Other Relatives

[luvsterriers]

I wasn't too sure what to name the subject line. For those of you who are aunts, uncles, or grandparents, do you discipline your grandchildren, nieces or nephews if they are missbehaving? Say for example, you are having a barbecue at your house. You cleaned the entire house before your guests arrive. You invited your family and some friends. Let's say your daughter brings her children over. The youngest are 5 and 6 years old. Let's say they are being loud and throwing things in some part of the house. Their are other guests there too. You can't deal with the noise and the throwing things around since you spent a long time cleaning the house. Do you yell at the children to quiet it down? Not using profanity of course. I think the grandparent or other family member has every right to discipline the child. This situation happened at my aunt's house. She spent the entire day cleaning the house. Her two youngest grandchildren were being very bad and she yelled at them to stop. My cousin was livid that she just picked up the two youngest children, and just walked out of the house with her husband and two oldest children without saying bye to anyone. She told her husband loud enough for me to hear "That is why I hate coming here." This happened July 4. To make it even worse, my cousin emailed her mom saying to never contact her again. Mom called grandma yesterday and grandma told her that still my aunt and cousin aren't talking. What would you do in this situation? Do you think my cousin was right to do what she did? When I was a child, my grandparents disciplined me and so did my uncle (dad's youngest brother) and my parents didn't get upset. Of course if my extended family used profanity, then I can see my parents getting upset. I know in Korean customs you don't go out on your elders. If my cousin did this in a Korean family, she would be disowned.

[ICNDonna]

That's a tough question. I don't think yelling at children helps much --- they can be corrected without shouting. I know that sometimes when children misbehave, it's easy to feel like it, but it doesn't usually help. Also there may be other things going on between these two family members that you don't know about.

They will both get over it.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[bubbe1]

other family

Hi,
I agree with Donna.
I'm a grandma and I can say there have been times when the grand kids are visitng,(usually for several days since they are out of state), and they start to get really wild,(a little wild is okay-they're kids). I generally will let my daughter or son-in-law deal with the issue, but sometimes, if parents aren't around, or not doing anything, I will say something to the kids. I never yell at them, it doesn't do any good. I've found that asking them quietly to calm down, or suggesting we do something that is calming, usually works.
The other option is to ask one of their parents to intercede.

[teachmemath]

"Also there may be other things going on between these two family members that you don't know about."

When there is a history of issues, it doesn't take much ...just like when you're already in a flare.

[luvsterriers]

When my cousin's oldest daughter was 2 years old, she almost touched a light socket and my grandfather told her don't do that. I wasn't there to hear him tell her this though. My cousin's husband got so livid at my grandfather and he yelled at my grandfather and said to never discipline his child. WOW! The nerve for a young man to yell at a elderly relative! My grandfather was 78 at the time. My cousin was 23 and her husband was 22. If my cousin's husband did this to a Korean family, he would be shunned and disciplined himself. You simply don't argue with elders.

About the episode on July 4th at my aunt's house, my cousin and her husband weren't near the kids when my aunt scolded them. She wasn't mean to the kids. The kids didn't cry and complain to their parents. My grandmother and parents are very disappointed with my cousin. My dad told me to not contact my cousin. I have looked up to my cousin since she is 2 years older, but due to her attitude I'm just shocked. Not sure how many times this has happened between my aunt and my cousin.

[kadi]

As a teacher, I'm seeing this more and more.

When I was growing up, if a neighbor or other relative had to speak to me or my brother, we got in even more trouble with our parents! It never occurred to my parents to yell at the other adults! And it was pretty much the same with the other parents in my neighborhood. Well, except for one neighbor who just weakly said, "Well, boys will be boys" whenever her terrible children did some new awful thing. Sadly, this just meant we other kids weren't allowed to play with them after awhile.

But, now I hear this frequently about family or neighborhood interactions. And I hear this even from (fortunately only a few) parents of my students who think that no one (including teachers) should tell their children "no". What I think is tragic is that children whose parents don't discipline them reasonably, usually wind up disciplined by someone else - a teacher, principal, law enforcement, or the biggest thug on the block- with far graver consequences.

[MaryS]

I agree with Kadi on this thing. My parents would be upset with me if i misbehaved at someones house. they would not be upset if we were corrected by someone else. They would have been embarrassed by our behavior, NOT defensive. We would have then had another lecture from them when we left that persons house. We were raised in the era when you went to someones home you behaved well and didnt touch anything we werent supposed to touch etc.

My mother in law has one corner of her family room loaded with toys for all age groups so when the grandchildren were there they had things to do while the adults socialized together. Kids never misbehaved because they had things to entertain them and the older kids watched tv in that room while the parents were upstairs having coffee and chatting..worked out well..she is a great grandmother.

My advice to you would be STAY OUT OF IT. It will work itself out sooner or later. If you get involved and take sides your cousin will then get mad at you and might not forgive you for taking sides in this argument.She will eventually forgive her mother but she might not forgive you because you sided against HER. 20 years ago my sister had a disagreement with our cousin. Because of this fight our cousin has stopped talking to my entire family and still holds a grudge...........very sad because I was not a part of it nor did i get involved. My cousin hates me because of my sister......i guess in my cousins eyes i am guilty by association. It is sad because my kids never got to meet their cousins nor did i get the chance to meet her kids and watch them grow into adults.