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  • Feeling really down.

    Hi my fellow Icers,

    Sorry I havent posted on here for awhile but I have just been feeling really down. I do read everyone elses posts often but just havent felt like posting. I just feel so weird, really happy sometimes and really sad others.

    I also get this feeling of worry that I have never had before. Like I just start to really worry about my future and life and my marriage. I try to calm myself down but it doesnt always work.

    I do love Hawaii but I hate living with my in-laws. I miss California only b/c i miss my family so very much. Well and the restaurants and food prices! 6.50 for a gallon of milk is pretty steep! I feel so torn. I feel lonely in HI and then come to California and feel terribly lonely and miss Hawaii!. Is that normal for those of you that have moved often?

    I also dont know if I should even post this next thought b/c I dont want to offend anyone. PLEASE know this is just MY thoughts and MY feelings on how I should live my life but I feel like a loser for not working. I am still bringing in income from other places so financially I am okay, even if I am using some of my savings. But I dont feel like I am contributing anything to society and some days I feel soooo lazy. And when people ask me what I do I am so ashamed to say I dont work! I have always been very high energy, success oriented and now I am afraid I will never do anything with my life! I know this sounds stupid but I feel like it is already too late for me, Im 26!

    There are just so many other things, I could write a book but I know that would bring anyone down. I just wanted to at least get this off my chest. I feel like I am just pretending every single day and I wonder why people around cant tell I am drowning?

    Sarah
    Current meds; , effexor 37.5 mg 2 times a day, and lyrica 100 mg 3 times a day, lots of reading and snuggling with the pets!

  • #2
    so sad

    Hi Sarah'

    Soo sorry you are feeling sad and down. I think we all know where you are coming from. It is so depressing when you want to do something, but don't feel like doing anything. You are not alone. Ic work hard on a person's emotions and feelings. You are worth a whole lot, There is a plan for you and I am sure you will find that things will look up as you go . I look for a new message every morning on this site, It just feels good to know that someone know or acknowledges that you a alive. I read the post most days too. Sometines I have such big plans and then end up doing nothing. Please don't give up on yoursellf things can change and prayerfully they will soon find a cure for ic. That is my hope everyday, especially for the younger ones. Ic is hard on a marriage, the persoon who has it and their mate, and children. The only thing that helps me is to watch a funny movie or just maybe spend time listening to some uplifting music. Hope you feel better soon.

    J.J.

    Comment


    • #3
      Oh Sarah,
      I really believe the feelings you are having are something we have all felt at one time or another.. Esp us who have a disease like IC..I have many times felt like a failure because I cannot work, but hun it is not our fault that our bodies have broken down and we are not alone. There are so many more people out there who want to work just like us, but honestly just cant..So please dont let that get you down, that is not your fault at all!!!
      You mentioned you would like to write a book,well I think that would be a great idea and it would also keep you busy and keep your mind off things. So you might try that. I know writing is great therapy..I wish you luck and I sure hope you start feeling better soon(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

      Ronda
      Hugs
      Ronda

      ONE Second, ONE Bite, ONE Breath, ONE Pill, ONE Minute, ONE Teardrop, ONE Hour, ONE Sip.. ONE DAY! I will Prevail from this disease! IC Hoping for a Cure!


      Link to Patient Handbook:
      http://www.ic-network.com/handbook/

      Diet Reference Sheet:
      http://www.ic-network.com/diet/icndi...tsheet0909.pdf

      Meds For IC: Lyrica-25mg Glucosamine-500 MSM-500mg, Prosed Ds -When Flaring

      Other Meds: Levlite- Continious Birtcontrol, Micardis-40mg for High Blood Pressure

      Meds I have Tried:
      Topamax,Tofranil, Elmiron, Atarax, Cymbalta, Elavil, Enablex, Detral La, Prydium.
      Lexapro< Bad reaction to this med!
      Intstills, could not continue them due to some kind of reaction after 3rd instill. Tasted the lidocaine in my mouth, tongue and lips went numb then went into what seemed like a panic attack. Shaking, racing heart, tingling face/head, blood pressure shot up..

      Dx With IC in Nov 2006 with Hydro/Cysto
      Hydro/Cysto Caused Bladder to Rupture.

      Other Dxs-Vulvodynia,Fibro, Endo, IBS, HPV, Migraines, Spastic Colon, Mild Dysplasia.



      ICN Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Dear Sarah,

        The moving situation and feelings that you are going through with it do happen to others. I've done the move thing and I have the exact same feelings.....The work thing....you contribute to us and we LOVE YOU! I'm 31 and in the same boat. Maybe it's time to talk to someone about these feelings so that you can work on ways of coping with them.

        I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I wish there was more I could say but all I can think of is that you are not alone.

        Kara
        Complex Case: Severe IC 1999, Interstim 2001, Endometriosis 2001, End Stage Refractory IC 2002, Bladder Removal (Cystectomy) 2002, Gall Bladder Removal 2005, Infertility 2003, Urethra Removal, Bladder Reconstruction (Urethrectomy/Indiana Pouch) 2006, Celiac Disease 2007, Adhesion Disease 2007, Pudendal Nerve Entrapment, Ovarian Cysts, Vestibulitis, Vulvodynia, Total Vestibulectomy and removal of both Skene's Glands, 2007 and Coccydynia 2007. Fibromyalgia and, Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome both in my neck and knees, 2007, PNE Decompression Operation May, 2009.Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, Anesthesia Awareness (to awaken during operations)Pudendal Nerve Decompression Surgery, Revrse Uterine Sling, Sept. 2011

        "One hour at a time, this was NOT my American Dream but it has to work out somehow."

        I also have some journals of my journeys, past and some present at:
        http://karasnewblog2008.blogspot.com/ and http://icnkaralynn.blogspot.com/

        Most of my Journaling now is currently on Facebook. These are old and my ICN Patient story is very old and outdated.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thank you everyone. Sniff sniff!
          I feel so bad because there are days I just dont feel like posting on here and I know others need support and it just sucks!
          I just hate being the sick one and saying AGAIN that I dont feel well! I just cant stand it. I also lost my insurance for 9 days and this resulted in not being able to get any of my meds and I got sooooo sick. I hate the fact that I have to take medicine everyday or I get terribly sick. Withdrawals are like the worst thing on earth. I have insurance again now but I am paying dearly for it.
          I know exactly what you mean about everything being so tough when you are down Briza. I feel so lazy sometimes. I used to scoff at people who watched a lot of TV and now I watch a ton of it!
          I hope that things go okay with your job though Briza. One thing I dont regret at all is not working in a job like my last one. I made a ton of money but it wasnt worth it, at all. The stress nearly killed me. but the bills have to be paid somehow! And being married to an artist I am the one who makes the money.
          I have been wondering how you were Kara? Are you hanging in there? I checked your blog the other day to see how things were going for you. I hope you are okay.
          I have also been following your case Ronda and I am furious about how they have been treating you. The only thing I can say is dont give up. I know that is easier said than done. I went through the same pain mgmt nightmare before I found my wonderful doctor.
          I am going to take your advice JJ and watch a good movie! That always does distract me! Thank you.
          Love Sarah
          Current meds; , effexor 37.5 mg 2 times a day, and lyrica 100 mg 3 times a day, lots of reading and snuggling with the pets!

          Comment


          • #6
            hate job

            i hate my job
            i hate my job
            i hate my job

            everyday i wish i could afford to be you.


            you should look into a home based businesses.
            you know..sell mary kay...or candles..or something
            just something to keep you busy

            your own schedule
            small income
            get out of the house a while

            there has got to be alot of lonely military wifes out there.

            i dont sell anything..but i sure buy alot of it.
            i love that stuff!
            i need a new marykay lady anyway
            Quit ELMIRON due to hair loss
            Cystoprotek ROCKS!

            find me on FACEBOOK -
            search my email amarta[email protected]

            Current Meds:
            AM Cystoprotek & ATARAX 50mg
            Dinner CYSTOPROTEK
            PM Elavil 25mg

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi Sarah, I hope you are feeling a little better. We are all here for each other. Sometimes it helps just to say what you are feeling or put it on paper/email and it helps. If you keep it bottled up inside you it doesn't help you feel any better just worse! Which island are you on? my father in law is in Hilo. We tried to get over there this year but just not able to with work schedules and of course money. Hang in there!
              mom to 3 wonderful kids


              IC symptoms 7/03,
              hysterectomy 11/04,
              prolapse cervix 7/07
              diagnosed: IC 2007
              IBS 2008

              Comment


              • #8
                Sarah, you know I've been following your posts for a long time now, and you deserve some rest...mental and physical. You've had so many ups and downs, its no wonder that you're feeling the way you are right now. Moving, especially to basically a different CONTINENT, is one of life's most challenging, and stressful events. I'd be more worried about you if you didn't have some emotional issues going on right now.

                If it keeps on, even after you're more settled and used to living in Hawaii, then I do think you should see someone. There's no shame in needing someone to talk to. I've been to a therapist several different times in my life, usually concerning my love life. It's a bit strange to begin with, but after a while it feels really good to talk to someone who is on the outside and can see things in a less judgemental way than someone who lives with you or is in your family.

                I think you are a very brave and strong woman who has hit a few bumps in life. You'll come out of this ok, I know you will.

                Have some faith in yourself...it's HARD not working. I struggle with it every single day of my life. I am my own worst enemy because I have a hard time feeling functional and that I do contribute to society in my own way...for me, it's raising 3 wonderful children who I know will be an asset to this world. You have to find what your role is, what makes you feel important, useful, etc.

                You're not crazy...just think back to where you were 6 or 12 months ago and look how far you've come since then. I see you as a strong woman who can handle the worst that life has to offer! You're an inspiration whether you know it or not!

                Hugs, Sandy
                *IC-- Summer 2004; PFD--October 2005
                *Fibro--Fall 2000; CFS-- Fall 2000
                *MPS--Fall 2000; Crohn's disease-- 1997*IBS,GERD, *Migraines, hypothyroidism, GYN problems *Degenerative Disc Disease/scoliosis

                Total Abdominal Hysterectomy--adenomyosis--9\08

                04/17/09 Crohn's disease almost killed me with a combo of extreme constipation from pain medications. My bowel ruptured, I almost died from peritonitis and spent several days in the ICU then more in a private room on the floor. If you have any questions about severe constipation from pain meds please don't hesitate to send me a message.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Charmed, we are actually only about 30 mins from Hilo! That is where we do all our shopping and try to get in to civilation, lol! I can imagine it is expensive to come over with a whole family. The only time to do it is Oct-May, then it gets to be about twice as much.
                  Berkshire, I am on Effexor but have to admit that sometimes I dont take it like i should. It is so hard to get through the pharmacy that I sometimes have to go a little while without taking it. It never really did anything for me anyway. I was on celexa before that and it really did nothing.
                  I am trying to just hang in there and end up with some pretty good days.
                  Thank you all for caring.
                  Sarah
                  Current meds; , effexor 37.5 mg 2 times a day, and lyrica 100 mg 3 times a day, lots of reading and snuggling with the pets!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    We posted at exactly the same time!
                    *IC-- Summer 2004; PFD--October 2005
                    *Fibro--Fall 2000; CFS-- Fall 2000
                    *MPS--Fall 2000; Crohn's disease-- 1997*IBS,GERD, *Migraines, hypothyroidism, GYN problems *Degenerative Disc Disease/scoliosis

                    Total Abdominal Hysterectomy--adenomyosis--9\08

                    04/17/09 Crohn's disease almost killed me with a combo of extreme constipation from pain medications. My bowel ruptured, I almost died from peritonitis and spent several days in the ICU then more in a private room on the floor. If you have any questions about severe constipation from pain meds please don't hesitate to send me a message.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thank you sandy. We must have been posting at the same time,loL! YOu are one of the people I look to and admire who doesnt work outside the home. You are lucky you have your kids, they must keep you sooo busy though, lol! Another thing I didnt want to go in to in my post is that we, hubby and I, are now raising his sisters son, since we moved to Hawaii. She hasnt taken care of him since he was 8 months old and he is 10 now. It breaks my heart. She lives only 10 mins away too.
                      It is so hard for me b/c I have never had a child before or even taken care of one. And this poor thing has soooo many problems b/c of his neglect. He is 5th grade but reads at a 1st grade level, he can barely do math, and he is about 65 pounds overweight! I have been working so hard with him but everytime I turn around, someone is undermining me with him. They make me feel mean for giving him chores and expecting him to eat heathy food. It has been really hard on me and I dont know what to do. It is so very hard. I envy all you parents out there, it is the hardest thing in life, I think.
                      ANyway, I had a great therapist here in CA and now I need to find someone over there but there is such a shortage of doctors I dont know how that will work. I will try though.
                      Thank you Sandy. I appreciate your advice and concern.
                      Sarah
                      Current meds; , effexor 37.5 mg 2 times a day, and lyrica 100 mg 3 times a day, lots of reading and snuggling with the pets!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It sounds like a GOOD thing that you are setting boundaries and have expectations of this child. He's got to learn responsibility from somewhere and you'd be remiss if you DIDN'T make him accountable for chores, etc. He has so much to learn. Honestly, he sounds like a very lucky kid to have you in his life.

                        If it comes down to it you may want to put him in counselling. I went with my daughter when she was having those "cutting" issues. It helped her so much, and now she's thriving, worrying about which outfit to wear and how her hair should be cut. All the things a girl her age should worry about!

                        After all the crap that life has handed this kid, he probably has no idea how to handle someone telling him what to do and when to do it. He's had no stability in his life...and now that he's got it he just doesn't know how to act...but one thing I can tell you for sure is that ALL kids, neglected or not, actually LIKE having chores and routines where they know exactly what is expected of them.

                        Routine is the most important thing, at least I think it is....bedtime is the same EVERY night, dinner is served at about the same time, give or take 30 minutes, on this day we do this, on that day we do that, and this is what you can or can NOT get away with while you're living with me.

                        I'm kind of rambling but I hope this makes sense. If you've ever got any ?'s pm me...My youngest is a boy and he's 12....so I hope I've got some of my own life experiences that I can share with you if you ever need a shoulder.

                        Big hugs, you're doing a good thing!
                        *IC-- Summer 2004; PFD--October 2005
                        *Fibro--Fall 2000; CFS-- Fall 2000
                        *MPS--Fall 2000; Crohn's disease-- 1997*IBS,GERD, *Migraines, hypothyroidism, GYN problems *Degenerative Disc Disease/scoliosis

                        Total Abdominal Hysterectomy--adenomyosis--9\08

                        04/17/09 Crohn's disease almost killed me with a combo of extreme constipation from pain medications. My bowel ruptured, I almost died from peritonitis and spent several days in the ICU then more in a private room on the floor. If you have any questions about severe constipation from pain meds please don't hesitate to send me a message.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Sarah you have really been through so many changes and that itself can cause stress and depression. People here gave you some good advice and hopefully time will help you through all of these changes.

                          I just here to give you a "BIG HUG"
                          Hope things start getting less stressful for you, Trishann

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Sarah,
                            First of all sweetie, we both have been through lots of ups and downs together these past few years. You my dear, are a strong vital person. Take the chance to rest while you are not working and maybe you'll find another life's calling. Who knows? Maybe business is not your life's work and you are destined to do something great. Maybe a class or two at UH Hilo or Hawaii Community College to do something you've never done before. I think you would be great doing something in the healing arts yourself. Really. I'm not blowing aloha up your whoha, I'm serious. Hawaiian culture is so different than the mainland and it takes a while to adjust. About the time I liked living there, we moved. Now I long for it by watching Dog the Bounty Hunter so I can see the places on Oahu I hung out at in high school. Scary, eh? You are a saint for helping with your nephew. I know with Lindsey how important routine is. BTW, don't know if you saw but she is coming back to her Mama next week!

                            Please give yourself some time and know I am always here, ok. Hang in there.

                            Lots of love,
                            Barb
                            (Babs passed away in April 2009. We honor her memory and remember her fondly. - Jill O. ICN President & Founder)

                            [SIZE="1"]Proud mama of a gift named Lindsey who taught me through her autism what is important in life:angel:
                            :angel: IC Angel Volunteer Coordinator :angel:
                            :) Contact me via PM or e-mail if you would like to help
                            I have learned all about life in 3 words: It goes on! :D--Robert Frost
                            PCOS 7/85
                            RSD 7/94 :headbang:
                            Endometriosis 9/98 :toilet:
                            Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome 9/99
                            Kidney stones--too many to count
                            Factor V Leiden mutation 10/02
                            IC 6/03 :evilsmile
                            Deep Venous Thrombosis and Cellulitis 12/05 :loco: DVT and Greenfield Placed 3/14/08
                            "Spirit is an invisible force made visible in all of life"--Maya Angelou
                            "Ohana means family--no one gets left behind or forgotten." Stitch[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Barb, I am SO happy to hear Lindsay is coming HOME to you. Is this a permanent arrangement? I really hope so for your sake.
                              I have been thinking about taking classes at the college near Hilo. I loved school and thought it would make me feel better to be doing something. That and I can get out of the house, away from the in-laws! I can imagine you would miss Hawaii, I already miss it when I leave there and I havent lived there long at all.
                              I have so much respect for all of you here who have kids. I knew I wasnt ready for children and taking care of my nephew is so hard but also can be rewarding. I just feel so sorry for him. What kind of future can a child like that have. I also just cant believe his mom just DOES NOT care about. My mom would do anything for me, and has, and most other moms I have met are the same way but she just isn't. She doesnt know anything about how he does in school, what he likes/dislikes, or just any of that stuff.
                              Thanks for backing me up Sandy. I DO feel mean sometimes but discipline isnt mean! Kids NEED boundaries and rules. I dont believe in being overly strict but come on, doing the dishes 2 times a week is NOT child abuse! I will take your advice about the routine though b/c I often feel him at different times and he will do his schoolwork at different times too. I would love to get him in counseling but so far I havent had any luck. He really is a sweet kid though. He hugs me so tight and tells me he loves me!
                              One positive thing is I read to him every night and he has become engrossed in Harry Potter. He begs me to keep reading when I am done. I figure it is a start, right?
                              I feel so much better already ladies. You guys mean so much to me and can cheer me up when no one else can! I am crying again, sniff sniff.
                              Sarah
                              Current meds; , effexor 37.5 mg 2 times a day, and lyrica 100 mg 3 times a day, lots of reading and snuggling with the pets!

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