I totally hate getting stuck here

[MakinIT ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close MakinIT]

I Can't take life like this anymore...my children have no respect for me. Yes, my older daughter is loving but she just completely went ballistic last night because I didn't buy the correct shampoo. Apparently, only one kind keeps her hair from falling out She came out of the shower and I went back to ask her if there was another way she could have asked me to buy the other type of shampoo and she denied being angry or rude...WHATEVER...I've also been putting up with my eleven year old just treating me like a servant no matter how I feel. I can be curled in pain and crying and she'll storm into my room and demand that I find something she lost (but she thinks I did) I had a hellecious weekend with her because I had to get her room ready, as well aas the rest of thehouse, for the carpet cleaners today.( the cats had urinated in her room and I was not putting up with that smell for more than the weekend. she didn't care....she would rather have slept and had friends in that stinky room than organize and clean it. Her friends were grossed out) My husband doesn't see much of this because he is overwhelmed with trying to get stuff from work done ...But he has seen a bit this weekend and really stomped her , which surprised her. The final straw for me last night was she came out her room looking for her "script" (a small play she's doing for her class) her room has been stripped down and that was loose papers so I carefully clipped them together and put them in a box with her "valubles". She yelled "GREAT MOM, Just GREAT...MESS UP MY STUFF AND LEAVE STUFF TO GET WRINKLED and lost" at that point I just lost it and said " I cant even be in the same room with anyone in my family without being blamed for something, I am SICK of this ****!!!" I stomped to my room, slammed the door...my husband did come back a few minutes later (that was a first) and ask what happened and I told him it was too complicated to get into in the 3 minutes he was going to give me (I could tell as he was pacing in front of the door) so he left. Later, he came to bed and woke me up. I told him it wasn't his fault, necessarily. I was tired of fighting the kids, me getting no respect, looking like an idiot in front of my parents (oh, my daughter was playing the interupt mom and correct everything she says game in front of my parents Friday....This child does not respond to grounding, losing privilideges....nothing), no help with housework, no compassion with pain, utter loneliness, (I was honest, I said we never touched much less had sex) and my life is going nowhere. I need support, I need help, and no one will help. My counselor wants to do a marital counseling session which I think he would agree too....He did hold me for a while last night while a bawled myself to sleep.

Gotta go, it's drug day....(doctor day) I'm so tired. Is that normal for you guys...I just want to sleep all the time.


Traceh

[tigger_gal ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close tigger_gal]

((((((((((((((((((Traceh))))))))))))))))))))
I think we all (that have kids) go thru this.. I have been complaing to my best friend and she told mt to stack the dishes in her bed.. hmm.. might go there.. another thing you can try is locking her door and not allowing her to go in there until bed time. I wish I had better answers for you, but, please know we are here for you.

[leelee88 Support Volunteer Find all posts View Profile Close leelee88]

Makin...

Thought I would start out with a hug...I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time..
But I completely understand about the kids, I have 2 boys 13 and 16 and 2 step kids 10 and 12..

I can be crying my eyes out and my oldest son will say things like, If you would get out and work you would not feel so bad..They really dont understand how bad we are hurting.. We are the mothers, so they think we should be strong and sometimes thats just not the case.. Kids dont understand what we are dealing with so the react in ways that can hurt our feelings.. I think they just feel helpless, and probably feel like they have been short changed having a mother that is sick all the time..

Maybe if you sat both of them down with your husband and had a heart to heart talk with them and explain things,
Ask them just what do they expect out of you and you tell them what you expect out of them, lay it all out for them..

As long as they know you have lost contol, kids will use that to thier advantage.. You have to take control back and let them know even though you are sick you are still the boss and what you say goes..My kids try me all the time and even though they say and do some hurtful things, I try not to let them see it bothers me, because if they see that then they know I have lost control...

I really hope things work out for you...Dont give up and dont give in...

If you need to talk let me know, I am here for you...

Ronda

[SharonA ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close SharonA]

Kids...don't you just love 'em. Can't live with them...can't kill them.

I did not have a girl, but I remember what I was like when I was the age your girls are right now. Nobody could do anything right. Everything was wrong and everyone was against me. I was a slave to my hormones. Hormones...can't live with them, can't live without them.

I had one son. His room was always in a mess and he didn't care. This caused us to argue constantly. I got so sick of seeing it like that whenever I had to go in to put clean clothes away or change his sheets, etc. One day, I told him that his room was his and I was never going in there, again and that he was to keep his door shut. If he wanted his bed changed, he had to do it. He had to put his clean laundry away (he wore clean clothes every day...could not stand to wear the same thing twice) and I was not going to allow him to let it just set on the kitchen table where I put it. He could not eat in his bedroom because I was not going to allow him to take food in there so the dirty dishes and crumbs could draw bugs. Nor was he allowed to drink anything in there for the same reason. I also told him that he was to pick up after himself in the rest of the house because that was my house, not his. This worked...no more arguing, fussing, or bad feelings. Peace reigned.

[SandyRN ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close SandyRN]

My children have gone through phases where they acted out because I was sick and in pain. It's been the hardest on my youngest as he was only 6 when all of this mess started for me. He would demand things of me too, talk back, throw tantrums, etc. I finally realized that he was doing these things because he was afraid, all 3 of my kids were afraid for me. They'd seen me in the hospital I don't know how many times, hooked up to all the IV's, etc. They'd watched me cry on the couch and watched as our active lives together turned into mommy on the couch all the time.

It's really, really hard on them to see someone they love as much as you be in pain. They really don't know how to deal with it, and the way they show their frustration is by acting ugly to you. I know that it's the WRONG way to show it, you'd think that a simple hug would work a lot better than having your daughter scream at you. But, they don't know how to do it.

I bet if you turned that counseling session into family therapy you may get somewhere. I'm not there, so I'm only going on what I've been through, but my illnesses have turned my kids into compassionate, loving kids who care about others, and now they offer to help me out by cleaning or vacuuming, etc.

Also, there is that AWFUL thing called a teenager, and it's inevitable that your daughter is going to get snippy and snotty with you, especially when she knows it will bother you the most, like in front of your parents.

I am really sorry you're going through this, but there is a way to turn it around. Get help for them all individually, and as a family. That way they have someone else to talk to thats not Mom or Dad, and maybe they will be able to learn some other coping skills to deal with your illnesses.....and they will learn how to give you the respect and love you deserve!!

Hugs, Sandy

[Moonheart ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Moonheart]

I cried all the way into town today because it just feels like the relationship I had with my kids is gone.

HUGS from me.....

[Berkshire Road ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Berkshire Road]

I'm chiming in with the suggestion that you all need family counseling. It pretty much sounds like things have gotten past the point where you can get it back under control without some outside help.

Sandy makes an excellent point -- your kids may very well find the whole situation (your illness) frightening. I think it's important to make sure the children in your family understand your condition as much as they can, given their respective age levels. It de-mystifies things for them and may very well make them more compassionate towards you.

I'm so sorry things have gotten this bad, but please, life is ALWAYS worth living. I hate that my relationship with my daughter has changed, too, but she and I have spent a lot of time talking about it, and finding new things that we can share, new ways of being together (she is not quite 12). But my husband and I have had a harder time with all these changes to our relationship, so we needed, and got, counseling.

Please know that we are all here for you and we understand how you're feeling (physically and emotionally). This is a big, messy situation you've got going on, and it will probably have to be resolved in small steps. Keep us posted on how things progress!

[MakinIT ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close MakinIT]

Didn't want to make you feel bad Moonheart...and I know about teen stuff. She's been like this her life, but she has also lived most of her life with me like this. She was in first grade when I became ill and now she is in fifth. And Tigger Gal...it's Tracey not Trace(h) (I was really punch drunk) we've talked before. I do try to get to my room. She follows and I can't escape quick enough.
I was taking a nap this afternoon, she woke me by storming into my room, grabbing my ankles and yelling that the carpet cleaners lost something of hers. (I was on 10 mgs of Oxycodone because of the pain) I reached up and grabbed her shirt front and pulled her back with me asI lay back down (we were face to face, she was squirming...one advantage to a preemie child, she still hasn't gotten very big even though she has a big mouth. ) I said "Leave ME ALONE...YOU ARE a BRAT and until you can speak to me with respect I am not listening" She shook it off and sorta backed out of the room and I said "Shut the light out".

It's really gonna be a rough couple of days. My emotions are very out of whack right now.My husband better be the man I think he is and not the man he has been the past few years. I know he loves me but his daughters are his world and he woould seemingly rather see me hurt than the girls. (it's not true, but it is what happens) He honestly wraps himself in a blanket of oblivion and hasn't a clue as to his surroundings or what is happening to his wife.

I'm so tired.

Bone tired, eye tired, head tired......

[MakinIT ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close MakinIT]

I didn't see your post , Frenchie (sorry...it's so hard to spell in English after my night meds, it's all in affection) Um...the other dynamic is my father in law. My daughter would have been happy, I think, If we hadn't been dealing with his bull****. As it is, she thinks it is her...powerless, versus me and her crabby grandfather. The kids understand, physically, what the disease means to me. They've both witnessed me cathing myself (that is fun to explain "HOW DO YOU FIND THE HOLE... i didn't even know there was a seperate hole....holey smokes..L.O.L. I crack myself up) The little one actually did show some signs of horror at the shot I had to give myself when I got migraines.

Take care...I'll keep intouch...I have an appt with my sick chiro tomorrow. Hopefully, he can fix my hip and neck. He sounds good and hopeful...been through 3 rounds of chemo and radiation. Man, why do such terrible things happen to such good people? It 's just unbelievable that he is at level 4 and stll working and I can't. It just makes me feel so much more useless.

[ICNDonna ICN Staff Find all posts View Profile Close ICNDonna]

I urge you to seek some family counseling. It sounds like you need help in dealing with your children. Mine are all adults now, but I definitely remember the tough stages they went through. A qualified professional will help you to learn how to respond to them in a fashion that leaves absolutely no question that you are the adult and in charge.

Please don't wait to do this. It could even get worse.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Moonheart ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Moonheart]

You didn't make me feel bad hon. Just sharing that you aren't alone and we all are having problems. So we can relate and hopefully all can help each other.

I was just having a lonely moment and realized the difference between when those little hand use to reach to me to help, you know? "Up mommy!" When they needed us and it was recognizable. We were their world.... Now they fight so hard to be independant. I also was having memories of my estrangement from my father and realizing that no matter what, I don't want it to ever get to that point with my children.

Hope you are doing better tonight. I think some serious consequences need to be had for a daughter being that disrespectful to her mother. I'm afraid someone might get hurst someday.

[MsB Registered User Find all posts View Profile Close MsB]

stuck

Hugs for u, makinit

I think we all have had more than our share of those days, but just remember that our dear darling kids will have kids of there own.:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: .My kids are grown now and just love it.

Belinda

[Berkshire Road ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Berkshire Road]

I don't think anyone's ever called me Frenchie before! That was me you were referring to, n'est-ce pas? I got a kick out of it, don't worry about offending me , it's very hard to do. So you can keep on calling me Frenchie if you want. But I do sign my name on the end of my posts, and Carolyn is equally good (as long as you pronounce it Carrr-oh-LEEN ).

Honey, you all need some family counseling. Please try to get some help. For their sakes' as well as yours, because they need to understand how to control themselves.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this unpleasantness. Stress only makes IC worse, as we all know, so this is just what you don't need.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping things work out for you and your family.

[MakinIT ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close MakinIT]

OUI'!! HA..yes..we need family counseling, but I need to visit with my husband first..My child has received a compressed course in "kick ass momma" makes me sad but I am so just exhausted.

I saw my friend with Bladder cancer today. He's in good spirits. He is actually urinating better as the radiation/chriro goes..we shall see what happens.

Tracey

[ICNDonna ICN Staff Find all posts View Profile Close ICNDonna]

Tracey, if your husband won't go with you, please go alone. It can make a real difference.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna