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"Keeping your cool" when posting or PMing

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  • "Keeping your cool" when posting or PMing

    Recently I heard about a member getting a nasty PM (private message) from someone else - this happens from time to time. I ran across this piece and thought it gave some great tips for handling ourselves on a message board whether through posting or through PMs.

    It's easy to feel passionate about a particular topic and to want to express ourselves and our position. We all need the reminder from time to time that we are dealing with REAL people on message boards and that even words typed up on a computer can and do hurt others. Often when someone has posted something it is because they are feeling quite vulnerable. Angry or pointed words towards them may hurt more than they would at another time.

    I know I need the reminders below from time to time and often have to exercise restraint when posting. Just because we have an opinion on something or feel someone else isn't doing what we would do in a given situation doesn't give us the right to go off on them or put them down. Sometimes it is better just to not post or PM when we feel that way.

    Anyway, I thought this was a nice summary of "Netiquette" suggestions:

    Hints for keeping your cool – and building your reputation as a valued community representative

    1. Don't be afraid to let someone off the hook. Just because you've proven someone else wrong doesn't mean you need to press the issue until you've received a full written apology. Let it go.

    2. Don't be afraid to back off your position, or change your mind outright. No one can know everything. Sometimes someone will come along and be better versed on a subject then you are. Don't let your ego stop you from learning something new.

    3. Avoid personal insults. They do nothing for a discussion.

    4. It is ok for someone to disagree with you. No, really.

    5. No opinion, no matter how substantiated by facts is beyond reproach. Don't think yours is special.

    6. People have bad days. Don't fly off the handle because someone is being rude or grouchy. Seeing a rude post isn't a green light to reply rudely.

    7. You only see text, but it's a real person that wrote it. Don't abuse the anonymity of the Internet to post replies you would never do in a face to face conversation.

    8. If you have something to say on a matter, say it honestly. Don't attempt to spin it to put it in a more positive light. It is easier to defend honesty then to defend a position that wasn't really yours to begin with.

    9. Don't be afraid to post. If the responses are crude or reek of elitism, that is their fault. Apologize for attempting to learn something and move on.

    10. Don't be afraid to not post. There is no law requiring you to post. If you are getting upset over an issue, don't reply until you've given enough time for your emotions to calm and you can post clearly.

    Diagnosed August 2001

    Current IC meds: Elmiron (since 2001), Levaquin (one pill after intercourse to prevent UTIs), Effexor (for depression & anxiety)

    Past IC meds: Amitriptyline (Elavil), Hydroxyzine (Vistaril), Detrol LA, Lexapro (for depression & anxiety, but also helped my IC) (They all helped, but I was able to discontinue them.)

    I've been virtually symptom free and able to eat & drink whatever I'd like for about 8 years now.


    “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” ~ Viktor Frankl

    “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” ~ Brian Tracy

  • #2
    great post.. I was once told a million tears back is to read your post, go and read theres, and re read yours, Make sure there are no fingerpoint, and accusing
    'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'


    • #3
      Great post, Kim. I have only one thing to add and that is: If you see a post that concerns you --- because you feel it might be seen as negative --- let me know. My email is [email protected] and when I sign on, I look at my mail first. If there's a post that may be a problem, that is my next stop.

      We do need help from everyone if we are to maintain these forums as a safe haven for all of us.

      Stay safe

      Elmiron Eye Disease Information Center -
      Elmiron Eye Disease Fact Sheet (Downloadable) -

      Have you checked the ICN Shop?
      Click on ICN Shop at the top of this page. You'll find Bladder Builder and Bladder Rest, both of which we are finding have excellent results.

      Patient Help:


      Diet list:

      AUA Guidelines:

      I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

      Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool


      • #4
        Kim one statement really came out to me because it was a lesson my children learn. "It is ok for someone to disagree with you." They have a right to their opinion too, people are not robots, we all don't think alike. If you disagree with someone and you can see the outcome will not be good, let it go. It doesn't change who you are because someone thinks different.

        Remember, as we get older, the things we thought was right then wasn't all right. And just because you are right doesn't mean you are right by exposing it.

        And we all will make a mistakes and do something or say something wrong. I thank God for people who has a forgiving heart.

        Sending hugs, Trishann


        • #5
          we can also use the term:
          If you don't have anything nice to say, Don't say nothing at all.

          My mom use to say that
          'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'


          • #6
            Great post Kim...

            Life is hard enough and esp when you have IC..So lets all go easy on people we all are real people here with real emotions and feelings.

            Just remember alot of times its not what you say but how you say that can offend people

            ONE Second, ONE Bite, ONE Breath, ONE Pill, ONE Minute, ONE Teardrop, ONE Hour, ONE Sip.. ONE DAY! I will Prevail from this disease! IC Hoping for a Cure!

            Link to Patient Handbook:

            Diet Reference Sheet:

            Meds For IC: Lyrica-25mg Glucosamine-500 MSM-500mg, Prosed Ds -When Flaring

            Other Meds: Levlite- Continious Birtcontrol, Micardis-40mg for High Blood Pressure

            Meds I have Tried:
            Topamax,Tofranil, Elmiron, Atarax, Cymbalta, Elavil, Enablex, Detral La, Prydium.
            Lexapro< Bad reaction to this med!
            Intstills, could not continue them due to some kind of reaction after 3rd instill. Tasted the lidocaine in my mouth, tongue and lips went numb then went into what seemed like a panic attack. Shaking, racing heart, tingling face/head, blood pressure shot up..

            Dx With IC in Nov 2006 with Hydro/Cysto
            Hydro/Cysto Caused Bladder to Rupture.

            Other Dxs-Vulvodynia,Fibro, Endo, IBS, HPV, Migraines, Spastic Colon, Mild Dysplasia.

            ICN Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.


            • #7

              Thank You so much for giving us such great tools to use when posting, replying, and pming. It helps to learn ways to help make this forum safe and comfortable for all of us to use.

              Complex Case: Severe IC 1999, Interstim 2001, Endometriosis 2001, End Stage Refractory IC 2002, Bladder Removal (Cystectomy) 2002, Gall Bladder Removal 2005, Infertility 2003, Urethra Removal, Bladder Reconstruction (Urethrectomy/Indiana Pouch) 2006, Celiac Disease 2007, Adhesion Disease 2007, Pudendal Nerve Entrapment, Ovarian Cysts, Vestibulitis, Vulvodynia, Total Vestibulectomy and removal of both Skene's Glands, 2007 and Coccydynia 2007. Fibromyalgia and, Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome both in my neck and knees, 2007, PNE Decompression Operation May, 2009.Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, Anesthesia Awareness (to awaken during operations)Pudendal Nerve Decompression Surgery, Revrse Uterine Sling, Sept. 2011

              "One hour at a time, this was NOT my American Dream but it has to work out somehow."

              I also have some journals of my journeys, past and some present at:

              Most of my Journaling now is currently on Facebook. These are old and my ICN Patient story is very old and outdated.


              • #8
                Wonderful post Kim! It's great advice to post by!!!!
                How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...

                Harry arrived 2/23/09!

                *IC Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

                IC Diet Cheat Sheet:

                IC dx'd Nov 2004
                Lymphocytic Colitis dx'd July 2005
                Possible IBS
                Current IC Meds
                Vistaril 25mg in the evening
                Previous IC Meds taken:
                Cystoprotek - 2 caps 2x's a day
                Elmiron, 100mg 3x's a day
                Ditropan, 5 mg 3x's a day
                Wellbutrin 150mg 2x's a day for Anxiety/IBS
                Pepcid 40mg a day for GERD
                Zytrec for Nasal Allergies
                Align Probiotic daily for IBS


                • #9
                  Thanks for the post.


                  • #10
                    Thanks for the post, Kim! That is great advice. This would be a good one for a Sticky, beneath the one with the board rules! I know that most everyone here is in pain alot, if not daily, and I do think that most of them time it helps me to remember that when someone says something that hurts my feelings. I know most everyone here would never hurt someone's feelings on purpose. Things just come out wrong sometimes when we are hurting, (myself included.)

                    Thank you for posting this as a reminder. Thank you also for all you do on the boards to keep it a friendly, supportive community.