An embarrasing question

[waterflow]

Maybe no one will respond to this question which is fine but I was wondering how many of you were virgins when you had to have something done "down there"? Including a pap test and all. This is one of the things I am having a hard time dealing with because of what some people have said to me. Thought maybe if I knew there were others out there like me I could get to handling it better. I cry a lot over it and feel like I have lost something I can't get back. Crazy huh?

[petrie86]

Waterflow,
I was a virgin when I had to have all that stuff down there. I was very nervous and uncomfortable... Especially when I'm freeking out in my head and my dr was talking to me and asking me questions while doing all that stuff!!! It was very odd. I dont think I felt like something was taken away from me however... you mean your virginity?? I was scared as hell but walking out of there I was more relieved that everything looked normal down there. I was more concerned that my you know what looked like everyone elses... haha that I didnt have an unusual looking vagina, lol. (by the way it's fine haha) so that's my story.

[leelee88]

Hey Girl,

Even though I am not a virgin, Whenever I have to be examined down there and I dont know the doctor very well. I feel kind of violated. I know they are just doing thier jobs and prob have seen many others, its still embarrassing..

My mother told me even after she had kids, when the dr would examine her down there, she would cover her head up with a the sheet..So if you are feeling this way. Virgin or not.. I think its perfectly normal...

[waterflow]

Racheal, yes I was told by many that I lost my virginity by having done what I had done. That no guy will believe me that I haven't been out having sex with all the guys. I had plans where I would get married, be a virgin on my wedding night and then go to the gyno thinking I was pregnant. That is stupid I know but now for me that has all been taken away. I was scared too not knowing what they would think of things down there. Had a hard time laying in that position too. Kept closing my legs which makes it very hard for the doc down there. ha I've read since that everyone looks different down there. ha Glad everything turned out good for you and nothing was wrong. Thanks for sharing that with me. Does help me some knowing and maybe I can start thinking of myself as still worthy.

[waterflow]

Ronda, I do get to feeling violated. Like I did something wrong too. I thought once you had sex and babies having something done down there was no problem. Wish my mom would have had the sex talk with me. Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up in my head. Thanks Rhonda for sharing with me.

[Nancypt]

HI,
I am a very old virgin (not many of me around anymore). Yes, I am waiting for marriage if you can believe it. I may die an old virgin. ha, ha.It is hard for me to go through paps and bladder instillations but feel it is worth it to stay healthy. I was scared to death about doing the bladder instillations especially since my gyn told me my urethra was tight and it might me painful. She never should have told me that! I have had several treatments and it is not as bad as I thought it would be.
Hope this helps,
Nancy

[petrie86]

"Rachel, yes I was told by many that I lost my virginity by having done what I had done. That no guy will believe me that I haven't been out having sex with all the guys."
First of all guys dont know what they are talking about!!! If you didnt have intercourse then you are still a virgin... why would they say something so stupid? It doesnt matter what guys think because all that matters is the truth! I believe you and commend you for still being a virgin. I'm not and believe me if I could take back the 1st time I had sex I would! It wasnt with someone special like I had imagined. I was stupid and not thinking. I have alot of respect for you for waiting. Most guys will too, and if they dont then they dont deserve you! Men are dumb... dont listen to them.
If you even need to talk to someone about sex (since you mom didn't) feel free to pm me. I'm comfortable with talking to someone and not afraid to answer any questions. Dont be embarresed! Or if you want to just vent or talk I'm here to listen!!

[ihurttoo]

Mary,

I was also an older virgin. I stayed a virgin until I got married, when I was 27. I definately felt embarrassed having anything done "down there". As for the pain, I thought at the time that the procedures were so painful because I was a virgin. After that, people said they were still painful because I hadn't had a child and that after I had a baby, it wouldnt hurt anymore. WRONG!! I later found out I had Vulvlar Vestibulitits and that is why it was so painful for me. (I had a vulvar vestibulectomy and now it doesnt hurt.)

As for people thinking you are weird or whatever, I had a few problems with that, or with guys not believing me, but I can tell you this, after they dated me for months and months and I still wouldnt sleep with them, they finally believed me! LOL! But, for the most part, I didnt advertise it. It wasnt because I was ashamed of it or anything, (in fact, I was quite proud of having held out for so long), but it was because I felt it was too personal of a thing to discuss casually with someone. So, I pretty much told people on a "need to know basis". Even when I was dating someone, I didn't tell them until we had been going out several times. Usually, after several dates, they would start pressuring me, and that is when we would have "the talk". I dated alot, but very few would bolt at that point. (Maybe 4 or 5 out of 70 or so guys.) The way I see it, good riddance to them!! At least I weeded out the ones who were only interested in one thing.

I think that you should hold your head high and be proud of who you are. It is one part of you, but certainly not all of you.

Regarding the Gyn appts, I never felt like something was taken from me, but then, no one ever told me that, like they did you. But, just because they told you that, doesnt make it the truth. You are a virgin until you choose to have sex for the first time. There is nothing in a medical procedure that takes away virginity. The only way to lose virginity is to choose to have sex with someone and follow thru.

Like Petrie, I will be glad to answer ANYTHING at all you ever wondered about it thru PM. There is nothing that is too embarrassing for you to ask. I know I wondered the same things before I had sex for the first time. I think every woman does.

I hope you feel better about things.

Hugs,
Amy

[waterflow]

petrie86, it was family that told me I wasn't a virgin anymore for doing what I had. I was taught that if you didn't have sex nothing could go wrong so I never went to a doctor before teh IC happened.
With my first gyno visit I was lying there and he walked in. (doc) Said who he was and then opened my legs. I closed them back since he was nowhere near ready and he said no, I had to keep them opened and opened them back up again. Went through this 4 times and he finally gave up. I know I made him mad but I couldn't see letting everything showing down there longer then need be. Was I wrong? Is there a reason for having to have the legs opened way before the doc is ready? Sorry for being so graphic about this. Each time I have gone to my Uro to have the heparin done I leave my legs closed and he is fine with that and it has been many years and no complaining from him. When it is time he gives me the word. ha Kind of dread that word but oh well.
I'm 42 years old and I guess a dinoasour for being a virgin. I don't go around telling people either but family members know and the one is a sister. She did this I think so I would ahve a hard time going to doctors for help. She told me to live with whateer was wrong. (before I knew it was IC) So, I guess I need to find a way to think differently.

Amy, I heard about the "after baby" think too and this sounds awful but no other way to say it...that after having a baby the place of "enter" gets bigger and that is one way a person can tell if you have had sex too. Each time an entry has been made the opening gets bigger. That is one thing I worry about too. Each time I have an examine or pap test the opening will get bigger. Sorry for such stupid questions. I had a hard time having the heparin done too but I got it set in my head it has nothing to do with the "sex area". Just have to get past him seeing there. Even after having him doing it for I think 5 years now it still is hard.

Thanks for help. At least I don't feel like a freak anymore.

[waterflow]

Wanted to say too I don't think I am better then anyone else too who isn't a virgin. I say it should be the persons choice when they do it.

[petrie86]

No you are not wrong for closing you legs... I do the same thing. My dr says "scootch down hunnie and put your legs up" If i were a dog my tail would go between my legs haha. It's a wierd feeling I know. I dont think any women likes getting checked up.
Your family is wrong for telling you that you arent a virgin because you had a pap test. My mom also asked after she got the bill why they did all these tests if I wasnt sexually active. It's good that you get checked regularly not because your sexually active but to check for disesase or cancer and things like that. Im not a dr but I know that every women is supposed to get tests done at age 18 whether they are active or not! And go every year for a check up. Just because you had tests done doesnt mean your not a virgin. That's obserd! I dont mean to offend your family but come on! That's ridiculous especially that they told you.
As for having tests making the hole bigger now there. That's not true. Remember there are not stupid questions, dont say that. For us with Ic we dont have to live with his disease. We hope and pray that dr's cure us!! SOON!! LOL

[meme]

To me, Its really no big deal either way. Keeping or losing your virginity is your personal choice and you shouldn't let anyone make you feel badly about it either way. I was raised to save it for marriage and all that, and to be embarrassed about it, my parents are pretty modest, but once I got older and more experienced I realized that most people are pretty open about their experiences, or lack there of, and its really no big deal. As for paps not making you a virgin, that's hogwash!! There's only one way to make that happen and it usually has nothing to do with a doc-lol! Also, guys can't tell one way or another for the most part. When I lost my virginity the guy had NO idea it was my first time,(they all told me about all that gory stuff that's supposed to happen then, and none of it did) and any guy I've been with since couldn't tell how many men I'd slept with without me telling them. As for the paps "stretching" things, I've had lots of paps, and I've been "doing it" for a long time, and believe me, it snaps right back-(sorry couldn't think of any other way to put it). Anywhos, please don't worry yourself about it too much. When you find that person you want to share it with, he should care about YOU enough that it doesn't matter.

[meme]

Also, I see a female doc, which really helps. I would be nery if I had to see a male doc too!

[SandyRN]

I'm sending you a pm. I want to HURT your family!

[ihurttoo]

Amy, I heard about the "after baby" think too and this sounds awful but no other way to say it...that after having a baby the place of "enter" gets bigger and that is one way a person can tell if you have had sex too. Each time an entry has been made the opening gets bigger. That is one thing I worry about too. Each time I have an examine or pap test the opening will get bigger. Sorry for such stupid questions. I had a hard time having the heparin done too but I got it set in my head it has nothing to do with the "sex area". Just have to get past him seeing there. Even after having him doing it for I think 5 years now it still is hard.

Thanks for help. At least I don't feel like a freak anymore.

Mary,

The others are right. It really is necessary to have a pap every year starting at age 18, or sooner if the woman is sexually active. If a woman is a virgin, they still need to be checked for cancer, vulvadynia, undiagnosed yeast infections, vuvlar vestibulitis, uterine prolapse, just to name a few. But, they check for many, many other things.

Also, some women have very painful menstral cycles and Gynos can prescribe things to help with that. Lots of women take birth control pills even though they arent sexually active, to help with their periods and/or hormones. However, Gynos will only R/X them if someone has had a pap smear to check for cancer etc. This is partially because some cancers feed off of hormones. Therefore, they dont want to prescribe certain hormones to someone with cancer.

Regarding the legs in the stirups, I never put mine in until I get the word either. I always find it very awkward too, even now. Although, I can say that after having to go to his office to get rescue instills for so long, (3 times a week for YEARS!!), I am much more comfortable than I used to be. (My Gyno treats my IC, though I now do the instills at home.) I figure at this point, he has seen it much more than my husband has! LOL!

As for it getting bigger each time, that part is definately not true. I must confess that though I never thought it would get bigger each time, before I ever had sex, I definately remember thinking that it would get bigger after the first time, and that would be why it would hurt less to have sex after the first time. (Obviously, our Mother's didnt do a good job of explaining things, or we were just too embarrassed to ask!!) In reality, it is very stretchy down there.

Think about it like this...you have used tampons. You are no less a virgin from having a pap smear than you would be from using a tampon. Prior to my hyster when I occasionally had to use one, (like if I was caught off guard and had to use one if nothing else was available), tampons always were very uncomfortable for me. You would think that pain would have gone away after the first time I used one, but it didnt. (This is probobly b/c of the Vulvar Vestibulitis.) That is because, it bounced right back into place. (Again, sorry to be so graphic, but I dont know how else to explain it.)

I remember being terrified before I had sex the first time. But, you are very lucky that when you are ready, we will be here for you to help you with some tricks to keep it from hurting as much. For example, you could get Lidocaine from your Dr. to numb things up prior to sex. You could even put it on a tampon, (with the plastic applicator still on) and apply it inside the vagina. Doing this about 15 min before will give it time to work. If I had known about Lidocaine when I was younger, I wouldnt have worried about the pain part as much. But, since tampons hurt so bad, and I was controlling the insertion speed, I was REALLY scared of the pain of sex, since I wouldnt be in control. (I also didnt know back then that I COULD be in control of the insertion with sex or the speed, and whether or not deep thrusting took place!) ....Again, my Mom eliminated some pretty important basic information. And, of course the internet wasnt around back then either.

I waited so long to have sex because I wanted it to only be with someone I loved that I knew I would be with forever. I wanted that person to be my husband. It was also partially for religeous reasons, though not entirely. Like you, I never judged anyone who was sexually active. They had their reasons, and I had mine. We all have the right to choose.

I think it is wonderful that you are waiting for the right person. Dont ever let anyone make you feel bad about holding true to your own values. I didnt judge other people for whatever choices they made, but I expected the same respect in return.

As for your sister, I would ignore her. You might be surprised by her motives for constantly putting you down. She sounds like she is desparately unhappy with her own life and is jealous of you and the fact that you still all have all your options open, where she is bound to the life and choices she made long ago.

On a different subject, (I think this was discussed in another thread), I DO think the interent dating sites might be a good place for you to stick your toe in the dating water. You dont have to tell anyone. You can be totally anonymous. But, I think it would do wonders for your self esteem. It would also help you sharpen up your flirting skills and help you feel more comfortable talking to men in general. There are several great sites that are totally free. You could check them out and if you dont like them, you are not obligated in any way at all to post or anything. But, I really do think it would be good for you!! I know 4 different couples that met this way. Plus, my Mom was on one for a while and met lots of interesting men this way. She is with someone now that she met on a blind date, but befor she met him, she dated all the time, and most of them were from an internet site. (She always met in a public place and brought a friend for saftey.) Also, lots of times, the singles from the nearby cities on the site, would meet for Dinner at different restraunts for mixers so they could meet in person. I thought it was great for her!

Gosh! I am talking alot today!!! LOL! It must be the med change. I dont know what is wrong with me talking too much! Anyway, sorry I have run on and on!

Anyway, I hope this makes you feel better.

Many hugs,
Amy