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I'm visiting the boards again after a VERY long time....
....probably because I am in the middle of the WORST IC flare I have had in over a year, perhaps in over several years.
I am sure it is at least in part due to stress, anxiety, depression, frustration, anger, and all those negative emotions. You see, I've had a really bad year. It started out very promising, when I got a promotion and a substantial raise in May 2010. However, my workload has literally tripled over the last year, and there have been a number of working weekends and all nighters pulled to get all of the deadlines met. Exhausted would be an understatement.
Then, in July of 2010, my dad, who I am very close to, was diagnosed with colon cancer. He is doing okay right now, but it was touch and go for a while. First he developed an intestinal blockage that almost killed him as a result of the surgery done to remove the part of his colon with the tumor in it. Then, he had a major allergic reaction to the chemo he was given. And then, if that wasn't enough, suddenly his liver swelled and he developed severe gallstones! That poor man was in so much pain last year....
If that wasn't enough, about a month after we got my dad's diagnosis, my HUSBAND'S dad was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic melanoma - while he's doing okay at the moment, there's only a 10% chance or so he'll be here 5 years from now.
And then, on top of all of that, in July of this year (2011), I lost my beloved Maine Coon cat Paddington to cancer. It was horrible... he got a clean bill of health in June, and by July 22 he was essentially gone. He didn't even really show symptoms until about 5 days before we took him to the vet... at first, he was just acting like he does right before he coughs up a giant hairball, so we didn't worry, especially since he'd just been pronounced "fantastic" by the vet. Then it got worse, and we took him in to the vet... once I saw the X-rays and the blood work, I knew I couldn't put him through any more, and ... well, Paddington didn't come home with us. Putting him down was the worst thing I've ever had to do, and I'm sitting here crying, still, thinking about it, but it was the ONLY thing I could do at that point.
And there is one more thing, if that isn't enough ... my marriage is falling apart. We're in counseling now, but I have no idea if it will work or if things are too far gone for that now. So I'm stressed about that, too, thinking about whether or not we'll divorce and what to do if we do. If we do, I'll probably begin looking for jobs up in New England, because that is where my parents and my best friends live, and if I stayed down here I'd probably just be very lonely without the support system they provide. Of course, the economy is still crazy, to say the least, and there aren't as many jobs out there as there used to be, so who knows. I don't know where I'll be in a year, and that is stressful for someone who has pretty much had her life planned out most of the time before this.
So, needless to say, finally the flare to end all flares has descended on me. My doctor has been very disappointing throughout this, too. For a world-famous IC doc, he sure doesn't help ME much. If his office manages to call me back at all, the answer to my requests for extra help is always "no." It's not like I've called his office very often asking for help very often, either - I think in the 6 years I've been seeing him, I've called his office 3 times between appointments - that's less than once a year. I'm beginning to regret leaving that pain clinic, because at least they prescribed breakthrough medication I could use in a situation like this. However, when my uro offered to take over my pain control, I THOUGHT would be a good thing, as he seemed compassionate and of course, it would be one less expensive co-pay. Then, he immediately and surprisingly took away my breakthrough meds. Lovely. I've been on the same low dose of my long-acting pain med for about 5 years now, so my body has pretty much found all of the back doors and alleyways to use to get around it at this point, so I have decided that as soon as this flare calms down, if it calms down, I'm going to ask to be taken off of it. Why bother paying for and taking something that just isn't working anymore?
Soooo... here I am, trying to work a beyond full time job with unreasonable expectations, help my dad with his health issues, and deal with my crappy marriage, all while dealing with pain that hasn't dipped below a 7 in over a week. I have absolutely no idea how I am getting out of bed and going to work, other than sheer force of will, because that if I'm about to get divorced I can't lose my job. Really thrilled about life right now.
I am sure it is at least in part due to stress, anxiety, depression, frustration, anger, and all those negative emotions. You see, I've had a really bad year. It started out very promising, when I got a promotion and a substantial raise in May 2010. However, my workload has literally tripled over the last year, and there have been a number of working weekends and all nighters pulled to get all of the deadlines met. Exhausted would be an understatement.
Then, in July of 2010, my dad, who I am very close to, was diagnosed with colon cancer. He is doing okay right now, but it was touch and go for a while. First he developed an intestinal blockage that almost killed him as a result of the surgery done to remove the part of his colon with the tumor in it. Then, he had a major allergic reaction to the chemo he was given. And then, if that wasn't enough, suddenly his liver swelled and he developed severe gallstones! That poor man was in so much pain last year....
If that wasn't enough, about a month after we got my dad's diagnosis, my HUSBAND'S dad was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic melanoma - while he's doing okay at the moment, there's only a 10% chance or so he'll be here 5 years from now.
And then, on top of all of that, in July of this year (2011), I lost my beloved Maine Coon cat Paddington to cancer. It was horrible... he got a clean bill of health in June, and by July 22 he was essentially gone. He didn't even really show symptoms until about 5 days before we took him to the vet... at first, he was just acting like he does right before he coughs up a giant hairball, so we didn't worry, especially since he'd just been pronounced "fantastic" by the vet. Then it got worse, and we took him in to the vet... once I saw the X-rays and the blood work, I knew I couldn't put him through any more, and ... well, Paddington didn't come home with us. Putting him down was the worst thing I've ever had to do, and I'm sitting here crying, still, thinking about it, but it was the ONLY thing I could do at that point.
And there is one more thing, if that isn't enough ... my marriage is falling apart. We're in counseling now, but I have no idea if it will work or if things are too far gone for that now. So I'm stressed about that, too, thinking about whether or not we'll divorce and what to do if we do. If we do, I'll probably begin looking for jobs up in New England, because that is where my parents and my best friends live, and if I stayed down here I'd probably just be very lonely without the support system they provide. Of course, the economy is still crazy, to say the least, and there aren't as many jobs out there as there used to be, so who knows. I don't know where I'll be in a year, and that is stressful for someone who has pretty much had her life planned out most of the time before this.
So, needless to say, finally the flare to end all flares has descended on me. My doctor has been very disappointing throughout this, too. For a world-famous IC doc, he sure doesn't help ME much. If his office manages to call me back at all, the answer to my requests for extra help is always "no." It's not like I've called his office very often asking for help very often, either - I think in the 6 years I've been seeing him, I've called his office 3 times between appointments - that's less than once a year. I'm beginning to regret leaving that pain clinic, because at least they prescribed breakthrough medication I could use in a situation like this. However, when my uro offered to take over my pain control, I THOUGHT would be a good thing, as he seemed compassionate and of course, it would be one less expensive co-pay. Then, he immediately and surprisingly took away my breakthrough meds. Lovely. I've been on the same low dose of my long-acting pain med for about 5 years now, so my body has pretty much found all of the back doors and alleyways to use to get around it at this point, so I have decided that as soon as this flare calms down, if it calms down, I'm going to ask to be taken off of it. Why bother paying for and taking something that just isn't working anymore?
Soooo... here I am, trying to work a beyond full time job with unreasonable expectations, help my dad with his health issues, and deal with my crappy marriage, all while dealing with pain that hasn't dipped below a 7 in over a week. I have absolutely no idea how I am getting out of bed and going to work, other than sheer force of will, because that if I'm about to get divorced I can't lose my job. Really thrilled about life right now.
It has been difficult, but there was something therapeutic about writing that post. Of course, I'm still in the middle of the flare from he** ... but I keep hoping I'll wake up better each day. It's been a rough time and probably will continue to be for a while, but if there's one thing I know it's that eventually, things will work out the way they are supposed to, and I'm trying to hold on to that throughout everything.
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