I got dumped after four years...

[CarolineJulia]

I feel sort of bad writing this because I know people have gone through divorces on here and had to endure way harsher stuff.... so I apologize if this seems sort of juvenile in advance. But I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years and I feel incredibly distraught. I'm trying not to have crying fits because it flares my ic (which has already been acting up today because of being so sad and stressed out). He was a jerk and there are so many reasons I should be happy to be rid of him, but I can't help but love him... and miss hiim... and feel like I need him... which makes me feel more pathetic.

I'm so afraid of never meeting somebody that wants to be with somebody who's sick. It was so easy to be with Chris because he knew me before IC, so I felt safe with him.

I jsut feel so sad right now... like I want to sleep forever. I would never do anything selfish like hurt myself, but sometimes I wish I could dissappear. Having to deal with a break up is hard, but with i.c. it just seems too much. I just want my life back. I don't want to have this horrible condition anymore. I don't want to have given four years of my life to somebody that treated me like garbage... and most of all... I feel so angry at myself for still wanting to be with him despite all his faults.

I just feel so out of control and upset. I can't stop the tears from coming right now. Why doesn't he love me?? Why can't he change? These are such foolish questions to even ask... but I can't help myself from asking them. Why would I fall in love with an abusive, alcholic, cheating, lying weak man... and why do I wish he was here holding me more than anything right now....

How do I make this pain stop right now?

[ihurttoo]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear you so upset. I wish I could take your pain away. But, please know that there is certainly someone out there for you who will want you just as you are. I mean, look at yourself! Really look, and you will see a truly stunning woman. That's what we see! There are lots of guys that would kill to go out with you! Yes, you have IC, but, everybody has something wrong with them, whether they have health problems, or financial problems, or problems at work, or with their families, or whatever! Everybody has something! So, dont you dare go thinking that nobody will want you just b/c of that!

I hate that you are so torn up over this, but it is totally understandable. I mean heck, there are people that arent even married that long! That is a long time to be with someone and you have every right to mourn the end of it, even if he is no good. But, while you are already thinking about him, (and nothing I can say is gonna make you quit doing that anyway right now!), do me a favor...Take out a piece of paper and write down all the bad things about him. Get it all out! When you finish, give it to a friend with the instructions to read back those things to you if you change your mind and want him back. Shoot, your friends probobly dont even need the paper! They can probobly rattle off his bad qualities better than you can! I know the ones you have mentioned would be enough for most any woman to call it quits!

Obviously, there is nothing original I can say here, and everything sounds so cliche', but they are cliche' b/c they are true. You WILL find someone else and he WILL be better. Why? Because we all learn from all of our past experiances and all of those (including the bad ones), help form who WE are and help us pick someone better next time. You will too!

You have a brand new chance to start over again, and pick someone kind, loyal, thoughtful, romantic, smart, attractive, and that will worship the ground you walk on.

I hope your heart mends soon. It breaks mine to see yours broken. But, if you ever need a friend, feel free to pm me. As you can see, I am up tonite too, and if you want to talk to someone, I am here. (Although, as you can see, I give crappy advice! I promise to keep quiet and let you talk!)

Sending you big hugs,
Amy

[CarolineJulia]

Amy,

You are a sweetheart. Your advice is not bad it's GREAT and comforting and wonderful. Thank-you for your message. I just felt so alone and I needed to hear somebody that knows what it's like to have this condition tell me things would be okay. Your message stopped me crying and I'm going to follow your advice and write that list down. Isn't it the worst when you only think about the good things and ignore the bad. That's not helping me at all to do that.

I know things will get better and that right now is the worst... It's hard to accept that Chris is who he is. I feel like an idiot for countlessly standing by him and supporting him through all his bull****, because he has ditched me when I need him most. I don't want to need him... I don't want to need any man for a while now... I seriously wonder sometimes if being in such an unbalanced unhealthy relationship actually contributed to my ic? Just the stress of never knowing what was coming next... whether he was going to dump me.. or was cheating... or any of that icky stuff. I know if I get through this, I will be soooo much stronger. I just feel really weak and sad right now about it.

Anyways... thank-you so much for kind and supportive message, Amy. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Lots of hugs,

Caroline

[sweetangel2080]

Caroline,
I hope you feel better soon. It could be that all of the stress and troubles with him were making you even more stressed and hence flaring more...

I do understand about your thoughts as I have the same fears and know the feeling of familiarity and time keeping you close to someone even though they are not the one for you or treat you well! It is the time span and needing someone through tough times that makes us make decisions we wouldn't otherwise make.
But in a few weeks when you can think things through clearly, you will see you are lucky to get away from him as you don't deserve to be treated like that. He was with you during IC but obviously not treating you well at all!

From your picture, you look like a supermodel so am sure you will have no troubles finding another guy - but this time someone who is worth it!

We are so much more than IC and I know it feels like sometimes IC is such a big 'three makes a crowd' type of nuisance in new relationships as symptoms are such that it can be hard to avoid.

However, if a guy gets to know you first, I am sure the IC wouldn't cloud his judgement? And well when I have positive days, I always think at least now if I meet a guy willing to stay with me through the IC, I know he is a better man as willing to go through good and bad...
and if he wants to scarper....then more his loss!

Plus, hopefully you will get much better with your IC as treatments progress - many people take a while to find the right treatment but can be leading pretty much active lives with the use of meds, diet etc...and some even without meds or diet whilst in remission...
I keep remembering what ICNDonna and Vm told me once - for every person on here needing the support, there are a whole lot more not on here needing support as they are doing well with IC!!

[Kara Isabel]

Caroline,

You are beautiful inside and out, and if he is leaving you, he's making a HUGE mistake and will regret it. But you should NOT put up with an abusive man that cheats on you You deserve better than that and there are men out there that will love you and cherish you and support you, and the fact that you have IC will NOT matter.

I know it hurts right now, I went through a divorce and my ex husband was a selfish cheater and it STILL hurt like hell, but I moved on and met a WONDERFUL man that would do anything in the world for me and supports me and my IC. I know you will find love again.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and I wish I could give you a real life big hug and tell you that its going to be okay, the pain will pass. I promise. It just takes time to heal.

Love and hugs,
Kara

[leelee88]

Caroline,

I do know exactly what you are going through and feeling..When I decided to finally leave the kids dad. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I knew if I ever wanted a life it was the choice I was going to have to make.. He was very abussive and drank alot and did drugs and cheated on me..I felt worthless while I was with him..

There is know reason why any woman should ever have to go through this or put up with it..You probably have stayed with him for so long is because you felt like know one else would love you because you have this disease.

It will take awhile to get over this because you feel you have lost a part of your life which is totally normal, It took me awhile even though I knew it was the best thing to do.. I still missed him and loved him, But as time went by it started to feel like a load had been lifted from my shoulders..And you will start feeling like that to..

And right now hun dont worry about finding a new man focus on finding yourself again..And when the time is right and you least expect it, love will come your way again. So take this time to heal soul right now.. I promise it does get better.. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) If you need to talk PM me anytime..

[ICNDonna]

It sounds like you are mourning the loss of having "somebody" --- not the loss of a special person. I think it would be a good idea to talk with a counselor to help you get through your feelings about yourself. As others have said, you are a beautiful person and you deserve someone who will love you through thick and thin. A counselor can help you understand why you stayed with someone who drinks, cheats, and is cruel to you.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[tigger_gal]

I am so sorry that you and your b/f broke up.. Having IC is not life threating, and any real man out there that you meet and wants to be with you, will not let IC stand in between you and him. We all know that IC tests out relationships, and our patience, but we are strong people.

Who ever I threw the crying towel to needs to throw it this way so Caroline can wipe her tears and sorrows away.. Time for open enrollment in club uti
Requesting.. purple fuzzy slippers, and ic friendly pjs to lounge in..

[petrie86]

Caroline Sweetheart... he obviously doesn't deserve you! you ar soooo mcuh better than him. I know losing someon you've spent so much time with kills you inside. It takes time to heel your heart... but I think it would be good to surround yourself with friends and family. People who love you and will give you the love you deserve!!! Dont ever forget that we are all here for you.
(((Hugs)))
Rachel

[floridamom]

I just wanted to post also to you & let you know you WILL make it thru. Your post really hit home to me, just the way you wrote how you were so lonely without him & hating yourself at the same time for wanting him back. I went thru the same horrible feeling with my ex-husband. I hurt so so bad for a while, but gradually time healed my wounds. Let the tears come, but remember to think positive & know that there IS better out there for you & he will come to you when you are ready. You need to heal right now & focus on you. Be strong, there are alot of ladies on this board who feel your pain & wish we could physically be there to cheer you up. I will bring the ice cream, LOL!!!
PM if you need to...

[littlemyrn]

You are so beautiful, look at this way, I was married for 15 years and got divorced last year and although I was the one who asked for the divorce because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore, but would stay anyway, I chose not to live like that and that maybe sometime I would find someone who cherished me and would love me. It still hurts today, in fact, today, he was suppose to have our son, but he said he had plans, so I know he has a date and it hurts. I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve better and so do you. I went to counseling and she did shed alot of light to help, but after giving your heart and soul to someone for any amount of time, you still have to go through the grieving process. So give yourself some time. Yes this disease we have takes alot out of us, but I was watching John Edward's wife speak yesterday about her cancer returning and she made a great point, and I am really going to work hard to apply this principal, she said she is a person first that has cancer, not that she has cancer then a person.

[sami4]

Who are they really?

One of the hardest things to sort out in a relationship is who and what the person is? In relationships we often are in love with what we wish the person was, not what they really are, and what we wish they had brought to the relationship, not what they actually brought?
This man was abusive, you couldnt count on him, and I think you said he was weak? G. Gordon Liddy once said," Better the Devil you know than the Devil you dont know." Maybe that was some of the pull for you? Perhaps, as Donna suggested just having "someone" there made you overlook the stress, and distress of his being in your life. Everyone does need someone, but someone who is a support, not an additional problem.
Stress is something that makes IC much worse for most of us, and once the mourning passes you might be very surprised to find you actually have more energy to heal yourself?
Give yourself a little time, you will have another person in your life, hopefully the right person.
Hugs,
Sammi

[CarolineJulia]

All of you are unbelievebly generous and kind. I started to cry reading through all your messages just because I can't believe how many strong, supportive, amazing woman there are on these boards. It's really inspirational. I believe everything all of you say. I know this will get easier. I think it's just been a pretty heavy year for me. Getting diagnosed, now having to not only get over somebody, but re-evaluate why I would ever be in an abusive relationship in the first place. I just have to take things one day at a time, like you guys suggested.

I sincerely appreciate all your kind words. They give me the strength I need to NOT "make that one last call", which just makes you feel worse about yourself in the end.

Does anybody else find their i.c. flares so bad when they are upset? Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening? Or do I have just have to wait it out and know that when I feel better, my i.c. will feel better?

Lots of hugs and thanks again everybody!!!

Caroline

[marsi4]

Feeling sad

Caroline,

You are a beautiful girl, and many times we stay in relationships that are toxic because we are afraid of being alone especially when dealing with a difficult illness like ic. I think the only thing that you are missing from him is companionship. If there is no respect and trust in a relationship then it isn't love. You deserve better than what he was, and you deserve to be treated with respect, and to be loved, valued, and appreciated. I know how scary it feels to find yourself alone, but you are not alone. You have loved ones and friends who care about you, and trust me it is healthier, safer and more honourable to be single then to be with someone and feel more sick, unloved, distressed, threatened, abused, and mistreated. I was in an abusive and unfulfilling relationship for nine years and I am so proud of myself that I found the strength to leave and not subject myself to that kind of stress, and misery any longer. It was a waste of time and energy and if I didn't leave I would wind up being completely destroyed. It was demeaning and degrading. It was the best thing I did, and even though you are hurting now the pain will heal, and you will realize that it was for the best. You know what you want and need and don't settle for anything less. IC can't change your mind, heart,and soul, but only limit you physically.. Please reflect on everything you are that is good and don't lose faith. There are good people and it may take some time but I believe that you will find someone who will overlook your illness and love you in spite of it if you are a loving and caring person which I know you are. Believe that you are worthy of being loved even with an illness and never think any less of yourself. Anyone can get ill at any time. We are all vulnerable and love can conquer any obstacles.

Sending you a hug,

Marsi4

[mellusk]

Caroline, this is all some great support and advice. I wish I had it several years ago. I know those feelings of being consciously aware that you're better off without him, but loathing yourself because you want him back. I've been through that, I've had the damaging partner who was emotionally abusive, mentally manipulative, and unfaithful. You want and deserve something better, but this is what's comfortable, and it's what you know. Feeling and thinking those things don't make you weak, but they do make you normal. One of the things that lying, cheating, abusive men do is cultivate this feeling in you of dependence. I had an ex who quite literally told a friend that he could do whatever he wanted because knew I couldn't live without him. He really had me convinced of that for a long time, even though now I look back and realize that man, I was so out of his league. He was the one that needed me - and to this day, I know that he is not a happy person deep down.
Try and remember that about your ex when you look back on the years of happiness he kept from you. His bad behavior is not your fault, and you are not the pathetic or weak one in this equation. He will probably reenact this exact pattern of behavior over and over again as life goes on, and he will never find fulfillment from it. You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to move ahead and find a path for you that is better. You don't need any man right now, but down the road when you'd like to have one, there will be someone out there. If you'd have been stuck with this loser, then you'd never even have the chance to find him. For now, work on the other things in your life. Some of the best things happen to you when you aren't even looking.