Best friend is about to marry an [email protected]*$&@*(#

[ICNJess]

I don't know what to do anymore! My best friend is about to marry, at the very least, an emotionally abusive and controlling jerk! She is now 9 weeks pregnant, so I think, though I am not sure, she is trying to salvage the relationship for the sake of her unborn child. I'd be all for it if this guy wasn't such a jerk.

Here's the thing...my best friend will call me crying, telling me she doesn't know what to do anymore, that her fiance has done (insert a new problem each time) and she doesn't know what to do. I tell her she can come here any time (which is hard for her because she's about 4 hours from here).

We have been friends since high school and she has always been so fiercly independent. For some reason, this guy has her in this little shell...I think...no scratch that...she's being emotionally abused at the very least. I don't know how to help her. I was supposed to be her maid of honor and I backed out and she knows I do not support this marriage but I support her. Here's some of the things he has done...

1.) When he found out she was pregnant, he was angry.

2.) When he found out I was the first person she told, he was beyond angry.

3.) When he found out she was asking me for pregnancy advice, he was livid. He has two daughters (one of whom he shipped off to Chicago because he couldn't handle raising two kids) and he says to her...and get this..."I have two kids, I have been through this before." I'm sorry, his uterus is where?

4.) Before she was pregnant he was drunk and wanted to drive drunk, when she took the keys away he threw his sunglasses against a wall so hard they broke and he took off, not before reading her the riot act.

5.) He tried to "punish" her by telling her now that she is pregnant she won't be able to drink at her golden birthday party. She's 25, drinking isn't that appealing to her anymore anyway...idiot.

6.) He ripped her a new one because now he won't be able to get that motorcycle he's been wanting or maybe not even able to finish school. (Last time I checked we women don't climb on top of ourselves and get pregnant)

7.) During yet another fight, she wanted to walk away to go to the bathroom (pregnant and had to go badly!) and he blocked the bathroom doorway so that she couldn't get in so that he could continue to berate her. She started crying and he still didn't move.

8.) He made them breakfast one morning and she didn't have a taste for what he made her (this was the other day) and she hadn't touched her food yet so he got up angrily, took her plate, threw her food out, and slammed the plate down before she could even eat.

9.) The other day he was angry again (surprise, surprise) and she wanted to walk away so that she could de-stress for the baby's sake, and he kept egging her on, telling her not to leave and to stay and fight with him and he got pretty rude I guess.

10.) After another fight, she went into the bedroom to cry and she ended up just sitting on the floor because she didn't want to sit on the bed. He came into the room and started freaking out on her, yelling at her to get off the floor, even though that's where she wanted to sit.

11.) She wanted to buy a body pillow for herself as she progresses in the pregnancy, and he wouldn't allow her to pick out the kind of pillow or the color and he started berating her in Wal-Mart so she had to agree to whatever he wanted so that he wouldn't continue to make a scene.

I could go on and on with these scenarios. I feel helpless. He is obviously controlling and she's just going to keep backing down to make him happy, she's going to lose her independence, her identity, and probably her friends and family along the way. Her mom has already refused to come to the wedding because she doesn't approve of this guy because my friend has told her of all of the things he's been doing and her mom is so upset. (Her mom lives in Seattle, she's not nearby unfortunately)

I don't know what to tell her anymore. She already knows how I feel. I have to at least keep myself in the picture in case she ever does want out and needs help. I just don't know what to do or say anymore, especially when she calls me crying. I am so afraid she will lose this baby, it means everything to her. What do I do?

[dancemomof2]

Geesh , sounds like she has her hands full with him. The only advice I have is to listen as much as you can, I know it is hard but h opefully she will wak eup before she does this. He seems a little self centered to me. I hope all works out for her.

[tigger_gal]

Jess,
You friend sounds like my niece, so sorry to say. If she wanted out of this relationship, she can walk awat any given time when he is not home. I have been going thru this with my niece since before she got pregnant with Jake.
Thru word of mouth from her friend, she is not allowed to leave the motel, she is made to sleep in the floor. He is still mentally and physically abusing her.
They say we don't understand why they won't leave because they love them..
I am so very sorry your friend is in this sitituation. I hope she gets the courage and leaves him soon.

[Roxie2007]

My best friend sounds exactly like your best friend. I have told her how I feel......many times....trying to get her to see the light...to no avail. So I had to step back and let her do things her way...because nothing I say or anyone else says will change her mind. You just have to be there to help pick up the peices when it all blows apart....and it will, it has with my friend several times. She keeps picking the same type of men over and over. I wish her and you luck. Roxie

[ICNDonna]

I understand

Unfortunately, people who are in abusive situations often feel that they don't deserve any better --- or they feel that they are being punished, but they somehow deserve it. It can be very difficult to extricate someone from that kind of situation, but sometimes we can. If your friend will agree to talk with a counselor before the wedding that could be one thing that could help.

One thing you might do is to investigate what is available in the way of shelter care for her either now or later so you can share the information with her when she is ready to accept it. You might also talk with your pastor about ways to help her.

I do agree that about all you can do is to let your friend know how very much you care and that you will be there for her.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[kuntrygurl78]

Im going thru the same thing with my mom, and have been for a few years. Dont get me wrong, my step dad is a great guy, but hes a horrible drunk. I dont know how many times shes left him and gone back. She has fibromyalgia and I think its getting worse because of the stress she is under in the relationship.

The only thing I can tell you is to be supportive. Let her know in every way you can, that you are are there for her. Some day, we pray, she will leave. When she feels she is ready, she needs to know she is not alone and that she will be supported.

[GriffsMommy]

Wow, this guy sounds horrible. I have found with my friends in the past that a bad relationship is like having an addiction. You can't make an addict seek treatment and get better, they have to do it when they are ready, same thing with a bad relationship. You can talk until you are blue in the face, unless they are ready to leave you can't do anything. Be there for her and hopefully she will come to her senses. Maybe you can tell her she needs to do it for the baby, as we all know we will do anything to protect our children, hopefully that will make her see the light.

[Billsbaby]

let me tell ya,i know from experience.i had that mentally,verbally,physically abusive man 6 years ago.i was with him for 7 years!!!! i am not a dumb or submissive person,but i will tell you what,that all changed when he took over my power.i still to this day don't know how to explain how it happens,but he made me feel like i was worth nothing.i have such strong feelings about any kind of abuse now,it really affects me.but the good news is,your friend is now preg. and that is what took me to finally leave him,i refused to put my daughter through what i allowed myself to be put through.when she was 3 months old i waited for him to go to the docs,and the second his car was out of sight,i called my bil,and got out with her and 2 garbage bags of clothes.i never looked back.i feel i am what i am today because of that.i refuse to allow anyone to treat me that way again.my husband now is the best man you could want.i am sorry for the long story of my own experience,but i thought you needed to see it from the other side too.i know what it feels like also to be where you are,since funny enough,my exes sister is one of my best friends,and she is going through the same exact thing now!! it drives me nuts that she won't do anything,but i also know she needs me to help her through.i hope your getting what i am saying,this is very long for me so for the gist of this,be there and lets pray she will do whats right for her baby,if she won't for herself.if you need to talk more ,please pm me.jamie

[Cardholic]

OMG, how sad for her and her baby. You are being the best friend that anyone could ask for. I hope she realizes that. She must, or she wouldn't keep talking to you. Thank god, she still lets you in.

Ask her if this is the type of treatment she would accept for her daughter, or if she thinks her son should act like that. Because, that is the environment she is creating for her child. Her child will grow up thinking this is NORMAL! And will likely repeat the pattern. If she doesn't save herself, hopefully she will think of her baby.

I hope it works out...

[dg2901]

My best friend of 27 years is in a similar situation except for the pregnancy. Like mentioned, you can talk til you're out of breath; its not going to do any good until your friend is ready to leave.
My friend is to the point of complete isolation, as she's rallied around her husband to the point where she's lost all of her friends. Even I have backed off--I no longer phone her, email her, ask her to socialize, etc because I ALWAYS got "well me and J are doing such and such", or "I cant because J has taken the car",or "J has to work and I have to go pick up his daughter", etc etc etc--you get the picture. And on the off-chance that she would go out, her husband would call her constantly to check up on her. She'll complain about her husband any chance she gets--it get very tiresome to hear all thess complaints, yet see her do absolutely nothing about it.

Unfortunately all you can do is sit back and watch; attempt to intervene should you have the strength.

Take care
D

[ICNJess]

Thanks for all of the advice. I guess I will just have to sit tight. It just bothers me to no end that he's doing this to her and there is nothing I can do to stop it. And you know what? All it takes for her to be cheery and better is for him to say "I'm Sorry". And then, how long till he messes up again? Then more "I'm Sorry"'s follow. I've already resolved myself to just sit and hold my tongue and listen because if I back off, she'll have no one to come to if she ever decides to leave him.

Just yesterday I kept coaxing her, though, trying to tell her to do what's best for the baby, and that it's not good to raise a baby in such a toxic environment. She agreed...and then a few hours later I text messaged her and she said everything's fine, he said he was sorry.

I am sorry to those who have been in that situation...I can't begin to imagine someone making you feel that way and feeling like you have to live like that--but I'm glad you got out! I just hope she decides to leave him before the baby is born. She's only 9 weeks along and has already had a close call, she began spotting pretty badly one of the times they fought and, get this, he WOULDN'T LET her go to the ER! I would've kicked him in the a** and handed him his manhood on a rusted plate before any man stood between me and my child's well being. Ugh I promised myself not to be judgmental, but it's just so hard when there is a baby involved!!!!

[July]

I will keep your friend in my prayers that she finds the strength and courage to do what is best for both herself and her baby.

If she will not leave this person, at least maybe she will hold off long term marrying him. Maybe she will think about things differently when she is further along.

[pingpong]

Your friend needs to get away from that man NOW! My sister was in an abusive marriage for about 20 years. They had no children (thank God) but he did such a number on her mind she became a different person. She tried to leave him several times, but each time he managed to lure her back.

She was finally able to leave him for good when she entered a battered women's shelter, where she was able to get counseling and attend group therapy to help overcome the damage he did to her. One thing that she thought was fascinating was that, no matter what an abusive man's profession, whether he was a truck driver or a dentist or a minister, the stories of the abuse these battered women suffered were shockingly similar. Joyce said it was like these men read from the same script in the way they berate and humiliate and control their women.

Your friend's fiance is reading from that script, too! It's possible that her only chance to get her life back is to go to a shelter where she can feel safe and finally see that he's not going to change, no matter how often he promises. When she meets other women who have been in her situation she might find the strength to leave him and get on with her life. Otherwise, she and her baby are one temper-tantrum away from being badly injured or killed.