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Oh, mom. Mom mom mom.

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  • Oh, mom. Mom mom mom.

    I love my mother. I adore her. All she ever wanted to be was a mother and she is an exceptional one. Truely top-of-the-line mom that I hope to be somewhat like someday. I usually say that all the good about me is my mom, all the mistakes are my own.

    The problem that I'm currently having is that she's feeling despirate and hopeless about me being sick. She's worked in ERs and doctors offices her whole life. She's used to stepping in and helping out when things are out of control for me medically.

    Normally I don't fight it. It makes her feel important and needed and I have to deal with doctors and their aggrivation less, which I like.

    The problem is that now that I'm 27, it really doesn't work well. If I'm to have a grown-up respectful relationship with my MDs then I need them answering to me only, and I've had some bad reactions when my mom has stepped in. She only does it for the best reasons, but I've had some serious backlash where because she's stepped in, doctors seem to think I'm no longer capable.

    She asked today if I would give permission to my Uro to talk to her and explain the situation. She said that when she talks to me about it it's usually when I'm emotional and she would like to get a physicians take on it to ease her mind.

    I had to say no. I just had to.

    I don't want her talking to my Uro. I don't want her second-guessing me or him. I want him talking to ME, not my mother.

    She pretended to be okay with it, but she hung up the phone awfully quickly. I'm sure she'll get over it shortly, but I hate it when I dissapoint my mom.

    I still think I did the right thing. I've been trying to make her understand that I don't need a champion, I have my husband and myself for that, I need a MOM. I need someone to say "poor baby" and maybe send me a care package. I don't need another doctor or advice specialist, you know?

    I love her and I understand where she's coming from, but I'm also irritated that she's put me in a position to have to shut her out, you know?

    Oh well. Anyone else have problems with family members wanting to help TOO much?

  • #2
    When it comes to my medical care I have totally isolated my family. That is a terrible thing to do though and somtimes I really feel bad about it. But since medical provider make me so angry at times the last thing I need when I am in crisis is my family asking questions that are going to make me angry to.

    Selfish, Selfish, I am this disease has turned me into someone I really don't like anymore.


    • #3

      Oh, man, yes, did I ever have that situation! And you definitely did the right thing! You stood up for the adult you. Nothing could be more right. Bravo woman.

      When it happened to me I was about your age. I suddenly started having painful periods after ten years of painless periods. My GYN thought I might have endometriosis and when he gave me my options, I was pretty upset at there being no good ones. I told my mom about it and my mom seemed to react even more dramatically than I did. The GYN had delivered most of my sisters and had been my mom's GYN forever. And when my mom called him and asked him about me behind my back, he talked to her about it!! I had no idea until she said, next time I talked to her about it, "Oh yeah, it's not so serious as all that, I talked to Dr. Gxxx about it."

      I am sure I don't need to tell you how I felt: betrayed and mistrusted. I felt she didn't trust my word of what had happened, not before or after she talked to the doc. It did anything but make me feel emotionally supported, even though I could see her intentions sprung from concern.

      I don't know if that's how you felt but fwiw, that's my two cents. The decisions are hard for us to make, especially in the throes of flares. But what we need is emotional <hugs> and practical <meals, water, time, rest, handling ongoing life while we can't manage it> support for the difficulty of making them <#1> and a distant #2, *sometimes* support for the actual strategy-making. Thing is, we almost always know a) more about IC, b) more about our IC, and c) more about how we feel NOW than anyone else can. So, hard as others may try, we're usually best still being Chief Operating Officer of our own IC, in my opinion/experience. I imagine it's not easy being the non-IC friend of an IC'er but our job is still harder.

      Wish I could make it easier for you.

      Warm warm hugs,
      <img src="graemlins/grouphug.gif" border="0" alt="[grouphug]" />


      • #4
        I'm the 51 year old mother of a 30 year old daughter who has a 12, 5 and 4 year old. On her 2nd divorce and has 6 months left of nursing school. She has very limited money coming in, has shut off notices on all of her utilities and God knows how long it's been since she's made a house payment. For her graduation we are making her car payment until she finishes school but that's all the help we are able to give her.

        welp, I always thought that something was wrong with me because I never cried when she left for kindergarden a life time ago. Never cried all the times she 'ran away' to live with her father till she was tired of hearing no there too. Didn't cry when she became pregnant at 17 and dropped out of high school. Didn't even cry when at one point in her life she basically found herself homeless because the car she was living out of blew up because of her neglect.

        BUT the last year has been a nightmare. Thank God she is in therapy and I've been in and out since I was 18. She flat out tells me now when I've crossed the line. I, in turn, have my own lines that she isn't allowed to cross. It's been a very long year for her and I but I think it's the most productive year we have had and I am so grateful for it. It's taught me that she is her own person and that when she needs me she will be the first one to let me know. Letting go of her about killed me. Damn, it hurt SO bad. But, I had to let her's a mothers job to let go.

        Our rolls are reversed because in April my daughter will be an RN and I am sooooooooo excited because she will beable to help me with my medical things. BUT, there will still always be lines in the sand for both of us and those lines just can not be crossed. I completely understand your mom wanting to help and I understand even more why you don't want her to help.

        When you are feeling calm, ask your mom if the two of you can go out for lunch of if she can come over for a cup of coffee and talk to her. She will still make mistakes, she will still want to 'mommy' you. She will always want to make it easier for you, ALWAYS. And you can gently remind her that you don't need the 'mommy' but a kiss on the forehead would be awfully nice. Remind her that you know that she's there for you if you need her and tell her that if you find yourself in a situation you can't handle she will be the first one you come too. Give her a big hug and tell her "you can let go now mom, I won't fall."

        tons and tons of gentle mommy hugs~
        Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".


        • #5
          Speaking as a mother, in my opinion you definitely made the right decision. And, since your mother likely has contact with your physician where she works, I would go one step further and be sure your physician knows you do not wish him to discuss your care with family members other than your husband.

          Warm encouraging hugs,
          Stay safe

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          I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

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          • #6
            Hi Kbee!!

            I´m 38, and yes, my mother is like yours

            I don´t know why, but before IC, if I would have to go to see my gyno, and my mother wanted to come with me I didn´t have any problem

            But know, I feel umconfortable with she, and in the begining every time she wanted to go with me to my appoinments. So I talked to her and expalined that I´m ashamed with she and my dr together (I feel very ashamed talking in front of her about my sexual life, sometimes I think that she belives I continue being (??) virgin!!!), at first I think that she was sad, but now I´m sure that she understand me

            Of course every time I´m at the hosptial, she is with me, since morning to night, and she helps me to take a bath, and eat, and every thing I need, AND I REALLY THANKS HER!!!, because I love her very much!!


            • #7

              I can totally relate to your situation.

              I have a very caring, loving mother. But she can really drive me crazy when I am in a flare. Often times I don't tell her when I am not feeling well because it upsets her so...she will ask me a bunch of questions as to why I am in a flare or what I am going to do about it. It really aggravates me sometimes b/c I wish she would just provide empathy instead of trying to fix's like she can't accept that she can't fix it for me.

              She has tried to go to appointments with me before, but I never think that is a good idea. Sometimes her worry stresses me out even I just go on my own.

              She has been there for me so many times when I needed her, I feel guilty sometimes when I get irritated with her. I know she is only trying to help.

              I'm the baby of the family (27 years old) and single, so I still get a lot of the "mommy will fix it"...but she can't.

              I understand your desire to keep your medical care a relationship between you and your doctors.

              It's amazing how IC can complicate EVERY relationship in our lives.

              Take care,
              Nicole <img src="graemlins/blink.gif" border="0" alt="[blink]" />


              • #8
                I can see both sides, also. My mother is so totally lost when it comes to IC. She just can't understand a flare and I can't get her too!! I can say , Mom I am having a horrible flare today and feel like total ****, and she will say, Do you want to go shopping!!!! [img]mad.gif[/img] She has been to support groups with me and STILL will NEVER get it!
                Then on the other hand, my daughter told me to cut the apron strings and let her grow up. It was hard but I am doing what she asked. She has made her own mistakes and the hardest thing for a mom to do is have to sit back and watch [img]frown.gif[/img] She is in her twenties. Now she is having a few medical problems and has ASKED if I will go to the dr with her. She wants me there. I am the one who is scared cause we don't know what this is!! I am really confused [img]frown.gif[/img]


                • #9
                  KBee: Just another point of view. I wish I could share some of my feelings and problems with IC with my sisters (my parents are deceased). I invited one of my sisters to go with me to the urologist so she could just see for herself what we have to go through. My urologists has to do a cystoscopy on me every few months. She never went with me but my husband does when he can. I've learned to say a little as possible about the IC to anyone because they usually just can't understand or won't unless it effects them or someone in their own family personally. Jo Ellen


                  • #10
                    Hey Jo~I'm with you on that one. I talk about IC with my IC friends/family. My husband does ask questions now. I've even found that if I do leave something next to the potty, I've seen him taking a peek [img]biggrin.gif[/img] ....that makes me very very happy! My daughter knows and cares. That leaves 4 adult children that don't give a crap. My in-laws care but they are bible thumpers and all's I hear is that "we are praying for you to heal" to which I ALWAYS reply, "PLEASE pray for the knowledge for ALL of us to be helped." They mean well, they are fantastic people, but every time they remind me they are praying for me it's just another reminder that I'm sick and I hate it. My step mom is the same way. I'm getting to the point were I feel like this is MY disease and I'M going to pick who I let into that part of my life.

                    tons of hugs to ALL~
                    Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".


                    • #11
                      Teri: I am SO thankful to have this support group. Just to know that all of you are here keeps me from feeling so isolated by the constraints of IC. My husband and youngest daughter are as understanding as they can possibly be. Just wish I felt freer to talk to my sisters about it. In the past when I've tried to tell them about some of the health issue battles I've had to fight through the years, they pretty much make me feel that the problems are not really real. BUT if they have the same things happen to them or their children then it is just about the worst ever, for them of course! I love 'em but I've learned to keep it very superficial when it comes to anything about our health. I just put a big smile on my face and tell them I'm feeling great. Don't you just get tired of all the games people think they have to play!!! Bless you all, Jo Ellen