Hi, Everybody,
I'm writing to rant and vent a bit, but I also want to share my bad experience in hopes that it won't happen to others.
Last year, my husband and I went through a rough patch, lots of fighting about sex - particularly how IC and my health issues have affected our sex life. So it seemed like a good idea for us to try seeing a sex therapist and we went together. That seemed to be the "common sense" thing to do.
I went into therapy expecting that I probably wouldn't like everything I heard, or be thrilled to do everything that she recommended that we do. However, I also wanted to be flexible and willing to compromise. I thought she would help us negotiate about our needs and differences, and understand each other better. I thought she would help us come up with solutions that would be fair to both of us, and take both of our needs and feelings into account. Not so much.
I felt that she took sides with my husband (who has the higher sex drive).
I felt that she treated my husband's needs as sacred, and mine as irrelevant.
I felt that she treated me as "the problem" in our sex life and relationship.
She always gave me a list of several things I should do to change myself, to be more sexual and please my husband - but she never once suggested that he make the slightest change in his behavior.
I felt silenced by her. She did listen to me - but then discarded everything I said.
I almost felt like it was an attempt to brainwash me. After every session, I felt more unheard, more shut down, more doubting of myself.
I know I'm far from perfect, and I'm sure I could improve some things - but I think I'm not 100% wrong or bad, or stupid to want what I want, feel the way I feel.
This sex therapist is a member of AASECT, so objectively, she is "qualified". She just seemed so invested in being "sex-positive" that she had no empathy for my feelings or views.
I wish I had asked her a LOT more questions about her therapy at the first session. I wish I had asked her who influences her therapy, and what books she recommends to her clients.
But I also remember at the time that I was freaking out with anxiety and hurt feelings about my relationship. I was panicking.
I also wish I had challenged her more throughout therapy. I wish I had said something like, "That doesn't make sense to me". Or "Why are you recommending that? What is the basis for that?"
Mostly, I wish I hadn't doubted myself and kept going as long as I did (9 months, once or twice per month).
Things got better after we QUIT going to her therapy. I set some boundaries. I gave in on some things, but not on others. We fought some more, but we also talked about - and showed - each other we love each other. My husband is a good guy, and I think we're okay.
But I hated her therapy!!! I'll be REAL cautious before trusting someone else again!
I'm writing to rant and vent a bit, but I also want to share my bad experience in hopes that it won't happen to others.
Last year, my husband and I went through a rough patch, lots of fighting about sex - particularly how IC and my health issues have affected our sex life. So it seemed like a good idea for us to try seeing a sex therapist and we went together. That seemed to be the "common sense" thing to do.
I went into therapy expecting that I probably wouldn't like everything I heard, or be thrilled to do everything that she recommended that we do. However, I also wanted to be flexible and willing to compromise. I thought she would help us negotiate about our needs and differences, and understand each other better. I thought she would help us come up with solutions that would be fair to both of us, and take both of our needs and feelings into account. Not so much.
I felt that she took sides with my husband (who has the higher sex drive).
I felt that she treated my husband's needs as sacred, and mine as irrelevant.
I felt that she treated me as "the problem" in our sex life and relationship.
She always gave me a list of several things I should do to change myself, to be more sexual and please my husband - but she never once suggested that he make the slightest change in his behavior.
I felt silenced by her. She did listen to me - but then discarded everything I said.
I almost felt like it was an attempt to brainwash me. After every session, I felt more unheard, more shut down, more doubting of myself.
I know I'm far from perfect, and I'm sure I could improve some things - but I think I'm not 100% wrong or bad, or stupid to want what I want, feel the way I feel.
This sex therapist is a member of AASECT, so objectively, she is "qualified". She just seemed so invested in being "sex-positive" that she had no empathy for my feelings or views.
I wish I had asked her a LOT more questions about her therapy at the first session. I wish I had asked her who influences her therapy, and what books she recommends to her clients.
But I also remember at the time that I was freaking out with anxiety and hurt feelings about my relationship. I was panicking.
I also wish I had challenged her more throughout therapy. I wish I had said something like, "That doesn't make sense to me". Or "Why are you recommending that? What is the basis for that?"
Mostly, I wish I hadn't doubted myself and kept going as long as I did (9 months, once or twice per month).
Things got better after we QUIT going to her therapy. I set some boundaries. I gave in on some things, but not on others. We fought some more, but we also talked about - and showed - each other we love each other. My husband is a good guy, and I think we're okay.
But I hated her therapy!!! I'll be REAL cautious before trusting someone else again!
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