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Feeling Bad - Could Use Some Advice

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  • Feeling Bad - Could Use Some Advice

    Well I tried really hard last night to get in the mood but the pain just became so unbearable. I usually try at least once a week and I think I let him down because I was just so uncomfortable that I couldn't do anything. He wouldn't admit it because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but I think it really ****** him off. What can I do to make it up to him?
    I am a soul whose intentions are good.
    Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood.

  • #2
    The more posts like this that I read the more upset I get. I definately understand you want to please your husband, but why does it have to become such a huge issue? If he turned you down every now and again because he was hurting, or exhausted, would you feel upset, or neglected? I seriously doubt it.

    When sex becomes such a big issue and you feel guilty saying no, it's time to have a talk with your husband. If he gets angry because you don't feel up to sex, of any kind, then really, he needs an IC education.

    I want to please my bf, but if I said no, which I have, and he got "****** off" at me over it, all heck would break loose around here. He understands that I hurt and there are just some days that I can't do ANYTHING related to sex.

    I hope you take this in the way that I mean it....I know people will tell you to have oral sex, or do something special for him. If that makes YOU happy, then by all means do it, but sex is a mutual thing and he has to get over being angry simply because you say no every now and again.

    Off my soapbox!
    *IC-- Summer 2004; PFD--October 2005
    *Fibro--Fall 2000; CFS-- Fall 2000
    *MPS--Fall 2000; Crohn's disease-- 1997*IBS,GERD, *Migraines, hypothyroidism, GYN problems *Degenerative Disc Disease/scoliosis

    Total Abdominal Hysterectomy--adenomyosis--9\08

    04/17/09 Crohn's disease almost killed me with a combo of extreme constipation from pain medications. My bowel ruptured, I almost died from peritonitis and spent several days in the ICU then more in a private room on the floor. If you have any questions about severe constipation from pain meds please don't hesitate to send me a message.


    • #3
      Sandy is totally right. You definitely shouldn't feel guilty and he should not be ****** off that you can't have intercourse. It's time for you two to sit down and have a really open, honest talk about your IC and sex. I think sex, or intimacy, IS important in a relationship. And different people have different sex drives. But, the tone of your message makes me wonder...because you say you try to do it once a week. That makes it sound like you don't even have interest then, but you do it to keep him happy.

      Now, I do think that there are times we aren't interested and would rather be anywhere than having intercourse or whatever, but we do it anyway to keep the peace. Infrequently, I do think that's okay, because being in a relationship means sometimes doing things we aren't totally into. However, if you are doing it all the time or even most of the time just for his sake, then you definitely need to look at your relationship and make sure that he understands your disease and what you go through and if there are any other issues under the surface.

      If it's what YOU want, then you do have the options like Sandy mentioned...oral sex, "helping him out", stuff like that. There are plenty of ways to be intimate and please each other without penetration. Also, if you have PFD in addition to IC and your pelvic muscles are really tight, then what you can do is have him to "participate in your physical therapy" and let him lube up and put a finger in. This can serve many purposes. First, he can actually help with your PT and help to internally massage the pelvic muscles and make you feel better. Second, it can be a time of intimacy for the two of you. Third, he can then physically FEEL what you are going through and then will likely be more understanding of why you sometimes cannot have intercourse.

      Most importantly, you need to do what feels right to you. All of us can say what we think, but you are the only one in your relationship and only you know how you feel about the intercourse and intimacy that you two share.

      Good luck!!


      "A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."
      ~ The Wizard of Oz

      "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own
      back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!" ~ Dorothy


      • #4
        janelle... i am so sorry you are having a rough time..Have you looked at Jills new web site? When Sex Hurts... It has so many great ideas there.. I will give you the link..Hope this helps...


        ONE Second, ONE Bite, ONE Breath, ONE Pill, ONE Minute, ONE Teardrop, ONE Hour, ONE Sip.. ONE DAY! I will Prevail from this disease! IC Hoping for a Cure!

        Link to Patient Handbook:

        Diet Reference Sheet:

        Meds For IC: Lyrica-25mg Glucosamine-500 MSM-500mg, Prosed Ds -When Flaring

        Other Meds: Levlite- Continious Birtcontrol, Micardis-40mg for High Blood Pressure

        Meds I have Tried:
        Topamax,Tofranil, Elmiron, Atarax, Cymbalta, Elavil, Enablex, Detral La, Prydium.
        Lexapro< Bad reaction to this med!
        Intstills, could not continue them due to some kind of reaction after 3rd instill. Tasted the lidocaine in my mouth, tongue and lips went numb then went into what seemed like a panic attack. Shaking, racing heart, tingling face/head, blood pressure shot up..

        Dx With IC in Nov 2006 with Hydro/Cysto
        Hydro/Cysto Caused Bladder to Rupture.

        Other Dxs-Vulvodynia,Fibro, Endo, IBS, HPV, Migraines, Spastic Colon, Mild Dysplasia.

        ICN Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.


        • #5
          Janelle, I am so sorry that you were hurting. You don't need to feel guilty because you are in pain. I agree with Sandy, you need to talk and come to some kind of mutal understanding. Hope you feel better soon.

          Hugs, Trishann