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Hey everyone;
Well I was to go to the U of M hospital yesterday, but as my luck goes I became sick. I worked inthe morning my regular whopping 2 1/2 hrs, byt hte time i left i was miserable. I tried getting to my family doc but they where not working, go figure. So i was left to go to the walk in clinic. Yeah, that went well, 4 hrs latter, told i have bronchitis.
So now i have to wait another month to get into the other hospital. But i was couching and my head was pounding so bad i couldnt have driven 2 hrs down there. But i was so disapointed in my self for getting sick on the very day i was to go. I tell you when, I just cant understand my self. I feel my own body is against my mind. I want to do things and get things done and push my self to be well and better, and it never happends. I want to get help and be better, and well,look at me now. I just cant belive my odds. I really cant.
Lattly, I have not gaind any more weight but when i was on the Lupron shots i had gaind about 40 pounds. I managed to loos about 10 of it. But then since then, It will not budge a pound. This is really stressing me out. Just 3 years back, I was 40 pounds lighter. I could do all differant exercisess with out much consequences. I didnt have to think ok if i do this or that or walk to much this day in a day or two i might be hurting and better make sure i have the weeknd to recover from it.
I tried to talk a while back to my family doctor over this she just been my family doctors for about a year now. I generaly like her a lot and she is sinsitive on things. and the last visit, i brought up about my weight issues and about how i am so desperate to loose weight.
She tell me well I think its ur bad genetics, and if you want to loose weight u have to get the surgery done cos you will never loose it. I found it very harsh of her to say. First of all she has never even give any medial help as in diet pills or anything to try first. and she just flat out says u have to get surgery to loose weight.
Besides being sick all the time this issueis rideing h ard on my mind. She said i have to cut calories down to 1400-1200cals. Which i pretty much do anyways. I wrote it all out, counted all calories and wrote down everything. about every 4 days or so i would be more like 1600. I need to exerccise. I want to exercise. Its really bothering me that i cant. Even going up stairs, which i live in an apartment up stairs, will hurt and set things off again.
I wish things will settle down and i can gain some control. I feel life is spinning out of hand. This past week just is more and more issues to worry over. My poor uncle is on his death bed. I not have much contact with him, not seen since the year 2000. But hes been suffering with MS for so many years. And he is my real fathers brother. Which i have no contact with my real father. Which i found about 2 weeks back he has prostrate cancer.
Then i have my own issues, this week too. My poor mom I call her and tell her all this all she says to me any more is this... I just dont know what to say to you any more. Your always in pain, and i just cant help you. So since my sister moved back home from TX, in Jan, she pretty much ignored me. I am lucky to hear from her 1 time a week now. since she "just doesnt know what to say to me any more".
For once i like things to go smoothly. THe next few weeks are not going to go well. And I will not be able to attend my uncles furneral. I am in MI and they live in TENN. And since i am so short on money, its not even possible to stop work to attend. WHich I feel very horrible about. He is a good person. So its even worse.
So then of course, I am home alone. and my old ways want to sneek up on me and been doing so to often lattly. Since i was in the 9th grade, I have an eating disorder also. i eat and purge, I know is wrong and been batteling it for so many years. and been doing well since 1997. Doing well is very rarely happening. But when to much stress occures, it happends. And this last month its been happening. I told my doctor about it she was the only doctors i told to. I told her if i do not start to loose weight it will happen, and well .. it has. BUt stress is a major triger. Today i been thinking to much on it. I was trying on my old clothing, well from 3 years back to see if i can manage to get into yet, since i have been keeping track, but no not yet. Which is so frustrating. I just do not understand why not even a pound will not go away. I am a Vegetarian. I dont over load on sweets. Its very rear that i do eat them. I dont eat candies. Only on special holidays. and if i get ice cream its hte lite or diet kind. I use soy milk, or lactose fat free milk. and i buy the smart ones dinners, and just eat one. I stay away from breads except a few days a month. if i buy bread i usualy throw 1/2 away.
But having all the conditions i have i have to eat for them not what i like, witht he IBS, and the IC, and the acid reflux, and being Veg. I dont use extra salk and nothing is with surgar, no soda, no coffee, not even tea or juice. water or milk is it. and realy do i buy cheese. only for special dishes for other guests arraive if needed. plus i do not eat out. No fast food ever. adn if i go out ,lol ic ant pay cos i have no money. so its very rear it happends at all. And yet, I do not loose weight. most of the day i eat cereal, high fiber. or oatmeat, with toast, fat free spray butters/margerin. no real butter.
I am so frustrated with my life. Honestly i cant staand my own self. I am so feb up. I am lost. Nothing works like it was before. I am left in pain, cant exercise with out pain, and not the little acking pain, the horrible lasting for weeks in bed pains. I eat little but i do eat very few hrs. And lattly if i do not eat right off, I get the skakes and headachs. It never ends.
I am just at the point to where if one more thing goes wrong.. i just dont know if i can manage it. I Am so overwelmed. I think for now i will sleep.
take care everyone.. best to you all.
stacy
Well I was to go to the U of M hospital yesterday, but as my luck goes I became sick. I worked inthe morning my regular whopping 2 1/2 hrs, byt hte time i left i was miserable. I tried getting to my family doc but they where not working, go figure. So i was left to go to the walk in clinic. Yeah, that went well, 4 hrs latter, told i have bronchitis.
So now i have to wait another month to get into the other hospital. But i was couching and my head was pounding so bad i couldnt have driven 2 hrs down there. But i was so disapointed in my self for getting sick on the very day i was to go. I tell you when, I just cant understand my self. I feel my own body is against my mind. I want to do things and get things done and push my self to be well and better, and it never happends. I want to get help and be better, and well,look at me now. I just cant belive my odds. I really cant.
Lattly, I have not gaind any more weight but when i was on the Lupron shots i had gaind about 40 pounds. I managed to loos about 10 of it. But then since then, It will not budge a pound. This is really stressing me out. Just 3 years back, I was 40 pounds lighter. I could do all differant exercisess with out much consequences. I didnt have to think ok if i do this or that or walk to much this day in a day or two i might be hurting and better make sure i have the weeknd to recover from it.
I tried to talk a while back to my family doctor over this she just been my family doctors for about a year now. I generaly like her a lot and she is sinsitive on things. and the last visit, i brought up about my weight issues and about how i am so desperate to loose weight.
She tell me well I think its ur bad genetics, and if you want to loose weight u have to get the surgery done cos you will never loose it. I found it very harsh of her to say. First of all she has never even give any medial help as in diet pills or anything to try first. and she just flat out says u have to get surgery to loose weight.
Besides being sick all the time this issueis rideing h ard on my mind. She said i have to cut calories down to 1400-1200cals. Which i pretty much do anyways. I wrote it all out, counted all calories and wrote down everything. about every 4 days or so i would be more like 1600. I need to exerccise. I want to exercise. Its really bothering me that i cant. Even going up stairs, which i live in an apartment up stairs, will hurt and set things off again.
I wish things will settle down and i can gain some control. I feel life is spinning out of hand. This past week just is more and more issues to worry over. My poor uncle is on his death bed. I not have much contact with him, not seen since the year 2000. But hes been suffering with MS for so many years. And he is my real fathers brother. Which i have no contact with my real father. Which i found about 2 weeks back he has prostrate cancer.
Then i have my own issues, this week too. My poor mom I call her and tell her all this all she says to me any more is this... I just dont know what to say to you any more. Your always in pain, and i just cant help you. So since my sister moved back home from TX, in Jan, she pretty much ignored me. I am lucky to hear from her 1 time a week now. since she "just doesnt know what to say to me any more".
For once i like things to go smoothly. THe next few weeks are not going to go well. And I will not be able to attend my uncles furneral. I am in MI and they live in TENN. And since i am so short on money, its not even possible to stop work to attend. WHich I feel very horrible about. He is a good person. So its even worse.
So then of course, I am home alone. and my old ways want to sneek up on me and been doing so to often lattly. Since i was in the 9th grade, I have an eating disorder also. i eat and purge, I know is wrong and been batteling it for so many years. and been doing well since 1997. Doing well is very rarely happening. But when to much stress occures, it happends. And this last month its been happening. I told my doctor about it she was the only doctors i told to. I told her if i do not start to loose weight it will happen, and well .. it has. BUt stress is a major triger. Today i been thinking to much on it. I was trying on my old clothing, well from 3 years back to see if i can manage to get into yet, since i have been keeping track, but no not yet. Which is so frustrating. I just do not understand why not even a pound will not go away. I am a Vegetarian. I dont over load on sweets. Its very rear that i do eat them. I dont eat candies. Only on special holidays. and if i get ice cream its hte lite or diet kind. I use soy milk, or lactose fat free milk. and i buy the smart ones dinners, and just eat one. I stay away from breads except a few days a month. if i buy bread i usualy throw 1/2 away.
But having all the conditions i have i have to eat for them not what i like, witht he IBS, and the IC, and the acid reflux, and being Veg. I dont use extra salk and nothing is with surgar, no soda, no coffee, not even tea or juice. water or milk is it. and realy do i buy cheese. only for special dishes for other guests arraive if needed. plus i do not eat out. No fast food ever. adn if i go out ,lol ic ant pay cos i have no money. so its very rear it happends at all. And yet, I do not loose weight. most of the day i eat cereal, high fiber. or oatmeat, with toast, fat free spray butters/margerin. no real butter.
I am so frustrated with my life. Honestly i cant staand my own self. I am so feb up. I am lost. Nothing works like it was before. I am left in pain, cant exercise with out pain, and not the little acking pain, the horrible lasting for weeks in bed pains. I eat little but i do eat very few hrs. And lattly if i do not eat right off, I get the skakes and headachs. It never ends.
I am just at the point to where if one more thing goes wrong.. i just dont know if i can manage it. I Am so overwelmed. I think for now i will sleep.
take care everyone.. best to you all.
stacy
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