6yr olds new smart mouth!

[fortitude]

When I say smart mouth I dont mean that she has learned SO much in school that I am ready to put her in the genius program. What I mean is that 2 weeks ago she decided that it is okay to cut me off when I am talking, to tell me she hates and she will never stop hating me, she is never going to talk to me again, she sticks her tongue out at me, rolls her eyes at me and mocks me while I am talking. I could go on and on but I'm thinking most of you moms have probably heard'em all or said'em when you were a kid, I know I did. Now if I ask her why she just stuck her tongue out at me she says (in a pathetic voice or screams at me)"I didnt know I did it". (You would think she could come up with a better one than that, I guess it just takes time). I am not kidding when I say this just started happening. Sure she has misbehaved here and there. I am not saying she was a perfect child, but it was mostly fighting with her 4yr old brother. Coincidentaly this started happening around the same time I started having to take stronger pain meds and I started doing less in order to take care of myself. I am wondering if she is resentful? My husband and I have always been careful to do what we call "special date nights". Special date night is trading off kids and going on a date with one of our kids for half a day doing whatever we want. We do this once a month ALWAYS, until now. We missed the last 2 months. I tried explaining the reason to my daughter in not so serious terms and she seemed to understand but I'm thinking she really doesn't. I guess I know what needs to be done to fix this problem as far as talking to my daughter about her feelings but I also think she needs to be punished for some of the behavior. I dont believe in spanking. Has anyone gone through this with their kids and do you have any tips on how to handle it? Love and Prayers, Fortitude.....

[KarenNielsen]

I have a 6 year old too (actually 5 and 11/12th's) and don't spank either. Your daughter has survived until now without spanking, and I am betting she does not run into traffic, ride in the car without her seatbelt, steal candy from the grocery store, or tell bald - faced lies...So really you do know how to let her know something is absolutely wrong and not acceptable. I honestly think THIS behavior has got so far because you yourself are ambivalent about it and feeling guilty - you list all these reasons WHY you think she might have a right to resent you at the moment. You are analyzing the source of the behavior instead of just putting it in check, like you would if she did any of the other stuff I listed above. In our household we view disrespect to any human being, but particularly a parent, as a moral wrong - it is against God's commandment ('Honor your father and your mother') and violates the basic rights that others, including moms, have to be respected. I think if you look at it this way, as a moral wrong no matter what the 'source' of the behavior, you will get it to stop pretty quick. Observing all the obnoxious kids at my son's bus stop (all the same ones whose parents did not bother to show up and help supervise, go figure), I would say your own change in routine probably has little to do with her behavior, she is probably just seeing how the most undisciplined kids behave in school and is trying it out to see how you will respond. You KNOW how to respond. When she was 2 and ran into the street, you grabbed her, got down at eye level, and scolded using absolute terms: "We NEVER run into the street. We ALWAYS hold Mama's hand". You did this every time she ran in the street. If she is disrespectful to you, you need to grab her shoulders, get down to eye level, and let her know, "You NEVER talk to mom like that. You ALWAYS respect your parents". Now that she has got away with it awhile, the behavior will be harder to stop than if she never were alowed to get started - After a warning about your expectations, you will probably have to punish with natural consequences, emphasizing your rights as a person: When at home: "I don't want you near me when you act like this. Go to your room and come out when you are willing to treat me with respect". At her friend's house: "I am not going to sit here while you treat me rudely in public. We are going home". At the store: "You cannot treat others like this and expect them to do something for you. I am putting back the treats you asked me to buy". Also of course emphasize that she is good: If you can figure out from whom she is learning such behavior, explain that maybe that child was not taught manners, but SHE is a GOOD girl who is being well brought up, so for HER this is not acceptable. Praise her when possible so that learning how to treat you well does not become a negative experience for her. Also, as I said before she might be exposed to a lot of negative peers at school who are making this worse - we try to counteract this for our son by making sure the other environments he is in emphasize values and respect for adults strongly - he gets this every week both at Sunday School and Karate class. I am still considering putting him in Christian School next year though - If you do not already volunteer in her class, go a few times to see what she is being exposed to. In our area, it is really very bad.
Wow, this is waaaaaay too long! sorry! I hope it helped!

[ICNDonna]

My children are grown now, but when they were little kids I found the simplest and most effective way to handle the "I hate you" outbursts was to be very calm about it and simply say something like "In our house we don't talk like that." When my kids stuck out their tongues, I just said "Tongues belong in your mouth."

I think it's important to keep from showing anger or frustration --- just stating simply that what they are doing is not acceptable behavior usually works best.

I doubt very much if your IC has anything to do with this. It's behavior that is not at all unusual for a child that age. Sometimes I think they are testing parents to see if they are immune to insanity ( )

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Michelle in KC]

Ok, so here's my 2 cents worth.....

I have an 11 year old daughter and a 5 11/12 son. Neither of them has EVER said they hate me nor their Daddy. They wouldn't dare. We are extremely strict. We tell them what we expect, and normally get just that, if not more. Justin might stick out his tongue at us in fun, but never as a mean jesture. (look at my yahoo photo's under mvossmer and look at my Justin's tongue picture) Emilee will pout, but not scream and throw a fit. She'll cry if she is upset at you or mad at you. My children are great. I am finding out this is not the norm though. I work with a woman whose children manipulate her so badly I feel sorry for her. I have worked wtih women who just don't care what their children are doing. They can go days without seeing them. I know it's hard with IC, and children, and maybe you work. I don't know. Take soem time and do a craft project with your daughter. It can keep you at home and near the potty. Teach her to crochet. Have her make a scarf for someone for Christmas. Emilee loves to sew now. She and I are quilting and working on a few projects together. Justin and I paint on occasion. I am running out of things to paint!! He and I made a star garland for my tree that was red white and blue painted stars on hemp twine. It's beautiful and he is proud of the fact that he helped to make it. The point is... Just spend time with the kids. Read to them. Play Barbies. And reinforce to your daughter that she is displaying behaivior that you do not appreciate. You don't have to spank, although we do when necessary. It's your choice. But please just reinforce to your daughter how much it hurts you and hurts God when she talks to you and acts that way. Good Luck!! I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.
Michelle grouphug

[tigger_gal]

Oh My grouphug grouphug
my daughter is 15 and never told me she hated me either, but things are different now and school play grounds are not nice..
sending you hugs and hoping things get better
Brat

[fortitude]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your wonderful responses and advice. I know everyone has different ideas when it comes to parenting and to just simply hear that others have had or having the same problem makes a big difference for me. I have always been very careful to spend quality time with my kids. Its not enough to be a stay at home mom. I could wind up cleaning all day and cooking. All of a sudden I realize I havent spent any time with my kids. This can happen whether your at home or working outside the home. I felt guilt because although we still spend quality time together we have had to adjust what we do in that time. For instance we used to take walks to the park or for an ice cream. I would turn on music and we would dance. Like I had said before we had missed a coulple of our date nights. My husband and I have one planned this month and we still do "special night" thats what my daugter calls it, which is a movie, cookies and hot chocolate with all the works! I have gone through a difficult period with pain and now we have to do things like board games, crafts on the floor and anything that requires less physical activity. After reading your replys I feel much better. I have also felt better over all emotionally. I am starting to see that her just being in school all day makes a BIG difference, not for the better. I am learning to make sure that I once again do things for myself. I colored my hair for the first time. I am a brunette and I went red. Not red enough though I am going back for more. Has anyone ever colored there hair at home? Do you have a suggestion for a good permanant one? I would like to save the extra $20 if its not that hard to do at home. Thanks again everyone. Love and Prayers, Fortitude.....

[ICNDonna]

At our house, when the children were growing up, Friday evening was always a weiner roast. In good weather, and sometimes not so good, it was held outdoors; in winter, in the fireplace. Dinner on the living room floor on paper plates usually consisted of hot dogs, chips, sodas (a once-a-week treat for the kids) and s'mores.

They are all grown up now, but lots of times when I invite the crew out for dinner the first question I hear is whether it can be a weiner roast.

Donna