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As quickly as she came I lost her.

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  • As quickly as she came I lost her.

    I posted a month ago about being shockingly pregnant at 43 and that it had brought me out of a 2.5 year remission. I was conflicted as to what to do as I was hurting and scared to death of my outcomes pain wise during and after (plus i have other issues as well). Also concerned over all for pre term labor and problems for baby due to thyroid. I got lots of support either way. I had pretty much come to conclusion I wanted this baby (with the love of my life) only to lose her naturally last Tuesday. I am so angry and sad and feel my body has betrayed me yet again. My thyroid antibodies were very high (which happens with hashimotos during pregnancy) and raised my chance of miscarriage as does my age but because my chance at time of conception was one in a million (according to docs cuz of my low weight and no periods for a few months) plus the fact that she (I somehow know it was a she) was still in me at 9 weeks I thought it was some kind of miracle baby. In fact I said that to my partner the morning before I started bleeding. Now I'm left with wth was the point of this? To make me suffer more than I have already? I'm in a bad place. Any words of support would be greatly appreciated. Ironically bladder is calming down (though it was before I lost baby). Sigh. I am thankful every day for my almost 17 year old son that was born before all this crap. However he does not remember mom without health issues either. Feels like I must have been a bad person in a past life.

  • #2
    Re: As quickly as she came I lost her.

    Oh loraleena I am so very sorry for your loss. So very sorry. I've had several miscarriages, and I know that what you are feeling right now is what you are feeling. We can't know because our miscarriages are ours. I know there isn't much to say right now to make you feel better, so I just want to give you a hug instead. Please know that you are very much in my thoughts right now.
    My blog on IC, adoption, and academia: the garlic whisperer

    Diagnosed Jan 2013. Currently taking:

    200mg Elmiron morning and night
    25mg Elavil at night (no drowsiness or weight gain)
    culturelle in the morning
    SLIT drops for allergies (environmental) 3 drops/night under the tongue
    zyrtec 24 hour nightly (recommended by uro)
    Instillations 3x/week: Parson's Solution
    uribel and prelief as needed

    Also took Desert Harvest Aloe (3 in the morning and 3 at night) for a year and had great luck.
    No longer need them, so I only take them during flares.


    • #3
      Re: As quickly as she came I lost her.

      Oh, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I had a child at age 42 and I know how confusing/frightening that prospect can be. I also miscarried several times and I feel your emotional pain and disappointment. It's knee-jerk to offer words of wisdom like "it is probably for the wasn't a viable pregnancy" or "time heals all wounds". Somehow things like that can sound hollow when you're in the midst of it.

      I'm glad you have your partner, whom you obviously love very much. And it's a blessing that your bladder is calming down some. Try to focus on the good things in your life right you said, your son. As for deserving pain because you were a bad person in a past life? Are you kidding me? I think you know how foolish that sounds. God doesn't work like that (at least not my God). My take is that those of us who are suffering in our lives are given these challenges because we have hidden strengths. Who is to say? But please, don't hurt yourself further by these thoughts you're having. With the miscarriage you're most likely having some hormone upheaval. It'll pass.

      Hold on to what's important in your life. God bless!

      Experienced first symptoms in 2007
      Diagnosed with IC 6/13

      Diagnosed with PFD (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction) 8/13

      Medications: .5 mg. Ativan, occasionally for spasms

      Supplements: DH Aloe Vera capsules, 3 per day for maintenance and 6-12 per day during flares

      Following Strict IC Diet


      • #4
        Re: As quickly as she came I lost her.

        I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there isn't anything anyone can say that will take away your grief, but please know that there are many people here who care.

        Sending you a gentle cyber hug (I wish it could be in person).

        Stay safe

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        • #5
          Re: As quickly as she came I lost her.

          I'm really sorry for your loss! When you already have a child, it makes you realize even more what you are missing when you lose one. I have had 3 miscarriages. I have 2 children now and would like a third, but now that I'm older, I don't want to risk another miscarriage or birth defects. Having to come to terms that I shouldn't even try for another child is really hard. At the same time, I've worried about worsening my IC with another pregnancy and feeling so miserable that I couldn't be a great parent to my children. Hugs!