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Totally stressed out and ready to leave marriage

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  • Totally stressed out and ready to leave marriage

    Can't do this anymore. Wife of four years has become a complete couch potato. Just wants to sleep in until noon and then lie around all day on the couch watching tv. Does nothing for exercise, will not stick to the IC diet ( it does not work for her but how would she know as she did not follow it from day one), does not clean or wash a dish or make an appointment or walk the dog she professes to love so much. Refuses to go for counseling or even reach out to you guys. But she can get up and go somewhere if she wants to. I am doing it all and working full time and I have hit the wall. She is off pain meds now and she is not the woman I loved. Her personality has changed so much and she turns everything around so it is my fault. I was willing to follow the diet, I took her to every doctor's appointment, I read and studied and tried to help. I've sat up nights with her and gone to work the next day dead tired, rubbed her legs, washed and cooked and cleaned, got her the pet she thought she needed and she just does not want to get help aside from taking pain meds which the doctors have now cut her off of because she was getting addicted to them.

    I know I enabled her for four years but I am done. If she will do nothing to help herself then I am out of this marriage which is more of a servant relationship for me anyway. I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. And all the counselor says is that I have to work on my feelings and reactions to this rather than giving me some help coping. If she would only do something to show me that she is trying instead of just .... ! I know that this might upset people who have IC but I am just so darn tired and I can't face a lifetime of service to a woman I no longer understand. And yes, I feel like a jerk leaving her but there is no joy left in my life anymore and she won't do one thing to help herself. So feel free to call me names guys because you can't say anything I have not said to myself.

  • #2
    Hi arden i know how hard it must be for u. I have been with my husband for 8 years now married for 3 and i have had bladder problems all that time which have slowly got worse over the past two years unremittant. He has been beside me throughout with my tears and bad days etc and has kept the house running with the cooking cleaning etc. Hopefully i am going in to have an op in 4 weeks time which will end all my problems but the number of times i have apologised to him for being such a burden to him etc and that i am not the woman he married so i know how u must feel as a husband, Hope u understand what i am trying to say and didnt mind me writing this post best wishes


    • #3
      You mentioned that she is not the same without pain medications. It's possible that the reason for that is that she actually needs pain control in order to be able to function adequately. There are times when I can't do anything without my pain meds. Thankfully, my doctor tells me he isn't concerned about my using them because he knows I need them. I have had IC for 37+ years and have not needed pain meds for all of that time, but I know there are others who do have that need. Right now I'm fighting cancer along with IC.

      Have you sought second and third opinions about what might help her? If not, I suggest you do so. Some folks need help with pain --- if she's one of those, she deserves the help of a doctor who understands and is willing to help.

      Sending encouraging hugs,
      Stay safe

      Elmiron Eye Disease Information Center -
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      Click on ICN Shop at the top of this page. You'll find Bladder Builder and Bladder Rest, both of which we are finding have excellent results.

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      I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

      Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool


      • #4
        Do you know which medications she was on during all this time?

        I think that some medications can really change people, but so can pain. Pain can turn a saint into a monster. Medications, if misused, can turn a sweet and kind person into a depressed nihilist.

        I was in my first serious relationship when I was 18. Everything was perfect and dandy for the first year, then I went into a major IC flare (surgery and everything ugh). One of my doctors prescribed Lyrica, which I took for a few days and ended up being the 1% of patients who experience extreme depression and suicidal tendencies from the drug. I was weened off the Lyrica, but the symptoms persisted for several months. I was a completely different person. Before the flare/Lyrica I was happy, positive, cheerful, smiley, had a great sense of humor, talkative, etc. For almost a year afterwards, I was sad, negative, suicidal at times, quiet, withdrawn, angry. We both decided that the relationship simply had been through too much, and that he was not the kind of person that could handle having a partner with the degree of medical problems that I have. There was no hostility - it was kind of a mutual understanding that we were not good for one another in the face of IC.

        Some people blame him, tell me I deserve better anyways, and think he should have been more caring about my medical conditions, that he was a jerk. But I don't feel this way. I believe some people have the capacity and patience to have a chronically ill partner, and some do not. It doesn't make them good or bad people, it's just one characteristic of their personality - like whether or not they like to travel.

        Don't worry, no one will call you names or anything like that. Everyone has a right to be happy in life, and if you aren't happy due to your marriage, you have that right and that decision to make a step in the right direction. You and your wife could try for eternity to work things out, but if in the end there is a fundamental problem that you or she is not willing to change or at least try to change, then it is a waste of time for the both of you. It sounds like you really wanted this marriage to work, but this disease is taking a toll on not only your wife, but on you as well. It sounds like she was originally a much different person than before all of this pain and strife came into her life.

        It's not her fault, no. It's not yours either. Disease is a terrible thing that can ruin relationships and even lives.

        Best wishes.
        Diagnosed with IC in 2005, since then have been diagnosed with an unspecified autoimmune disease, with inflammation in my bladder, colon, left knee, left ear, left eye, lungs and pericardium. Argh!

        Medical research addict.

        Likes: hot baths and naps with cats


        • #5
          Hi, Arden ~ So glad you found a safe place to vent your feelings. Just want to tell you that I think you're wonderful for all the support you've provided. My husband has been my life support, but I haven't gotten to the extreme that your wife is at. I know what I put my husband through, plus he was taking care of my 91 year old mother who lives with us. I, too, turned into a different person than my hubby fell in love with, but I was able to seek help and do what the doc suggested. I think Donna is so on track about the meds. I have had IC for 5 years and never asked for any pain meds, but this year I was laying on the sofa or bed all day long until I finally got some pain med to get me over the hump. I think that allowed me focus on getting better.

          You have done so much for your wife and yourself. It's such a difficult situation when a partner takes ill. Prayers that you'll find comfort with your decision, whatever you choose to do.

          Never heard of IC til suspected....Never knew so many suffer from it. Praying for a cure. I've found can you...keep the hope.

          11/2007 IC Symptoms began during recovery of surgery for bladder susp & hysto: painful/urge/freq urination up to 50 times a day, pain walking, even water hurts.
          8/2009 Susp IC; 1/2010 Treatment began; 2/2010 Diag PFD, PT, Surg remove mesh; 5/2010 Surg, 2nd bladder repair, vag vault/sm int prolapse repair, IC confirmed in surg; 7/2010 Diag Candida Esophagitis, Gastritis, Diviticulosis, Gallstones,
          8/2010 Surg gallbladder
          TREATMENTS (updated 4/15)
          IC Diet since 8/2009 (Able to vary 4/15)
          Heparin/Lidocaine/Bicarb/Kenalog Instills 1xDay
          Aloe Vera Capsules, (2) 2xDay, Loratadine 1xDay
          Pantoprazole, Prelief, Pyridium up to 3xDay, Premarin Cream 3xWeek
          *DISCONTINUED since feeling better: Celexa 10mg daily*, Fiber supp*,
          Gabapentin 12/2011 worked well *, Macrodantin 100mg after instill*, Probiotics*, PT-PFD*, Valium Vag Suppositories: Cyclo/diaz/lido, 10/5/62.5mg *
          PROB MEDS: Elavil, up to 50mg 1/2011 ret&hbp, Urelle ret, Vesicare ret


          • #6

            It sounds to me like your wife is also suffering from severe depression. I think you need to tell her where you are at. I understand you can't go on this way, but she has to want to help herself as well. So sorry.
            Diagnosed with IC in May 2011

            Current Medications:
            Elmiron 400 mg daily
            Imipramine 75 mg daily


            • #7
              That is just it! I have told her, I have written a letter to her, several in fact, I have spoken over the phone and yet she still tells everyone that my wanting to leave came 'out of the blue' and says that I have anger issues to work on because I am 'mad' at her all the time. She is right there- I am mad at her most of the time now. She will not take responsibility for anything and keeps turning it around so it is all my fault for getting angry and she has none of the blame. She even wrote my mom and asked her to talk to me because I will not tell her why I am angry. How many times can I spell it out.


              • #8
                Hi, arden

                I am sorry to learn about what you are going through. Sometimes IC puts as much strain on a relationship or family as it does the patient themself, and although I sometimes expect my loved-ones to understand my IC, I realize it is impossible for anyone else to understand when we, as ICers can barely understand it ourselves. It seems like you have been a very devoted and supportive spouse, and it sounds like you have been putting every ounce of effort you have into this; many of us ICers hope to find someone like you to spend the rest of our lives with. And you have every right to your feelings; it frustrating having someone so dependent on you, and when you seem to care more about a person than they care about them self.
                But have you expressed your concerns to your wife? Not that you are considering separating, but how she does seem as though she is proactive in her wellness? Have you told her how you do not feel appreciated? I know when some of my family members are upset with our relationship they do not address it, which becomes a bigger problem because I cannot fix a problem I am unaware of. Try talking to her in a neutral, non-confrontational, caring way. At first, it may be difficult for to acknowledge the weight that is put on you because if she is not appreciating herself, she probably cannot appreciate another; it seems as though she is suffering in not only her physical health, but in other aspects of her health, and she may be depressed. Try to get her help; if you have already done this much, I am sure you can. You obviously care about her deeply. Please keep us posted.
                Message me and add me

                Diagnosed with IC at 12-years-old, but have had IC much longer, now 24-years-old - fibromyalgia (diasnosed 07/30/12) - CFS - migraines - diagnosed with myofascial pelvic pain syndrome in January of '12 - scoliosis since ~12-years-old & s/p spinal fusion (06/21/10) T10-L3 w/ metal implants & nerve damage - post laminectomy syndrome - lumbar spondylosis - mild dextroscoliosis now - menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea (both controlled) - IBS - chemical sensitivity - allergies - chronic nose bleeds - heartburn - rosacea - and that is just the relevant stuff

                Do you have a question? Feel free to ask me anything; I am an open book!

                I am not a medical authority; I do not offer medical advice. Talk to your doctor, and if you are not comfortable talking to your doctor, find another one. It is OK to advocate for yourself as well as not be satisfied with your doctor! You deserve the best medical care.