Today I asked my husband to divorce me

[Teri]

I just can not live with the pain PLUS the guilt that I'm surrounded with anymore. It is so unfair to him and I feel responsible for ruining his life.....screw the 'in sickness and in health' stuff. I want to beable to be sick and in pain without feeling responsible for someone else's feelings. This is no way for one person to be forced to live let alone taking another person down with me.
I've always found a reason to keep fighting, my family, my grandchildren, something has always been a driving force to keep me going.....seems like I've run out of those driving forces anymore. I have been so sick since August that it's become completely intolerable. I lay in bed praying for death to come. I am bringing everyone I love down with this disease. I don't have any joy to share anymore, just sorrow and I can't stand it. Even when my grandchildren are around me it is sooooooooooo hard for me to fake it any more.
I want to lock myself in a room (with a bathroom of course) lock the door and NEVER let anyone in because I've had it with spreading my misery around to others.

p.s. starch and itching powder WILL be in the next load of his undies [img]wink.gif[/img]

[ICNDonna]

Teri, you mean a lot to me and I feel so sad for what you are going through right now.

But is it okay if I ask you just one question --- What if your husband was the one with the IC and the pain and the depression and the infection? Would you want to divorce him?

Hon, you didn't ask for IC. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Please know how very much I care.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[shell]

I agree with Donna, it might help to think about if the situation were reversed. I think many IC patients can understand why you feel guilty (even though you shouldn't), how hard it is to think you're responsible for someone else's happiness.

It was hard for me to deal with developing this chronic illness when I was only 18. But I eventually met a great guy that doesnt't mind (most of the time, anyway) having to incorporate my medical needs into our relationship. It's not been easy, but we've established a lifestyle that seems to work for us. And, of course, I've had to deal with the baggage he brought to the relationship. With love, patience, and compromise - and lots of blood, sweat, and tears - we've been together for 13 years.

You and your husband have been together for many years, raised a family, and now have grandchildren to enjoy. I'm sure that if you look back over the years you'll remember how much give and take there has been between you and your husband. I'm sure you've done your share of taking care of your husband, whether it be illnesses or support or just making his life easier in some way. And I'm sure there are still ways that you help and support and take care of him. You need to let him have the same opportunities to be there for you.

[justdeb1]

(((((((Teri)))))))

You know....a wise woman once told me to "hang in there and not to let this disease kick my butt" that person helped me, along with a few others on here, through the darkest days of my life not too many months ago.....you told me I could either laugh or cry....I chose both. First I cried, then I laughed. Anger came in there somewhere, not sure if it was in between the laughter or the tears, but it was there, and with that anger came desparation...and only a few people pulled me through that. Pam being one, you being another and Donna and Jill - I know the 4 of you remember what I'm talking about. Know that you can and will survive this thing. I posted earlier that I was just dxed with 2 more autoimmune diseases, Raynauds and Lupus 2 weeks ago - I just kinda sat in my car and was blank. Just sat there. Then I started to laugh and cry at the same time. I thought "Okay..God..what ELSE are you going to throw at me now? I'm under SS Review and that doesnt look very good because of my age according to my Disability Review Analyst, I hurt like a SOB and now YOU decide to give me 2 GREAT new conditions that can progress either very rapidly or very slowly - no one knows." So I sat there and decided, OH WELL - THIS REALLY SUCKS RIGHT ABOUT NOW, SUCKS TO BE ME, but....I'm not dying of cancer, I dont have AIDS, I'm going to live, even if THIS life I lead is what you call living, but its MY life and mine alone. You and I have talked extensively in the past years over and over again about just checkin out ya know..but its not worth it....its not the solution to any problem. Our lives stink, yes, but look at those grandbabies....look into their eyes and when they call you and say "grammy Teri...me want cookie" [img]wink.gif[/img] Or when they fall down and scrape their knees at the lake house..and you run down, hurting like a son of a gun, but pick them up and brush them off and take care of THEM, ignoring the pain that is surging through your own body to tend to those of that child - who looks up at you like you are Superwoman and can hold the world on your shoulders. And you do....we all do, at times it seems like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. But thats what friends are for, to lift that weight and ease the burden a little, if we can. But those few moments, when you rush to one of your grandbabies aide - you make it all better, you make the difference in their life and in the life of so many others.......So dont ever forget that Teri. A wise woman once told me the same thing... [img]wink.gif[/img]

I know the SS Review process is so hard...I'm going through the same thing you are...and I just read your post about the paperwork..aint it a B**** to have to redo EVERYTHING you did years ago when you first applied? I thought it was a "REVIEW" not the entire process again, and yet here we are going through the same torture we went through 5 years ago when we first applied. Sucks to be us huh? *grinning*. Hang in there...we'll get through it all - together.

And on Donna's post - I agree...turn it around Teri....what would that be like if the tables were turned hun and it was him instead of you? You are a strong woman..you will get through all of this because you have people that care...and understand. I understand this all too well. You have my email....email me anytime...call me if you want to. I'm always home *laughing* [img]biggrin.gif[/img] Where else am I gonna be? The Doctors office right? *smiles*

I love ya LadyBug....and I'm here....so is everyone else on here. You are not alone Teri...

tons of love and hugs to you

Deb

[jaime15]

Teri,
I really don't know what to say. Everyone else pretty much covered it. But I can say been there, done that. Just know I'm here.
Tons of support,
Jaime

[ldwall]

Teri, I have only one thing to say, never make a decision in haste/pain/or out of guilt. Those are the decisions we always regret later. I know how you feel, trust me, I have been there. But all I can say is to not be hasty.

Oh, remember we love you here, despite your guilt for bringing others down. Lisa

[DonnaReagan]

Teri --

I hate to admit this -- but I almost feel at a loss for words. My heart aches for you right now, honey. Too much is happening. You're getting one diagnosis after another, it seems like you're having additional challenges with SS benefits, and I don't know what else - cause its been so hard for me to get on the boards lately.

I'm scared for you, Teri. You MUST have a support system. I can tell from some of your previous posts that your husband has been a royal jacka** at times. I actually thought that was the nature of all those people with a penis. All men can be a jacka**. I realize that he's probably very frustrated seeing you in pain every day - especially since we know that men like to "fix" things. He probably feels very helpless to help you, therefore, he just stays frustrated & then acts like a jacka** cause he don't know what else to do.

I don't recall reading what your husband's reply was to your telling him you want a divorce. How does he feel about it?

I've only been married for about 10 years - but for me -- I think it's amazing I haven't driven my hubby away with all my neurotic tendencies & with all of my various illnesses & the frustration he must feel from it.

When I can "zoom out" and try to find something "redeeming" in a situation - whether it be something inspirational or something funny or something so stupid its funny -- then I can shift my emotions for a bit & receive something that is life "giving" instead of focusing entirely on the pain, which feels like its life "taking". I said that to say....I've been asking God quite frequently lately to help me understand why I'm "here" in this circumstance -- facing these challenges. What am I supposed to learn? How can I grow from this situation? What do I need to really "get" either spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. -- so that I can "move on". So far -- I'm still trying to put my puzzle peices together -- but I trust that everything is in Divine order & regardless of whether I figure it out today, tomorrow or 60 years from now on my death bed -- everything, I believe, happens for a reason.

I know you wish I'd just make my damn point & move on! What are you learning now, Teri? How have YOU grown because of your disease? How are you a better, stronger, more spiritual, more compassionate, more medically intelligent, more tolerant person because of this damned disease?

I can tell you are a wise woman. You are funny. You are compassionate. You always seem to be "there" for other woman. And I'll bet I'm not wrong when I say, that when you KNOW you've helped out one of your IC sisters, that it gives you a sense of worth - that despite your own pain -- you can help someone else to "hang in there". Am I wrong? I rarely am. (haha)

So -- I don't know what all your jacka** hubby as said or done to you-- but what are his opportunities for growth? I don't know how much you've talked to him or how much he's even interested -- but I just hate for you to rush & make a mistake when this could be his opportunity to move past his frustration & learn to be more tolerant & compassionate with you.

Have you guys had counseling? Now I warn you -- I'm a real big fan of counseling because I am SURE it saved me mentally, spiritually, physically, & emotionally. I really do! We are WHOLE beings -- & I believe everything is connected.

So - I usually just preach & preach about getting counseling. I think every one needs it and I don't think our need for it is ever really over -- cause life continues to throw curve balls. I think counseling provides us with structured opportunites to make sense out of things. A good counselor will hold up a mirror to your face & make you see that you're growing a big a** wart at the end of your nose & kindly suggest that you rush out for some Compound W. If you haven't found a counselor that is willing to p*ss you off -- then keep looking. Only someone willing to p*ss you off -- for your own good -- will be any damned good. That's why I feel obligated to lovingly chew your a** out every once in a while -- cause I DO care about you. And I think I understand who you are enough to know that you can handle it -- cause you do it too in your own way.

Please consider marriage & individual counseling. And even if you've had counseling in the past & it didn't work -- do it some more. Cause if you guys do split up & if you haven't learned whatever it is you need to learn from this situation -- what kind of person do you think you'll track back into your life? Yes, another jacka** -- cause as I mentioned earlier -- they can all be jacka**es. And then it would be like starting all over. I'll bet your hubby now puts the toilet seat down at least 1/2 the time & he probably puts the lid on the toothpase at least 1/2 the time too.

I urge you to search your soul -- and really try to figure out what all of this means. Can you give HIM another opportunity for growth? Can you love HIM enough to do that?

I realize I'm not in on all the details. If he has ever physically abused you -- then you should have already left. If he's been emotionally abusing you -- maliciously attacking you verbally, etc. -- then I think you would have left a long time ago. It just sounds like to me that you're desperate to have something different -- something positive in your life right now & that you can't find it -- so you're willing to make a change -- even if it means pushing the one person in your life away that HAS loved & supported you for years. I realize other people have loved & supported you -- but they don't crawl in your bed at night & put their arm around you.

I could ramble on & on for pages & pages -- as it's one of my "gifts" -- but my bathroom calls & if I don't take my bladder & bowels there now -- I may regret it for quite a while.

PLEASE PLEASE write me. I know I don't really know you Teri -- but I think I know a side of you that I really cherish. I don't know you -- but I've come to just love you for the you you are on these boards. I only want the best for you.

If you ever want to talk, I'll be glad to listen. Just email me & I'll send you my telephone number. Okay?

Don't do anything hasty.

Hugs, prayers, & laughter,
DonnaReagan
[email protected]

[Q]

Three weeks before my IC diagnosis my incredible wonderful boyfriend proposed and I said yes. After the diagnosis, two surgeries, inumerable ER visits, endless sleepless nights,more meds than a pharmacy, and so many tests and doctors I stopped counting, I did pretty much the same thing. I was depressed, I felt alone, and I thought I was doing the selfless thing, even though I knew it would break my heart. He looked at me for a minute and said "You do whatever you have to do, but don't for a minute pretend that this is about me. You have IC; it does not have you." Several days later, after I stopped crying long enough to breathe, I realized he was right. I'm not going to lie and say that this condition is easy to cope with, but it dos not detract from my value as a person, or yours. It seems to me that women more than men see a flaw or handicap in their body as an integral part of their worth, and it simply isn't so. Sweetie, I don't know you, and I don't know about your marriage, but I get the feeling you just think you're not able to give love and not worth loving, and that's really the worst thing that a person can feel, much worse than any pain IC could inflict (and thats really saying something). It is okay to not always be a ray of sunshine. If your husband doesn't understand that then maybe you should divorce the SOB, but don't ever think you don't have anything left to offer, or that your family deserves better. Maybe you deserve better. Maybe what you have to offer now is different from what you had before IC, but different is not worse. You are a different person - but you are still a good person, and you still deserve love and compassion. Someone mentioned counseling, and it sounds like that's a good idea. At the very least, talk to someone you love and trust. Remember, you are not at fault for having IC, so don't punish yourself. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Teri]

Thanks Q [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[sue041]

Hi Terry, we don't all get to exprress our feelings the way we want to, just know I cherish the talks we had on this network, and you are alwayss there to greet or help anyone with a problem, you have a strong back bone, keep on fighting, anyone can give up, fight for what you want and show (who ever) we are all behind you 100º.Do not let this get you down. Stand in there, we all need you. Please listen Teri. Your friend Sue. [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Kara]

Teri!

WHAT A NIGHTMARE FOR YOU!

I know you must be feeling like a huge weight is on your shoulders and if you move the wrong way, everything is going to come falling down. You must be so exhausted and wish someone could take it all away. It must take so much bravery to keep on going and doing what has to be done. You are holding up great under your circumstances. I admire you for the incredible inner strength you have shown. I hope you can find some time to heal and rest. Maybe even get some relief. It takes so much effort to take care of this IC. Please know that you are very special to many people here on the ICN.

Love ((((((((((((((((((((((TERI)))))))))))))))


Kara

[kimmi158]

(((((((((((((((Teri))))))))))))))))
I havent been on the boards latly but I still think about you and have missed talking to you.
I wish I had words of wisdom ,but I am trying to find them myself.
I was just diag. with lupus and kidney disease and my hubby just has given up on me ,so I am leaving and I am going to start a new life where I dont get yelled at for being sick.
I look at it as a new page in my life not omgosh I have to start over again.
You should not feel quilty because you are sick.Like everyone else said you would be there for him if the tables were turned.
I wish you all the luck and know I am thinking about you and I am here if you need me.
ICNKIM

[Teri]

{{{{{kimmie}}}}}thanks for the kind words, especially since you are going thru the exact same thing right now.....I will get the results of my lupus test on Thursday. I'm not real worried about it, I'm convinced it's "just" severe fibro.
You are quite the trooper girl [img]wink.gif[/img]

[ICNCHATMGR]

((((((((((((((((Teri))))))))))))
You are a trooper to dont forget that [img]wink.gif[/img]
Hang in there!!!!I will be thinking about you and I mean it if you need me I am here.
ICNKIM
[img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]wink.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[tigger_gal]

Teri,
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
you know what I am going thu and I fully understand. I sat and thought about what if the situtation was reversed and he had it and not me... I would not treat him as he has treated me so awful. Yes I want the role to be reversed I WANT HIM to FEEL THE PAIN! NO its not our fault, but the blame still lays in my lap. The poodle gets treated better than me. My husband is an acholoic, He choses to drink, I am sick, I did not choose to be. I keep telling myself things will get better and they contiue to get worse.
Teri if that is what you need to do then I am here for you, if you choose to stay I am here for you. you want itching powder for his undies lol I need icapec for my hubbys beer...... OOOOH Teri we would make a great husband destroyer [img]smile.gif[/img]
keep smiling sweetie.
Cindy