He just doesn't get it....

[RAS6 ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close RAS6]

I had such a bad fight with my husband tonight and I am so scared and alone right now. He is unhappy with his job and angry that I am not well enough to work and it always comes out when he is mad. My IC is so out of control and while I think I found the right Doc, it is going to take time. He was angry tonight that the laundry is piling up and I forgot to get his clean towels out of the dryer. We have to go outside through TONS of snow and down to the basement to do laundry and with the pain I have been having today it was SO hard to carry that basket. He just doesn't get it! He insinuated that I am lazy because I took a nap with the kids today(I am on so many drugs that make me tired) and he insinuates that I use pain as an excuse to sit around while he works. He is also angry that we haven't had sex in weeks(again, he thinks I use pain as an excuse). I apologize to him all the time when dishes and laundry pile up, or things don't get done. I know he is frustrated and doesn't mean it, but it hurts so much when he treats me like this! I do work part time, but have had few hours this month, and I take care of our two girls and the house the best I can. I keep trying to get him to read some articles through here about IC and chronic pain or go to a therapist or even the doctor with me, but he says I am trying to diagnose him. Also, after two years without periods (between an IUD and Depo) I actually had a period today and it is making my pain HORRIBLE! I just hate this disease so much! I feel am losing everything I have worked so hard to have: my family, my husband, my self respect, my dignity. I think that he gets it, but then when something little and trivial doesn't go his way, he just explodes and all these feelings he denies having come out.
I feel bad posting this here, but I just feel like no one else understands. I had just graduated from college and was ready to work in a field I am passionate about and then BAM! The pain and symptoms got out of control. I can hardly leave my house any more and the treatments I have tried left me wetting myself in public, losing hair, having nausea almost every day and so tired. I don't like to get my family involved with my personal life because they tend to harbor bad feelings so I hate to talk to them about this stuff. There are days I would just give ANYTHING to have things back to normal and I think it is just going to get worse before it gets better. It is so hard when the person youlove the most doesn't know you at all anymore. I don't even feel like me today, just an empty, defeated shell of who I used to be.

[ICNDonna ICN Staff Find all posts View Profile Close ICNDonna]

Have you seen a counselor? If not, I think it would be a good idea. And if your husband won't go with you, go alone.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[tigger_gal ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close tigger_gal]

Hi Rachel..
I know where you are coming from.. I live/lived your life.

Fisrt off and foremost YOU ARE NOT LAZY!!! he dose not live in your body.

Secondly He has arms, he can go and get his towels, or not have them at all.

Thirdly ; You DO NOT owe him any apology... you are his wife not his maid.

He lives there like you, marriage is not a 50/50 deal it may be 20/80. 60/40 or 10/90..

a few weeks ago I got tired of asking for people to do sruff around here.. so I quit! yep I sure did, and boy did war start here.. here is how a week went here
Did you wash my jeans............ later.
later did you wash my jeans......... tomorrow
when is dinner........ later
how much is in the check book..... didn't balance it........
same question 2 days later........ same answer
are you going to get milk.... nope.. well if I have ceral there won't be any.. then eat it dry!
did you wash towels... nope...
what box is dinner coming out of.. I don't are we lucky enough to have a box something??

the past week.........
I haven't picked up any toys.
I havent done any laundery
I havent vaccummed
I haven't fed the dogs..
I am on strike....... and as long as they think I am there maid, I will contiue to be laid off.. its not like I get paid!

any way the long and short of it is.. we are in pain, we do become exhausted, and he is a man...

I get from mine, I go to work every day, and you don't do ****.. bla bla bla, well when I stopped he realized what I did do every day. I'm just wondering how many more loads of clothes hubby will wash...... I told my daughter the next time she lives dinner dises over night sh will find them in her bed.

Maybe if you get hubby to go to some of your uro appts with you, and have the doctor explain how IC makes you feel it would help greatly..

I have a great idea.. a chat for couples.. let me throw it Jills way.

[RAS6 ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close RAS6]

Donna, I am planning on it. I just want to find someone who deala with chronically ill patients and in my small town there is no one. I am going to call a therapist in a different city. The problem is getting there. It is an hour and half drive and driving is becoming nearly impossible. I did order a seat cushion yesterday, hopefully that will help.

[RAS6 ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close RAS6]

tiggergal, I wish I had your moxy! Going on strike sounds great! This has been such a rough week, I had a breast biopsy, my 7 year old has been home alot from school b/c of snow (and she has adhd and is so wound up!), the snow just won't stop and after he leaves for work I am on my own trying to shovel (that was an experience!) and keep things under control. Even my sweet 2 year old has been throwing tantrums, making endless messes and testing limits! Come to think of it even the cat has been making messes and testing limits! Plus getting a period after two years, thatw as a shocker! I forgot how bad they were for me! The sad thing is that I try so hard to please him and everyone else in my life and no one notices. I know it is something I have to work on, just hard to know where to start. I had so many teenage years of rebellion and BAD choices that even 8 years later I still am trying to prove to everyone that I am a good mom, wife, etc. The only good thing about IC is that I have to take care of myself now, no choice or I can't function AT ALL!
I think part of the problem is that he got used to me doing so much. When I met him he was very independent and functional and now he gets home from working and thats it. He does get tired and things have been bad there, but I listen and hug him and try to keep my mouth shut and let him talk. I wish he could do the same sometimes.....

[izazen ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close izazen]

I will pray for you and hope things improve for you and your family.

Tigger gal - please feed those dogs - they shouldn't be punished as they haven't done anything wrong.

[Sarojini Support Leader Find all posts View Profile Close Sarojini]

I think it's pretty common for a man's frustrations with EVERYTHING to come out over one petty thing (like the clean towels being left in the dryer) when they are stressed out. It sounds like your hubby has stress outside the home with work, and that is a big issue -- many men define themselves partially by their jobs, and if they aren't happy there it spills over into everything else, including their relationships with family... maybe ESPECIALLY relationships with the family. We always hurt the ones we love best, unfortunately.

I know my husband has had some episodes during high stress periods at work -- I remember I asked him once to light a fire in the wood stove one evening after work because I was sore after working all day myself and couldn't deal with lifting the logs into the stove. He just exploded at me and yelled about how much he did at work, and how he just wanted to relax when he came home, but instead he had to do "all this stuff" because I didn't want to do anything myself after work.

It was hurtful, but we managed to drag the fight back into the realm of the rational and talked about a lot of things. I think he understands more about me and how I feel (the IC, the fibro, the dislike of my current job, the feeling that I'm trapped in it, at the time my impending Interstim surgery) and I understand that he's got the same dislike for his boss and desire to just escape when he gets home.

Now, even if I am sore, we build the fire together... I crumple newspaper and help with the kindling, and he puts all the big logs in and maintains the fire.

I guess it's kind of a symbol for the rest of our relationship -- we are building our own fire together to keep ourselves warm and safe within our relationship. Now, we try to do things with a more "together" attitude; if I see the dishes need to be put away, I do it; if he sees that someplace the robot vacuum can't go needs to be vacuumed, he does it because I can't. We do laundry together a lot -- he carries the basket up and down, but I run the washer and switch everything to the dryer, then either I put the clean clothes away or sometimes, he helps out and we chat while doing it.

Can you sit down with hubby and discuss household chores -- what there is to do, what is most difficult for you to do, what's not too bad for you, etc? I know it's not so romantic and seems more like something roommates would do, but it might (1) show him how much is involved in keeping a house running and (2) allow you two to split up some of the work fairly.

I do agree that you should also see a counselor, either alone or with hubby along. I see one, and it's nice to have that hour to myself to vent about things and listen to someone else's point of view.

It would be great if your husband could read about IC... maybe he will eventually. I know it's hard right now, but I am hopeful you'll get through

[tigger_gal ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close tigger_gal]

You are a good wife, you are a good mom, you do not have to prove this..

do you know what I see in you? me.. I too over did to please, and now am not capable to do it any longer. My pleaser broke, The only thing you are responsible for and need to be good at is being your childrens mommy and taking care of you. I know you are a good mommy. The rest can wait.. Do 1 room a day... I perfer that be my living room.. what is helpful in the dishes department, is every time you use a dish rincse it off. try to just use one cup and glass a day... Do not get out there and shovel, if don't do it pay the neighbor kid to.. you don't need to inflict more pain on your self..
Over the last year I have fixed everything that broke, and I got from my hubby, I would have done.. lol yea right.. make no mistake, I don't need you, I am capable to do thinks alone..
You will be ok..

[leelee88 Support Volunteer Find all posts View Profile Close leelee88]

Ras,
I am so sorry you are havin to go through this..You know this disease is hard enough dealing with the pain and now you are having to deal with emotional pain to.. I hope you will go see someone about this..
But I am with tigger on this.. You are not lazy or worthless, Please dont ever think that way.. You are in pain!!!! It just makes me so mad that men can be so selfish sometimes..If he only knew had bad you were hurting..
I dont know what I would do without my husbands support..


Well if you need anything just let me know.. and dont ever feel bad about posting and letting your feelings out.. We are here to help you in any way we can..God bless you and I hope things get better...

Ronda

[mayray518 No longer active Find all posts View Profile Close mayray518]

I get it

I know exactly how you feel. Until I found out about this site (there was no internet when I got IC) no one"got it". I have been in remission for 7 years and people are still idiots. I ran into a girl Iused to work with (I lost my job of 17 years due to IC) and she said "Do you still have that bladder thing" Because you look the same people think you are exaggerating it. I dont put up with anything now. I look at them as uneducated people. If anyone reads they should know a little about IC, especially women. WE are here for you and understand all you are going through. WE should all be given medals for what we have been thru.

[SandyRN ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close SandyRN]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have read so many heartbreaking stories on here. I love Cindy's ideas about striking! The other people in our lives really DON'T know how much we do til we stop doing it. I think Jen had great suggestions on how to talk to each other as well.

Everyone gave you great advice. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and hope that things get better at home for you, very soon!

Hugs, Sandy

[Susie2271 ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close Susie2271]

RAS6 -- You are going through so much. I will pray for you and your family.

[meme IC Friend Find all posts View Profile Close meme]

I know exactly what you're going through. Mike and I were there just last month. I just got too tired of him not appreciating me and feeling like everything was my fault for having IC. We had a long talk about it, actually I threatened to leave, and come to find out everything that I thought he felt about me was wrong. I thought he was angry at me for going part time at my job and taking naps while he was working, but in reality he wasn't-or at least not as bad as I thought he was. Sit down and have a long talk with him, maybe he doesn't realize how badly he's treating you. I put Mike on notice-he had 60days to prove to me that this was not a marriage from the 50's where all the responsibilities are mine. I don't want to be a suzy homemaker! Now, we're back to appreciating one another. Its so nice to have gotten all of our feelings out. Hope it gets better!

[RAS6 ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close RAS6]

Thanks Ladies....

It's funny how the next day you can feel so much better about a situation..I wonder sometimes if that's why God gave us new days?
Even though I got little sleep last night (I'll admit it, I slept on the couch!)I felt a little better today. He went to work without talking to me, but called and apologized later. My MIL took the girls today so I could have a little time to myself and that was just what I needed. I told him we really need to talk tonight and he was very nice about it. I am not sure what I will say. I want to stay non-threatening or he gets his guard up and loses his temper. I am going to try to talk about the most important things (how IC is real and I am sick right now, and either him giving me a hand at home or not getting ticked when things aren't perfect) and try not to bring up past stuff while I do it. Thanks to all of you for you loving words and thoughts. I really needed the validation that I am truely sick right now. Unfortunately I have seen enough Doctors these past few months who acted like I was a silly, overreacting girl, that I sometimes believe it! My new Doc is very good though, I am going to try to have my husband go with me to my next visit. Also, I did make some phone calls today and am making an appointment to see a therapist through my work's employee assistance program. I really need to feel better emotionally or nothing else will get better either! I can't make him go or control what he will do or how he will handle this tough stuff, but I can certainly work on my own mindset and actions.
Thanks again to all of you. Again I am touched by the outpouring of support and friendship I have found here. I don't know how I would have gotten through alot of these difficult times without you all....

[izazen ICN Member Find all posts View Profile Close izazen]

It would be great if you could get him to sit with you on the computer some time and go over some of the daily posts on the Network - what an eye opener that would be - so he could see you are far from alone in your very real problems. Maybe you could print out some particularly relevant ones and he could just read them.
I did something like that for an old co-worker of mine regarding her painful bout with endometriosis. Her husband simply wouldn't believe there was anything wrong with her so I printed out some good articles and real life stories from the Internet for her to take home and give to him. She never told me if she did so or if it worked but the next semester she seemed much better so I hope it worked for her.
I email really good or interesting posts to my husband to his computer so he an read them at his leisure. Thanks to the network, we are both pretty well informed on IC/PFD - even my uro was impressed by how much we knew.