdominal Hysterectomy--adenomyosis--9\08

              04/17/09 Crohn's disease almost killed me with a combo of extreme constipation from pain medications. My bowel ruptured, I almost died from peritonitis and spent several days in the ICU then more in a private room on the floor. If you have any questions about severe constipation from pain meds please don't hesitate to send me a message.


              • #8
                Sorry he forgot your birthday. But I know for a fact that IF YOU FORGOT THEIRS--OH MY !!!! That is what I did one year- and believe me he NEVER FORGOT MINE again!! (birthday, anniversary, holidays). He now gets me 2 cards for every occassion-- one funny and one serious. We might not go out to dinner or if we do its just something fast to bring it home and eat, but after 24 years thats ok with me.


                • #9
                  That's just it though. He didn't forget! He knew when it was. Knew I was excited. Knew he should do something, but he just didn't do it! Forgetting happens. People's birthdays sneak up on me all the time, it happens. But just not doing anything for the simple fact that it might take a precious minute out of his day is just being an ***!


                  • #10
                    HI! Sorry about the crappy after thought really does suck! My first husband was that way.....he knew when my birthday was.....knew my family was planning on a celebration......but he 'never had time to shop'...ya right! Well good riddens to bad rubbish!.....I dumped him and found a great guy who does have time to shop for birthdays. I don't know why so many men act like idiots around holiday time! Happy birthday to you.....Next year plan on going out with the girls for your deserve it! Roxie

                    Double Spinal Cord Stimulator surgery 8/09
                    Unsuccessful MiniArc sling surgery 12/07
                    Dx'd Hypothyroid
                    Dx'd Chronic Axonal Neuropathy & Myopathy
                    June 2007
                    Dx'd IC May 2006 (after suffering for 25+ yrs!)
                    First Cysto 1979
                    First Hydro 1981 (Many treatments since then!)
                    Collagin"Durasphere" injections for urethra
                    Gall bladder surgery Aug. 2004
                    Gastric Bypass Dec. 2004
                    Dx'd: Barrett's Esphogus July 2004
                    Dx'd: Vaginal Atrophy 2005
                    Bladder surgery 2000
                    Dx'd: IBS 2000
                    Hysterectomy (fibroids) 1999
                    Laminectomy 1989
                    Dx'd: Degerative Disk Disorder 1989

                    For IC I use Elmiron, Elavil and Freeze dried Aloe Vera (it works likes Elmiron, but naturally)and Azo as needed. I also take Zegerid, Randitine for Barrett's Esophagus. (which causes me to have constant yeast infections!)I take Cymbalta for Neuopathy/Myopathy pain. I use the Climara patch for menopause symptoms. I'm on a very strict diet because of the IC, IBS and Gastric Bypass. I take Primal Defense Probiotics and whole food Iron.
                    I no longer have the awful urethral pain! I've been using MSM gel now for 4 mo. and haven't had a flare up or the urethra's amazing stuff!!:woohoo:


                    • #11
                      I'm so sorry that you had such a horrible birthday! I hope that you're stress induced flare goes away soon.

                      I have been diagnoised for 6 1/2 years now. I have taken a long break from the ICN but really miss helping out my fellow IC patients and want to get back into posting.
                      1st hydro 4/07 showed no visible signs of IC but tons of mast cells in all my biopsy samples which did prove IC.
                      2nd hydro 4/13/09 showed dark purple glomerulations and I had a capacity of 450 cc's. This hydro proved that my IC had progressed.
                      I have tried every oral medication as well as rescue instills and DMSO.

                      I have been lucky enough to see Dr Hanno, the top IC specialist in PA who has told me due to the fact that I have not responded to any "standard" treatments that I have a severe, end stage case of IC with a horrible quality of life (didn't have to tell me that last part!)

                      Proud wifey of Shane, mommy to Griffin, and step-mom to Logan and Gage
                      Also proud mom to the best Bullmastiff on earth, Claus