Furious-Am I overreacting?

[IC SARAH-CPP]

OMG, I am SO upset right now everyone. Upset enough to be considering a divorce from my husband.
I am in California right now and he is still in Hawaii. He was supposed to be coming over a couple days after I came here but have decided to wait a couple weeks to come over here. So I am here waiting for him.
But anyway, that isnt why I am upset. Here is the situation. Before I left we met the people who live 2 houses down from us. We went to their house one night for a bonfire and they were nice but that was the only time we hung out with them. Well since I have been gone from Hawaii, my husband has gone over there a couple times. I was okay with that, nothing wrong with that. But last week he went over there and had dinner over there. Now this wouldnt be a big deal except the people who live there are a couple and the girls sister just moved there from Ca. She is only 20 and totally gorgeous with a killer body. My husband made several uh.....comments about her before I left that kinda made me feel weird. But I am SO not the jealous type and wasnt really upset.
However, I WAS very upset when I found out that he had dinner over there with just the four of them! I couldnt believe that, I thought that was totally inappropriate. I was very upset. I mean upset enough that I was sick to my stomach and unable to breathe. So we fought over that for 2 days b/c he wouldnt apologize and said I was being a physco and a jealous little child.
Well we made up over that and he said he wouldnt go over there again while I was gone. I said I dont care if you go hang out with the guy, just dont go to dinner with just the 4 of you.
Well last night he called me and he had gone over there for dinner with just the four of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so freakin mad, I couldnt see straight. And he told me he was going over there and I said I would be VERY upset but I wouldnt tell him " NO DONT GO" I am not going to forbid him to do anything. But he went anyway, knowing how much it would hurt me. He went even knowing that last time he went, we fought worse than we ever have before.
I just cant believe this. I am sick over this. Literally sick. He has changed everything in our life by doing this.
And the worst part is he wont apologize or act sorry in any way. He keeps calling me a little child and saying things like " Okay you little baby, okay you little 16 year old crazy child. I didnt know you were a physco jealous bleep" He KNOWS I am not a jealous person. I am just not. But this is not okay. This is disrespectful and inappropriate to do this. If the tables were turned, I know he wouldnt like it.
I just dont know what to do. I am refusing to speak to him right now b/c I am so upset. I dont want to end up saying something I regret. I just feel so hurt and just so shocked. I am in disbelief. Why would he do this to me? Doesnt he care about hurting me?
Desperate,
Sarah

[ads]

Sarah,
I am not in your shoes, but after reading you message the question that came to my mind was Do you have a reason to not trust your husband? Do you have logical evidence he is having inappropriate interactions with the 20 year old woman? (You don't need to answer.) Has he ever cheated on you before? A lot of men aren't good at being alone, so maybe he is going over to eat for the company while you are apart.

Personally, I can understand being mad about the comment he made about the 20 year old being hot -- not sure exactly what he said, but that wouldn't sit well with me at all. Remember, moves are at the top of stressful events in people's lives, so some of you reaction might be due to the extra pressure. I don't envy you trying to figure this all out. If you think something is going on and you have hard evidence not to trust him, then I would confront him

Best wishes,
ads

[pee&me]

hmm


I can understand why this would be upsetting. I am personally very self conscious and get absolutely crazy-nauseas it when my boyfriend comments about other women. I remember we went to a movie and afterwards he made an offhand comment about maggie gylenhal being "especially hot" in it. I went bonkers! It just makes me sooo sick to my stomach to think of him being physically attracted to another woman. I know that it is totally normal and natural to appreciate the female form, and I know that he is very faithful...but I just can't deal with "comments."

Now, if you think that he goes over to the neighbors solely because of this young lady, than I think you should confront him. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to confront him about that then I would definately address the fact that he deliberately did something that he knew you did not react to positively in the past. Don't let him condescend you either! Feelings are subjective and not "psycho" or "childish." If anything, let him know that you do not deserve to be treated this way from anyone...let alone the person who has vowed to love and cherish you.
You Go Girl

[GriffsMommy]

Oh wow Sarah
I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. I can totally understand why you're upset. My hubby makes comments about other women all the time. It doesn't usually bother me, it's just the way he is. He has always been faithful and I know that he would never cheat, he would feel to guilty about it because he loves me so much.
I'm guessing it's not the fact that he had dinner with just the 4 of them that is really what is making you upset. It's the fact that you expressly told him how much this upset you, and no matter how irrational that may be, he should respect the fact that it bothers you. Not to mention the fact that he told you he wouldn't do it again and then he did. That is what would make me really mad. It's not the other woman, now it's the fact that he doesn't care about your feelings towards the whole matter.
I would be really upset too. I never tell my hubby not to do something but if I tell him it really upsets me then I hope that he will take that to heart and care about my feelings. He always does but if he didn't I would of course be upset.
I hope everything works out.

[leelee88]

I can totally understand why you would be hurt and upset is because he did not take your feelings in to consideration..But you have to remb this... If he is going to cheat on you hun. Hes going to cheat regarless. So try not to get to upset about the dinner scene and dig deeper. Trust your inner judgement. You married him, so you are the one that knows his behavior and what hes about and go by your gut feelings not what you head is thinking.. Listen to his words when you talk to him.. So calm down regroup and get yourself together..And honestly if he was doing something with this girl do you think he would be telling you he was going over there for dinner with her there?

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Ronda

[Want2BPainFree]

What I would like to know is......how does your husband view his behavior? Guilty much? I mean, for goodness sake, what does he think it looks like to invalidate his wife's feelings? It is not healthy to be jealous, as I'm sure you know, but it is not healthy for your husband to call you and rub it in your face that he is defying not only your wishes, but the vows he made to you. Not that I'm saying he's definitely cheating, but cheating isn't just having sex with another person outside of marriage. A spouse can cheat their spouse out of time, out of respect, out of decency.......etc.

I believe that it is time to remind your husband that he is free to do what it is that he wishes to do as a MARRIED man. He is not to behave as though he is SINGLE. That is the choice he made when he married. If he wants to remain married, he should begin to behave as though he is married. It wasn't just getting the altar. It is more than that. He must hold up his end of the bargain or he will find himself alone....more alone than he feels right now.

[IC SARAH-CPP]

I am usually just not a jealous person - AT ALL. I will point out women to my husband that I think are very pretty and I dont care that he thinks they are pretty too. I dont think that just because he is with me, there cant be any other pretty women in the world.
But what hurts me is that he knew this upset me and he went AGAIN anyway. We fought so much after the first time he went and then he did it again a few days later.
I have no reason to not trust him. He has never cheated on me, nor do I think he ever would cheat. I just think it is so......inappropriate to have dinner with just the four of them. I put it to him this way. My best friend and I are going to go out with her boyfriend and his HOT brother to dinner, just us four! He said that would upset him. Well duh? Why is it okay for him to do that? I think that would upset most people.
His reaction was terrible too. Instead of just saying he was sorry and trying to calm me down, he went all defensive and started attacking me and being very rude and hurtful. Cussing at me and calling me names, mocking me, and just being very rude to me.
I am just so devestated. I cant sleep or eat or anything. We arent even talking right now. I had to take a sleeping pill last night to even get a little bit of rest. Of course, this is making my IC flare too. I am in severe pain now too.
Thank you for responding to my post. I know I am being silly but I cant help how I feel!
Sarah

[GriffsMommy]

I don't think you're being silly at all. You have a right to be upset. I'm so sorry that you're having a pain induced flare. Stress brings on some of the worst flares for me.

[leelee88]

You have every right to feel the way you do...Like you said its not a matter of trust its the fact that he didnt value your thoughts or feelings on the whole matter in general.. I am sure if the tables were turned it would be a whole differant story..I dont think he gets the point! You ask him not to go again, because you do not feel right about this.. Then as your husband he should value that even if hes not doing anything wrong..Then to lie to you and say he would not go again if she was there, and to turn around and do it again is just wrong. So now you feel lied to.. So yes your feelings are very well justified..
Maybe when you calm down you can talk to him again and just explain how you feel..If he doesnt understand then something just isnt right.. But thats just my opinion..Good luck hun

Ronda

[tigger_gal]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I personally feel yu have every right to feel the way you do. My husband makes remarks about other women, and it totally ****** me off. Especially when he never gives me a compliment. He jokes and laughs with the gals at work, but he don't with me. One day when Jake went to get him, he takes Jake and says I'll be right back. Thinking he went to the vending machines, I was wondering what took so long 20 mins later. He had took my son, and went up to the front office to show Jake to some girl. I was the witch with an attitude because I told him I did like that and it was wrong.

sending you big hugs.

[ICNJess]

I felt my blood pressure rising just reading this post! You have EVERY right to be upset! It's the principle of the matter. He's your husband...if you say, "This really bothers me" AND it has caused fights AND continues to cause fights AND it's causing problems in the marriage AND he gets defensive, DUH, it's NOT right.

Rant on, girl!

[meme]

I don't think you're being silly or out of line either. This happened with my husband and I a couple years ago. I'm not jealous either (we go to the strippers together even) and I about came unglued when my husband started hanging out with a girl in town. He had said before that she was good looking and then they started to hang out all the time, and he would tell me about it and I wasn't really worried at first because if he's telling me then no big deal-right? But then when it really started to bother me he wouldn't quit seeing her even though he knew (or should have cause I told him a million times) and that got me really worked up. I put up with it for about 6mos, sick all the time, then finally one night she drove by our house and then he called to talk to her dad and was really flirting with her and I flew off the handle. I asked for a divorce if he didn't knock it off. I didn't care if anything was going on or not, if my feelings weren't any more important than that then *^%$ him! Luckily for you, he'll be home in a couple of weeks and you shouldn't have to worry about her anymore, but you have to straighten out the way he's treated you. I won't tell hubby not to do anything either, but when my feelings are involved now he knows better than to do it. Plus NEVER let a guy curse at you or call you names. You both deserve mutual respect. BTW-nothing was happening in my case, but I made it clear to the girl myself to stay the hell away from my husband or there'll be consequences.

[Babs RN]

Sarah,
PM your number when you get a chance and I will call you. He needs to grow up, now or go. I wouldn't go back to Hawaii until he steps up to the plat some. GRRRRRRRRR.


Hugs,
Barb

[Rivet Kitty]

Hey there,

I agree with you 100%. You have every right to be mad. These ladies have said it all and I just want to add that I would be very cautious with any man that swore at me or called me a baby or a crazy child. We have a no swearing rule in our house (well, at eachother...when I'm on the freeway at rush hour that's an exception. ), and I know that can't apply to everyone, but it really shows how important respect is. He had no right to belittle you like that, and to me I definitely don't think he is showing you the respect you deserve, especially after you explicitly told him not to have dinner over there with the 4 of them.

Anywayyy, I hope you manage to work this out. *sends comforting thoughts your way*

[Bianchi]

I am wondering about the couple too, that is inviting him. They know he married, right? What are they doing to keep inviting a guy that's married, while her single 20-year old sister is visiting. Doesnt say much about them either.
Good Luck to you, I hope everything works out.
I agree with all the ladies on the board, if it bothers you, he should respect you enough to stop.
Bianchi