Help....boyfriend vs ex husband

[YankeeCandle224 Guest Find all posts View Profile Close YankeeCandle224]

I wrote somewhere on this board that my ex husband and I are getting back together after about 6 1/2 years of seperation.

The other day, I called my bf, dont know why really, but I did and told him I was going to the ER at 5:30 in the morning and the husband was taking me.

After some time in the ER, then having the IVP and other x rays done, they took me to my room, where my bf was standing there waiting on me! Well, I about DIED right there as these two have never met, and here I am feeling like I'm dying (and could of been with the e.coli), and my husband asks him if I asked the bf to come, and he told my husband that no, I'd just called to tell him I was going.

I'm having issues, major ones. My boyfriend loves me more than life itself and lately, with him knowing that he's losing me, he's really come through and I hear the hurt in his voice on the phone if we talk.

I know that moving back with the ex husband is best for my kids, best for me physically and financially, but now I'm second guessing what I was so gung ho over. Am I giving up the man that I REALLY love? I never had that spark/butterflies with the husband, but every time the boyfriend touches me, even to hold my hand, I know that I love him.

I'm so torn. The kids know Daddy and Mommy are getting together, getting a house, restarting our lives. But, what if I'm losing that one true soul mate? He waited for 3 hours for me to get to my room according to the RN who checked me into my room.

I'm sitting here sobbing. This was a long term relationship, of a couple years talking as friends online, then meeting after my seperation, and so we've been together a very long time, through a lot, he had kidney cancer, also has crohns, and has been by my side at every doctor's appt, etc.

I feel now that I'm stuck, because I cant devastate my kids, I'll NEVER let them go through a seperation again, it was so hard on them. I thought things would work out with husband, but how can I go on every day and stay faithful, and miss the man I really love, not just care for and HOPE to love like I love the bf.

I dont know what to do. I know I have to go on and follow through with moving in with the husband, and buying the house...........but GOD I am going to miss this man, so very much, he's part of my soul.

On top of being so sick I have this added stress too.......What if one only gets one chance for a soul mate? What if I've found him, which I feel I have, but want whats best for my children, not for me? How about me? What do I do? I'm so torn and I miss him already.

He sat next to my bed 90% of my hospital stay and had his chair turned to face me. I told him he could turn around so he could see the tv, he told me he couldnt see me if he did that.

I'm in such a mess. I dont know what to do, but know I MUST do whats best for my children, no matter what and that the husband and I can and do get along and have fun, I just dont love him like I love the bf.....I cant take much more as I'm an emotional and physical mess.

Love, Sandy

[ICNJess Support Volunteers Find all posts View Profile Close ICNJess]

Sandy,

Wow. What a predicament. I know that you want to do what's best for your kids, but do they like your bf? Maybe you should sit them down and ask how they feel about your bf. I have no idea what you are going through and have no experience here. But I wish you all the luck in the world.


Hugs and love,
Jess

[Dixiefireball ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dixiefireball]

i know your children are the most important thing in your life i know mine are but you must be happy too. if your not happy with your husband its not going to work and you are putting your baby's threw hell again.
if you love this bf and if the children will except him i would break off the moving in back with my husband go for what you really want in life.
just remember we only have one life to live why not try to make it a happy one.
now that is just the way i feel about what i have read from your post.
you have been threw alot the way it sounds and you dont need more stress right now but if your not happy then surely the stress is there.
Good Luck and remember we will stand behind you on what ever you do.
Hope you are doing better.
I really think that is sweet of him to wait on you that long.
and on the other hand it was sweet of your husband to take you to the er and stay with you.
dear you are in a mess but remember to follow your heart.

[Cali girl ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Cali girl]

It sounds like maybe you need some time to really think about this. Don't forget about you. You matter in the relationship. Marriage is not just for the children but for you too. Remember your children have a father. They will always have him. But you need to be happy too. Don't just settle. Do what will truly make you happy. You have to look at the big picture. And then look at it piece by piece. Just make sure that your happiness is in that picture too. This is such a big decision that only you can make. Really think about it. Don't make any quick decisions. This is your life too. I know it is so much harder when children are involved. I wish you luck!

grouphug kissing

Cali

[auntiedeb Angel watching over us Find all posts View Profile Close auntiedeb]

grouphug grouphug grouphug I have no suggetsions here cause I have never been in this precidament. but Igo with the others. You need to follow your heart and be happy with you and your children. It sounds like the bf is good one to keep. How do the kids feel about him? they will always have thier father. Will you be happy with the kids father? Will you two be able to get along in front of the childreN? Will you be able to let go of the boyfriend? these are hard questions to ask yourself. You have alot of soul searching to do. I will be praying for you. You need to be happy so that your babies will be happy. If your not happy, the babies won't be. gentle hugs to you. angel

[dyno Support Leader Find all posts View Profile Close dyno]

Sandy,
You are really in a tough situation. I will tell you this from personal experience. I tried to stay in my marriage with my ex husband for years because it was the right thing to do for the kids. In the end, I couldn't do it. If the love is not there, you just can't make it happen. If you aren't happy it will be worse for the kids than better.

In your sitation, only you can make that choice but at this point in time I would not jump into to anything as big a buying a house or anything.
You need time and you have to think of yourself. Your kids will be with you for a short time and then it is you and your husband. So take your time and think things through. Just know we are here for you no matter what you decide. Feel free to PM me.

Jolene kissing

[tigger_gal ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close tigger_gal]

Hi Sandy,
Um wow this is hard and from past experience I too was right in your sit.. I went back for my child. I was not happy and everyone knew it. Mistake #1 I went back into a relationship for my child not me.. Your children love daddy and of course thats what they want.. but thats not what you want hun.. You love your b/f he was there for you. he loves you.. this is really what you need... Tell your children they can see daddy any time they want and thell your ex husband that it wont work, and your sorry, but, please come see the kids anytime... ok here I am telling you what to do I am so sorry but you really sound like you love this man unconditionally.. will you ever love your ex that way? why did you divorce (question for you to ask yourself) Will it work out? I wish you the very best of luck and I know this is playing on your heart...
hugs
Brat

[YankeeCandle224 Guest Find all posts View Profile Close YankeeCandle224]

Thanks as always to you guys. One MAJOR point I forgot to add to this is that my kids do not like my bf, at all. They have known him a long time, and he made some mistakes, he wasnt ready for the 3 kids years ago, and now he is so gung ho, ready to do anything for them at all, and they dont want to see his face.

HE messed up and regrets it. We went to counseling and the counselor told me I was the MOM and it was MY life and I DESERVED to be happy.

The problem lies in this. He had his chance to make a good relationship with my kids, and now that he's trying, its too late. My kids are very smart, and in the beginning they felt like a burden when he was here.

We tried to change that feeling of being a burden for my children, but it's too late. They really hate him now.....and it breaks my heart.

At this point in our relationship I expected to be moved in with him, engaged, etc....I'm protecting my kids now and only speak to him when I have privacy and they dont know he has called.

I dont know how to help the bf make ammends with my children. They ALL tell me its too late. And now with the plans with the husband, well, I'm jut sunk, sad, and so depressed. I miss him being around.

Most people wouldnt complain about two men wanting them and loving them unconditionally, but in this case its hard........very hard. Please keep the advice coming, I really need help.

Love, and thanks, Sandy

[ICNJess Support Volunteers Find all posts View Profile Close ICNJess]

Sandy,

This is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, right? Do your kids want Mom to be happy? Sit down with them and have a heart to heart, tell them to at least try to give him a 2nd chance, for your sake. Maybe they'll listen. It's worth a try.

Hugs and love,
Jess

[Cali girl ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Cali girl]

Sometimes children just do not like who their parents are seeing. After all, they love their parents and want them to be together. Talk to them. Let them know that your boyfriend is not trying to take the place of their father. Tell your children just how much you and your boyfriend really do love each other. Let them know that he is in your life for good. And that he is important to you. It is never easy. And also it is not too late to change your mind regarding moving in with your ex and buying a house. Ultimately the decision is yours. And your happiness matters.

Cali

[dyno Support Leader Find all posts View Profile Close dyno]

One thing I learned in my divorce and remarriage was that the kids learn to manipulate situations. My kids were around 11-13 years old. Well, they many times did not like my new husband, in fact, my daughter moved out and went to live with her dad. She went through a lot of BS with him the years she lived with him and his new wife. They took her to a counsler who basically said she didn't have the problem they did. Then the real kicker was in the middle of her senior year in high school, he kicked her out at Thanksgiving because she wanted to spend it with us. She was mad when she moved out at 14 but over the years we have gotten real close. In fact, she moved to where we live now, 750 miles from where she was, to be closer to us.

So just remember, kids play games. It is a power struggle and they manipulate. They will play one against the other. You don't say how old the kids are, but remember, this is your life. Kids also need to learn forgiveness and trust. You would not put them in a bad situation. I suggest like the others to really talk to them about this, but ultimately, it is your decision, not the kids.

Jolene