Am I invisable?

[Teri]

I stay in this house, sick all the time. I do usually have at least 1 dr's appt a week so those are my treat days where I can really get dressed, put make-up on, do my hair. It's the only day I don't feel invisable, I feel like I am a part of the real world.

Welp, after the dentist today we had to take my car in and I'm in the middle of a conversation and out of the blue the husband starts taking about something completely different and I say "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING".....(he does this ALL the time and since I've been so sick I'm completely out of patience)it just adds to the feeling of isoulation. It's another shot in the arm that says I'm not important. Now he's pouting and won't speak to me (darn ). And, he wonders why I choose to spend all of my time in my bedroom. It's the only place I feel safe frown

[auntiedeb]

grouphug grouphug grouphug grouphug

[ICNJess]

Hi Teri--

Sorry you are going through all of this. That's pretty rude of hubby. I can relate to only getting out for doc appt's and what not. I can understand why you were so upset when he interrupts and starts talking. Grr. Men. Ask Brat about men lol.

Hugs,
Jess grouphug kissing

[poetgirl]

Teri,

I know that's got to be frustrating. It sounds to me more like a communication or respect issue between the two of you that doesn't really have a whole lot to do with your having IC, although having IC probably makes you feel a lot more vulnerable as a result.

This article on "Love Busters" might be helpful to you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap..._lovebust.html

I went through something similar at one point in my marriage and although my marriage didn't work out, it actually wasn't because of our communication skills. We had gone to counseling and we learned how to communicate more effectively and respectfully with each other, and it was very helpful, although he wasn't always nurturing or understanding when my IC/VV problems really flared up. That had a lot more to do with how he was raised (very stoic) than it was about his level of concern. My husband and I can't be married to each other for because we had other problems, but we are still friendly and most of our separation discussions have been actually very caring and supportive.

Anyway, hang in there and try to see if you can sit down calmly to talk with your husband (without anger) about how you felt when he acted that way towards you. grouphug

[KarenNielsen]

I feel like a little bit of an authority because, having married my high school honey, I have been married my entire adult life. I don't think this is about him thinking you are irrelevant because you have IC, it probably has to do with his family of origin and their communication style - he didn't realize he was doing something rude but got yelled at anyway so this is why he is sulking. Better method: Bring it up at a quiet time when no one is mad and in an empathetic manner: "Honey, I realize you do not mean it in the bad way I am taking it, but a few times recently you have interrupted to start a new topic when I am in the middle of talking. It might not bother you or another person so much if someone did this, but I am stuck in the house a lot due to my illness, feeling isolated and invisible. So, this is a sore spot for me. I would really appreciate your listening and acknowledging when I talk and not interrupting. I realize it may be a hard habit for you to break so how about we have a code word, and when you do the thing that makes me mad rather than geting angry and yelling I will say the code word and you can excuse yourself"
Something like that. write a letter if you do not trust yourself to say it. The point is, do not be accusatory and act like he has assaulted you with malice; if you show him empathy but still insist that your needs be met he is likely to fall into line. There is passivity (being stepped on), aggressiveness (what you did in the car), and assertiveness, which is promoting the rights of both yourself and the other person. An assertive statement starts with the acknowledgement of the other's validity, then states your feelings and view of the problem, then suggests a solution that does not degrade either of you. Assertiveness acually does work. good luck, K.