Do you feel you are being abused?

[ICNDonna]

Donna, my soon-to-be-ex husband is very controlling like that. I came across a book recently that made everything crystal clear to me...it's called The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. I'd long suspected I was in an abusive situation, but he's so nice to everyone else I thought maybe it was just me. He gaslighted me for years, making me think I was crazy.

Some of the signs of a CN, in case it helps anyone else:

"Covert and overt narcissists have the exact same traits, but the overt is more obvious. They don’t care what people think. They do what they want. They’re think they’re fantastic. They think they’re right every time. A covert narcissists number one priority is to look good, and they care a lot about their reputation, and that they’re well liked, well respected, and so they will do many things to cover their tracks. An overt narcissist won’t apologize for anything, but a covert will. Sometimes they’re great apologizers – but they never mean it. It’s just meant to get you off their back. So they’ll do things to placate and pacify you. They won’t have empathy, but they learn how to act like they have empathy. A covert narcissist won’t put themselves in your shoes."

And most importantly for those of us with IC:

"They resent you for being sick - When you’re sick or if you’ve had an injury or a surgery, a covert narcissist might help you, maybe they’ll bring you food, watch the kids, bring you home from the hospital etc. but you can feel their resentment of you. You can feel that they hate and despise taking care of you."

Complete checklist here.

It takes real courage to get out of an abusive situation. It's not easy, but you can do it! Please let me know how you are doing.

Sending gentle hugs,
Donna

[Pillowfight]

Donna, my soon-to-be-ex husband is very controlling like that. I came across a book recently that made everything crystal clear to me...it's called The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. I'd long suspected I was in an abusive situation, but he's so nice to everyone else I thought maybe it was just me. He gaslighted me for years, making me think I was crazy.

Some of the signs of a CN, in case it helps anyone else:

"Covert and overt narcissists have the exact same traits, but the overt is more obvious. They don’t care what people think. They do what they want. They’re think they’re fantastic. They think they’re right every time. A covert narcissists number one priority is to look good, and they care a lot about their reputation, and that they’re well liked, well respected, and so they will do many things to cover their tracks. An overt narcissist won’t apologize for anything, but a covert will. Sometimes they’re great apologizers – but they never mean it. It’s just meant to get you off their back. So they’ll do things to placate and pacify you. They won’t have empathy, but they learn how to act like they have empathy. A covert narcissist won’t put themselves in your shoes."

And most importantly for those of us with IC:

"They resent you for being sick - When you’re sick or if you’ve had an injury or a surgery, a covert narcissist might help you, maybe they’ll bring you food, watch the kids, bring you home from the hospital etc. but you can feel their resentment of you. You can feel that they hate and despise taking care of you."

Complete checklist here.

[katie87]

I too was in an abusive relationship, the worst part being the emotional abuse, i remember crying for hours feeling like I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH, i wasn't pretty, sexy, smart, i was stupid, a sl*t, all kinds of names he called me and I remember thinking why doesn't he love me, what can I do to make him want me? why isn't he attracted to me? why doesn;t he see the good in me everyone else sees? that is when I realized I was being severely abused, to think i am worthless, ugly, unsexy, etc. when I know in my heart I am beautiful, for someone to have the power to make me feel like dying and a speck worth nothing, that was abuse, i deserve to feel happy,safe, loved, cozy, secure, sexy, and in love, not neglected and mistreated. This taught me that if you let someone, they CAN have power over you and you need to remove these types of people from your life. I feel 1000 times happier, i don't live my life trying to satisfy my abuser anymore, i live to satisfy myself and it feels sooooooo good!!!!!!!!!!!! I was scared to leave but it was THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. i can feel good about myself now, no one putting me down with cruel words, its wonderful. I know it is hard to leave, it took my family almost forcing me to leave, and although i hated them at the time, now that I am healthy again I see this was my second chance at an amazing life with real love in it, no more abuse EVER!!!!!! and from now on i will be the example to my daughter of a strong woman, and show her how to live, how to have healthy relationships and she will see only love in my life and no abuse which should lead her to pick a loving partner, instead of an abusive one.

[purpletomorrow]

Dan Savage on abuse, very good

Dan Savage, columnist for the Detroit Metro Times, has a good response to someone in an abusive relationship in his column today. Here's what he says --

"This is not a relationship, it's a hostage situation. He's a controlling, abusive piece of $%& — listen to your friends. When your boyfriend breaks your stuff, he's making an implicit threat: I can break your face just as easily as I'm breaking your stuff, so don't even think about leaving me.

And of course things are great when they're great — that's part of an abuser's MO. If abusers were abusive 24/7 — if they weren't capable of doling out a little bliss now and then — no abusive relationship would last longer than one date.

Like all abusers, he parcels out the good times, doping you up with a little bliss now and then, because he knows that these glimpses of how great things could be convince you to stick around against your better judgment.

The bliss is a con, a weapon that he uses against you, just as much a part of the cycle of abuse as his tantrums, fits and threats of violence are. Think of the good times as rainbow sprinkles on a dog-doo sundae — sprinkles or no sprinkles, you're still standing there with a bowl full of dog-doo in your hands.

Get a couple of friends to come over when he's at work or out of town, box up your stuff, and leave. You can't change him. Go."

[kuntrygurl78]

My mom was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my dad.

If you are in this please run..dont walk. GET OUT! God will provide. It will be ok.

I used to pray everyday that my mom would leave my dad. One day she did, and I still think it is the best decision that she ever made. Please, I was one of those kids who was watching their mom go thru this. Dont let your kids have to see what I had to see.

[dancemomof2]

I too wish I had been strong enough years ago to say YES to these questions.

[leelee88]

Julie, I think this is a great idea for a sticky and a post in general!

Some people are so emotionally in the relationship they do even realize they are being abused. Even if your partner makes little comments that make you feel bad or bad about yourself and is destroying yourself esteem or self worth. That is a form of abuse.

I will admit, I lived 13 years in a very abusive relationship. And back then I tried my best to hide it from everyone. I did not wont to feel like a failure. So I kept trying, thinking I could make things better. I thought I could "change him" Well YOU cannot make anyone change! It takes professional help and the want to from that person.

Unfortunately my story gets worse. The abuse got very violent to where he had threatened my life many times. Again I hid behind the walls of shame and not to mention I was to scared to leave. Ironic I know, scared to leave? I think now, How crazy that sounds to me. But yet I stayed and took the abuse.

I honestly do not know what gave me the courage one day to grab my two boys and the clothes on our backs and run as fast as we could. I think I had came to the conclusion, If I stayed he was going to kill me. It had gotten that bad!

See everything was a control thing. I owned NOTHING. I have struggled, but I have made it.
I look back and get mad at myself for staying as long as I did.

My story ends very sad. Four months after I left. He took his own life. I feel strongly in my heart if I would have been there that night. He would have took mine to. Abuse is serious! It can lead to very grim outcomes.

No one deserves any kind of abuse like that!! I tell you my story NOT for any pity. But only for those who might be going through this now hiding behind the walls. Abuse is real!! And life is way TO PRESIOUS for anyone to have to go through it..

Please take Julies advice on getting out and getting help.

I am always here to talk to anyone if you would like to PM me..

[IC SARAH-CPP]

Thank you for posting this. Obviously it is helpful to me right now. I wish I had read this months ago because so many things on the list apply to me and I just didn't even realize that it was abuse I was going through. Of course I made excuses for him and for myself but most other people realized what was going on and commented to me on it.
Even though the physical abuse sucks, I think the mental and verbal abuse was the worst part for me. Going through that day after day just really wears you down so much.
I hope that someone else can read this and maybe get help before it gets to the point that mine did. It is so hard though.
sarah

[traceann]

Yes, it can be very sneaky indeed. My first fiance I'd been in love with since I was in the 4th grade, was an emotional abuser, emotional blackmailer and eventually a bit of the physical crept in. While we dated through the years on and off, then finally we started dating permanently and eventually were engaged a few months later, things were great.

Things were great in the beginning then the strange behaviors started - accusing me of cheating on him and that he was going to "catch me" at it, started going through my purse to find whatever - he took a little address book I had and marked up every page that there was a name/number he didn't recognize with snide remarks/comments - one of them was the business that my dad owned and since he didn't recognize it it too was fair game for being marked up. Eventually, the minor physical abuse started. He didn't want me smoking (even though he used chewing tobacco), so one evening at a mutal friend's house that we were visiting, I snuck one in another room and that ended with me being dragged up the stairs to leave by my neck. That wasn't the end, but it was the beginning of the end. Things did not get better. And the scary thing is, if he hadn't dumped me I wonder when it would have been enough for me.

It can come on so gradually you don't even realize it's happening until it's in full swing and you are in a scary situation, I was embarrassed to tell my friends, so therefore I didn't see them very often, in fact I avoided them. The lesson I've learned is don't be ashamed - tell someone!!!

[ICNDonna]

Thank you, Julie. Emotional abuse is sometimes difficult to identify. Some of the signs are being told you are stupid or don't have good judgement, having your appearance criticized frequently, being laughed at when you have serious problems, unreasonable demands --- for example, demands that you account for everything you did all day even if you spent the entire day at home or at work.

I didn't realize it was abuse when my first husband demanded that I actually write down every penny I spent --- to the extent that I was expected to take a note pad to the grocery store and write down the cost of each item --- so he could examine it and decide if I had purchased anything we didn't actually need.

Donna

[Julie B]

You are not alone.
It is not your fault.
You and your children deserve to feel safe.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org) has a wealth of resources for people who feel that they may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

The following is adapted from the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website:

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Are you being abused?

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
  
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
  
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
  
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
  
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
  
• Make all of the decisions?
  
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
  
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
  
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
  
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
  
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
  
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
  
• Force you to try and drop charges?
  
• Threaten to commit suicide?
  
• Threaten to kill you?

If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.