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My mother-in-law upset me!

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  • My mother-in-law upset me!

    Hi Ladies.
    I usually try not and post off subject, but I need some advice here. My husband is graduating tomorrow from college, he is getting his master's degree. Well, I am going to be there no matter what, even if I feel like crap. I just pray I feel half way decent. The only bad thing is I have to see my gyne early in the morning for some issues I am having with pain, and she will likely do the whole pelvic exam thing, and I know I am going to be in pain afterwards as I usually always am.

    Anyhow, I was going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow after my hubbies graduation before making any huge plans. I figured we would all take my hubby out to dinner,( my dad, his mom, and his dad and me) but I likely wont go since I cant really eat aything out as I am on a strict diet and cannot eat any gluten, but they all can go. Also, if I am in a flare and have to pee all the time, I dont feel comfortable being in a public restroom, and lets face it, who wants to be out when they are in terrible pain.

    Well, yesterday my mother-in-law calls me and says, " listen, I dont have time to talk right now, I have a beauty appointment to get my hair done, but just wanted to say I bought a cake for Gary's graduation and we will bring it over after the graduation and celebrate at your house aterwards". Then she says, I know you dont feel well, but anyhow, I got to run, I will talk to you later."

    First off, I cant believe she called me at the last minute and told me about the cake. Thank goodness I did not order a cake. I was going to order one the other day and my dad told me to hold off until the day before, as you will usually get a fresher cake. This is true, as I managed a bakery and was a decorater for years and it is true. Anyhow, that is not what made me mad. It made me mad that she did not even bother to ask me if it was ok to come by and have everyone over. She just invited herself, and did not even bother to see how I feel. She knows I have alot of health issues that knock me down and I dont feel well alot of the times and dont feel like entertaining all the time.

    It is going to be a very long day! I have to be up at 5:30 or 6 in the morning so I can be at my doctors appointment. Then The graduation is at 1:30, and we have to leave early as to ensure we get good seating. I know I am going to feel bad after seeing my gyne and after being jabbed around at down there, but I need to see her, as it takes to long to get in to see her if I reschedule. I am going to do a instill later today at home, and hope it does not make things worse. Last week it helped me, but everytime is different for me. I am also having alot of cramps, and my period is not even due for another 8 days.

    What if feel really bad tomorrow and dont feel like having all that company? She should never have just taken it upon herself to invite themselves over to my place and wait till the last minute to tell me. I told my dad and he said that she was wrong to do this, especially knowing I am sick. But what can I do, she is my mother in law and I cant be rude as I know it will hurt my husband's feeling's if I say anything to his mom. I told him about it, and he understands my point, but naturally this is an uncomfortable situation as it is his mom.

    Sorry for venting. Maybe I am blowing this all out of porportion, but you all know that when you dont feel well, you dont nessasarily feel like entertaining people. I wish she would have asked me first, that's all. And I did not like the fact that she said, " I know you dont feel well, but oh well". Am I wrong about feeling this way?

  • #2
    Oh, believe me, you have every right to be mad as heck. Even if you were not ill, I grew up in a world where it was very rude to invite oneself over to someone else's house. In my world, you wait for an invitation or you discuss it with the person first. Like, when my parents came here for Christmas this year, we started talking about it in October -- they brought it up, yes, but they did it by saying "We were thinking that maybe it would be nice for us to come spend Christmas with you this year -- we know travel is hard on you. But, it's absolutely up to you."

    NOW -- part of my husband's family is a different story. My father-in-law and his wife just announce two days before that "We'll be there on Friday night" and then don't even have the decency to tell us when they are leaving! And they don't care how I feel; they just turn up. My father in law showed up the weekend after I had my permanent InterStim implant surgery!! I didn't want to have to clean the house for company at that point

    Ok... anyway, my point is that we have all gone through similar things, in which we have dealt with non-understanding people. It's hard, and I'm so sorry your mom-in-law said "oh well" about your illness.

    *Diagnosed with severe IC in 2004
    *Also diagnosed with PFD, fibromyalgia, chronic myofascial pain, IBS, migraines, allergies/asthma, dermatographism
    *Kept trying a million different treatments for all these things until I found what works, and I am doing okay these days with the help of a cocktail of medications and the InterStim, which was first placed in 2007. [I have had 2 revisions - one in 2010 when my battery died and had to be replaced, and one complete replacement (lead and generator) in 2012 after a fall on my stairs caused my lead to move.]
    *Current meds include Atarax (50mg at night), Lyrica (150mg twice a day), Xanax (0.5mg at night and as needed), Zanaflex (4mg at night), hydrocodone (10/325, every 6 hours as needed), Advair, Nasonex, Singulair (10mg at night), oral contraceptives, home instills containing Elmiron and Marcaine (as often as I need to do them).

    **I am not a medical authority nor do I offer definitive medical advice. I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.


    • #3
      I think to make the day okay for your husband, you really don't have a choice about going forward with it. You might want to think seriously about changing your doctor's appointment so you at least won't have that discomfort to deal with. I think it's very likely your doctor will understand and you can book another time soon.

      And after the festivities of the graduation are over, have an honest talk with your husband and let your M-I-L know that this won't happen in the future, regardless of the circumstances.

      Warm hugs,
      Stay safe

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      I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

      Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool


      • #4
        Thanks Jen and Donna.
        I appreciate all the advice. Yes Donna, I think you are right. I am debating on putting off the gyne appointment, but just that it is so hard to get in to see her, I would have to wait over two more weeks just to get in,and I am having some issues right now that need to be looked into. I had a discharge, and went to see my regular doc last week since I could not get in to see my gyne last week at all, well when I saw the regular doc( actually her fill in), and she did a swab and said it was not yeast, and she was not sure about the possibility of it being bacterial vaginosis, but she said it showed white blood cells. She did not want to treat me as she was really unsure as if I had the BV or not and since I am so sensitive to meds, she said I should just wait and see my gyne as soon as I could.

        I also am having some cramps which I do get very bad ones before my period usually, but my period is not even due for another week, so I was going to mention this to her also at my appointment. But I may end up cancelling. I just dont want to ruin things for tomorrow. I will think about tonight.

        Jen, yes, I think it is horrible when people dont have consideration and just drop by without telling you, or just invite themselves. I love my mother-in-law, just that this really upset me. I mean if she were sick, I would never just decide to have a gathering at her house without talking it through with her first to see if she was up to it.

        Thanks again ladies for the advice. I appreciate it, and thanks for hearing me vent.


        • #5
          I think you should let her know that it's fine for them to come to your home, but that you will probably not be able to act as hostess as you are not well. Tell her you know she'll do a wonderful job in your place to make this occasion special for her son -- and then let her take care of things. When you all get back from the graduation, go to bed.

          Normally I would not advocate being snotty with your in-laws, but when you are sick, it's different. All this additional stress and fatigue really could make you feel worse. I'm sure your husband doesn't want that.

          BTW, congrats to him on the Master's Degree.
          Je vous souhaite de la joie, de la bonne santée, et tout ce qu'il y a de bon dans la vie.
          Wishing you happiness and good health, and all the best out of life.

          Peace, Carolyn

          Laura (11), Susannah (12 1/2) and Maman (that's me!), North Wildwood NJ, September 2007

          On the Beach with IC


          • #6
            I am so sorry this happened. She should have talked to you inadvance, didn't anyone mention of any type of celebration for your husband before hand?
            I think it was wronf how it all came about, but, I think she was really just thinking of surprising for her son. At the very least, she did think to do this at your home where you felt comfortable. I hat to tell you to change your appt, but I agree it is a good idea to do so. After wars go home and put on comfy clothes, don't worry aboout what anyone thinks, its your house.
            'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'


            • #7

              I can totally understand why you are upset about all this. It would really upset me too. I was wondering, though if maybe your MIL wanted to have the festivities at your home in order to include you. You had said that dinner out would not include you, so maybe thats why she suggested to hold it at your home. As she said on the phone, she knows youre not feeling well... I like the suggestion of making her the stand in as hostess at your home, this way you can participate as much as you feel you can, but you have a retreat to your bedroom if you start feeling poorly. Think of it this way, if you start feeling better again, you can rejoin the party! Who knows, this may turn out to be a better celebration than sending them out to eat without you would have been!


              • #8
                Thank you so much ladies. I am sorry it took me so long to reply. My computer got a virus and we had to spend the last couple days trying to restore the computer.

                Also thanks Carolyn, we are so excited he got his masters. He wants to get his doctoral degree also, but that is going wait awhile as we have too many bills right now that we have to worry about first.

                Things went ok on the graduation day. Everything turned out ok. I did have some pain, but I lived through it. It was especially hard sitting on the hard bleachers of over an hour and half though. But it was worth it to see him graduate. I did not say anything to my MIL, I just figured that next time I know there is going to be an upcoming doings, I will let her know in advance how I am doing, and to let her know not to make any plans without letting me know before hand since I do have these health issues that can make me feel very bad at times and that I cant deal with company certain days.

                Thanks so much ladies for all the advice and support. You ladies are sooooo wonderful.