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Does anyone feel like they are ripping their kids off?

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  • skrix
    replied
    Caring Son & Husband

    I have to say that my family has been very supportive. I have had IC since 1998 and along with that, we have also had to care for elderly family members.

    I only missed one of my son's football games in 4 years of high school and that was due to the flu, I didn't say that I wasn't in pain, but I took my meds and yelled for him all the way through the game. I may be in bed the next day, but he understood.

    My son is now in college, but he has traveled with me to out of town clinics so that he could drive me home so that I wouldn't be alone when he would be in for breaks. When he is at home on a visit, if he knows that I am not feeling well, he will go out and rent movies and sit on the sofa with me and watch movies so that we can spend time together.

    Recently I was visiting my mother for her birthday and he came out for lunch because he goes to college in the same city where she lives and he said Mom you are hurting aren't you and I asked him why he would say that and he said because you are chewing on a tooth pick and you never do that and he knew that I didn't want the others to see my pain that day.

    Our children love us and accept us for who we are and I believe that they know that we do all that we can do for them and when we are down they know that we have to be down.

    I am also blessed to have a wonderful husband who has made numerous visits to doctors to become more educated about this disease and that has helped so much because he understand so much more about the disease now and helps me so much around the house.

    All that I can say is that while it is sad that we had to be on our heating pads and ice packs from time to time and sometimes too many times, make the most of every minute with your children and it will all come back to you and them. Do not let a day go by without letting them know how very much they are loved.

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  • Hanneke
    replied
    Thank you all for so much incouragement it really has made me look for the positive for example, My daughter won an award at school the other day (they go to a catholic school) called St Josephs award(Josephs was a very compassionate person with patients trust and love, after all his wife was the virgin Mary and he still took her as his wife and belived her word) My Aimee got this award I was so impressed. Yesterday my son came home from school and told me his friend and him had saved an injured birds life by taking it to the principle who took it to an animal shelter WOW:woohoo: So I'm not stuffing up all together hay!

    Loving your children listening and spending time.

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  • Trishann
    replied
    I have to say the same thing that Donna is saying, I have a wonderful, compassion, loving daughter, and none of my illness caused her to feel left out.

    Then I started to worry about my grandchildren, especially when I can't go places on a bad day or something. But then I would just color, paint, puzzles, or do something I can do. One day my 5 year old granddaughter did see grandma in pain and trying to walk. She wrapped her arms around me and said, "Grandma I will help you." I think worry is natural for us to do but most of the time the children will be fine.

    Sending hugs, Trishann

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  • verdicries
    replied
    omg YES i feel exactly the same way and it KILLS me. i feel like *I* got ripped off in life...and now my 6 month old will be ripped off my ME.

    i'm sure my husband feels ripped off as well sometimes...

    Leave a comment:


  • Berkshire Road
    replied
    YES! I posted about this a while ago, I think I called it "Wheel Out the Bad Mother Award." That was the day my daughter got hurt in the kitchen. I heard her crying and ran (well, it was a fast hobble) down the two flights of stairs to get there from my bedroom. She had slammed her head into a cabinet door, or something. So I was giving her tylenol and ice, and helping her up the flight of stairs to her room, and she apologized to me for making me get up to help her. I felt absolutely awful. She was only 11 at the time, and she felt guilty for getting hurt because it interrupted my rest time. I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.

    BUT -- all these other, more rational mothers on the boards responded, telling me my daughter is showing maturity and compassion. Just like they did for you. And I have to believe they're right, because other people often tell me how kind and helpful Susannah is -- she stands up for kids who are getting picked on, she opens doors when she sees people with wheelchairs or strollers struggling to navigate, she started working with the littlest kids on the summer swim team, helping them not to be afraid, when she was ten. She is the reason we adopted a puppy from a kill shelter and a dog who was taken out of an abusive home. She knows how to do laundry, make simple meals, and sort and bundle the recycling (we have mandatory recycling of seven items in our town, so this is no small job!).

    What I'm trying to say is, I think that everyone is right. Our kids do suffer, but that suffering makes them stronger, more compassionate, more self-confident people.

    And as we feel our way along this journey of illness and parenthood, we've come up with things she and I can do together, even in my bed. Sometimes she brings her homework up, and props herself next to me while she works. Sometimes she cuddles up to me and we invent word games. Recently she has been very interested in improving her French, so we work on that. Or if I'm really out of it, we can always watch a movie together.

    I'm very fortunate that my husband understands and tries to spend time with her, but he's the CTO of his company and he works a lot of hours. I'm also lucky that my parents live in the same town as we do (well, that was planning, really), and that they are nearly always willing to drive her to practices and friends' houses, or to keep her with them when things are bad with me. And my friends have come through, too. I'm friendly with most of the parents of her friends (it's a small town), and they're generally willing to have the playdates at their houses, or to do the driving both ways, if I ask them to. It took me some time to work up to asking, because I felt that I was imposing, but people have been so kind, and even offered to do more than I asked.

    So, anyway, that was way too long, but the main point is, I think you should trust in what Donna says. They will turn out fine. I do think it's important to communicate with our kids about our illness, at whatever level is appropriate for their ages. I know my Susannah feels much more in control, less worried, when she knows what the situation is (bad pain day, adjusting to new meds period, whatever).

    So I've put the Bad Mother Award away in the closet as I think we all should, and just keep doing our best. Just the fact that you are concerned about the effects on them, shows how much you care. They know you do. Love is the most important thing.

    Leave a comment:


  • mary124
    replied
    I felt like this too, my kids are 18 and 23 (both boys) and my oldest I never knew how he felt about me till the other day, when I was in his room cleaning it up (found a piece of paper with his feelings on it -made me cry!) but he really never did anything for me without complaining. My youngest always did and still does. I think as my husband says that one of these days it will make them into strong and helpful men.

    Leave a comment:


  • iclubbock
    replied
    I have the same problem. i think that is a big issue with women with this. my kids ususlly can tell how i feel when i walk threw the door. i do feel useless at times because i am either to tired or in to much pain to do anything. i get agravated because i cannot take them to their soccer practices or go out side and jump. That is why when i have a good day i tend to overdo it which is bad, but i don;t know how else to cope. good luck

    Leave a comment:


  • tigger_gal
    replied
    I feel that way a lot, My daughter is 18 now, and she actually knows by looking at me or how I talk if I am having a bad day. She helps me out a lot. Hubby is just now catching on.. it only took 9 yrars

    Leave a comment:


  • ICNDonna
    replied
    One thing I learned with my kids is that if I was having a bad day I would tell them I was having a bad day. I would also tell them sometimes that I was having a grouchy day or that I was feeling cranky. Their usual response to that was a hug! It's hard to feel cranky in the middle of a hug....

    Donna

    Leave a comment:


  • **Angie**
    replied
    I feel this way too sometimes but I try to make-up for my down time with great up time. When I'm down we lay in bed and talk/watch TV. I also let them have friends over--I just make it clear I can't drive. (son 15, daughter almost 12). When I'm up we go shopping, out to eat, they can have friends over and they don't have to clean their rooms first. I'm creating spoiled children but their good and loving and compassionate. What more can you ask for?
    The one thing I'd like to get a handle on is how short I am with them when I'm in pain. I have zero patients--if someone knows how to fix that I'd love to know?

    Leave a comment:


  • Julie B
    replied
    I have to mimic Donna's comments. I thought being sick was making me the crummiest mom on the planet.

    I learned to prioritize very quickly. I also had a lot of motivation to find ways to get better (and a lot of that is due to the wonderful support here on ICN).

    My kids are now 25, 22 (girls) and 20 (a son). They are all wonderfully compassionate. They know when I am not feeling good before I do many times. They are also the first ones to buy funny little gifts for me like the little silver toilet I have on my desk, and goofy "potty" talk greeting cards. Way too funny..............

    Leave a comment:


  • Hanneke
    replied
    Thank you for your replys it's nice to hear others go through the same and to hear about grown up children turning out to be caring people.

    I"m having a shocker today even started crying in the pharmacy an hour ago because my medication which I ordered a week ago didn't come in, so those of you who pray I would appreciate your pray.

    Leave a comment:


  • ICNDonna
    replied
    My kids are adults now and here's what it did to them....

    My oldest son is described by his wife as gentle, caring, and not afraid to help around the house, especially if she doesn't feel well.

    My younger son married a girl who has migraines. She says she doesn't know what she would do without his understanding and compassion. She lost her dear mother to cancer last November and I am very proud of the caring my son showed to her when she was ill.

    And my daughter, who is not married, is one of the kindest, caring persons I know.

    I also have four caring step-daughters.

    Maybe they'd all have grown up the same without my illness, but it certainly didn't effect them negatively in any way.

    Donna

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  • mirmir
    replied
    I know what you mean. I worry that my little boy will grow up thanking mommy was all ways sick like it is an excuse to get out of stuff.

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  • leelee88
    replied
    Oh I feel like this alot.. With my kids and my husband..I am just very thankful I have a understanding husband that always tries to do for the kids when I cannot..I hope everything will get better for you.. ((((((((hugs))))))))))))

    Leave a comment:

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