Tweet
Back in May, I experienced the end of a year-long relationship. The man was very supportive of me and my bladder symptoms...however, the bladder symptoms ARE the very reason why things fell apart. He stopped seeing me as sexy and fell out of love with me, while taking on more of a caregiver role. He'd refuse to tell me that I am still beautiful in spite of a horrible disease, because he believed that I'd "become reliant" on him saying so and never develop my own self-esteem...ironically, that very act of his did a number on the self-esteem that I did have.
I know I'm an incredible, valuable, unique, beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman. I have a lot to offer. But I also view my bladder symptoms as SUCH a flaw, one that at times I am afraid will doom me to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I won't be able to find someone who will accept this part of me, and still be able to think I'm beautiful, sexy, attractive, etc. It feels like a curse that makes me unlovable, even though I know deep down that isn't true.
He was there through my surgeries, through my doctor appointments, through the nights where I was up every 3 minutes and spending hours in the bathroom. He was there when I would cry, feeling hopeless from the nonstop urgency and lack of control over my body. He was there when I gained 40 lbs from all the meds they had me taking, and I hated my body. I finally felt comfortable and accepted even when I had to go to bed every night with an ice cube between my legs.
But he stopped wanting me, and I felt that a long time before he admitted it. My bladder plus how terrible I felt about my body from the weight gain put me in a really dark place mentally. The fact that he wouldn't ever compliment me only compounded everything.
I know now that the good things were a facade, and that if he really loved me...no amount of suffering I could endure should be "too much". I just have dark moments of the soul, sitting alone in front of a computer screen while my bladder screams at me and keeps me awake...worrying that this is the one thing that makes me too much to handle. Not worth it. Too much of a burden.
I'm scared to meet someone new, although I want to badly. I've done a lot of inner-healing work in the last few months, but this is the one thing that remains. I feel like it's my cross to bear, and I don't want to be a burden - emotionally or physically, keeping someone up all night while I'm up and down every 45 minutes all night long. I try to hide it from most people I know, and they have no idea. Even if I were to meet someone, it would be a long time before I would spend an overnight visit since that is when my symptoms are at their worst.
I make a very concerted mental effort to avoid feeling this way, but sometimes it's too much. Fear, loneliness, the fatigue of dealing with a disease that most people will never understand. I don't know where to go from here.
I know I'm an incredible, valuable, unique, beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman. I have a lot to offer. But I also view my bladder symptoms as SUCH a flaw, one that at times I am afraid will doom me to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I won't be able to find someone who will accept this part of me, and still be able to think I'm beautiful, sexy, attractive, etc. It feels like a curse that makes me unlovable, even though I know deep down that isn't true.
He was there through my surgeries, through my doctor appointments, through the nights where I was up every 3 minutes and spending hours in the bathroom. He was there when I would cry, feeling hopeless from the nonstop urgency and lack of control over my body. He was there when I gained 40 lbs from all the meds they had me taking, and I hated my body. I finally felt comfortable and accepted even when I had to go to bed every night with an ice cube between my legs.
But he stopped wanting me, and I felt that a long time before he admitted it. My bladder plus how terrible I felt about my body from the weight gain put me in a really dark place mentally. The fact that he wouldn't ever compliment me only compounded everything.
I know now that the good things were a facade, and that if he really loved me...no amount of suffering I could endure should be "too much". I just have dark moments of the soul, sitting alone in front of a computer screen while my bladder screams at me and keeps me awake...worrying that this is the one thing that makes me too much to handle. Not worth it. Too much of a burden.
I'm scared to meet someone new, although I want to badly. I've done a lot of inner-healing work in the last few months, but this is the one thing that remains. I feel like it's my cross to bear, and I don't want to be a burden - emotionally or physically, keeping someone up all night while I'm up and down every 45 minutes all night long. I try to hide it from most people I know, and they have no idea. Even if I were to meet someone, it would be a long time before I would spend an overnight visit since that is when my symptoms are at their worst.
I make a very concerted mental effort to avoid feeling this way, but sometimes it's too much. Fear, loneliness, the fatigue of dealing with a disease that most people will never understand. I don't know where to go from here.
hahaha. 
Comment