My 17 yr old neice is dating a 27 yr old man!!!!!

[amaranthe]

Please advise.....I don't know what to do! I found out a few weeks ago that my 17 yr old neice, who is a high school senior, has been dating a 27 yr old man! I am completely repulsed and freaked out about this! But, astonishingly, her parents are okay with this and even like the man! Can you believe THAT?!!! Apparently, they have been dating for a year and a half! So, this isn't a passing fling or anything. I just found out at my Grandmother's funeral a couple of weeks ago. I saw them together then and also literally overhead the people in front of me AND the people behind me at the visitation talking about it and how they (like me) couldnt believe her parents were okay with it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of her and my brother and sister in law for allowing this! If that were MY daughter, I would have run that man off at gunpoint if necessary and turned him in for statutory rape/pedophila. I would do anything and everything to ensure that they could no longer contact each other, starting with getting rid of all computers (or fixing them so she couldnt use them), and even getting rid of all the phones except my own cell phone which I would keep with me at all times. But instead, she has her own cell phone and computer! How easy could they possibly make it for them!

My dilemma is that since her own parents are okay with this and even welcome this man into their home, I feel like I have no right to say anything about it since I am just her aunt. Yet, I find this whole thing repugnant to say the least.

My Mom, (her grandmother), told me that my sister-in-law (the girl's mother), was even bragging to her about how this guy was really well off and had just paid cash for a brand new truck. (Now, I have to tell you that "well off" is a subjective for sure. I mean this man may have paid cash for a truck, but he also still lives at home with his parents at age 27, so he SHOULD have saved enough in all these years by not paying for a home of his own, to pay cash for a new truck. But, to ME, I think it is sickening that her mother would even consider his suppossed finances! I mean who freaking cares HOW much he has or makes.....he is still a 27 year old MAN dating a 17 year old girl, (who was actually a 16 year old girl when they began dating a year and a half ago!) HE is 10 years older than her and let's be honest here....we all know what a 27 yr old man wants from a 16/17 yr old girl!

My neice claims to still be a virgin, but I dont know if I buy that or not, and seriously doubt it. (They were all over each other at my Grandmother's FUNERAL! I mean how low class can you get! No dang wonder everyone was talking about them! Between the age difference, the parents consent, and the way they behaved, who WOULDN'T talk about them?!!

I need some serious advice. Ordinarily, I am a huge proponent of minding my own business and think everyone else should do the same. But, this sickens me to my core. I just dont know what to do. Should I speak up and risk ruining my relationship with my brother, sister-in-law, and neice (especially considering the facts that the parents have been allowing this all along and are even happy about it? Or should I just mind my own business and say nothing? Also, is it possible to anonymously report this as statuatory rape or a pedophile and would they even investigate since the parents consent and she is 17?

Please help! I need all the help I can get, (as you can clearly see!)

Thanks in advance for any and all help and advice!

Sincerely,
Amaranthe

[VickiB]

This is a strange situation and I can understand your concern. Have you spoken at all to your brother and/or his wife about this? I mean, not spoken to tell them your opinion, but sort of felt around the subject to get a feel for why they're okay on this?

Generally, I'd say this is just wrong, except that I had a similar situation in my family which makes me rethink my gut instinct as being any kind of absolute. My niece dated an older (more than 10 years) man too. At first many of us were very disturbed with the situation but as we got to know Jerry, we all had to admit we really liked him. Anyway, my niece married him and they seem to be as happy as can be. The perfect couple even. I don't recall how long ago they tied the knot but they have to be closing in on their 20th anniversary now. And that age difference is no longer discernible. So, depending on the couple, as weird as it is and as wrong as it seems, I know for the right two people it can work.

Vicki

[dg2901]

According to Arkansas law:

Arkansas § 5-14-103; § 5-14-127

Rape is engaging in sexual intercourse with someone under age 14 who is at least three years younger.

Fourth-degree sexual assault if someone age 20 or older engages in sexual intercourse with someone under age 16

Pedophilia is defined as having an obsession with children as sex objects.

If I'm not mistaken too, the legal consenting age in Arkansas is 16.

[ICNDonna]

I have been married for 39 years to a wonderful man who is 12 years older than I. If the girl loves him, trying to separate the two would simply make them more determined.

The best suggestion I can come up with for you is to get to know him --- he may very well be your nephew one day.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[sailawaygrl]

I don't know how you should handle it, especially being a relative, you don't want to split the family and this guy could be around for a long time. He must be somewhat less mature than other 27 yr olds to be living at home and interested in someone her age. Otherwise hanging out with someone that much younger would be boring to him.

If my 17 were dating someone that much older, I would probably kill her! I am shocked at my friends with children the same age as my daughter, under 21. They all know their children have fake IDs and are out at clubs drinking, spending the night with their boyfriends. I also know people that are only worried about their daughters marrying someone with money. Then again this girls mother did the same thing, married for money. I think it is sad that everyone is encouraging their children to grow up so fast. Concerts and limos in elementary school. Prom in the 7th grade. What is there to look forward to? I saw a facebook post by two 20 yr olds I know the other day that said they were spending the day watching sex and the city, and were ready to move to NY. That seems to be the way they all think now. Sex and the City, Jersey Shore, and heaven forbid that new show Skins....they all want to act as if they are living those shows, it isn't reality at all. They don't think anything bad will happen to them. I grew up in a small small town that was driving distance to a big city where we would go run around. We got lucky and nothing bad happened, I know of bad things happening to several people these days. It makes me sad that everyone is working so hard to outspend each other on their children, to out do the last party, clothes or car. It is hard to raise a child that doesn't believe name brands make you worthy of attention when everything that they see is telling them different! My daugher will turn 21 in a few month, she told me the other day that she felt she was old enough to make her own decisions about spending the night with her boyfriend. I kindly explained that is perfectly fine with me, and I will stop paying for her phone, clothes, gas, food, insurance both medical and auto. She re-thought that a bit. My attitude is fine, live how you choose, OUT of my house and my pocket book! She is away at school right now and came home on my dime. Spent the entire time she was here with her boyfriend, then came home wanting money for gas to go back to school!! Not again.

Sorry for the vent, if you are still reading I just had to get that out!! These things have been driving me crazy for years!! My daugter had friends in the third grade that were going in limos to concerts! In high school these teenagers acted like 25 year olds, and dressed like it too! I tried so hard to give my daughter a childhood, you only get one and I wanted her to be young and play in the mud if she wanted! Not worry about her hair and make up at 10 years old. Oooops, here I go again.

I hope things work out all right for your family. Bottom line, you don't want to lose contact with them completely. You might just have to live with it. I know that isn't what you want, but what is the alternative?

[flowerangela]

i can relate amaranthe. my sister is in a relationship with a guy older than her i dont approve of.shes 22 hes in his late 30s. she eventually married and had kids with him which really mad me mad/added to the gross factor.she lives out of state but calls me alot. what makes me mad about her situation is this guy was a father figure in her life.he helped raise her.was like a "step dad" and she ends up stealing him away from her "mom" (my aunt) and marrying him. whats worse is she calls me up and says im jealous of her because shes now "well off" with him and has kids and a family. i have no reason to be jealous.she is very self centered and gives me attitude alot.i find it repulsive.she also pawns her kids off on our biological mom. shes mad that my mom wasnt able to raise me or her and says mom owes her the babysitting for free...my mom is having health problems but will do anything for her grandkids.and these aren't kids.. these are 2 male babies born within a year of each other.. one is less than a year old and one is a year and half.she'd rather go out and have fun with her husband than raise her kids.. this means visits to amusement parks without the kids,lavish vacations,and dinners out every night or week. ive tried to explain to her once you have kids your life changes.you make it all about them and not yourself. of course she doesnt listen because i dont have kids myself.

my sister also tries to cause arguments with me over why i dont want to see or talk to my "nephews"...i know its not the kids fault but im considering cutting her and them out of my life because she is all about trying to start drama with me and she knows im sick. she doesnt care.i'm 24 and have been dating a man in his 40's..20 years my senior but at least by law its legal because i'm considered an adult now.. yea the age difference is great but we really do love each other. age is just a number in my opinion. 17 and 27 though.. you know those two can't relate on anything and hes probably just looking to get laid in my opinion.she thinks shes in love but will learn someday what true love is.. i'm still learning.i would not go as far as reporting it (i have considered it for my sister also when she was a teen and "in love" with this man)...but i would sit down and have a conversation with your niece and her parents to let them know how you feel about the situation or even an email. or the alternative like you said,stay out of it and learn to live with it. it may be a temporary thing. these 2 may eventually break up.
in my experience though, i have found people are going to do what theyre going to do regardless of what you think.its their life and it causes you less drama or stress if you just say to yourself i know i dont approve of this,but theyre going to learn and be a stronger person for it in the end and hopefully not make the same mistakes.things like this are usually a pattern, like you said her mother married for money. my sister and her aunt did the same thing. i do not believe my sister is truly happy in her relationship and is regretting it. thats why she calls me up saying i'm jealous of her. misery loves company. so i've been ignoring her lately. it works.

[amaranthe]

Thamk you all for your thoughtful replies. I am sure you are probobly right that I need to keep my mouth shut about this, since they are her parents and I am not. After all, I don't want anyone else trying to tell me how to raise MY child, so I guess that means that I need to mind my own business about this, even though it is killing me!

They met at church camp. I think he was a camp counselor or something. (Real encouraging, huh?) My brother is the children's minister at their church. But, he is also extremely naive. It is just his nature. He just can't conceive that there is any bad in most anyone! As for my sister-in-law, she grew up poor. Her parents divorced when she was a teenager because she was dating a black guy and her father disagreed with allowing her to do so. But, her mother thought she should be free to date whomever she wished. So, I guess that's probobly why my sister-in-law thinks my neice should be free to date whomever she wishes.

Hopefully this relationship will run it's course and die a natural death, since she is a Senior this year and will be going away to college in a few months. She plans on going to a college out of state. Let's just hope/pray that nothing interferes with her plans (like pregnancy) or something.

Thank you again for all of your advice. I have been so upset about this and really appreciate itl

Sincerely,
Amaranthe

[flowerangela]

if you think shes having sex i would ask her if she knows about birth control or have her parents talked to her about it.pregnancy would not be a good thing for her right now.

[luvsterriers]

I am not a parent, but if I were one and my teen daughter told me her boyfriend was a man in his 20s I would freak out! No daughter or even son of mine would be dating someone that much older than them. I did date when I was a teen but my boyfriends were either same age as me or just a year or so younger or older than me. I was 17 when I had my first boyfriend and he was 16.