What do I say tomorrow?

[pineland]

Please help. I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow for my sister-in-law. The shower is difficult enough to deal with due to my infertility, however, that's not what's worrying me the most. It's my family, my mom and all of my aunts and cousins, etc. Everyone always asks me how I'm feeling, which anymore I tend to just say okay or fine or anything to avoid having to talk about it. When the fact is, I'm not feeling good at all and I'm not mentally handling it very well right now either. I know I shouldn't be that way with people who truly do care and want to know how I am. I think I am beginning to understand why after reading through the invisible disease website that someone suggested. No one really knows what to say to me even when I was honest about how I was feeling, and usually ends up saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, my mom is the worst one for this. She's always telling me that "oh, so and so has that too" or that she's had the same problems. Well, yes, mom has a lot of health problems too, that's why I expect her to understand. Instead she tries to tell me that she's had the same things. That doesn't help. Now I'm to the point where I try to avoid the subject of my health with everyone. That's not going to be possible tomorrow, and i'd feel so guilty telling these people I love and don't get to see very often a lie. I know mom talks to everyone a lot and tells them I'm doing fine, of course I don't tell her how I'm doing so what should I expect, right? I love my mom very much and I do understand somewhat that she just doens't want to see me in pain - yeah, she's in denial. Aargh, so frustrating. How can I tactfully and in a short way be honest to those who I know really do care to hear how I'm feeling? I can't lie to them and tell them I'm doing fine, I'd hate myself for it later.

Please help,
Darcy

[Lady J]

How about- "I've been better but thanks for asking." or "I'm hangin in" or "Well, I'm glad to be here but physically I'm feeling kind of crappy" or " Thanks for asking, I wish I felt better today because I am happy for insert name of person having baby here'
Hang in there, hon, I know how you feel- since my husband and I are dealing with fertility and I have all the icky health issues to boot- it seems we are constantly celebrating other peoples babies. It feels odd to be happy for others and feel so crappy at the same time but that's really the way it is.

[icnTerri]

Here is a really good quote I wrote down when Lesa said it:

When someone says something like, "Oh, you must be feeling better because you're not talking about it..."

The response: "I ALWAYS feel sick, I'm just more sick of complaining about it."

(((((((((((((((((((((((Good Luck)))))))))))))))) tomorrow. I know exactly how you are feeling. Let us know how it goes for you, ok?

[Berry]

Darcy,

You could say what you really mean, simply, "Talking about it makes me feel worse." And then find some way to redirect it to themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. And even if you don't know someone very well you can ask about upcoming weekend plans or what they did last weekend or on their last vacation. Or their kids. Whatever! Just turn the conversation focus away from yourself. And try (as hard as it may be) to put on a happy face. Remember, this is your sister-in-law's day and not your day to belly-ache.

I know how hard it is to be around pregnant women and babies when you can't seem to have them yourself. I had three miscarriages and was so angry at my sisters for having all these kids. Hang in there. And try to find some enjoyment at the party.

[ICNDonna]

How about saying something like, "I still have good days and bad days --- today is a good one because I can be here to share the occasion."

Just a thought.....

Hugs,
Donna

[pineland]

Thank you so much to everyone for your answers. The shower went just fine yesterday, and most of all, the mother-to-be had a great time. I just kept myself busy helping out in any way I could and didn't get much of a chance to talk to anyone really. There were too many people there to be able to have a real conversation -- thankfully. I just stuck with the usual nice greetings and it went fine, I don't even feel guilty. I had my responses all ready in case I needed them though. Of course, I was kind of a walking zombie I think, having only gotten 3 hours sleep the night before and taken pain pills before the shower. So, it's over and it went well, I'm so thankful. Now today's another story of course. I'm indeed paying for all the busiwork I did yesterday. I'm just resting today, when will I ever learn? Thanks to all for your encouragement and good ideas! I will indeed be prepared now whenever I'm asked how I'm feeling.

Darcy