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  • Feeling Abandoned

    I'm having a hard time this morning and this wonderful group of people is what immediately came to mind. I've suffered with IC for 5 years now and most recently added some painful vulvodynia to the mix. But through all of that, I met a wonderful man whom I've grown to love tremendously. I know the relationship is 'taboo' as he is 25 years older than me, but he values and respects me and loves me with all of his heart. We have endless fun when we're together and he is the first man who hasn't bolted at the thought of a difficult sex life. All that aside, I knew my parents would struggle with this, but last night I told them and they completely disowned me as long as I continue to date him. And I'm not exaggerating. I love and am so close to my family, this is killing me. My parents say I've destroyed them. I absolutely don't know what to do in this situation, I need advice. Do I walk away from a man I love to save my relationship with my family? It seems I lose either way...
    Current Therapy:
    Pelvic Floor PT exercises
    Diet

    Past Therapy:
    Sacral Neuromodulation (twice)
    Pudendal Nerve Stimulation
    Bladder instillations (self-administered daily)
    Lidocaine urethral injections
    5 Antispasmodic OAB medications
    Biofeedback
    Cyclosporine
    Elmiron
    Botox (200 IU)

  • #2
    Re: Feeling Abandoned

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
    It is horrible that people turn their back on others just because of their likes and dislikes.

    I wish they would get over it because you are happy and that's all that matters. I hope they come around.

    I am usually attracted to older men, so don't see the problem. But I have a wonderful and loving bf who is only 2 years older than me.

    I don't have any advice other than to give them time. Some people need time to process things.
    ----
    Diagnosed Nov 14 via hydro with cysto
    --
    Tried and Didn't work:
    -Hydrodistension
    -Oxybutinin, Troviaz, Vesicare, Cyrotec, Trumadol, cimedidine, myrbetriq, sancuria, imetidine
    -Tried DMSO instill twice and could not hold it for more than 15 min. Put me in 10/10 pain for days.
    -Tried Elmiron
    -Pelvic floor therapy for 2 months Returned this month
    -Interstim Advanced Trial, Pudendal Interstim Trial
    -Gabapentin cream for VV
    - Botox in the pelvic floor & Bladder, Pudendal Nerve Block

    Tried and did work:
    elavil for pain only 25mg a night
    Trying: psychological therapy, doxepin 25mg at night
    Diagnosed:
    PFD, Vulvar vestibulitis, IC

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Feeling Abandoned

      Hi,

      I'm sorry to hear that your family members don't understand. It is your life and your choices. Having said that, they may just be concerned for you.
      I'm with Ceera about giving them some time to wrap their heads around the idea.
      One of my favorite books for dealing with interpersonal conflict is "The Dance of Connection" by Harriet Lerner. It's really great for advice on dealing with family members, even when they absolutely refuse to see your side or cut you off. For myself, every time I've turned to this book, I've found comfort and ideas for how to handle the situation.
      Good luck!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Feeling Abandoned

        Thank you both! I'm just on the fence with this whole situation. Do I act selfish and do what makes me happy, or do I leave him and earn my family back. I don't want to continue my life without either, they're both so important to me for support. I understand their concern, but I just don't get how you turn your back like that so quickly. My father kept describing how I've betrayed him and can't sit on the sidelines watching me destroy my life. He talks about how much he loves me and wants me to be happy, but how do you walk away from someone you love. Happiness can't be conditional.
        Current Therapy:
        Pelvic Floor PT exercises
        Diet

        Past Therapy:
        Sacral Neuromodulation (twice)
        Pudendal Nerve Stimulation
        Bladder instillations (self-administered daily)
        Lidocaine urethral injections
        5 Antispasmodic OAB medications
        Biofeedback
        Cyclosporine
        Elmiron
        Botox (200 IU)

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Feeling Abandoned

          I recently found out that my son was gay. I also found out that he has a partner. I am of the firm belief that your relationships are your own business and if this man makes you happy, then I say go for it!!!!
          Elmiron 2 x 100mg daily for IC
          Relpax 40mg as needed for migraine
          Vitamin D - 1 tablet per day
          Vitamin B - 1 tablet per day
          Iron/Vitamin C Tab - As needed, usually during my period.

          Previous Medications:
          Topamax - 2 x 50mg daily (migraine)

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Feeling Abandoned

            Hi LosingHope! I remember you from when I first started posting on this forum. Other than your relationship situation, how have you been with your IC?

            I've been away for a while and stumbled on this post and had to reply. I am in the very early stages of a relationship with a man who is 23 years older than me (I'm 30 - am I remembering correctly that you are around that age too?). He's a genuinely good guy, we're comfortable together, and have a great connection. I've had "the conversation" with him about my IC and my sexual inexperience because of it, and he took it in stride - which was so refreshing. Honestly, when I had the conversation, I was terrified, but he was not fazed at all and made me feel so ok about it. I think the fact that our guys have had a little more life experience allows them to not run when encountering our special circumstances. Also, I think our circumstances in having to deal with IC make us more mature, and therefore closes some of that age gap.

            I understand and can relate to how hard it is to find relationships when you have IC. I think if you've found a good guy who makes you happy, you should keep him around. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with someone who treats you well. I've been flip flopping about whether to pursue my own relationship with this guy, and decided that it's worth seeing what happens. Even if it doesn't work out, it's good to know that there are men out there who will love and care for us despite our IC.

            A few questions for you: how long have you been seeing this guy? Have your parents met him? Is it purely the age difference that freaks your family out, or are there other issues? What do your friends think?

            I think if you give it time, they might come around. If they see how happy you are and how much he cares for you, they would be foolish to disown you. Give them some time to process. Once they've calmed down, see if you can have a conversation with them to see what's at the root of their worry.

            My family is ok with me pursuing my relationship, but my friends have not been supportive. I don't think you can worry about what other people think. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you. Life can be short, and God knows life with IC can be difficult, and if you have a chance at happiness I think you should go for it.

            Just my two cents. Keep us updated on what happens. I don't know anyone else in a relationship with a similar age difference and I'd love to have someone to talk to about it!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Feeling Abandoned

              I can see both sides of this issue. I can understand your parents' concerns. And I can understand how you are feeling. The only advice I can think of is to carefully evaluate your current situation, as well as what your situation will be in ten or twenty years, before making decisions about your future.

              Sending best wishes for happiness in your future,
              Donna
              Stay safe


              Elmiron Eye Disease Information Center - https://www.ic-network.com/elmiron-p...mation-center/
              Elmiron Eye Disease Fact Sheet (Downloadable) - https://www.ic-network.com/wp-conten...nFactSheet.pdf

              Have you checked the ICN Shop?
              Click on ICN Shop at the top of this page. You'll find Bladder Builder and Bladder Rest, both of which we are finding have excellent results.

              Patient Help: http://www.ic-network.com/patientlinks.html

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              Diet list: https://www.ic-network.com/interstitial-cystitis-diet/

              AUA Guidelines: https://www.ic-network.com/aua-guide...tial-cystitis/

              I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.
              [3MG]

              Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Feeling Abandoned

                It's great to hear from both of you!!

                It's been six months, and this is a man who truly understands, embraces, and loves every piece of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I certainly see the future challenges. But I also see that stuff happens and you can't predict the future. Something could happen to him or He could live to be 95 and we get 40 great years together. That can happen at any age. Heck, I was 25 when I got IC and he's the one taking care of me half the time. Why shouldn't I be willing to do the same when he needs it?

                Asha,

                It's purely the age that freaks them out. But none of their reasoning for the age issues points to our situation, it could all happen with a man my age too. They think he's just playing me, taking advantage of me, etc. but I'm not stupid and I'm not naive. None of those things are this man. We're just a couple of people who can't help that we fell in love with someone controversial. And we deserve a chance to figure out where this goes. My best friend is totally on board with it. She even says she did everything right, married a guy her age, etc and 3 years later she's filing for divorce. She said the mutual respect, fun, and love I have with my boyfriend far outweighs the age difference in a relationship.

                I'm so glad you reached out. It's great to talk to someone my age and going through something similar!
                Current Therapy:
                Pelvic Floor PT exercises
                Diet

                Past Therapy:
                Sacral Neuromodulation (twice)
                Pudendal Nerve Stimulation
                Bladder instillations (self-administered daily)
                Lidocaine urethral injections
                5 Antispasmodic OAB medications
                Biofeedback
                Cyclosporine
                Elmiron
                Botox (200 IU)

                Comment

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