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A rough discussion, some answers, and an unexpected hope.
This past weekend was just incredible.
First of all, on Thursday night Andy and I talked babies. I was getting ready for the doctor's office the next day and pulled out the stories from the various folks about their pregnancy experiences. Andy wanted to read them so I gave them to him.
We had a long talk about pregnancy and my fears. A long talk. I asked him what he thought about adoption. His response wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was honest.
He said that as an idea, he loves the idea of adoption. He thinks it's a great thing. For himself, he's never thought about it and reserves the right to change his mind should it ever come to pass, but that he never considered it instead of having his own children. He said that he wished he was a better person, but he really couldn't reliably say that if he had to cancel a gig to take the kid to the doctor's office that he wouldn't resent it. That he wouldn't think to himself "This isn't even my kid anyway."
His past affects the way he feels quite a bit. He has known two people who were adopted, and both of those folks were seriously emotionally screwed up about it. He recognizes that that's an awfully small group to form an opinion of, but he really is afraid of having an adopted kid and screwing them up. Also, I was raised in a family with step-sisters and a stepdad. I have personal experience with non-biologics being total family. He doesn't have that experience. And in fact the biological connection between his family has always been something they highlighted. Even after the divorce. Essentially biology holds a lot more weight with him than it does with me.
He said that he would have to know whether or not we were going to give biological birth before he thought about whether he was up for adoption. He was really uncomfortable about it and said that he was wishing he could just tell me that, yes, he'd like to go for it, but he wasn't sure he could. And he wasn't sure that he wouldn't rather try surrogate motherhood or just living the two of us rather than adoption.
It's not the opinion I wish he had. I can see all sorts of prejudices there that I don't agree with. But I respect him for telling the truth. After all, it's for the rest of our lives. I don't want to bring an adopted kid into a situation where dad isn't sure they want him or her.
I had plenty of time to do some breaking down. I talked about my fears such as they are and how I really really don't want to have a baby and be left unable to care for it. To leave Andy a single father effectively on one income. To resent him and the baby because my life was ruined.
We took a little break, and then something crazy happened. Andy came back in, sat down, and started to cry. Really... tears-down-the-cheeks cry. He said that he'd always been absolutely sure he wanted to be a father. Absolutely sure. And that he wasn't sure about adoption, but if we decided not to give birth he would need time to mourn that loss before he'd be ready to think honestly about alternatives.
So I started to bawl because I felt like I had done this to him. And I decided at that moment that most likely even if it was a huge risk to me I would probably try and get pregnant. I couldn't take that from him. He's made so few demands on our marriage. He has been wonderful and gone with the flow so many times. I have never seen him care so much about something that it drove him to miserable tears. And if he did wind up a single dad, he would be the best single dad ever.
In the end I sheepishly pulled out the book I've been reading, "Father Need";. I picked it up at the library a few days ago. It was sitting there out in the "books you may have missed" section and I thought, why not?
Well, now Andy is reading it. I really enjoyed the book. I loved what it had to say about being a dad, about mothers gate-keeping with the kids, about needs the kid has, and what to expect at various stages. It blows my mind that he's reading it. If he doesn't read any other children's books (he's not the reserchophile that I am) it's good enough, as far as I'm concerned.
He has advised me that he'll probably read it slowly and I may need to renew it so that he'll absorb it at a rate he can handle..
Anyway, it was a very emotional and, for me, enlightening evening. We went to bed prepared to go see the specialist the next day.
To read about what the doctor said, go to my thread in Success Stories
First of all, on Thursday night Andy and I talked babies. I was getting ready for the doctor's office the next day and pulled out the stories from the various folks about their pregnancy experiences. Andy wanted to read them so I gave them to him.
We had a long talk about pregnancy and my fears. A long talk. I asked him what he thought about adoption. His response wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was honest.
He said that as an idea, he loves the idea of adoption. He thinks it's a great thing. For himself, he's never thought about it and reserves the right to change his mind should it ever come to pass, but that he never considered it instead of having his own children. He said that he wished he was a better person, but he really couldn't reliably say that if he had to cancel a gig to take the kid to the doctor's office that he wouldn't resent it. That he wouldn't think to himself "This isn't even my kid anyway."
His past affects the way he feels quite a bit. He has known two people who were adopted, and both of those folks were seriously emotionally screwed up about it. He recognizes that that's an awfully small group to form an opinion of, but he really is afraid of having an adopted kid and screwing them up. Also, I was raised in a family with step-sisters and a stepdad. I have personal experience with non-biologics being total family. He doesn't have that experience. And in fact the biological connection between his family has always been something they highlighted. Even after the divorce. Essentially biology holds a lot more weight with him than it does with me.
He said that he would have to know whether or not we were going to give biological birth before he thought about whether he was up for adoption. He was really uncomfortable about it and said that he was wishing he could just tell me that, yes, he'd like to go for it, but he wasn't sure he could. And he wasn't sure that he wouldn't rather try surrogate motherhood or just living the two of us rather than adoption.
It's not the opinion I wish he had. I can see all sorts of prejudices there that I don't agree with. But I respect him for telling the truth. After all, it's for the rest of our lives. I don't want to bring an adopted kid into a situation where dad isn't sure they want him or her.
I had plenty of time to do some breaking down. I talked about my fears such as they are and how I really really don't want to have a baby and be left unable to care for it. To leave Andy a single father effectively on one income. To resent him and the baby because my life was ruined.
We took a little break, and then something crazy happened. Andy came back in, sat down, and started to cry. Really... tears-down-the-cheeks cry. He said that he'd always been absolutely sure he wanted to be a father. Absolutely sure. And that he wasn't sure about adoption, but if we decided not to give birth he would need time to mourn that loss before he'd be ready to think honestly about alternatives.
So I started to bawl because I felt like I had done this to him. And I decided at that moment that most likely even if it was a huge risk to me I would probably try and get pregnant. I couldn't take that from him. He's made so few demands on our marriage. He has been wonderful and gone with the flow so many times. I have never seen him care so much about something that it drove him to miserable tears. And if he did wind up a single dad, he would be the best single dad ever.
In the end I sheepishly pulled out the book I've been reading, "Father Need";. I picked it up at the library a few days ago. It was sitting there out in the "books you may have missed" section and I thought, why not?
Well, now Andy is reading it. I really enjoyed the book. I loved what it had to say about being a dad, about mothers gate-keeping with the kids, about needs the kid has, and what to expect at various stages. It blows my mind that he's reading it. If he doesn't read any other children's books (he's not the reserchophile that I am) it's good enough, as far as I'm concerned.
He has advised me that he'll probably read it slowly and I may need to renew it so that he'll absorb it at a rate he can handle..
Anyway, it was a very emotional and, for me, enlightening evening. We went to bed prepared to go see the specialist the next day.
To read about what the doctor said, go to my thread in Success Stories
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