Please don't get the wrong impression, my husband is really a good guy. But my being sick has really hurt our marriage. He hasn't left me, and he doesn't abuse me, cheat, gamble, drink, do drugs, or anything else like that. It has been almost a year since all the horrible pain began. Everytime we get in a stupid little fight now, he brings up nasty things about my illness, usually saying things like "Why are you are so tired, I bet it took so much energy to do one load of laundry this week", or "why are you always such a miserable person? Why don't you just get over it?" Last week he was mad he couldn't find a certain spice and accused me of "hiding it". I helped him find it, but told him if needed me to help I would appreciate being asked. Well that was not the right thing to do! He got so nasty, complaining about how the dishes are always dirty and that I am always complaining and that we never have sex (which we do, just not as much as he wants) He says later that he only says those things because he know they bother me more than anything. And that to me makes it worse! If he was really upset about those things, I wish he would just talk to me about them when we are not both mad, but could understand why they would come. But to say them just to be mean? Why would you think of the worst things to say to someone you supposedly love if you just want to get to them? There are alot of mean nasty things I could say that would get to him, but I love him too much to hurt him like that. I guess we have different personalities. With him everything, even a fight, is a compitition. If I am angry, I at least stick attempt to the topic at hand, I do not like to bring up past mistakes or issues. I try not to bring up past fights either. Last night we got in a whopper. He is excited that his favorite band is coming out with a new album and told me we need to save money by fall "so we can see them 5 times" I said there is no way we can afford that. So he said, well I'll go without you. I said there is still no way! Then he just snapped! He said I am a miserably B****y person and he will not let me drag him down. I said I don't know what you are talking about. He said I was trying to kill his spirit and not let him be excited about the new tour. I said I am excited too and we can deifnately go to one or two shows, not 5! Then he went on about how he makes all the money and I stay at home complaining. I mentioned that when he makes these ellaborate plans, we end up in financial trouble and I have to go ask my parents for money (which has happened more times than I can count) to make sure we don't get things turned off or get evicted. Then he just started yelling at me to F-ing shut up. It was really scary. He is usually not like this. I think he just feels out of control and yelling at me makes him feel like he has control back. I just went to bed. He came up and took his pillows and slept on the couch. He was able to go to sleep right away and that bothers me too (I had to keep going down stairs for meds and heard him snoring only a half bour after), I was up until 3 am listening to music and crying. I have told him over and over again that him being cold to me hurts more than a punch in the face. And yet he continues to be cold to hurt me. I just feel like these fights take our relationship to a worse point everytime. Maybe that is silly, but we aren't like we used to be. He is rarely affectionate without being sexual, and that is frustrating to me. I know this isn't what he asked for, and he could have left, but I wish he would be more supportive. He won't go to appointments with me, he won't go to counsoling with me, he won't read any of the articles here written by an IC spouse. When I mentioned the new book and that there is a place here for IC family members to post, he thought it was hilarious and laughed about how I would love it if he did that! I had to hide how much that hurt. He says all the time that being sick is my hobby. Being sick isn't a hobby, but my illness is out of control right now and I have to be an assertive and up to date patient or I am not going to get better, and I cannot continue having to live the rest of my life at the level I am at right now. So that means posting here alot, reading the IC ezine, getting info on new treatments, going to the Doctor alot. I talk about things alot with him, because that is what we do about everything else. I get nervous/excited, etc. about trying new treatments and I want to share with him. We used to be best friends, he was the first person I would share news, good or bad, with, and it was the same for him too. Now it's like I am not allowed to talk about it anymore, I am not allowed to complain, ask for help, anything. And it sucks! This happened before, a few months ago, but then after a few weeks he got better and was more supportive. But if I ever bring up money issues, or that traveling, go doing stuff gets to me because it tires me out, elevates my pain, etc, he gets really angry and thinks I am attacking him. Yesterday I had such horrible vaginal pains I literally was lying on the kitchen floor crying and swearing (not like me and was before our fight!) He sat at the computer typing and didn't even pay attention. Maybe he is just used to it. But it is like he doesn't even care anymore. He doesn't try to comfort me, anything. He barely talked to me today, and just pecked my cheek before going to work. I am really mourning our relationship today. Maybe to him these fights are no big deal (he grew up in a family were his Mom and Dad had very violent fights with things thrown, and each would hit each other) but to me is feels like we are in big trouble when we fight like this. I keep telling him that and he either blows it off or gets angry.
Can people who love a chronically ill patient just get used to it, or even immune to the fact that our symptoms are not going away or getting better?
Again, please know this is not a mean, hateful guy. He is usually loving, he is a great Dad and a nice person. He is just hurting and is taking it out on me and I am already barely functioning. Beyond just being quiet and doing my part to get better I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for listening. I just don't have anyone to talk to. My friends and sister get angry at him (which I don't want) and our one mutial friend goes back and tells him everything!
Just needed to vent!
Can people who love a chronically ill patient just get used to it, or even immune to the fact that our symptoms are not going away or getting better?
Again, please know this is not a mean, hateful guy. He is usually loving, he is a great Dad and a nice person. He is just hurting and is taking it out on me and I am already barely functioning. Beyond just being quiet and doing my part to get better I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for listening. I just don't have anyone to talk to. My friends and sister get angry at him (which I don't want) and our one mutial friend goes back and tells him everything!
Just needed to vent!
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