uncomfortable silence or painful fun

[Lisa1979]

BEFORE SEX
When I don't give my hubby sex it's like I am a stranger in my own home. We only talk when needed, he watches tv every minute he is home. complaining,(click,click),more complaining. Has attitude when I ask him anything and everything. Complains that dinner is too raw, too well done, or just plain don't like it. Asks me what I have done all day like taking care of the kids isn't enough. If I walk in his precious tool filled garage he is out there right after I walk out there. "what are you doing? Don't scratch my truck" I am sick of it.

AFTER SEX
He comes up to me and grabs my butt or hugs me for no reason. Tells me he loves me from out of the blue. Sometimes and I will repeat, SOMETIMES, helps clear off the table after dinner. We have pillow fights and some mornings the kids and us sit in our bed and wrestle. He'll actually put something on the tv we will all watch instead of WWF or junkyard wars which I am getting use to.

My point being, either I don't have sex and feel good physically or have sex and feel good mentally. Can anyone relate?

Thanks for listening,

Lisa1979

[ICNJess]

Hi Lisa--

I am sorry that you are going through this. I wonder about men sometimes, about what their problem is. I was talking to a male friend of mine online last night, and he was talking about sex and this girl that he likes. He said that he functions better when he has sex or has the prospect of sex, but when there is none his life is kind of...blah.

Isn't that strange? I wish I had some advice to give you, but I guess if it were me, I would sit my husband down and say, "What is the problem here? When we don't have sex, you are completely inattentive to me, but when we do, you act so wonderfully to me." And then add that it takes a toll on you physically, and you need some time to heal and have the meds work, if sex makes you flare.

Hugs,
Jess grouphug grouphug kissing

[tigger_gal]

Lisa,
hun, my husband is the same... and boy the thoughts that went thru my mind were horrible... One Day on the way home from work I gathered enough courage to tell him how i felt and wht i thought, it was something like... you know I love you but, I can't deal with your moods lately, you ignore me or you talk my head off (alternate days) so it is me tell me now, if not you need to see someone.... well now he is being treated for depression...
Brat

[lisa35]

Hi Lisa1979,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. My suggestion would be to seek some counseling. Reading the description of your husband's behavior, I would bet he is not willing to seek marriage counseling, but you can go for you. I hate to hear someone of your young age going through this type of mental abuse. I was married to a man 15 years my senior, for 10 years. He had an attitude similar to your husband's. He thought it was my marital DUTY to please him. My husband used many manipulation tactics and one of his favorites was to treat me worse than his worst enemy if he did not get his way. We seperated three different times and I finally gathered the courage to divorce him 2 and a half years ago. I just re-married in July to a wonderful man with a completely different philosophy. He believes that sex is somewhat of a "fringe benefit" of marriage but the "heart" of the relationship is love and companionship. There are times that I do try to take care of his needs, when I am not feeling well but I NEVER let him think that I feel obligated to do so. You are in a really tough situation. I think the counsel of a professional would be best for you. No one deserves to be mistreated or manipulated because their partner doesn't get their way. Bottom line, this is an immature man that is pouting because he didn't get his sex. What about you? What about your needs? It sounds as if the relationship is a little unbalanced. I hated the way my former husband used to make me feel.

I am sure your hubby has some great qualities. And I am sure this is something you can work through with a little help and understanding. But try to stop this behavior before it goes on too long.

Wishing you the very best,

Lisa

[Dianne]

My husband wouldn't be remotely intersted in sex unless I wanted it too. And at any point in the "session" if I wasn't enjoying it, he would want to stop. That's because he prioritizes my needs over his in the bedroom and he does it every single time. That's called maturity as described in the previous post. His desire is to first to please me, not himself. There are times I wish he could be more touchy feely or ask how I am and give warm fuzzies, but he just isn't that kind of guy. I have women friends that can do that. But he supports all my goals in life, makes no demands and wants nothing more than to see me happy. You've heard the saying "I didn't have relationships, I took hostages." I thought of that when you described what you're living with. I wish we had gotten more than 3 years together before I got IC, but we're just dealing with it one day at a time. I didn't meet Ron til I was 36 and he was 40 and it was definitely worth the wait.
Dianne in Montana happily married coming up on 11 years.

[ICNDonna]

My IC was diagnosed two years after I was married and we celebrated 31 years last April. We have managed to have a satisfying sexual relationship, but it took a lot of time. There are times when sex is painful, and he never ever makes me feel I am less loved because of this. When I am in pain, he holds me and it makes me feel better.

I agree that seeing a marriage counselor could be a real help to you. And if he won't go, go alone. If nothing else, you can learn how to best deal with him.

Sending an encouraging hug,
Donna

[Kelli]

Lisa,
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this along with everything else. I agree with everyone else that he needs some help. And if he's not willing to do so, you need to tell him how you feel and how it makes you feel when he treats you like you don't exist. Even if you can't say it to him, put into words on a piece of paper. maybe it will help wake him up if you tell him exactly how you feel. My husband and I had a similar relationship before we separated. If he would try to initiate sex and I would refuse, he would give me the silent treatment for sometimes weeks at a time. He says the only time a woman shouldn't have sex is during her period, any other time she should be "open for business" whenever HE wants. I finally got SICK to DEATH of his analogy and told him point blank how it was going to be. I think it shocked him more than anything that I had finally gained the courage to go against him. He was ok for awhile after that. About 6 months later he tried the same thing and again I stopped him dead in his tracks. The last year or so we were together, he would ask me how I was feeling about an hour before bedtime. I would know why he was asking and just tell him, Yes or No. You are a member of that household and an equal partner in the marriage. You have the same rights he does. If you don't feel well and don't feel like having sex, you shouldn't have to. If he was sick and didn't feel like it, he wouldn't do it right? you just have to put your foot down and tell him how he makes you feel and that you can't deal with that anymore. I would try to talk to him on one of his good days, he will be more open to suggestion and he may even agree to seek counseling. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers. Sometimes the people that hurt us the most, are the people we love the most.


Kelli

[Lisa1979]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and support. When I make my stand I'll be sure to post the results. As most of you said, he IS the kind of guy who would refuse couseling, I tried last year. He says,"If I cannot deal with my own problems, no couseler will be able to either." Whatever....he just don't want to spend money, he never does. We go out to eat together maybe 1 time a year, go somewhere as a family(like the zoo)maybe 1x every 2 years. Our last family thing was summer of 2001 we went to the shed aquarium in chicago.

Lisa1979

[Iris]

Oh Lisa I feel like you are going through so much in dealing with all this plus IC on top of it all. Also you are so young to have to deal with this sort of behaviour and raise a family at the same time, this should be one of the happiest times with husband and young family. Well you know we are here for you and will give you all the support we can, hope that things can turn around for you and your kids and better times be in your future, all the best and hugs Iris kissing grouphug grouphug

[Lisa1979]

No prob movnfwd55! You are in fact right. Also, I am hanging my dirty laundry out there and I expect people to give me their honest opinion on my position. I would like to hear about how someone else would see it. Really....you were not out of line.

Lisa1979 (yeah, that is the year I was born)