Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

    Hi IC friends-
    I need some prayers, good energy, good vibes... the works.
    I have posted quite a bit about my struggles to regain control of my symptoms that came out of remission last Dec. What I haven't much posted about, is my separation from my husband of 6 yrs., together for 10. We had been in counseling and had still been what I believed to be working on fixing our marriage after he abruptly decided to not return home from a business trip back in Feb 2015. He said we needed to work on our problems. Unfortunately, as I learned just about a week and a half ago, the 'problems' were girlfriends back to back that he lived with. I only recently found this all out when his current girlfriend's friend called my cell phone one night and introduced herself and told me that my husband is living with her friend and that they were becoming suspicious about his marital status. I tried to remain calm, reminded myself that I was dealing with mere children (they told me they are 21). I let them know that we are married and have been for 6 years. That we are in counseling. That we continued to have a sexual relationship. It doesn't even matter to me that the girlfriend thought I was lying to 'break them up.' What matters is that I am a wife, having to explain to a child basically, that I have tried to fix my marriage and have slept with my own husband. That he has exposed me to STDs with his reckless behavior. That he has for 10 years never stopped lying EVER. EVER. He pathologically lies to get what he wants and/or needs. He blame some all his problems on others. He is irresponsible. Why did I not leave earlier is a good question. After my hubby found out that his child mistress had spoken to me, he proceeded to use 2 of his cell phones to write fabricated texts back and forth between him and myself admitting that I had lied to her to 'break them up.' I can't describe the depth of fear and sickness in my heart when this girlfriend sent me screenshots of this supposed text conversation admitting I wasn't his wife and that I hadn't slept with him in years and that I just wanted him to be miserable. During the time that he has been gone, I've worked FT until my symptoms wouldn't allow it. He only gave me $300 MAYBE a month for 2 kids while I worked. When I had to quit, we agreed on $1500, but he told me that he was really stretching it. Yes, stretching it so much that he could afford to buy a new 5 series BMW. This is not a joke. He has never been there for me with my IC, I was pregnant with our older daughter when I first developed symptoms, and when my 1st obgyn suggested an abortion to see if it would end my bladder pain, he agreed it was probably the best option. Now I see that as his trying to get out of responsibility for dealing with something he didn't want to. This is his pattern. He seems delighted not to have to deal with my current symptoms, tells me that he doesn't think I cannot work yet, says he will not agree to maintenance (which used to be called alimony in IL where we live). He feels I am just exaggerating my pain and that he will not spend his hard earned income to allow me to sit on my butt for the rest of my life. I have no idea who this person even is, and I realize I probably never did. He is a perpetual chameleon, a natural deceiver. He uses people and molds situations to be most advantageous to him, and will not even apologize or acknowledge deception when caught in a lie. Instead, he will try to make the person deceived feel that they are either to blame, crazy, or both. My psychiatrist, who has never met him, but has heard a lot about him, is concerned that he may be a sociopath, or a narcissist, or a combination of the 2 personality disorders. He obviously hasn't treated him to diagnose, but last time I had an appointment, he pulled out the DSM guide and showed me how many of these characteristics match my hubby's behavior. It's terrifying and enlightening at the same time to even have to ponder if this could be the person I married. I feel like I won't ever trust a man again. EVER. I told my friends and family I'd rather be an old cat lady with grandchildren when they come, than be in a relationship again. My body feels like a shell. I can't even experience emotion right now, I feel numb (well except for the whole bladder in a temper tantrum thing called IC). I am doing all the right things, seeing a therapist and seeing a psychiatrist (which I was already for many yrs due to my anxiety). They feel that I am doing well enough under the circumstances. But it is sooooo much up and down emotionally all day everyday right now. I just don't even understand why he didn't just tell me he didn't want to be married anymore and go off with one of his girlfriends. Why sleep with me still? It makes no sense. My family and friends say it is because of my level of. attractiveness, which he doesn't seem to be finding in these other girls. I do not want to sound immodest, but this seems to be the constant with men and me, even before I was with my hubby. They only see what I look like, once they actually get to know me, they become disenchanted. It feels like a curse, and I seriously do not want to ever date again because of it. I will always be wondering, like I do now with my own hubby, if I am nothing but someone who is physically appealing and nothing more to men. Please ladies, I am not being silly and bragging about my looks, so if you want to judge, don't. I have talked with this to my therapist recently because it has gotten so bad that I literally go into shut down mode when any man tries to talk to me and mentions my looks. So much damage done by this relationship. I am concerned that my own daughters will grow up thinking this treatment of women is ok. I am afraid their father will constantly have them around a stream of different women, and what it will do to their view of me. Of what he may tell them about me, how he might slander me to my own kids. I am in need of advice, insight, and prayer. Any and all will be welcomed and appreciated during this difficult time.
    ~Jen
    IC 2006, environmental allergies 2009 (I'm allergic to planet earth basically), fashionista since birth
    Elmiron 400mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Klonopin 0.5mg
    Have tried many other meds/supplements/treatments.

  • #2
    Re: Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

    Hi Jen,
    I'm sooooo sorry you have to deal with this on top of IC and the rest. It just seems so unfair.
    I think for you that because of your looks you attract a certain kind of man, a man who likes pretty things and easy things, not one who requires help and is needy , like we are. You are just being realistic, you know if you look good or not and we should all acknowledge it. Going forward I would date through the internet with an ambiguous photo, or even better no photo at all. Get to know the other person as a person , then when you've made a connection they can see what you look like. It is so true that beauty can attract the wrong sort of guy. We are all going to end up ugly wrinkled and unappealing so we really need to try find a kindred spirit or soul mate who loves you for you, ( IC warts and all)
    He's a cheater, and will always be a cheater. He will do it to the next one and so on and so forth.
    I applaud the young girl for contacting you, she needs to know and must feel just awful about the situation too. He has exposed you to STD's and I hope you have had that all checked out?
    How are you children coping??
    He will probably try to slander you as you say, but you have to be bigger than that and keep showing them that you are not that person he will make you out to be. They will learn, but it will be rough.
    As for the money-are there rules that govern the amount you get from your ex spouse. In Australia we get a proportion if their income at the percentage you have custody. For example if he has them every second weekend like is common here, you get 80% of their costs awarded to you. It also goes on your income.
    You know your better off without him, you're smart and you must know that!!!!! But it doesn't help the pain and rejection does it???
    I know you feel empty now, but I would get back on that horse and internet date soon , it will make you feel wanted again, even in some small way. Remember don't put a photo if you can help it, or find the worst possible photo of yourself in sunglasses to keep them wondering.
    Good luck, and please let us know how you go.
    UTI 3/2015
    IC ,PFD
    prescribed meds: Endep 60mg, Elmiron 400mg, BC. Enablex 7.5mg.

    Supplements: Chitomur peptide, colostrum, Echinacea, liver detox swisse, calcium citrate, glucosamine, Psyllium Husk.

    Daily diet: Breakkie- oats with chia seeds and no fat milk. Post workout-turkey breast with mixed veggies. Lunch-raw green soup with rye roll and handful of peanuts/almonds. Dinner- changes but meat and veg. Dessert-banana and sugar free custard (homemade) or banana and apple bake with almonds cinnamon and honey with a dollop of coconut cream.


    Tried: tramadol, cystoprotek, multi right, diazepam, vesicare, Ditropan, mirabegron, Flomax, lyrica, progesterone.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

      Thanks A. I don't think the girlfriend he is living with actually feels bad, I think she just is too blinded by his lies and charming personality to allow herself to know that I have told her the truth. I think he may have even bought her a car, but we have to wait in the US until both spouses supply the court with a financial affidavit detailing monthly living expenses, bank account info, health insurance and life insurance info, as well as 401k, stocks, vehicles, property... right now my lawyer and I are waiting on his. In the US we have 'child support' and 'maintenance', which really is just payments to the spouse awarded them in order for them to continue to live in the manner established during the marriage. So he can be ordered to pay both, or only child support. I will most likely be awarded primary parental responsibility (used to be called custody) because the girls have lived with me while he was out finding 21 year old girls to live with. My lawyer also asked for my fair share of our marital assets, but he is claiming there are none, he rents an apartment and I am living with my dad, due to stress and IC. But he does have the BMW, a model which starts at $50000USD used. It's about $80k for a new one. So we have to wait on his financial affidavit and if it seems off request the court to subpoena his info. In the meantime, he just gets to live his newly luxurious lifestyle with his girlfriend while I deal with IC and kids, kids and IC all day everyday. His cell phone account and health insurance were in my name, so I turned those off. Funny he can buy an expensive car, but it took him 4 days to contact me AT ALL and he did so from his work phone. He either doesn't have a new cell or won't give me the number. He's a completely unfit parent as well, but my lawyer says it's very difficult to prove in order to get supervised visitations. I sent her an email outlining my concerns, such as when I was still working and he was off on Sundays, he'd drop them back off at my dad's house whether I was home or not and I suppose just assumed my dad was home. This caused my 9 and 7 yr olds to
      be left home alone on several occasions. Also, he likes to play WWE wrestling with them, body slam them into the couch as play, but my 9 yr old told me she once got a bloody nose from it. There are other things, but I won't list all here.
      My kids are ok. They have a sense that their dad may not be exactly right in the head. They absolutely don't want to live with him.
      I was just STD tested today. I couldn't get in with my obgyn until then. He couldn't believe it. He has been my obgyn through both pregnancies and knows my hubby well. He was disgusted.
      I appreciate the dating advice, but I feel like it is too soon. I feel extremely closed off and shut down to anyone except my kids. My family has always disliked my hubby, so they are happy he is gone and don't understand my distress. I don't like mentioning the looks thing, but it has been the bane of my existence since I started to date in my teens. It's not all there is. We WILL be wrinkly one day, and looks do not determine a person's character. Funnily, my hubby is a little obsessed with looks, even though he is average looking. I tend to gravitate towards those types of men because I value character. Unfortunately, I am not the best judge of character, since I got myself into this 10 year mess. I adopted a kitten with my daughters recently, and told my friends he is the first in what is soon to be a collection. I really do not want male attention any time soon, if ever. I literally have no time and if I did, I'd rather spend it reading or seeing friends. It's my comfort zone.
      The support is so appreciated! I just cannot believe I am having to deal with this at the same time as IC, but I am sure there are others who are dealing with worse.
      ~Jen
      IC 2006, environmental allergies 2009 (I'm allergic to planet earth basically), fashionista since birth
      Elmiron 400mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Klonopin 0.5mg
      Have tried many other meds/supplements/treatments.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

        Sounds like he's living the easy life for sure. Hopefully the kids can express their wishes as they get older, here it is 12 and they can decide what they want to do. My son was 18 when he decided not to see his father at all, and he wished he could have done it earlier, but I stressed the importance of him having a relationship with him. However I couldn't make him see him after he turned 18 of course. I hope one day it changes, and they can be mates again.
        I understand you have no wish to date, totally normal at this point I'm sure. But when you do I hope you find a heartfelt wonderful man who's interests are pure.
        I'm glad your family is supportive. Where would we be without them!!!!!!
        You are right that there is always someone out there who is worse off but this is YOUR worst and it's totally consuming for you. I really empathize with you.
        Keep smiling.....fake it till ya make it:-)
        UTI 3/2015
        IC ,PFD
        prescribed meds: Endep 60mg, Elmiron 400mg, BC. Enablex 7.5mg.

        Supplements: Chitomur peptide, colostrum, Echinacea, liver detox swisse, calcium citrate, glucosamine, Psyllium Husk.

        Daily diet: Breakkie- oats with chia seeds and no fat milk. Post workout-turkey breast with mixed veggies. Lunch-raw green soup with rye roll and handful of peanuts/almonds. Dinner- changes but meat and veg. Dessert-banana and sugar free custard (homemade) or banana and apple bake with almonds cinnamon and honey with a dollop of coconut cream.


        Tried: tramadol, cystoprotek, multi right, diazepam, vesicare, Ditropan, mirabegron, Flomax, lyrica, progesterone.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

          Divorce is always --- always --- difficult. It is going to take time to dig your way out, but you will get there. The best advice I can think of is patience --- and listen to your lawyers. When I divorced my first husband, I was devastated --- but if I had lived my life in any other way, I wouldn't be looking forward to my 45th anniversary with my wonderful second husband.


          Donna
          Stay safe


          Elmiron Eye Disease Information Center - https://www.ic-network.com/elmiron-p...mation-center/
          Elmiron Eye Disease Fact Sheet (Downloadable) - https://www.ic-network.com/wp-conten...nFactSheet.pdf

          Have you checked the ICN Shop?
          Click on ICN Shop at the top of this page. You'll find Bladder Builder and Bladder Rest, both of which we are finding have excellent results.

          Patient Help: http://www.ic-network.com/patientlinks.html

          Sub-types https://www.ic-network.com/five-pote...markably-well/

          Diet list: https://www.ic-network.com/interstitial-cystitis-diet/

          AUA Guidelines: https://www.ic-network.com/aua-guide...tial-cystitis/

          I am not a medical authority nor do I offer medical advice. In all cases, I strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.
          [3MG]

          Anyone who says something is foolproof hasn't met a determined fool

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

            That sounds horrible, honestly. At least you are aware that your abuser is trying to gaslight you, unlike the girlfriends who are gonna get burned

            Also, I do know where you're coming from in terms of the appearance factor. My first girlfriend straight-up told me during an argument that she was only with me for sex because I was stupid and had nothing going for me but my looks. Shortly after, I found out she basically had phone sex with another girl (really explicit conversations) and then there was a dramatic break-up. I've only had relationships with men since—surprise, surprise Regardless of gender, shallow people suck, both for the "attractive" people that they objectify and for the "unattractive" people that they mock.

            It's good that your family and mental health professionals are supporting you, though. When you look back at this time in your life, I think you will be proud of how strong you were.

            Chronic conditions: IC, bipolar disorder, Lown-Ganong-Levine syndrome, Raynaud's disease, bile reflux, scoliosis
            Current IC treatments: menstrual suppression
            Daily treatments for other conditions: Neurontin, Zyprexa, Cymbalta, Modafinil
            As-needed treatments for other conditions: Klonopin, Ambien

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Difficult divorce, need some insight and support

              Thank you Green. I was a little afraid to post how I felt about being objectified for my looks because I know it can sound, especially in writing, shallow. It's good to at least feel not so alone in that department. It's not like I am a supermodel or something, so I don't want anyone thinking that! It's just that it's hard to know that men seem to only be interested in talking to me because of what I look like. I can give an example. So I said I wouldn't date. I am a fashion lover and I am basically married to my closet and my handbags. So I naturally have a preferred tailor shop. I've known the owner, who is only a little older than myself, for years. The last time I was in, he struck up a longer than usual conversation and asked me if he could take me out for a drink (haha right?) sometime. I told him I wasn't really ready to date right now, he told me to let him know if I ever changed my mind. He's not really attractive, so I was not really compelled to go. Anyway, I actually discussed it with some friends and they told me why not give him a chance, he's pretty nice, owns his own business, etc. So I actually go ahead and let him know that if he still wanted to get a drink (yeah, a drink of water for me lol), I would go. So he asks for my phone number and we agree to set something up. Instead, he decides to start sending the most ick inducing texts about how attractive I am to him, how hot I am, calling me 'cutie' 'sweetie' and worst of all 'baby'. I tried to steer the conversation to let's go out and get to know each other over the course of a few days of this ridiculous texting. Nope. He was not being swayed. I tried to tell him about myself and ask him about himself-- nah, not interesting enough to him as discussing my 'hotness'. So I finally called him out on it. He then tells ME he really wasn't 'feeling it' anyway. Yep. Soooo. Yeah. At this point in my life, I am so done. This guy was not even the type of guy I'd normally even give an opportunity to, and this is how I was treated. Yuck.
              On the divorce front, my hubby admitted the other day that he 'doesn't feel emotions, and he doesn't know why'. Hmm, was that just him admitting to having anti social personality disorder? Because I KIND of feel like it was. That's why he doesn't care who in his life he uses and tosses aside. 10 years with that kind of person, yep, therapy for a loooonnng time. Long time. And no dating. Probably ever. I'm 31, feeling a lot older than my years due to IC, the second time loss of my career to it, single parenting 24/7, and overall stress of trying to make it all work. I don't think I could bear another responsibility like a relationship ever again. What does make me super happy is that I did have children, so I will at least have the opportunity for grandchildren one day. I have some sadness because I had hoped to have one more child, but in the famous word(s) of Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter fans will know), ALAS! It is not to be. Oh well. You know what might be meant to be though? The lavender Prada Saffiano tote I've had my eye on for my bday in Feb. I think we are soulmates. Well soul family. Can't leave out my other beauties sitting in my closet or they'll feel bad (and yes, my fashion habit is how I dealt with my hubby for these past years, I know, get thee to a therapist!)
              Seriously though, thanks for all the kind words ladies. It means a lot.
              ~Jen
              IC 2006, environmental allergies 2009 (I'm allergic to planet earth basically), fashionista since birth
              Elmiron 400mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Klonopin 0.5mg
              Have tried many other meds/supplements/treatments.

              Comment

              Working...
              X