Peer Pressure

[MerryBerryMoose]

Well, I seem to be the only one who posts in this section
Anyway, my dilema and what I post is of a rather sensative nature. And I just wanted to give readers a heads up.


A big part of HighSchool is peer pressurer. To smoke, drink, cut class, ect. I have never been a direct or really indirect target of this. So I consider myself lucky in that regaurd.

Recently my boyfriend and I have been hanging out more. Spending time together and such. One of my good friends (who has completely changed since she met her current BF) and I talk "girl talk" in a sence. As sort of an unspoken code though, we never talk in detail about certain things. Guys on the other hand...at least in HS they brag like there is no tomorrow about what they do, where and whith who.

When I was over at my BFs house yesterday my friends BF IMed him and they chatted for a bit (my firends BF didn't know I was over). Asked if we were going to homecoming and what not. My BF said maybe and asked if he was going and so on. Long story short, my friends BF said he needed other "stuff" for homecoming. Naturally, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and asked my boyfriend "Oh, what stuff?". That qustion would burn my eyes and kill my day. My friends BF then talked about what they did. And OH MY GOSH DID IT BURN!!!!!!! The thing is...before my friend started dating this guy, she would have NEVER have done that. She didn't know what sex was, not to mention other things that go along with it. And now she acts like those girls on Girls Gone Wild (not really in pulblic though). She used to be UBER conservative.

I mean, my BF was completly appauled at what they do and said such (to me). But now...I sort of feel like this werid (and sick) peer pressure to do what she does. It's hard to explain and kind of a girl thing I guess...but yeah. Most of my friends relationship is based on lust. She fell head over heels to quick and too fast. They never talk about...things that matter. Like their feelings and stuff. They just hang out and....yeah...(it burns). When I first started dating my BF all we did was talk. About our backgrounds, likes/dislikes, and even the most random things.

I tired to talk to my mother about this...but she just chaged the subject quicket than I could blink. And yeah, that's not helpful becuase ignoring it itsn't going to make it go away or fix it.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can approach the subject again. Or even any adivce for how I should handle this new feeling of like I need to be doing more...

This is the one part of HS I hoped I would never need to deal with.

[SharonA]

Merry... I remember what is was like to be in HS even though I am probably old enough to be your grandmother. It is difficult and there is peer pressure, but it sounds like you already know what is right for you. Please don't feel like you have to do something that is not really what you want to do and not something you are ready to do. Remember...Once it's done, it's done. There is no turning back.

For me, I don't think that sex should be a thing that you do because everyone else is doing it. It should be saved until you find the right partner who will take your feelings into consideration and who will stand by you, no matter what. It's not a way to pass time. It's not a way to say "I like you". It is a way to show how much you love someone who you are committed to...completely. Commitment...That is the important thing.

Keep trying to talk about this with your mom. Kinda go at it like you are really puzzling this one over. Let her know that you value her insight and advice. After all, she is an older version of you. One day, you might find yourself where you will need to rely on her advice and remember her words. (((Hugs)))

[kuntrygurl78]

I just had my ten year class reunion. But I remember what you are going thru as if it was yesterday. And it doesnt go away once you get out of high school.

You need to find an adult, teacher, etc that you can talk to. Maybe someone who knows both you and your friend.

I just want to tell you to never let yourself fall to negative peer pressure. Its not worth it. Remember who you are and stand up for yourself. You will be more proud of yourself for doing that than if you give in. Stand up and be strong!

We are here for you. Always feel free to come to us!

[ICNDonna]

You've already been given some good advice. I'm also old enough to be your grammy, but I also remember the peer pressure in high school. It sounds like you have a nice boy friend who really cares for you.

My father once gave me some advice I have never forgotten. He told me I should remember that anyone who really cares about me would never ask me to do anything that could end up hurting me.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Berkshire Road]

Wow, there was almost too much code in that post for me to follow it completely... but it sounds like some of this pressure you're feeling, you're putting on yourself. Did your friend actually tell you this is what you need to do in order to keep your BF, or do you just feel like maybe you should be doing "more" because you found out that she is? Is your BF pressuring you? It didn't sound like it, but as I said, I'm not sure I understood everything in what you wrote.

I always look forward to your posts because you seem so intelligent, so aware, that even though you're quite a bit younger, you sometimes have clearer insights than I do. You just need to trust yourself. You know what is right for you. If something makes you uncomfortable, then it's not time yet for you to do it. Honestly, I think one of the reasons behind peer pressure, it's because people want their own actions validated by having others do the same thing. Like it will be less wrong if more people are doing it. This is just as dumb as it sounds.

You know what to do, and what not to do. Don't confuse yourself worrying about what someone else is doing. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with yourself, live with your actions.

I agree with some of the others that it would really help if you had an adult in your life that you could trust, who would be willing to help you sort through all of this. But even without that, I have faith that you will be fine, as long as you follow your own heart rather than trying to be more like someone else.

[hdb1982]

The best thing I can tell you is that whenyou find the right person and the time is right in your life, you will know. The "first time" is something that, no matter what, you can never ever get back. And 20 years later you don't want to regret your first time. You want it to be something you remember for positive reasons, not negative. I am only 24 so I was there not to long ago. I am not going to give yo the bs line to save yourself until you are married UNLESS THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT. I am now married to Adam who I have been steady with since I was 14. I lost my virginity at 16, with him, and have been with only him. I don't regret doing it at 16. I just knew th time was right. And I also knew that if by accident I became pregnant he would not leave me to do it on my own. A lot of ppl don't think about things like pregnancy and such but it only takes one time. My best friend got pregnant her first time at 17. So make sure you ask yourself "if I would happen to get pregnant by him is he someone I want to be tied to for the rest of my life" As far as your friend goes. Try not to judge her by her actions. She is probably as cinfused and as scared about the whole thing as your are but afraid to admit it. Trying to be cool. Just stand by her side and be there to pick her up if she falls. If she asks you opinion be honest but let her know you are only worried because you love her so much. If she starts to become reckless with it have a heart to heart with her but don't come across judgmental because it may send her running theother way. If she starts to pressure you tell her she makes her choices and you don't pressure her to do things differntly so please have respect for my choices and don't pressure me to do something I am not comfortable with. Make sure she knows you are always there to talk or listen. Maybe she is crying out looking for attention and this is the only way she thinks she can get it. Make sure she knows how much you love her and tell her all the good things she has to offer and how wonderful she is. Maybe if she has a higher self esteem she won't be so quick to do these things with guys. Sorry to be so long but I know how it feels to not have anone to talk to about this type of thing. Just be strong with whatever choices you make regarding your life and don't let anyone push or pressure you into anything you will regret one day. You can pm me if you like to talk more personally. Heather

[MerryBerryMoose]

Everyone, thank you so much for your advice.

Instead of giving it another go with my mom I decided to talk to my boyfriends mom (she's very understanding and was more than willing to help). Basicaly she said what you guys said. Do whats right for me (or us). And that's how I'm going to go about my relationship. To do only what both of us are completely comfortable with.

More recently I have found out more about my friends situation. And now I feel sorry becuase I think she is in a way being pressured (and maybe forced) into doing what she's doing. She "loves" her BF and would do anything to keep him. That's what worries me. Her friends list is limited and her parents would KILL her if they knew. She opened up a little to my BF but yeah. I sent her an e-mail asking if she's okay and that if she ever needs to talk I'm here. I hope she opens up a little because I can just see it's eating at her...what ever it is.

[Jamey]

Sounds like you've got things figured pretty good. I hope you can help your friend but be careful not to get pulled down with her. Keep thinking positive and try to always think of what effect things will have on you later. You sound like you have good instincts, if you feel strongly about something don't ignore it.

[GriffsMommy]

Gabby,
I'm sorry that your friend is in a situation that isn't good for her and that makes you feel this way. I remember when I was in high school and I had friends doing things well before I was ready for them. It was kinda weird but they didn't try to pressure me because they cared about me and I told them to be careful about the stuff they were doing.
It's sad that you couldn't talk to your mom about this stuff but it probably just made her really uncomfortable and nervous, god only knows us mom's don't look forward to these converstaions (I'm a step mother to three teenagers so I've already had some of the talks). At least you could talk to your BF mom about it and had an adult to get all of this off of your chest to. I really do hope that your friend will be okay and you really didn't need us to tell you what to do, you already knew, you just wanted someone to reassure I think

[Judy777]

Merry, You seem very mature for your age and sound like you know what is right.

I am 37, but I have a daughter who is 15 and in High School. As far as the peer pressure the advice the others gave about waiting until the time and person is right is sooo true! You will know when it's the right time and guy for you. I started dating a boy when I was in the 9th Grade we were pretty serious, but I made him wait as far as having sex. He did not pressure me and waited for when I thought I was ready. He loved me enough to wait and respect my wishes. We have been together for 23 years and married for 19 years.