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Dating again finally, but......

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  • Dating again finally, but......

    I am soooo nervous! I don't know why I am so nervous. Well, maybe it's because I know this guy is different from what I have gone for in the past.
    The guys I have dated in the past were ones who I felt were my "equals". Basically, they were losers and I knew it. But, I thought that was the only kind of guys I could get. I mean, come on. I am divorced (for about 9 years now). I have had 5 children. Don't have custody of my older three (very long, frustrating story). I have a daughter from a rape who has IC. I have another daughter whose father would rather be a drunk than to actually see his daughter. I am on SSI for depression. I am on housing, food stamps, Medicaid, and TANF. To a LOT of people out there, I am at the bottom of the chain. Then, I have IC to top it off. Yeah, I am terrified of guys who actually are doing something with their lives. Guys who own their own homes. Guys who "seem" better than me.

    This guy I met, Erin, seems like a great guy (so far). I am so scared! I finally met him in person this past Saturday. We went to Starbucks. He looked at me funny when every 20 minutes or so I took a couple Prelief. He knows that Angel has IC. I have talked about her restrictions with her diet and the pain and all that stuff. But, I only casually mentioned that I have IC. We were there for about 2 hours and I had to use the bathroom 5 times. I was so worried about what he thought that I was shaking and sweating. I wanted to just get up and run away.
    Erin is 27 (I will be 32 next month). He owns his home and has a good job. He has never been married. He is not "good-looking", but because of his personality, he IS good-looking to me. He seems really nice. But, with all my baggage... well, it scares the crud out of me!
    I already told him about my older three kids. I wanted to cry for so many reasons when I told him about them. First cuz I miss my kids sooo much and second because I was scared of what he may think. So many people judge people without even knowing or understanding.
    He doesn't know exactly how I live. He knows that I make bath and body products, some crafts, and plaster stuff and some furniture and I sell the stuff. But, I don't make enough money to support my girls and I. Not even close. I dread the day when I have to tell him how I live. I guess I am hoping that he will like me enough as a person that it won't scare him away.

    And, then.... The next time we go out to meet again, he wants to go to a place I have never been to. Well, first, I have a fear problem (goes with the depression), I am terrified of trying new places - especially with a person that I just met. I am going to talk to my psychologist about this tomorrow. I want to try a new place. I want the freedom to do new things. But, this fear really holds me back.
    Also, where will the bathrooms be???? That one really scares me. I have to know where the bathrooms are. And, when I get nervous I have to pee even more.

    I really like this guy. I want to get to know him. I am just so scared that I will "chicken out" and run the other way. I always do that when I feel I am not good enough. Sometimes I wish I had the life I want... I wish I didn't have IC. I wish I could just make the depression and fears go away. I wish I didn't have a tummy FULL of stretch marks and saggy skin that I can pull out at least 4 inches. I wish I could feel that I am worth having a decent guy.

    Dating for the first time in year is hard enough... but, then you add in depression, anxiety, IC, and being very poor... well, that stuff doesn't help at all.
    I really need some encouragement. I want to improve the parts of me that I am able to improve and learn to be ok with the parts I can not change.

    The things kids say!

  • #2
    First of all, it might help if you concentrate on whether or not you like him, rather than worrying about whether he likes you. It's no disgrace to be poor --- and you are trying to do some things to help --- you should be proud of that too.

    When I go to a new place, the first thing I do is to locate the rest rooms --- I think it's part of IC to do that.

    My last bit of advice is to enjoy yourself.

    Gentle hugs,
    Stay safe

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    • #3
      I just want you to know that there are those out there that don't judge you. Most good, decent human beings don't judge others.

      Also--there are others who share your pain/concerns/fears.

      If you like this man--then proceede like there's nothing else in the world you'd rather be doing. Be proud of the fact that you've had five children. Be proud of yourself and all that you've come through to be where you are.

      You aren't the bottom of any chain. You are a strong, caring woman who deserves the love and compansionship we all strive for.

      Say these things to yourself a million times a day!!!

      Half the battle in this world is that damn mind over matter crap.

      I say be honest about your IC--be honest about how it is hard and limiting, but that you do your best to get through it with strength and grace.

      GOOD LUCK!!!


      • #4
        Well, I chickened out on the date this past Saturday. I made an excuse that I already went out to eat and didn't feel like going out to eat again. And, it was the truth. I had went out with my mother that afternoon to Cracker Barrel. And, I really didn't feel like going out to eat again.
        So, he asked what I would like to do. I couldn't think of anything. I just wanted to stay home and watch a movie. My bladder was killing me to top it off. And, I was kind of bummed out that day. I had found a GREY hair! I am only going to be 32 next month! I wanted to cry! I called my mother and told her about it and she laughed. Ha ha. I had stopped coloring my hair a few months ago because I wanted to see my natural hair color. I haven't had my natural hair since 1990. But, in a few months, I may have to start coloring my hair again! Bummer.
        Anyway, my sister ended up not wanting to watch my youngest Saturday night. So, I couldn't really go out. So, he offered for me to come to his place and we would all go for a walk and look at all the historical homes in his neighborhood. And, then, go back and watch a movie and visit. Well, the walk sounded great, but I couldn't have done it. Not with my bladder acting up and it would have only made it worse. So, I just asked him over here to my home. That was really hard for me to do. Especially since my place was a pit. He said that would be fine.
        Well, he came over. We visited and played with my youngest, Portia. After I put her to bed we talked a little more and then watched a movie. My ex-boyfriend called after the movie was over and asked me if I told Erin every thing yet. I said no... I am too chicken. (Skippy and I had talked about things earlier that day. He told me that I shouldn't be afraid. He said that this guy sounds like the kind of guy who would understand. He was so helpful, it was amazing.)
        Anyway, I finally told Erin how I live and why. It took me a while to get it out. Well... you know how my posts are... that's how I told him. The long version - I can't tell things in a short
        I told him more about the IC. I told him I am on SSI for depression. I told him about being on the other programs.
        He was great! He looked at me and said, "That's it? There's nothing wrong with that! You are a wonderful person! There is nothing to be ashamed of."
        I actually cried. It felt so good to not be judged. He told me that he isn't perfect either. He is on Paxil. He too deals with anxiety and depression. He said that his just isn't that bad. He can still function. But, he knows people who deal with what I deal with and he said that they are still wonderful people too. We are all human. And, that is the way I believe.
        Then I found out that this friend, Maria, that he keeps talking about is a lady I have met in the past! She works at this place for homeless people and very poor people. I used to help teach parenting classes there. But, I started going there to get some help from a therapist. And, the therapist told me that I am a very good mother with the same kinds of values as traditional Native Americans. So, he asked me to help teach the classes! Talk about a spirit booster! Little ol' me teaching other parents. It felt so good to help people.
        Anyway, things are going better now. I am not as afraid anymore. I know that he is real too. We talk every day mostly on the phone. I don't know what will happen... but, even if this only lasts for a few months, I will have learned something from it. I have learned that just because people look perfect on the outside doesn't mean that they are perfect. My fears won't be totally gone... but, now I have a little more guts for what ever may come my way in the future.
        K... lol... I am going to stop rambling and get some work done. Thank you all for being there! I love you all!

        The things kids say!


        • #5

          I am so happy for you! Remember, just be yourself. That's all you have to worry about. Your doing great gal!

          Arcticfox hi


          • #6
            Hi Heather,

            Just checking to see how things are going.

            My advice is to do what you've done and more. Be honest. Not only will he appreciate your trust in him, as you've already trusted him to talk so much about your life, but it will let him know the reason for your actions, or inactions.

            If you can't walk because of your bladder, just tell him. Don't make up an excuse or try to find one that "is true". Explain that you'd love to but...

            I think that in trying to cover up these physical problems, we often send the signal that we don't really like the person. He won't know why, he'll just know that you won't do such and such with him. So make sure that you explain it if you have physical reasons (and if it's a combo of physical and mental, perhaps just go with the physical for now) for not being able to do something. That way he doesn't feel rejected.

            He sounds like a wonderful guy, and you sound like despite your problems, you are trying to work through them and are aware when they are acting up. Just keep your self-esteem up and I think it couldn't really work out.

            Pikkumyy - special ed teacher, wife, wild animal rehabber, and PFD patient since the horrible kidney infection of 2000. In remission since 9/04