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  • The "D" word

    Well...It has happened...I finally snapped. I am so damn sick and tired of being lonely, treated disrespectfully by my children, ignored by my husband (or yelled at for spending TEN dollars to have a kid mow our lawn, as a favor for him), I told him him I had no place in his life, I was now always on the outside looking in, and I wanted a divorce. I also emphasized that I still loved him, but he doesn't reciprocate the feeling and so I am left with a constant sick feeling in my belly (You know that feeling you used to get in high school when you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up....? That's how I constantly feel.)

    He has had a very tough year teaching. But he always has. He takes on more than he can possibily tackle, and because he is such a perfectionist, if it doesn't turn out right he takes it out on me. Not physically, but emotionally. Do you know what it's like to sit next to your husband on the couch and have him scoot as far away as he can get to avoid touching you? Or, when you are really hurting and your youngest (11 year old) who happens to be borderline oppositionally defiant (and has zero respect for me) and she is arguing with him or me, and he just picks up his stuff and splits? Bull****. My oldest is so into herself, as most kids at 17 are, that she breaks a fingernail and her day is ruined and her stress is so much higher than mine. On top of all this, I'm supposed to make sure dinner is on the table by 6:00 (I agreed to handle that, after all, I am home) But half the time no one is home and bothers to tell me. This past week I've stopped making dinner and my husband is ****** but I tell him...communicate...everyone needs to communicate w/me. I plan for 6. If you want to eat at 5 or 7 fine, just let me know.

    His father wound up in the hospital this week as well. This is the dad who hasn't bathed in 3 years? When they stripped him, he had pusy sores from a fall last year, on his shins (he's diabetic) He has never cleaned them or bandaged, ect....on his back, my husband saw a 4 inch mold patch. Still, Bill was in the hospital for a week and he wouldn't allow them to bathe him. He found out we refused to bring him home, and he relented on the bath, learned to give himself insulin (he was bending the needles until he found out roger said we refused to do it for him), So...he's home temporarily...30 days with OT, PT and a med aide to give him a bath 2 times a week. A nurse weekly to check him. He still doesn't know he goes to a permanent residence in a month. We've tried for 8 years. Can't do it anylonger. At least my husband did say, when they said "your wife is home, why can't she do this" He just stared at them and said "she is sick herself, my father will expect her to be his houseservant, and she needs rest....THIS is not what she will do for the next 10 years of her life, especially since she's trying to figure out something vocationally she can do." (I hear THIS through the brother) OH...he was in the hospital because his kidneys were failing, he was having myoclonic seizures in his muscles (too much of some meds) and he was way dehydrated. He only drinks coffee and diet pop. he refuses water, but he drinks it now.

    Anyway..had to sound off. Very difficult for me to speak aloud. No one to talk to without family to hear. I don't know what will happen now that I've thrown the D word out there. he just told me my timing was impeccable with all the **** in his life. I just responded...Is there ever a good time?

    Anyway...gotta go...happy dad's day...

    T
    I.C. DX'd following my "second hysterectomy" (the remaining ovary, that kept bursting and bleeding 2 years after my hyster/right oompherectomy, was removed in 2003. I was a special ed teacher. I am now very lost, and feeling rather hopeless in my life.

    Medications I CURRENTLY take:
    90 mgs Ms contin (45 mgs Am/PM)
    Percocet as needed
    Topomax 100mg day
    Ambien 10 mg bed
    desipramine 25 mgs




    If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
    Albert Einstein

  • #2
    Oh my gosh Tracey, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you just have a horrible time all around at home, with hubby, with the kids, with your FIL. Sooner or later you were bound to crack. I don't know if I could deal with these medical problems if my husband was not supportive.
    I'm feeling really really horrible today, on father's day of course but he came up when he found out I was up stairs laying down and tried to rub my back and my belly to make me feel better.
    I wish there was something else I could say, if you need someone to talk to I'm on and off most of the day.
    Christine



    I have been diagnoised for 6 1/2 years now. I have taken a long break from the ICN but really miss helping out my fellow IC patients and want to get back into posting.
    1st hydro 4/07 showed no visible signs of IC but tons of mast cells in all my biopsy samples which did prove IC.
    2nd hydro 4/13/09 showed dark purple glomerulations and I had a capacity of 450 cc's. This hydro proved that my IC had progressed.
    I have tried every oral medication as well as rescue instills and DMSO.

    I have been lucky enough to see Dr Hanno, the top IC specialist in PA who has told me due to the fact that I have not responded to any "standard" treatments that I have a severe, end stage case of IC with a horrible quality of life (didn't have to tell me that last part!)

    Proud wifey of Shane, mommy to Griffin, and step-mom to Logan and Gage
    Also proud mom to the best Bullmastiff on earth, Claus

    Comment


    • #3
      Oh, Tracey, you have been putting up with so much for so long. Maybe he'll come to his senses when he sees that you're not kidding. Maybe things will be easier around the house when FIL is gone. Maybe... I am hoping so hard for you, just for things to get better for you one way or the other. I don't know if you're better off with him or without him at this point, only you can make that decision. But I am here to support you, and feel free to PM me any time.
      Je vous souhaite de la joie, de la bonne santée, et tout ce qu'il y a de bon dans la vie.
      Wishing you happiness and good health, and all the best out of life.

      Peace, Carolyn
      ___________________________________________________

      Laura (11), Susannah (12 1/2) and Maman (that's me!), North Wildwood NJ, September 2007


      On the Beach with IC

      Comment


      • #4
        You are so right Tracey there is never a good time to brring the "D" word up, But yo have been so miserable for so long now, with not any support or from anyone in the house...I honstly feel from your post that if you dont do something soon you are headed for a nervous breakdown..You deserve so much more than what you are getting.. You are a wonderful person and you should be treated that way.. Please PM me if you want to talk.. (((((((hugs))))))))


        Ronda
        Hugs
        Ronda

        ONE Second, ONE Bite, ONE Breath, ONE Pill, ONE Minute, ONE Teardrop, ONE Hour, ONE Sip.. ONE DAY! I will Prevail from this disease! IC Hoping for a Cure!


        Link to Patient Handbook:
        http://www.ic-network.com/handbook/

        Diet Reference Sheet:
        http://www.ic-network.com/diet/icndi...tsheet0909.pdf

        Meds For IC: Lyrica-25mg Glucosamine-500 MSM-500mg, Prosed Ds -When Flaring

        Other Meds: Levlite- Continious Birtcontrol, Micardis-40mg for High Blood Pressure

        Meds I have Tried:
        Topamax,Tofranil, Elmiron, Atarax, Cymbalta, Elavil, Enablex, Detral La, Prydium.
        Lexapro< Bad reaction to this med!
        Intstills, could not continue them due to some kind of reaction after 3rd instill. Tasted the lidocaine in my mouth, tongue and lips went numb then went into what seemed like a panic attack. Shaking, racing heart, tingling face/head, blood pressure shot up..

        Dx With IC in Nov 2006 with Hydro/Cysto
        Hydro/Cysto Caused Bladder to Rupture.

        Other Dxs-Vulvodynia,Fibro, Endo, IBS, HPV, Migraines, Spastic Colon, Mild Dysplasia.



        ICN Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

        Comment


        • #5
          A little earlier I went to take my shower, I told everyone not to use our "land Line' phone b/c the battery was low. My youngest said "have to call someone". I told her she needed to wait. (She's the one who usually leaves the damn thing sitting around for the battery to run down and it gets buried in her pigsty that her father never backs me up on making her clean up)She grabbed it anyway and went to her room..I just stared at my husband, he looked at me and the expression was "what?"....I can't let her borrow my cell because she tried to text message my FIL that he was an ahole and stunk (found that in my draft files...she couldn't figure out how to send it) My husband was furious but hasn't dealt with it. I found it 4 days ago and he said "her weekend is over" Well...she spent Friday at a friends, Saturday at a birthday party, saturday night at the same friend's...So much for discipline. She came home this morning sweet to everyone but snotty to me. Not a word said by my husband re: her attitude. So when the phone issue came up, it wasn't a big deal but it was cumulitive. I went to the shower, got angrier and angrier, got out and went to take a nap. When I got up, he was gone...Down in his classroom. I went down there and asked if we were still going to dinner and he said it depended on if I was going to behave like a child. That was it...I laid into him, stormed out of his classroom...oh, I threw the gift cards at him and told him to go ahead and take the family. When I got home Kelsey was watching TV and I asked her if we could talk and she said "I'm watching a video"...and I said , yes..it's on, on DEMAND...you can restart it and replay it. I promise we won't get into a fight. I told her I loved her and gave her a kiss. She promptly wiped it off her forehead (I expected...she always does) but i kept repeating I love you to her and she finally said it back. I asked her if we could speak more civilily to each other. She shrugged. I told her we could try and asked her if we could start with hug in the mornings, and one right then. That was a No . I have done nothing to harm this child, it's just that her dad gives her everything. It's really messed up. He has Kelsey and goes to the store, she says "PLEEEEZE dadddddy can I have this?" and he buys it. We can't afford it...but he buys it. She and I go to the store and she says "PLEEEEEZE Mommy..." and I say "we can't afford it"...But mom....then the low "dad woulda got it"...see...then he *****es at me when my cash runs out and tells me..we have to have a budget and stick to it. However, if Kelsey has done a good job keeping her room clean and being a civil human being, I will often buy stuff for her. She knows that about me. Her father promised to fly her to Disneyland this summer but I doubt that will happen.
          We don't have the money. She's excited thinking it is her and Dad. I'm furious...He has established these very strong bonds with the kids by going to Europe with the eldest, twice and to NY once, and is trying to find a way to go to Disneyland. Caitlin was quite a bit older and she didn't look at it in the same way Kelsey does. (IE: I get Dad all to myself) Caitlin actually missed me.

          I don't know...with all the chaos, and I do not do well in chaos, my life has to be orderly because I am seriously ADHD and between that and my meds I can't remember squat. Our house is a constant clutter magnent (it smells better though) and if anything is missing, I am the one who gets the finger pointed at. I want my own 1 bedroom little place......Furniture will be a bit rough at first, ha, ha, ha...

          AAAAAAAHHH...I just don't know what to do...the brother in law (not the leech who lives around here, the one who was scheduled to go to Iraq for time 3 but has a very strange growth on his big toe bone that may required amputation...then a stateside M.O.) that Roger confides everything in says Roger is very worried about me and thinks I am over medicated but he never says any of this...If anything, he acts disinterested. He has the kids convinced my behaviors are due to my meds. My behaviors are normal reactions to very stressful situations. Anyway....I'm done boring you for now...Our anniversary is in 2 days...I'm still trying to decide whether to buy him season tickets to the WinterHawks (Jr. Hockey league in Portland) as one of his good friends has had tickets forever and Roger really enjoys going out with him and having a night of hockey with his buddy. Maybe I'll just buy him a balloon.
          I.C. DX'd following my "second hysterectomy" (the remaining ovary, that kept bursting and bleeding 2 years after my hyster/right oompherectomy, was removed in 2003. I was a special ed teacher. I am now very lost, and feeling rather hopeless in my life.

          Medications I CURRENTLY take:
          90 mgs Ms contin (45 mgs Am/PM)
          Percocet as needed
          Topomax 100mg day
          Ambien 10 mg bed
          desipramine 25 mgs




          If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
          Albert Einstein

          Comment


          • #6
            Buy him a balloon and start saving your money to get out of that hell hole...
            Last edited by leelee88; 06-17-2007, 02:40 PM.
            Hugs
            Ronda

            ONE Second, ONE Bite, ONE Breath, ONE Pill, ONE Minute, ONE Teardrop, ONE Hour, ONE Sip.. ONE DAY! I will Prevail from this disease! IC Hoping for a Cure!


            Link to Patient Handbook:
            http://www.ic-network.com/handbook/

            Diet Reference Sheet:
            http://www.ic-network.com/diet/icndi...tsheet0909.pdf

            Meds For IC: Lyrica-25mg Glucosamine-500 MSM-500mg, Prosed Ds -When Flaring

            Other Meds: Levlite- Continious Birtcontrol, Micardis-40mg for High Blood Pressure

            Meds I have Tried:
            Topamax,Tofranil, Elmiron, Atarax, Cymbalta, Elavil, Enablex, Detral La, Prydium.
            Lexapro< Bad reaction to this med!
            Intstills, could not continue them due to some kind of reaction after 3rd instill. Tasted the lidocaine in my mouth, tongue and lips went numb then went into what seemed like a panic attack. Shaking, racing heart, tingling face/head, blood pressure shot up..

            Dx With IC in Nov 2006 with Hydro/Cysto
            Hydro/Cysto Caused Bladder to Rupture.

            Other Dxs-Vulvodynia,Fibro, Endo, IBS, HPV, Migraines, Spastic Colon, Mild Dysplasia.



            ICN Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

            Comment


            • #7
              so sorry you are going thru this. If you seriously are wanting a divorce I certainly waste money on season tickets. Maybe buy him divorce papers, and put them in a big red heart. I think that you have a lot to be angry, hurt, and unappreciated about. Sending you really big hugs.
              'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

              Comment


              • #8

                Comment


                • #9
                  Tracey,
                  You know where I am--please call if you need too. Take care of you. If you need to take a Florida vacation you can do that too.

                  Love,
                  Barb
                  (Babs passed away in April 2009. We honor her memory and remember her fondly. - Jill O. ICN President & Founder)

                  [SIZE="1"]Proud mama of a gift named Lindsey who taught me through her autism what is important in life:angel:
                  :angel: IC Angel Volunteer Coordinator :angel:
                  :) Contact me via PM or e-mail if you would like to help
                  I have learned all about life in 3 words: It goes on! :D--Robert Frost
                  PCOS 7/85
                  RSD 7/94 :headbang:
                  Endometriosis 9/98 :toilet:
                  Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome 9/99
                  Kidney stones--too many to count
                  Factor V Leiden mutation 10/02
                  IC 6/03 :evilsmile
                  Deep Venous Thrombosis and Cellulitis 12/05 :loco: DVT and Greenfield Placed 3/14/08
                  "Spirit is an invisible force made visible in all of life"--Maya Angelou
                  "Ohana means family--no one gets left behind or forgotten." Stitch[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'm sorry things are so awful. You must be extremely stressed. Many prayers that some relief and happiness will come your way soon.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thanx for all the positive messages...We just went to dinner for Father's Day, My youngest is very upset right now b/c she called her dad at blockbuster to ask if a friend could stay the night tomorrow and he told her no. She flipped and asked why and he said there were many issues they needed to discuss, including how to be respectful and how to use a cell phone properly. (I saw her face turn white)

                      So we went to dinner and absolutely nothing looked good. It was a good restaurant, but I'm just not hungry...too much stress in my life. We actually had a decent meal, the 6 of us (including his dad and his youngest brother, the leech) I like Geoff but he is just one more piece of stress b/c he doesn't have a job and Roger is paying his rent. AND HE NEVER TOLD ME AND HAS THE FRICKIN NERVE to tell me I can't handle finances. I'm so angry I can cry. But I've just cried too much.

                      Good thing I see my shrink tomorrow but I don't know where to start with this, it is so messed up. Being objective as they are he will give me his usual rundown...want to know everything that everyone has done, I have done and what I will do to change things...In the past, It has always been "confront" in a careful way, bring up my problems head on with him that has been successful. But it's gone too far...
                      I.C. DX'd following my "second hysterectomy" (the remaining ovary, that kept bursting and bleeding 2 years after my hyster/right oompherectomy, was removed in 2003. I was a special ed teacher. I am now very lost, and feeling rather hopeless in my life.

                      Medications I CURRENTLY take:
                      90 mgs Ms contin (45 mgs Am/PM)
                      Percocet as needed
                      Topomax 100mg day
                      Ambien 10 mg bed
                      desipramine 25 mgs




                      If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
                      Albert Einstein

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Oh Babs...thanx, that's sweet...my BF (BF in my teen's term = best friend..I've picked that up, it used to mean boyfriend) in Tampa (Clearwater) would be so nose outta jointed....She actually has been with me since my relationship with Roger began and she always hated Roger. ANND she had all his traits nailed down....
                        Last edited by MakinIT; 06-18-2007, 09:07 AM. Reason: addition
                        I.C. DX'd following my "second hysterectomy" (the remaining ovary, that kept bursting and bleeding 2 years after my hyster/right oompherectomy, was removed in 2003. I was a special ed teacher. I am now very lost, and feeling rather hopeless in my life.

                        Medications I CURRENTLY take:
                        90 mgs Ms contin (45 mgs Am/PM)
                        Percocet as needed
                        Topomax 100mg day
                        Ambien 10 mg bed
                        desipramine 25 mgs




                        If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
                        Albert Einstein

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Tracey, you're not boring anyone. We care. Vent all you want, honey.
                          Je vous souhaite de la joie, de la bonne santée, et tout ce qu'il y a de bon dans la vie.
                          Wishing you happiness and good health, and all the best out of life.

                          Peace, Carolyn
                          ___________________________________________________

                          Laura (11), Susannah (12 1/2) and Maman (that's me!), North Wildwood NJ, September 2007


                          On the Beach with IC

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            L.O.L. yeah...but you know...sometimes I feel like a bad country song. Pretty soon my dog's gonna get run over and my porch will collapse...Oh wait..that happened last summer. I just wish I had more fun things going on to write about. My IC has been as horrid as ever, in the past month, and the past 5 days exceptionally so. by 2 oclock I just want to curl up with my heating pad...and I do sometimes, other times duty calls so I pop 15 mgs of Oxy and 10 of valium so I can resume my duties. I just don't drive. That's a big stress on my husband. Odd. he doesn't care if I drive myself but he won't let me drive the kids past anywhere in the neighborhood. but he tells me if I choose to put my life on the line so be it. I often don't have a choice B/C I have to go to get my meds...Class 2....so its a personal visit. I've had to pull off on the road and sleep on a 20 minute drive. It's so stupid. I don't expect that he can take time off work every time I have to go...

                            Anyway...it is very quiet now. They are all watching "apacalypto" which I already have downloaded to my Ipod...great to watch when the brain's struggling to keep awake (uh, not in the car though, while driving..ha, ha, ha) I do, however, use a cell phone and call someone to talk to me. I don't think that's unsafe, in fact..it is safer to keep my awake.

                            Well, I've actuallylooked in the paper for 1 bedroom apts. of course, kids don't know this, and Roger doesn't realize either. They are spendy.I just hope the ticket to work program can maybe help me get trained to worked in Xray technology, and learn to do more than that.(CT, Ultra sound, PET...eventually Nuclear technology...It sounds fascinating and oddly enough, I still remember so much anatomy. I can list the muscles and nerves, some bones and innervations of muscles..."sigh"...I so lack the confindence because of the PAIN and the narcolepsy.

                            night night..very sleepy.
                            I.C. DX'd following my "second hysterectomy" (the remaining ovary, that kept bursting and bleeding 2 years after my hyster/right oompherectomy, was removed in 2003. I was a special ed teacher. I am now very lost, and feeling rather hopeless in my life.

                            Medications I CURRENTLY take:
                            90 mgs Ms contin (45 mgs Am/PM)
                            Percocet as needed
                            Topomax 100mg day
                            Ambien 10 mg bed
                            desipramine 25 mgs




                            If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
                            Albert Einstein

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I am very sorry about this. Suffering alone is the worst. You are in my thoughts and prayers,

                              Erika
                              IC diagnosed officially via cysto/urodynamics 1/26/07

                              Grade II Endometriosis diagnosed via lap 12/11/07

                              "Fall down seven times, Stand up eight."

                              "Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think."

                              Current Treatments:
                              Interstim Since 5/25/07!
                              Birth Control

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