He doesn't understand about babies

[KBee42]

This is more of a vent than anything else, but I would really be interested to hear from women out there that might be going through the same thing.

I turned 27 this past weekend. One of the effects of getting older is that my biological clock has gotten louder and my babylust level is going up.

My husband knows this. We've had discussions about it repeatedly. We agreed to wait another year or two and revisit the subject when the credit cards were paid off.

Unfortunately my recent IC flare up has changed things. Normally my flares lasted two to three weeks. This flare started in April and shows no signs of stopping for any significant length of time.

Having a chronic illness changes things when it comes to having children. I'm afraid about a lot. I'm afraid of the general health and wellbeing of my body. I'm afraid that I'll get pregnant and be one of the minority that lives in constant horrific pain. I'm afraid that my health will deteriorate to the point where pregnancy just isn't possible, or that after years of pain I just plain won't be able to stand pregnancy symptoms on top of everything else.

I tried explaining these changes I'm going through to my husband, and while he's a wonderful man, he's also 27 and young. I got two sentances into my explination and he lectured me for a half an hour about why he isn't ready.

Some of the things he said made me angry. Really really angry. He said some stupid stupid things, like that we shouldn't be worrying about a biological clock until at LEAST 30.

Um, Hello? Is this thing on? What is this "we" kemosabe? Did I not explain that it's MY body doing this, jerkface? Thanks for letting me know what my body should reasonably be telling me.

I'm not trying to force him into kids. I'm trying to let him know that I have concerns about the time frame that we discussed. I want to talk about realistic expectations and the fact that babies (particularly of an IC mom) take PLANNING. And I think it's time to start planning. Not trying, but talking about trying.

He has a history of coming around to scary ideas in his own good time. He talks enough about babies on his own. He despirately wants kids, I know that and he's always said. He's also just obviously despirately afraid.

I understand his fear. I would never "forget" a pill or anything like that. I want to give him the time he needs. But I have stuff going on with me too, and I wish he had the balls to at least listen to what I have to say without knee-jerking into lecture mode.

I'm annoyed and upset. He keeps bringing up kids and needling me about it. It was cute when he was acting like he was sympathetic, now it just ****** me off. I don't want to be teased about it. It's not a joke to me.

We don't have to get pregnant now. I wish he hadn't made it such a miserable thing to even bring up.

Anyone else having the same kind of worries/ problems?

[lainie]

Hi there, I can somewhat relate..my fiance and I have been together for 7 years, bought a house 2 years ago and are trying to save for a wedding (on some island somewhere!) for the past year and a bit, we've beem tyring to have a baby but can't do it on our own and have to go through fertility treatments. Our first appt. to see what is wrong is Oct7.

I understand your fears about IC and becoming a mom. I am terrified about having to stop my IC meds while trying because who knows how long it will take to get pregnant? Besides, I have been on so many different kinds of pills for a year now and it feels like they aren't working..maybe they are though! Once I stop, will it get worse?

I am also scared that I won't be a good mom with having to urinate every 30 minutes or so. But I guess that is something that I will have to learn to adapt to..it's just scarey because now that it seems like we are about to go forward with this, I am getting a little nervous! Sounds silly, eh?

Hopefully your hubby will come around soon - good luck and hope to hear from you soon!

Lainie <img src="graemlins/blink.gif" border="0" alt="[blink]" />

[traci adi]

I would like to address this situation here and let you know al little something about what happened to me, I used to have mild IC and I mean mild. I had one child way beffore I had IC and then I had a baby with IC but I was not diagnosed at that time, I did not know what I had but my pregnancy was a living nightmare and no doc would help me and would not give me anything. I was in a nightmare that whole time. I remember going to the ER and being sent away telling me that they could not take the risk to treat me. Then my IC progressed after pregnancy, it never went back to the way it was before and I was in hell going to any and every doc who would help me. Then I accidentaly and I mean accidentally found out I was pregnanct again and I was nursing still and got pregnant and I was devistated because I knew what lied ahead for me. My IC progressed again and now I am end stage IC and I take 17 different medications and I am on massive amounts of pain meds made for cancer patients and am on "compassion care". it is so hard to be so sick and have children to care for. they need so much that I can not provide for them. I can not keep up with daily chorse or anything. I am in so much pain and spasms that are non stop. I do not sleep very well either. My youngest is now 2 and a half years old and I can not even do the simple things. I feel my children suffer so much beccause I am so sick. My IC is progressive. My dreams of having many children are shattered and my dreams of going back to school to be a doctor are over and I am now having to fight for social security. I am 29 years old and I feel my life is nil. Also I fear that my children will get IC there are so many people now who are now finding out that it is hereditary. I would not wish this on anyone. My daughter sometimes tells me her tee tee hurts and I start freaking. I am not saying this to scare anyone at all I just want you to be prepared that this can happen and make sure you have a support system behind you. my IC progressed for life and seems to be getting worse and worse. That is somwthing people don't realise that it progresses for life. Also if you need to work and can't because of the IC make sure you have a back-up plan and lots of support. I hope you take my email as informative. and not telling you what to do or scare you. I wish someone would have told me so that I might not be wheere I am now. I know we are all different but my quality of life is nil now and my children and my husband suffer because of it. I can't believe I take 17 different meds and I am 29 years old. We have a disease and we have to take care of our bodies like we have a disease and sometimes diseases and pregnancy don't mix. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to have any more children and having alot of children has always been my life long dream. That is now gone forever. I had no help from my docs and my last pregnancy my daughter was in distress because I was in distress and she was born breech with the cord around her neck and they feel it is because I was in so much distress and pain and was so miserable. it is hard to have a baby sitting on top of a severely inflammed bladder and kicking it and laying on it. Please don't be mad at me for telling the truth. if this upsets you I am so sorry, I just want to make sure that you are prepared for the good and the bad.

Traci

[ICNDonna]

Many ICers do have babies; some go into remission during pregnancy; others have increased pain. To read about one successful pregnancy, go to http://www.ic-network.com/pregnancyjournal/

Lesa did an excellent job of describing her journey through pregnancy.

Donna

[traci adi]

Donna you are right and I appologise for not stating that also but I personally have not heard from anyone who has gotten better only those who have gotten worse. But I was only speaking from my experience and what happened to me and nothing more. But I agree some I have heard do get better but I for one have never heard of any.
Sorry if I sounded down, I was just being truthful with what happened to me.
Traci

[vm]

My IC didn't start until after our second child was born. We had already decided to stop at two, but I did ask my OB/GYN and my urologist about pregnancy with IC and life after pregnancy with IC. They both said it is individual - some women feel great during pregnancy some do not. And I understood that the same was true for how the IC is after the baby is born - some feel the same and some feel worse.

[lainie]

<img src="graemlins/kissing.gif" border="0" alt="[kissing]" /> Hi traci, I feel so bad for you! I am 31 and have had IC since Sept,2002..The thing that I worry about is not being able to care for the or do things with them BUT I am also nervous that if I go off my medicine, I will get worse.
We have to do fertility treatments and who knows how long that will take and then, the pregancy itself...it just blows my mind! You said you were at the end stages of IC..what exactly do you mean by that? I've only had it for a year now and my urologist says that I have a severe case of IC..none of the medication seems to be working....
Thanks and take care of yourself!
Lainie <img src="graemlins/angel.gif" border="0" alt="[angel]" />

[sharon429]

I have four babies - the first three right in a row. There ages are 5,6, and 7 now. I just recently had my fourth and she is 7 months old. Right now my IC is in semi-remission. I don't know if that is because I'm nursing or what. I just enjoy every day that I can while I'm feeling good. I pray that maybe somehow my IC has gone away or maybe gotten better. I don't think you should give up the dream of having babies. Maybe you should just let it go for awhile and let your husband settle down. I know it's hard to stop thinking about it but there's time. I didn't have my first baby until I was 32.
Traci, what you wrote really upset me. I know your venting and I feel really bad for you. I keep getting different opinions on whether IC is heredity (?). I heard it wasn't. I have three girls and my one is always complaining also about hurting 'down there'. I would go crazy thinking about if they got this disease. Also, I'm very confused as to whether IC is progressive or not. I thought it wasn't!!!! But I'm always reading on this site about everybody getting worse. I'm so scared. Right now I'm able to take care of all my children. To read what you wrote scared me so much to think of not being able to handle them. Maybe once I stop nursing my IC will come back.
Oh and by the way - every one of my pregnacy's was wonderful. It's the only time I feel really really great!!! I love being pregnant. So everyone is different. My IC wans't really bad at all when I was pregnant. It all has alot to do with my hormones.
Sharon

[KBee42]

Thanks guys. And I won't lie to you traci. Your story did scare me. It scares the everloving crap out of me. It sounds like you're having a horrible time and, no offense, but I don't want to be like you. I don't want to ruin my life by having kids. I don't want to destroy the small amount of normalcy my husband and I cling to now for the sake of birthing children.

My marriage is more important than any hypothetical children.

I don't know. All the good stories (and thanks, Donna, I read that IC pregnancy diary when I first got here) and all the bad stories are all anecdotal. There is no risk percentage. There is simply no information on how likely I am to get worse or better, no information on how likely I am to pass this on to my children.

No information.

So I'm left guessing, and worrying. And because my husband flat-out refuses to acknowledge anything but his own normal guy-fear of kids, I'm going through it alone. And I'm very angry at him for that. Very resentful and angry.

I know that life is a crapshoot, but really sometimes it's too frightening to step into the unknown.

Thanks everybody, for responding. It's helpful knowing that at least I'm not going through this by myself. And that I'm not the first woman to face these issues.

Uhg. I'm just sitting here weeping in frustration and rage. The very worst part about this disease, for me, is the not knowing.

[KBee42]

Oh, and traci, just so you know, your doctors were full of **** when they suggested that the cord was entangled because of your emotional state. That is a common problem with babies and moms and it has ZERO to do with how 'upset' the mom is at any point in time. Zero. I can't believe that there are doctors out there still perpatrating old wive's tales like that. You, as a person, are not responsible for the cord wrapping. That just happens.

Just a question (because I'm curious). Why didn't you get your tubes tied after #2?

[jaime15]

Hi KBee. I have a 8 month old son. My IC was under control (or as under control as possible) with Elmiron. When I became pregnant my IC went into remission. I had two UTI's the whole time. And usually when you're pregnant you're top priority as a patient. (I said usually.)
I developed pulmonary edema in the 7th month with cardio myopathy. He only weighed 3lb 15oz. 3 months later I had to have my gall bladder removed and a tubal. I've recovered from the heart condition with only one heart medication. And in July my IC symptons returned. And they are the same symptons. So I went back on the Elmiron and am waiting the 6 months or so for it to kick in.
Sometimes we don't know the outcome of a situation until it's over. But I don't think anyone would have or do anything if that were the case. So I took a chance w/IC and look on my profile for the outcome. Zane looks nothing like that now. He's fat and sooo cute. I would do it again in a "heartbeat".
So whether you yourself take a chance, it's up to you. I can't have any more because it would result in my passing away or a heart transplant. But you know some people would take their chance on dying and not even consider IC. After having gone through that, I think IC has been ok for me.
Whatever you decide we're here for support.
Tons of hugs,
Jaime


[img]wink.gif[/img]

[Jen_Cole]

KBee-I will adress that issue to my uro when I go in. You are right in the sense that you need to do what is best for you. I was in a HORRIBLE amount of pain from 27 weeks on-I was so upset because I had been looking forward to all of the feelings that come with pregnancy-but I'll tell you what-I didn't have them. All I had was pain. My husband and I argued about the fact that I probably did not want more children. I think that he thought I was being selfish. Now that it's all said and done, he said if we don't have any more, it's ok. He now realizes that it was unbearable and is putting my feelings and health first. It's a tough decision-I'm not sure that I want to go through it again. I'll email you when I go in next week.

[JOJO]

K-Bee
I can only tell you my situation. I was dx at the age of 35. One month after we got married. We were planning on starting a family right away,but I got sick instead.When I look back in retrospect there were a few times over the yrs, since I was 24 I had problems with frequency/ pelvic pain. Anyway, I had lived with my hubby for 8 yrs prior to our marriage. I wanted to have a child yrs ago. He said wait, wait till we are more financially secure etc... Well we waited and we are no more financially better than we were than except the only difference now is I am 38 and I am afraid of pregnancy. Like you I fear the unknown. Not to mention theactual delivery frightens me, cuz of my pelvic floor. The other thing is and I feel horrible saying this, but I resent my hubby at times, cuz I waited. Trust me that gets brought up in fights. I see a therapist, in fact she brought up the whole pregnancy thing up, and I started bawling. We have talked about it before. She said you never know what can happen. Shes right I could go into remission or I could get worst.But the thought of never having a child in my life makes me very sad [img]frown.gif[/img] I know there is always adoption, right, we dont have that kinda of money, or foster care, I realistically couldnt handle a special needs child, most of there are.I know a woman with IC that went into remission with her pregnancy. Everyone is different,and unfortunately only you can decide. And yes Tracies story frightened me also. But you are younger than me and that is a huge plus. Dont let your hubby talk you into anything or out of anything. It has to be your decision , its your body. I truly wish you the best. I know its a agonizing decision. I live with it every day, andI still dont know the right answer-Good Luck-JOJO

[KBee42]

Jojo,

I am so sorry for your loss and your fear. It must be a terrible thing.

My mother and I have talked it out a lot. She's very helpful about these things. A lot of my own nerosis and problems come screaming out when it comes to this issue. I'm and Uber-planner, which means that I like to be totally prepared for big events a long time in advance. I'm also neurotically impatient. If there is a problem I like to work through it NOW. I'm no good at waiting.

I think that the biggest problem I have with my husband right now is that I need reassurance that if we wait for two years and I decide that no, the risks aren't physically worth it for me, will he resent me for the rest of our lives? Can he be open to the idea of adoption and would he be against the cost and the difficulties?

He's a wonderful man, and as my mom pointed out, it probably doesn't even occur to him that he needs to reassure me because he's never given me any reason to believe that he would blame me for anything. And also he's got his own nerosis tied up in the whole idea of kids and can't see past what he needs to see what I need. And vice-versey.

Basically we're both needy right now.

I'm going to stop trying to be needy for a month or two... or at least until I talk to my uro/gyn about it on the 11th. Then my mom suggested that maybe I should tone down the intensity when discussing it.

I can be the kind of intense that you get in a good war film. Kinda scary. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Anyhow, it always feels better talking with mom.

I'm so sorry things are such a mess Jojo. What did the counsellor say about the decision to wait and how you feel about that? (if it's not too personal and painful) What does your husband say? Does he understand your fears?

[KBee42]

Better.

Yesterday DH and I got into a small knock-down-drag-out. We're both stressed with his dad being in town and overly sensitive about my illness at the moment. He's despirate to help, and I'm despirate to keep him from thinking that just because he randomly decides stuff will make me better that I have to do it.

So anyhow, fight ensues (funnily enough when I'm trying to apologize for being dismissive) and he blurts out "And another thing, when you brought up all that stuff at [my friend's] house the other day... the baby stuff... it kind of threw me for a loop. I didn't know that you were worried about that stuff and I didn't understand why..."

I totally busted in. My face must have been fucia I was so angry. I started almost yelling that I had TRIED to tell Mr. high-and-mighty about my concerns about pregnancy on my birthday, but all it had earned me was another half an hour lecture on "Why Husband is Not Ready Yet".

And I pointed out that if he's really so young that he can't discuss children like an adult... If he's REALLY so small that they have to be a taboo topic until he grows a bit, fine, but if HE won't talk to me about them then he'd better prepare for the fact that I'm talking to others about them, because I am, frankly, completely freaked out.

He felt Soooooooooo bad. He felt soooo bad. He was just kissing me all over right away and apologizing with every breath. All he kept saying was, "I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. I should have listened. I didn't know" while I sobbed my guts out.

Then I apologized to him. If I hadn't brought up babies so much before this then he wouldn't have just assumed that this was another "Wifey Wants Baby" talk. I set him up. Yes, he should have listened, but he had no way of knowing that this subject was babies, but in a different way.

Plus I didn't follow up and try to make him understand. I didn't interrupt him and tell him that he was on the wrong track entirely. I just sat there getting angrier and angrier.

And the very worst part of it is that I brought it up after we'd been up partying for my birthday until 5:00am. He was not in any way shape or form, able to deal with any of the stuff I wanted to talk about.

Most of the situation is my fault. His only crime was jumping to conclusions.

We agreed that when his dad leaves we will sit down and discuss this stuff. I'm printing out your stories (both the good and the bad) and we're going to discuss it then.

I don't know if he's going to deal well with the fact that I'm not sure I want to risk getting worse. I don't know if he's ready to deal with the fact that adopting a child may be the way we have to go... regardless of my fertility.

But it's nice to know that he's finally listening.