It happened, I finally fell off my rocker.

[humpieumpumkin]

So here I am at work. My boss calls me into her office and maliciously says "I will no longer pay you for your sick and personal days." I said nothing. I haven't had one "personal day" unless you call that sitting on the toilet all day crying my eyes out. So anyways, I run to the bathroom and say the good shepards prayer to myself about 10 times. It helped calm me down enough to collect myself. I'm bak at my desk but the anxiety is eating away at me. I can't make rent this week without going into wedding savings, which is absoultly frigging fine becuase my fiance refuses to set a date and won;t talk about marrage. May will be 1 year aniversay of our engagement. I'm serioulsy considering leaving him not for lack of love but I am dragging him down and he needs better. I can tell the disease is killing him, becuase of his temper and severe anger towards me lately. I have no friends or family in the area and would be destatue without him and he knows it. Dispite my best attempts at avoiding/disfusing arguements I am simply causing him so much mental distress I can hardly live with myself. I love him more than anything in the whole world, and without him I would simply lose the will to live. I am willing to leave just to make him happy-I love him that much. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I'm fasting today and am going to spend as much of the day as possible in prayer for some answers. Any advice would be great. Thanks for listening.

Erika

[petrie86]

Erika,
This disease takes alot out of many people... not only us but those around us. If your fiance really loves you which I am sure he will stick behind you, if he doesn't then you deserve better!!! Someone in your position deserves the best of love. I'm sorry he's angry and has animosity towards you but I believe he is just frustrated and doesnt know how to deal with it. Maybe he is frusterated as we are b/c there is no cure for this disease. Your boss is an That's just not fair. Have you tried applying for disablity? It bothers me that you are going such had times right now. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG!!!! Remember that we are all here for you. No matter what!!

Rachel

[ICNDonna]

Right now I think it would be a good idea for you to talk with a family counselor. Do you have family or a close friend you can talk to, even by phone. It sounds like you are in a really tough spot and I really wish I had some real answers for you. Hopefully a counselor can help you take an objective look at your situation and help you make some decisions so you won't feel so cornered.

Sending warm hugs,
Donna

[leelee88]

Erika,

I am so sorry you are having such a bad day.. I do understand how this disease makes us feel when it comes to our partners.. I have had many ups and downs, thinking my husband would be better without me..
But somehow it always seems to get better..You are going to have days like this because its just the way this disease affects us..

Please know that even though you might not have friends where you live you always have friends here who will listen to you anytime and anyday. I know I couldnt have gotten through alot of my bad days without these people and the encouraging things that they have to say..

Well I just wanted you to know I am here for you if you need to talk or just vent..GOD BLESS YOU!!!

[humpieumpumkin]

I took an ativan about 10 minutes ago and i'm starting to calm down...I'm still depressed though. I'm going to the chapel next door during my lunch break and plan on running myself to death on the treadmill to chill out. I do feel like this could be a breakdown, but I will do my best to focus all this energy towards exercise/prayer. Hopefully I can pull myself up by the boot straps by myself. I will call jake at lunch.

Erika

[tigger_gal]

hi there.. you know I feel like you do. I think we all do at one time or another, this is normal for us , scary huh? A few weeks back, I wrote my husband a very long letter and told him he deserved better, bla bla bla, and he just needed to move on. He never said any thing about it, a couple weeks after that he started screaming at me about something, and I told him just to get out of my life.. I didn't talk to him for days.. then one night at 3 in the morning he come in there and told me he loved me and had no intentions of losing me, I told him he was working really hard at it. I know from reading your post you don't want to bring this up face to face. You could write him a letter and let him know how you feel.
Sending you big hugs and good vibes your way

[Berkshire Road]

Oh, please consider counseling before you do anything rash. You say you want to leave him for his sake, but do you really know what he wants? A lot of our partners (boyfriends, fiances, spouses) have had a hard time adjusting to the reality of IC, but it's often possible to work things out over time, as the partner learns more about the condition. But it can only happen if the two of you can really talk honestly about your feelings, and counseling can facilitate that very often.

I'm so sorry about your boss. I know how that is. I had to leave my job because I really couldn't carry on, but my boss (assistant department chair) could not have been less helpful. She is one of those people who have never been sick, and see illness as some kind of character flaw.

Prayer and exercise are both very healthy ways of dealing with stress. Good luck to you.

[humpieumpumkin]

Tig I am so scared! You are right~! I'm so terrified he wil say yes I would be better off without you(which is the truth and it kills me).

Erika

[leelee88]

You know I say that to my husband alot.. And he always comes back at me and says so you would leave me if I was sick?... Of course not I love him and jake loves you so why would he want to leave you......((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[humpieumpumkin]

Thats a good question leelee and I don't know the answer. I have been an emotional werck all week and have had several panic attacks. Me and Jake discussed the interstim last night and he hardly watched the video the doctor sent me home with. I don't feel like a real woman or a whole woman I guees. I feel tainted or something and feel like typhoid Mary-I don't want to contaminate Jake with my issues since he is such a great man

Erika

[tigger_gal]

no he wouldn't, no more then mine would be with out me. Dave told me if he didn't love me, or didn't want to be with me then he would be gone. I am sure he loves you very much.. I too have a hard time talking to my husband, because it feels like I get tongue tied, or get the impression I am bothering him. fighting is another story lol... need to zip the lips then
you will be ok, we are here for you.

[meme]

I know how hard it is to have to deal with this everyday. I think that the people around us get frustrated too, especially if they love us and don't know how to make us feel better. Leelee has a good point. You wouldn't leave him if he were sick because you love him no matter what. I'm sure he probably feels the same way. I'm sure his lashing out is just his frustration with the IC and does not in any way mean that he doesn't love you.
I know it's easier to say than do, but I would try to find a new job. We all need people who are accepting and at least try to understand what we go through with IC. It's not like we want to be sick at home all the time, truth is, we probably go to work a lot more than we really should when we don't feel good. ((hugs)) Leah

[ihurttoo]

I am so sorry to hear about how rough things have been going with you at work and also about your fears regarding your fiance.

I am always appaulled at how ICers are treated in the workplace. Briza had a great thread about a week ago about FMLA. She is a teacher and applied for it b/c she was missing so much work. From the way she explained it, your Dr. writes a note for you, and then, rather than having to go get a new note from him each time you are sick, you just take off time that is covered under FMLA. I definately think this is something you should consider doing. If you have any questions about how it is done and how it works, you should send Briza a pm. She is great with explaining things. (Must be the teacher in her! )

Regarding your fiance, I feel so bad for you that you feel this way. But, just because you think he doesnt want to be with you, or that his life would be better without you, doesnt make it the truth. As women, we tell ourselves certain lies all the time like that we are bad mothers and/or wives, that we are unattractive, incompetent, etc. But, just b/c we think something, doesnt mean it is true.

I feel certain that if you talk to your fiance about this, you will find that these arent his thoughts at all! I like Cindy's idea about writing him a letter. Sometimes it is easier to say things in a letter, than to say them face to face. (At least it is for me.) Unless you confront him with your fears, there is no way of finding out if they are unfounded or not.

Like you (and others), I frequently tell myself the same things..that I am not good enough, my family would be better off with a stranger, etc. But, though I cant play with my son often, or have sex with my husband as much as he would like, and even though I am in bed most of the day, I know in my heart that no one could EVER love them as much as I do. And deep down, I think you know the same thing.

You fiance doesnt want to be with you because you cook, clean, or can go out and do things with him. He can hire someone to cook and clean or do those things himself. He has friends that he can do other things with. The only thing he cant get somewhere else that only gets from you, is your love. And that is the one thing he wants and needs. And it is clear that you love him with all your heart.

Think about it this way, there are lots of people with disabilites in wheelchairs who cant even do the things that we can do, (even though we are limited in alot of activites), but do you ever look at them and think they arent good wives or mothers because of their limitations? Of course not! It would never occur to any of us to think that. If anything, they value the people in their lives even more than non-handicapped people do, b/c they appreciate all the things their loved ones do for them. We are ICers are the same way. We cherish our loved ones all the more for being there for us and going above and beyond for us all the time.

You are very lucky in alot of ways. You got IC before you got married, so your fiance knows that the "in sickness and health" thing will be applying to you guys your whole life, not just when you get old, like alot of people. Well, for those who live their whole lives with someone and they are always healthy, they will never truly know if their loved one will bail when the chips fall. But, our relationships have all already been tested, and we know that our loved ones could have bailed, but they havent. So, we know they truly, deeply love us. That is something alot of people cant say!

I hope that you will follow Cindy's advice and write your fiance a letter and get it all out. He cant reassure you and make you feel better until he knows what you are worried about.

If you ever need a friend, please pm me anytime. You are not alone, not ever. We may not be able to come over to your house to comfort you, like friends in the "real world", but you can post, pm or call anytime.

Sending hugs from Ky,
Amy

[stac7_8]

First of all u need to see what ur policy is in ur office about Sick leave and personal days. If you can back up all the "appts" or problems that u have then there is no reason why they should not pay u. If u have accured the time then they can NOT take it from u unless u stop working for them. If it was me I would talk with someone at the EEOC office and find out. This is not just a cold that we have and is not going to just go away in a few weeks. This is a problem and is they are not willing to work with u then by all means find another job. But u have to stick up for urself because no one else will.

After u talk with the EEOC and find out the information that u need, I would inturn right a nice but demanding memo/letter to ur boss and then her boss about the situation. Make sure u have all ur ducks in a row. That is not right to do that to you.

Now about ur soon to be husband.....honey if he loves u then he will stand behind u. He is mostilikly scared just like u are. He doesn't like it when u are in pain and bless his hart he doesn't know what to do for u and that is what is killing him. I bet if he could he would take the pain away from u!!! Try not to worry......I know it is hard but u have to try!!! TALK TO HIM!!!

U HAVE TO TALK OR U WILL THINK AND SCARE URSELF TO DEATH GIRL!!!!
Take care

[humpieumpumkin]

Jake doesn't want to leave we talked last night. He treated me extra nice for a change and called me hunny all night and cooked me a T-Bone steak and a huge baked potato.:woohoo: I don;t know what happened, I guess the stress built up so much that I just had a break down. Today I am much, much better. I so appreciate all of your thoughtfull words, you guys helped me to get through the day and to seriously think about things. I am quite isolated in my life right now, and if it wasn't for all you guys giving me encouragement I dont know where I would be. I just feel like I owe it to all you to help you the way you have helped me.

Erika