Using IC as an excuse for not doing things

[Julie B]

I just found out that one of my kids thinks that I use my IC sometimes as an excuse to not do things............she is generally very supportive and loving.........and I will address this with her when the time is right.

I will never of course, use this as an excuse......and I KNOW it gets tiresome to be quiet when mom is napping or when I have to leave something because I get uncomfortable........but more often than those things happen........I bite my tongue, wait TOO long to void.......or just grit my teeth thru pain.

Has anyone else had someone accuse them of this?

XOXO

[Kelli]

Julie,
I had family members accuse me of pretending to be in pain so I didnt have to come to family functions. I also heard my mom say one time that I have always been a good actress and was just looking for someone to feel sorry for me. Needless to say my mother and I don't have much of a relationship.

Kelli

[ICNDonna]

I don't think there's a parent alive who hasn't heart hurtful things from the mouths of their children --- I think "I hate you!" is probably the most common thing a child will say when disappointed about something. The most important thing to remember is that they don't mean it --- and they aren't lashing out at us --- usually something else is bothering them.

Please continue to think of her as supportive and loving.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[jaime15]

I have a sister who uses "guilt trips" when I don't show up for my neice and nephews sports. The thing is I went all the time a couple years ago. Then the IC got worse and all I could think about is were the nearest restroom would be.

I know she doesn't understand. And I could talk till I was blue in the face about why I now can't come to events. But you know it would go in one ear and out the other.

I don't feel guilty now though. The final straw was when she called and asked me to buy cookie dough from my neice for her school. I told her 13.00 was too steep and I'd pass. Soooo she said well I'll tell Maddy you don't want to.

I ended up buying it but that's it. I realized I kept her kids all the time and bought them stuff lots of times. I was single and could afford to. But now I'm married with a one yr old. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES she has asked to keep Zane?? 0
times.

And I can count on both hands how many times she has seen him. So it's not just your kids I think the adults a worse. They should know how to understand and still don't.

Sorry to ramble on. This topic struck a cord. wink
Jaime

[auntiedeb]

I can relate, but don't have kids. Dad thinks Im a drug addict so do two of my sisters. I ended up in the er last friday with a kidney stone and the other sister said Ihad to stop going there.Well, she always went she had panic attacks, did I say anything? No. I was very supportive and loving and caring. She is now having stomach problems andeveryone is beliving her and helping her. For me, they think this is a n excuse for me being sick. They don't understand. The younger sister has utis so she knows what that is like. If I wasn't in sevre pain, I would not of been at the er. This struck a cord in me too. It feels good to get it out. Thanks for listening. Hang in there. There is alway shope.

[Teri]

I'm right there beside you!!!!!!! And, I'm done explaining myself. I'm too old to have to. Yes, it hurts. It hurts ALOT. But there is absoluately nothing that I can do to change the thoughts in someone elses head (I've got enough problems with my own voices in my head wink )

I am in the process of surrendering my children, my step children and my husband into an invisable box and when ever they try to get back into my head, I will remind myself that they can NOT get into my head because I have them locked away in that box.

I was a drunk for almost 8 years. It didn't cause near the damage that IC has caused in my family

sending some hugs your way Julie~

[dyno]

I used to feel bad about it and I don't anymore. I have suffered with this now for 28 years, I am almost 45. In my early years of this everyone kept telling me it's all in your head. My first husband was not real supportive. I married my second husband 10 years ago. We had to go to a family wedding on his side about 7 years ago. We started out and got about 30 miles, this was a 2 hour drive. I had a flare and could not do it. We had to go back home. He told me not to worry about it there was nothing I could do about it.

In the last year I have found articles on IC that I have sent my mom, son and daughter. I didn't say anything to my mom about the fact that she was one of them that told me it was in my head, I just sent her the info. It is amazing how much more sympathetic she has become. But as far as I'm concerned if they don't understand that is there problem not mine.

You take care of you and don't feel guilty.

Jolene

[mayray518]

I, too, had people accuse me of everything of wanting to quit my job (Yeah aftr 18 years of hard wrk) and sit on my butt all day; of being a good actress and really hiding a drug problem and; and being stressed out because my biological clock was ticking. I found the best article I could describing IC, the pain associated with it and the effects it has on us. After showing it to the doubting "Thomases" I did not have any more problems with them

[Julie B]

chapter two:

I talked with my daughter and of course she knows I don't do that..........we talked about do much less thanparents who do much less than I do.....despite being healthy........they are all wrapped up in their own lives......

Then we also know parents who are disabled, have MS, disabling heart disease, cancer, chron's etc.........and those families cope graciously..........with prayer and support of each family member...........

Everyone has something.......

Hugs to you all........it was such a bad night for me.......(and thanks Yvette for shouldering my tears.....) It does help to know you are all here............so much.......

XOXOXOXO

[auntiedeb]

((((((((((((JUlie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Hugs and prayers to you. It is hard to see parents being ill. My MOm was very ill as far back as I can remeber. /She was 51 when she died of congestive heart failure in 1990. She had her first heart attack at the age of 29 and then I remeber her years later having a sinus operation that took her back to the hospital. I miss my Mom. I got very angry at her when I was 13 years old and I was not the nicest teenager around and would want to run away. Plus my periods and hormones were rapid then. I had a very close and loving relationship with my Mom. When I started getting migranes in the summer of 90, tht is when I knew she was dying and I couldn't go to work or sleep or eat. for two weeks, I was in bed, scared to go anywhere. Mom and I had always talked, when my migranes would hit, I would get like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. strnge isnt' it?. Mom is now in a better place and no more pain. I am glad to see that you have an open and honest and close relationship with your daughter and children. there will be many tears and misunderstandings with this ic. I know alot of people don't understand this but I know there are people out there that support me with this. Hang in there. Prayers for you and your family. There is hope.Angels among us. Have a pain free day.

[yvette]

Dear (((((((((julie)))))))))))))
I'm glad you both talked things out--I know much it stung when it first came out, but it seems something really positive has come out it.

I really would like to add that sometimes the person(s) blasting us for using *IC as an excuse* it's really just a exclamation of frustration and anger that the world isn't fair, and that it isn't fair that WE the 'sick' person haven't been able to participate in the game of life. And that IC has been unfair. They're not really mad at us, as they are the disease.

[Christa]

Hello-

I have to say that I'm very lucky. No one in my family- that includes my husband, parents, in-laws- has ever criticized me or accused me of pretending. They know that the pain is real and that I would never isolate myself from my life just to avoid unwanted work or family functions. Some of my co-workers, however are not so kind. The only thing that helps to convince them is the fact that if I don't go to work, I don't get paid. So there's no benefit to avoiding work.

But I have promised myself that I will never use IC or any other illness falsely as an excuse- I'm mean just use it when I feel ok. If I'm feeling good I let my husband know it. Then we take advantage of that precious time 'cause we don't know how long it's going to last.

Chris

[yvette]

To Jaime: I know what you mean about Reciprocation not being offered between siblings. ::::sigh::::
If I could take Zane for an afternoon while you go get beautious at a Spa or something, I would.

And.....13 bucks for cookie dough!!!! Holy smokes!!! it better be calorie free and know how to bake itself!!! eek eek eek Also The little comment made after declining wasn't necessary not to mention manipulative and obnoxious.

[jaime15]

So true Yvette. We could make millions on cookie dough baking itself. wink

But I'm slow and learning her ways. Youst to when this happened I complained to our mom and she would just refer back to my sis having a stroke when she turned 18. Well she's 29 now and that was a while ago. So I started saying mom you can't use that as an excuse everytime I want to pop her one for being pretty much a brat. Mom's caught on now though.
Jaime

[liz2]

I think it is very hard for children, especially the grown ones, to realize that Mom can't do what she used to do. My grown children know that I have health limitations, but their acceptance of those limitations is a totally difference story. They are not in the household and don't see what is happening.

That is especially true for other relatives; they don't see as much as your children do.