Do you feel guilty?

[ICNJess]

I feel kinda guilty because I can't be intimate with my hubby. He's very understanding and is willing to wait till I am able to. He assures me that he loves me, doesn't want to hurt me, and that he doesn't mind waiting...but I feel guilty.

And I guess I'm a little paranoid, and I wonder why he is willing to wait? I trust him completely, besides he has no time to look elsewhere for love, we are together all the time, except when he is at work, but then he calls me from there on the work phone (shhh) and he goes to school, but he calls me from school between classes and tells me that he misses me and loves me. *sigh* I think that's why I feel guilty.

Sorry to unload, thanks for listening.

Jess grouphug

[Iris]

Oh Jess, your husband sounds like he is a sweetie, phoning you and bringing those beautiful roses to you after your surgery. I am sure he understands what you are going through. I know my husband is sorta quiet with what he is feeling, but he does little things, like yesterday, he knows I love cheesy rolls, which by the way I can eat with no side affects. He had to go out for a chiropracter appointment and I asked him to pick up some milk, when he came back he had the milk, but also had stopped by the bakery and bought me some cheesy rolls as he knows I love them. He does a lot of little things like that and it means a lot. I know how busy your husband must be working and going to school, my husband did the same thing when we were first married and yet your hubby takes time out to call you, that shows you are one special lady. I think you have a thoughtful hubby, who is there when you need him. Take care and look after each other.Don't feel guilty I am sure he would not want you to, hugs Iris hi grouphug

[dyno]

It is good that you can have that kind of communication and respect and understanding of the physical problems you have.
Without going into details because of the potential for young readers, remember there are so many different ways to physically take care of your husband or wife. If you are not able to physically handle all aspects with good communication and willingness to try different things you can have a very satisfying relationship in that regard.

Jolene

[tigger_gal]

Hi Jess,
at times I do and at times I don't feel guilty. I think we all kind of go thru this..
Brat

[virgo]

Hi Jess,

I know how you feel. One night I cried so hard that I could barely breathe. I was whaling and choking for air. My face was soaking wet from the tears. That day hardest I had cried in a long, long time. My Husband and I talked openly about how I felt. He assured me that he would love me no matter what. He said that I was worth it and that I was still I inside. I really did believe that his love for me was strong but I could not help feeling guilty. I felt like I had tricked him into falling in love with a healthy normal girl and now he was stuck in love with someone with an incurable disease. We been married for 14th years. Now for 1 year we havn't been intimate. he doesn't want to hurt me, and that he doesn't mind waiting..........I hope that help you. Matter fact my health bring both of us closer to each other. Your hubby sound like very nice guy. You are lucky Jess.

[poetgirl]

Jess,

Your husband is willing to wait because he loves you and values you as a complete human being. Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship, and as it was pointed out above, there are ways to remain intimate with your husband aside from having intercourse. If you are having a day where you feel well enough, surprise him by being a little frisky with him (if you know what I mean.) Even little things, like gazing into each other's eyes while caressing each other can be very erotic and build intimacy. He sounds like the kind of man who is appreciative, so any effort on your part will go a long way. And what a lucky woman you are to have such a caring and thoughtful husband! He sounds like a great catch.

[patticake]

My boyfriend has been the most understanding man I have ever known, Jess, your hubby sounds a lot like mine.I have been sick more than I've been well for the last year and we started going together a little over year ago. For the last 2 months I have really been out of comission, He told me that he loved me for who I am not for the sexual part of it. I am now feeling a lot better than I have in a while. we still have only had sex 3 times since I had surgery, [glad to find that everything still works OK.] I am 5 weeks post-op now. My IC hasn't bothered me too much lately either. I am looking forward to having more intimate times with him soon!!!I hope you have a lot of good times too. kissing kissing

[ICNJess]

Thanks everyone. I just feel guilty sometimes because, well I guess because I can't carry out my "wifely" duties. Well he is ok with that, and that's all that matters. Thanks for listening, he is a keeper, and I love him so much. grouphug

[tcbc1989]

Hi Jess,
I feel the same guilt.
But my hubby is very understanding.
He surprised me 2 years ago with a trip to Hawaii..( he told me to pack for tropical weather) and surprised me when angel we renewed our wedding vows at the little chapel in Pearl Harbor and stayed at the same hotel we did on our honeymoon. He bought a tux and looked better than he did when i married him 17 years earlier. He never makes me feel guilty but I feel like I have failed him as a wife. That is something I am trying to work thru because the guilt is from me and not from him. But I know h.ow you feel.....Tina C

[louise]

Hi Jess,

I think it is normal for all of us to feel some measure of guilt because we can't make love to the one we love. But at the same time, the way I try to look at it is that none of us asked for this terrible disease, none of us did anything to cause us to have this terrible disease, and none of us wishes we had this terrible disease. This applies to a lot of diseases and conditions that exist, not just IC. I have a young friend in her thirties who just had major surgeries due to Crohn's. Her life was irreversibly changed at a young age due to "this terrible disease". And yet she is the most loving, most caring and most compassionate friend I could ever hope to have.
She is always more concerned about ME than she is about HERSELF!

My husband I have been married for 35 years this coming November and I can honestly say I don't remember the last time we had what you would call "sex". My husband is also the most loving, caring and compassionate man I could ever have hoped to be married to all this time. He DOESN'T want us to have sex because he is almost paranoid about causing me more pain. We do cuddle, we do kiss and we do hold one another but that is the full extent of our "sex" life. For me, I can't even imagine having intercourse due to the constant urinary and low back pain I live with.

So I don't think any of us have anything to feel guilty about. Did we ask for this terrible disease? No, of course not. We would all love to get rid of it at the drop of a hat, if not sooner! But for some reason we have been afflicted with this debilitating condition and most of us will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. Just saying that makes me want to cry. Sometimes if I dwell on that fact I almost want to scream because the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is enough to drive me crazy. And one of the things I miss most in my life is being able to have my husband make love to me but I doubt that will ever happen again.

Now that I have said my piece on the soap box, I will let someone else give their view on the subject.

Happy Kissing, Happy Cuddling, and Happy Hugging,

Louise

bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny

[Iris]

Hi Louise, I really enjoyed your post. Had some time this evening so thought I would check back in on the boards and so glad I did. Your post is quite true, I have been married 38 years this May and was not diagnosed with IC until last June, went through several months of pain and going from doctor to ER before I was diagnosed, so up til then everything was normal for us including our sex lives. After the diagnosis and several surgeries, everything went out of the window so to speak and I just wanted to be held and cuddled, which my terrific husband was happy to do as it knew what I was going through. My sex drive was nil until a few months ago, when I was feeling more like myself and we have had sex a couple of times and I hurt a little, not much, but he has been great and understands that things are not like they used to be and will still can be close, he often touches me in passing or just ruffles my hair when he passes my chair, sounds like a song doesnt it? But like you said we did not ask for this disease and I think your post was very interesting, at least we are still alive and kicking all of us, and just adjusting our sex lives to being close in other ways and still supporting each other every day, wow I am rambling on here, take care and thanks for the post, hugs Iris hi hat

[ICNJess]

That is true, I did not ask for this disease. And I know that there is a lot more that can be done other than the actual art of love making. It's just that we want to start a family, and I so desperately want children. Well we aren't going to try for another year or longer, but it would be nice to enjoy marriage a little more in that sense before a baby, if you know what I mean.

He doesn't make me feel guilty--just kinda feel that way on my own. If it's not one ailment, it's another bugging me. *Sigh* Thanks for listening, again.

[poetgirl]

Jess,

I didn't think I was going to be able to have much of a sex life ever again either, what with IC, UTIs and VV sneaking up on me all the time. But over time (and with lots of medications, supplements and TLC) I've been able to resume activities. I'm sure you and your hubby will be able to start a family -- and enjoy some fun before then. It just might not happen the way you envisioned. At least you have each other and I know his support and concern must mean a lot to you.

Did you have the interstim done yet?

[ICNJess]

Hey Poet--

Interstim trial leads are in, permanent device goes in a week from today and I can't wait!! Sick of having wires coming out of my back, lol, but I just remind myself that I'm doing so much better with my bladder, so it's worth it.

[Teri]

GUILT has become my name. For the last 2 years I've been sick and in and out of hospitals. I've been dealing with a husband who is over worked and definately over stressed and that only makes the guilt worse. Our health insurance and co-pays are killing us and all's I can do is lay in the bed and feel guilt.

The last year has been quite the test for our 13 years of marriage. There were more times than not that we were going to file because we were making each other feel so rotten. We have spent alot of weekends with his parents this summer and so many things have changed. They have seen exactly what this disease does to me AND they got to see exactly how their son speaks and acts when he's with me. His mother has set her 54 years old son straight more than once over the last few months. During the last fight we had I suggested to him that he show me just 1/2 the respect he shows his parents and if that doesn't work, we'll bring in the lawyers.
Welp, it's working blink No, it's not all heaven on earth but at least it's not the total he$$ we were both living. He bends over backwards for his parents (they are both 78) and he never complains. He cuts their grass every week, shovels snow, keeps gutters clean, makes sure their truck is running and replaces tires if need be. ETC ETS. But, when I'd ask him to pick something up at the drug store, which is a direct shot to our house, there would be a 3 day fight so I just stopped asking. I also stopped speaking. I couldn't say anything right and I couldn't stand the fighting anymore so I stopped talking all together.
When I got sick last month with panceritis was when I asked to be treated 1/2 as well as his parents. His father had been in the hospital a few weeks before my attack and my husband spent hours there. While I was in, he'd literally hit and run. Well, on one of his runs I told him how I felt. Then, when the dr came in I told the dr (infront of husband) about all the guilt and stress I felt and why. W O W eek eek eek did he rip my husband a new one! My recovery has been very slow. I'm scheduled for a hydro on the 16th of OCT plus on thursday I will find out about another surgery date for a new problem that just popped up and he's not loosing it.
He's been to the dr's 3 times since my pancreitis (during the blackout :cool: ) and he's been read the riot act every time about how his mood affects my illness.
I'm still feeling guilty but I don't feel as heavy because I have finally been lead to someone who was able to take some of the load off me.
Another reason we can never give up~