Tweet
IC & Beyond
This illness had a profound impact in my life,my family,my dreams,& my personality.When I first got diagnosed with it ,I never thought it was a big deal,but over the years ,I slowly slip into a different person as the pain increases miserably. I just finished college,got married ,have a child & boom Ic & boom divorced.Thirty years old woman full of dreams & went down to almost destitute.I don't know how I survived the days that sometimes I just wanted to swallow all the pills available to me.But can't do that.I always believed that my son deserves all my tribulations.No one else. I don't believe this crap about husband or men, I know someday that in the end it will be my son & me fishing.Many of us suffer the pain of IC. IC brought me sufferings no one could imagine. Alone in the other side of the face of this earth.I literally become destitute when I cannot work. I was evicted many times,with every single thing of value to me I sold it.If I could have sold my soul to survive I could have done it too.For one reason ,only for one reason:My love for my son.On top of IC ,I have a bitter custody battle with my only precious gem that is the reason I exist.My love for him endures nothing in this world. I hated this disease, I hated it with passion, for it takes my dreams & fun for me & my son.But on the other side, this disease proves me a lot of lessons that very few would have found.This disease proves me that love conquers pain.IC show me who are my friends & who are not. IC show me compassion to the intolerable stupidity of other people.IC show me the real me.Most of all when IC brings the worst in me ,it brings also the best in me ,my strength. When I think of my bladder ,I think about my tenacity,my strength,my valor & my freedom. My bladder is a constant reminder of my challenges & challenges me to exercise to conquer the weakest part of me,pain. Pain against love, Pain against hope.If some of you take pain day by day , that is strength.This too will pass & I will be fine the next day.Let men come & go. Let people go,good riddance ,I say.I could not get myself to believe that I can depend myself to anyone after so many men.I learn to use men to my advantage when I needed to survive. I uses them , I uses them to pay my rent,to travel,get me gas,to fix my car or if I am bored.But other than that,I don't recommedn living with them.When my bladder hurts so bad, I look at the other parts of my body that doesnt, & the ones that are useful ,i use them ,like my mind,I use them for fun,humor ,or to disgust people that I don't like.I play chess with my son when we cannot play baseball.I play dumb to some stupid doctors. Now I like to learn how to paint ,maybe this is a good way to express pain.In times I felt weak ,I keep repeating myself verbally ,that I can hear it,that this disease will not going to destroy me.It is destructive,& it is so difficult to fight but not at the expense of one innocent life that will lost a mother.I do have those moments with IC, no question, it can drive you there.And that's the scariest part when pain outbalances hope & the desire to live.When these things crop up on me ,I rearranges my coping machinery.With IC we need to be creative,or it will recreate us.
Instead of why me, try why not......
Let IC exist in us but don't let it live within us.
Instead of why me, try why not......
Let IC exist in us but don't let it live within us.
Comment