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Communication.......
What an horrible Easter Night, after a wonderful Easter Day......I got sick, hubby wanted company, I said no....blabblabblab etc. Same old crap, just a different holiday. Today we both ended up in tears. Last night was the first time that my hubby has accepted how much this fu*king disease DOES involve his life and how much of HIS life is being taken from him.....this is very emotional for me, and it's hard to talk about but I don't know where else to turn. He admitted to being depressed, which we all know men don't do, and totatlly confused as to what the future holds....and I flat out told him, that it DOES NOT hold me getting better. We talked about how important it is to communicate instead of hollaring and hurting each others feelings. We agreed to put this at the top of the list-to be taken care of daily. We even talked about him going to the dr's and getting some help for while with some anti-depressants {he had to do that once before).
I thought that we had talked this thing thru over and over and over. I NEVER for one second thought that he didn't totally realize the wholeness of this situation. And, it hurts me so bad that he is hurting like he is. I have at least been grieving for a few years now - he has only now started. The guilt I am feeling is all consuming.
He has been so good to me, and normally very very patient. To find out that he was still holding on to the fact that 'it' would someday get better just breaks my heart. Especially when my fibro is getting so much worse. I refuse to tell him about it because I cause him too much stress already.
I want councelling for both of us so bad. There are things that need to be said and I am afraid to say them without the help of someone who is qualified in this sort of thing. I feel like at least if I were going to die, we could cope with that, because we would know that there was an end coming up sometime soon....with this, we could have another 20 years......and it's so totally unfair to him. So far, he refuses the councelling.
I'm not on the pity-pot here. I am hurting for my husband. And, I'm hurting bad. He has walked around pretending that it was all going to get better, like how many of us have held on to that thought, and now, I've pulled the rug out from under him. Even IF they came up with a treatment for IC that would work for me, now that the fibro has moved to my rib cage - the pain is just as sever, it's just in a different place.
We are both very comitted to this marriage and to each other. We love each other very much and most of the time we even like each other a lot too....BUT, I'd rather be in pain than watch him be in the pain that he's in right now, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. It just hurts so bad
I thought that we had talked this thing thru over and over and over. I NEVER for one second thought that he didn't totally realize the wholeness of this situation. And, it hurts me so bad that he is hurting like he is. I have at least been grieving for a few years now - he has only now started. The guilt I am feeling is all consuming.
He has been so good to me, and normally very very patient. To find out that he was still holding on to the fact that 'it' would someday get better just breaks my heart. Especially when my fibro is getting so much worse. I refuse to tell him about it because I cause him too much stress already.
I want councelling for both of us so bad. There are things that need to be said and I am afraid to say them without the help of someone who is qualified in this sort of thing. I feel like at least if I were going to die, we could cope with that, because we would know that there was an end coming up sometime soon....with this, we could have another 20 years......and it's so totally unfair to him. So far, he refuses the councelling.
I'm not on the pity-pot here. I am hurting for my husband. And, I'm hurting bad. He has walked around pretending that it was all going to get better, like how many of us have held on to that thought, and now, I've pulled the rug out from under him. Even IF they came up with a treatment for IC that would work for me, now that the fibro has moved to my rib cage - the pain is just as sever, it's just in a different place.
We are both very comitted to this marriage and to each other. We love each other very much and most of the time we even like each other a lot too....BUT, I'd rather be in pain than watch him be in the pain that he's in right now, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. It just hurts so bad
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