What NOT to say to infertile couples...

[kels34]

Last week-end I had 2 people tell me that in order to get pregnant I should "relax", go out for a romantic dinner, light some candles and "forget" about trying to conceive child # 2.

Can I say that in all my years of struggling w/infertility (child # 1 was a miracle, after 6 years of trying. She's 7 now, and we have been trying for # 2 for years)I have heard variations of this advice and it has never caused me anything but pain and frustration?

It says very clearly to me that not being able to conceive is my own fault - I am obviously not relaxed enough, or romantic enough, or forgetful enough.

It is interesting to note that nobody who is close to me and who has walked this difficult road with me in love and support has ever said this to me. It's always people who don't know me well or who don't really want to listen to the truth - they give easy answers (to them) that choke and burden me w/guilt and shame.

Infertility is a physical problem, rarely resolved w/a fancy dinner and bottle of wine. It is a medical problem, and the choice to obtain medical help is often a difficult one. It is demeaning to overlook the research infertile couples do, the tests (often painful, esp. for an IC patient) they go through, the meds (w/side effects) a woman may have to take, the pain and sense of failure...to sweep it all away with one comment is hard to take. I can be happy for a couple who conceived on a romantic week-end in Lake Placid, but as an infertile woman, I am playing w/a whole different deck of cards.

This process has been so hard for me - oh, did I mention that this month is not THE month either? Sex sends me into terrible flares, there is a part of each month that I cannot take pain meds, the fertility meds cause several days of depression and despair each month, and at the end of every month, disappointment as my period comes, the flare from hades arrives, and I'm left w/the knowledge that it was all for nothing. (you guys know what I mean - I love sex, but I have to do it so much and it hurts so much, it's just not fun anymore.)

Can you guess why someone who breezes into my life, chats for a few moments and then quickly diagnoses my problem as "well, you're just trying too hard" isn't exactly doing me any favors. I know most people say it out of a sincere desire to be helpful, and I don't want to be mean. I am feeling down tonight, and a bit fragile.

I just wanted to vent a bit, and to let you know that if you are ever talking to a infertile woman, please don't tell her to go buy a bottle of wine and a Johnny Mathis CD. Just listen. You can't go wrong if you listen to her and tell her you care. My closest friends can't say a single thing to make me feel better - they just listen and make sympathetic noises and take me out to lunch and cry w/me and laugh w/me and pray for me.

I am tired and hurting physcially and feeling depressed and sad about many things, and I just wanted to share this with you all. I know that in a few days I will feel stronger, although the shock of the events in States will linger for a long time. Thanks for listening.
Love, Kelly

[jaime15]

Kelly,
I support you. And am here if you need to talk more.

[email protected]

Love,
Jaime

[Arroyo]

Kelly,
I completely understand and feel your pain. I am 32 never had any children and the only I've ever wanted is that. I remember when I was 4 and I went to the fair with my parents. I saw a poster with a pregnant woman on it...she had long, strait, brown hair and she was standing in a forest holding her pregnant belly....I wanted to win that poster. My dad won it for and I looked at it day and night for years. I use to smile and think to myself, "I can't wait until that's me.". I have struggled with many things about not being able to have a child and now I'm married...just 7 months ago...finally and I'm having a hard time too. It's not just hard....there isn't a word to describe the pain if you desire something so badly and fee that was why you were put on this planet and it doesn't happen. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. I don't know if I have infertility problems or not....I haven't gone that far yet...but with IC the whole process has slowed down. I'm sorry people are insensitive to you....Just remember God wouldn't give you the desire if it wasn't something he wanted you to have. That's the only thing that keeps me going.

Keep smiling!! HUGS
Adrienne

[Boots]

I'm so terribly sorry. My husband and I tried for 10 years to have a child. That was a long time ago and now I'm 49. I can remember the longing from the deepest part of my heart and soul to have a child. I would have given ANYTHING to have a child, as only someone who's been there can understand. This won't make a difference to you now BUT - my life has been fulfilling in ways I never imagined, I have been able to reach out and help many children and others, and I can honestly say that at this point - I'm OK! I lived and I thrived. I think sometimes God knows something we don't. Believe it or not, the pain MIGHT not be as bad someday. Nothing could have eased my grief and aching at the time (I felt this ache in the middle of my chest physically sometimes), but I found out, slowly at first, that I could live without many things I thought I HAD to have. Having said all that, I say again how sorry I am for your sadness and longing.

[kels34]

Thank you so much for your replies! I should post your replies under "What TO say to an infertile woman!" 99% of the time, I have peace w/the plans God has for my life in the children catagory - the other 1% (usually the day I start my period) I sink a bit and need to be reminded...thanks a bunch! My daughter has been such a tremendous blessing to me, and I know that my life is in God's hands. There has been so much going on, and I feel so blessed that eaching evening my dear ones return to me and we have each other to love, once again. It breaks my heart that that is not the case for so many families in the US today. Man alive, this is a rough world! But in this world of man-made roughness, there are God-made glories, often in the most surprising places. Like the internet! Thanks again, ladies!
Love, Kelly
ps - I'm not quite "raring to go" for the next try at conceiving, but I'm getting there. Each month I crash when my period comes, and then slowly gain courage until it is time to try again, at which point I am wildly optimistic and brave. Maybe this makes the next crash worse, but I have to live w/joy and hope or else I'm not living at all!

[shell]

The people that made those insensitive remarks probably have absolutely no clue about infertility. Not an excuse for them, but something to consider. I'm sure most of them aren't consciously trying to hurt you, they probably just don't know what to say so they fall back on platitudes.

I never really knew much about infertility until I worked with a woman that went through IVF to conceive. She and her husband are expecting their child this November, but it was a long, hard road to get there. I can't imagine going through the process she went through while also dealing with IC.

[klarson]

Hi everyone - I know I'm coming in at the tail end of this conversation, but wanted to add something. I have a little boy who will be 5 next month. My husband and I have been trying for about 2 1/2 yrs to have another child. We tried for a yr on our own and then for the last yr or so have been poked, prodded and have had endless tests done. They've found a couple of things wrong, but nothing too terribly serious. We've been through 4 rounds of imseminations and just yesterday wrapped up our 2nd failed IVF attempt. Both times, we only made it through the 1st week of treatments. I didn't respond to the meds/shots even at the highest dosage. We went through 7 days of shots; 4 shots a day into the leg and the stomach. My husband and I were both struggling with going forward with IVF. We want to have another child, but this just doesn't feel right, and the procedures have been really painful. I think yesterday was a sign for us; I didn't respond to the meds. There is one more protocol we could try, but we're done. We feel so lucky to have our son and my heart goes out to all who have struggled with infertility. It seems to take over every aspect of your life. Of course with everything happening this week, it makes me realize how lucky we are to be here every day and to be thankful for all that we have. My husband and I have decided to stop all medical treatments and try on our own for a while. But if we are unsuccessful, I think we're both coming to terms with that. Many things on our lives cannot be controlled and I think were both trying to get to that place. Thanks for letting me share - Kris

[lexis53]

I hate that this hurts so much.

I have a 3 year old. She was a surprise to a 20 year old college student. BUT turning her away was never EVER a thought. Looking at my system, well, the drs were shocked that I had conceived at all. And unplanned too. From then on I knew, she might be my only child.

I pray that one day I will be able to have more when I am financially able to have another. I also know that it might not happen.

I truly think God gave me DD when he did for a reason. I went straight into remission. I stayed there until she was 9 months old. I have never gone that long without pain.

I truly feel your pain. I try to ignore the thoughts that I may never get to have another child. But if I cannot, then I will find other ways to bring children into my home.

Prayers for you. Just remember though, your child is proof that there is hope.


PS- Johnny Mathis?! That would make me giggle- I don't think I could have sex for months if DSO tried to put that on! OT I know, but I try to use humor to get me through. You just gae me something that will help me smile when I have dark thoughts. Thanks and God Bless.