New relationship and IC

[deviation72]

Hello all,

I wanted to ask if anyone has any suggestions, advice, stories etc, about how they dealt with having IC and being with a new partner? I am in a new relationship and my partner is very worried about me getting flare ups after we have sex, and I'm not sure what information and support I can give so that it's easier for her too. I'm worried my IC will get in the way of our relationship.

*~ deviation72 ~*

[KarenNielsen]

I met my husband 15 years ago and already had IC at the time, but am getting way too old to recall how we dealt with the issue way back then...I think, though, that the best way to deal with this is to minimize your partner's responsibility/ guilt in this issue -- explain that you have had flairs before and lived, and if the 2 of you accidently cause one, it will just be a learning experience in preventing future sex - related flares. Explain that at 1st you had no idea what made you flare, you have learned more and more from experience how to remain comfortable and such a learning experience is no big deal and should not turn into an emotional issue in the relationship. Emphasize that it is not your partner hurting you, it is the IC hurting you. Emphasize also that it is important to you to enjoy the finer things in life including sex in spite of your illness and pain, and you don't want to be denied sex on the grounds that you are too 'delicate' and might 'break'. Most people don't know about IC, so when they meet someone with IC they have only us to explain it - so if you explain it as an annoyance and something that limits you at times, but not an emotionally charged horror story, your partner should accept this. If you never blame your partner or cause emotional drama over your physical symptoms, and yet your partner continues to have a morbid hang-up about hurting you, and this is obsessive enough to damage your relationship, this might not be a very emotionally healthy person for you.

[deviation72]

Hi Karen,

Thankyou *so* much for this advice. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I especially like the idea that it is not my partner hurting me but the IC. And yes, I've had many, many flare ups before and survived. I will share your ideas with my new partner and hopefully this will reduce her stress about it too... as you say very few people have heard of IC and she'd certainly never heard of it before she met me. Once again, many thanks for your great advice!

*~deviation72~*

[jaime15]

I think it's great she wants to learn more about it with you. That's a great ~sign~.
I started dating and was engaged in a few months. When we became intimate right before marriage I was upfront. He is 11 years older than me. So I guess he thought he could take a chance on my bladder since I took a chance on his age. The thing is he had his first kidney stone last year and wouldn't dare look at me wrong now, if I'm flaring.LOL lmao lmao
I think we're a good match. wink
Point is be upfront and that should help alot.
And when I learned I had IC, I asked my uro, a dumb question now that I look back, if I could "give" IC to anyone. He reassured me it wasn't that kind of disease. Whew!
Take care!

[poetgirl]

I started a new relationship several months ago and had a lot of anxiety about having to disclose my IC, overactive bladder and vulvodynia symptoms with my boyfriend. I had been on Elmiron and Detrol LA for only a couple of months and had just started Elavil, so I was only sporadically getting relief from my symptoms at the time. I was very concerned that I was constantly going to end up having flares or that I would have to limit our sex life. Fortunately, the medications really have helped me but more importantly it helped my self-esteem that my boyfriend was very understanding and supportive, and did research on his own to learn more about the symptoms, etc. He definitely would not want to do anything that would cause me discomfort or pain, and if he even senses that I might be masking any discomfort in order to please him, he'll ask me if I'm OK or let me know we can stop. I think it's important to feel like you can communicate openly, and that intimacy and affection are valued higher than just sex. Good luck!

[deviation72]

Hi Jaime & Poetgirl,

Hi and thanks so much for your advice! Your advice has made me feel a lot better. I think I was feeling like I might get dumped because my partner would get sick of it all. But I think if I am communicative and give her as much info as I can, and we learn together what's OK and what's not, then I will be OK. So thanks, again... you don't know how good I feel to know I can come to this BB and get some advice and support.

*~ deviation72 ~*

[Nicole in ATL]

I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

I began to get really sick at the beginning of a new relationship. I was diagnosed with IC around that time. I've also had chronic bladder infections since 17 and often get them after sex.

The man I was dating did stick it out with me and we are about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. Hope to be engaged soon!

But my advice is to take advantage of the times when you feel o.k. Get out and do things. Tell your partner when you are feeling pretty decent and not only the times when you feel really bad.
That usually doesn't come naturally, we often only bring up our health and how we feel when it is bad.

As far as sex goes, I think you learn strategies that help, although it can be trial and error. I have a system of things that helps me prevent infections and also limit flares. Take antibiotic, rinse very well or shower afterwards, drink extra water afterwards, pee afterwards, and use cold pack to minimize pain or discomfort.

It is definitely a challenge maintaining a healthy relationship with IC.

Nicole

[Melis 26]

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