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May have to give my ministry. Am CRUSHED

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  • May have to give my ministry. Am CRUSHED


    I just need to vent. Even if you don't have any advice for me it's just comforting to know that someone out there is going through rough days as well.

    I am currently on SSD for a severe IC. I had always had a dream of starting a non-profit ministry (which hasn't been formed yet - but you can view the website at to help other women get out of the adult entertainment industry.

    The problem, is that since I got SSD approved and tried to form a ministry my condition has gotten WORSE. Most days I am confined to the house and can't leave the buring pain and peeing is so unbearable. I have been asked to do radio and TV shows and speaking engagements and have had to decline. My ministry is ready to boom while my pain is unbearable. I have been to my urologist who said that there are no other treatment options for me (I've been through 17 years of doctors and treatments). She tells me there is NOTHING. She doesn't know of my ministry and would be very upset if she knew because she said that stress makes my condition worse. I guess it was wishful thinking on my part? I must be in a state of denial. I guess it's hard to face the fact that I'm broken.

    Stress does infact make it worse. The bigger the ministry gets, I find the worse my pain gets. It also doesn't help that there are other people out there who are jealous of me and try to cause trouble and more stress in my life. No one understands this. When I try to pull back, I'm told that "I'm just trying to live off the state" or "I need to be out there fighting for God." No one seems to be hearing the fact that I am in PAIN.

    What many don't realize, is that I spend several nights crying in pain and over the fact that I am such a broken doll. I want NOTHING more than to be able to minister to women and get healed and off disability. I want NOTHING MORE than to make my ministry work but the pain and constant peeing gets so unbearable all I can do is crawl up in ball and weep. I often ask God "How much longer will you let me suffer like this?"

    A little background on me. I've been though all the treatments. Interstim, drugs, instillations... nothing has worked for me. Not even PT. I'm told that I have this chronic.

    Thanks for listening,

  • #2
    Oh, Susan. How heartbreaking. That would be crushing to have a dream and feel as though it is slipping right through your fingers.

    Here's my thought: if this is a call from God He will find a way to make it happen. It may not be on your timetable or quite the way you've envisioned it, but He will make it happen if it is His will.

    Maybe you can pray for vision to see what next steps He would have you take. Maybe that would be to take a break from it for now; maybe to delegate more of the tasks; maybe to do more of the work from home by computer or by phone; maybe to do print interviews. The sky is the limit for God.

    And if it isn't His will then maybe He has something else wonderful in mind for you.

    I will say some prayers for you. I know this must be so incredibly sad for you when YOU know what you want to do, but your body prevents it or slows it down.

    Diagnosed August 2001

    Current IC meds: Elmiron (since 2001), Levaquin (one pill after intercourse to prevent UTIs), Effexor (for depression & anxiety)

    Past IC meds: Amitriptyline (Elavil), Hydroxyzine (Vistaril), Detrol LA, Lexapro (for depression & anxiety, but also helped my IC) (They all helped, but I was able to discontinue them.)

    I've been virtually symptom free and able to eat & drink whatever I'd like for about 8 years now.


    “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” ~ Viktor Frankl

    “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” ~ Brian Tracy


    • #3
      Thanks for your kind words and help. I really appreciate it. What I feel God is telling me to do is to find another urologist when I move to the Tampa area and get a 2nd opinion. Maybe the new one will have another therapy system that will at least take the edge off so I can somewhat function. If .. after the second opinion, than I will see about shutting it down. But I think I at least need to get a second opinion. Right now we live in Knoxville but we are moving to Florida shortly.

      Much love and hugs,


      • #4

        I dont have any answers for you, but I think Kim had some great advice. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I hope things get better for you!



        • #5
          Oh Susan, I too am so so sorry to hear this - I wish I had some sage advice to give, but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers!
          How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...

          Harry arrived 2/23/09!

          *IC Volunteers are not medical authorities nor do we offer medical advice. In all cases, we strongly encourage you to discuss your medical treatment with your personal medical care provider. Only they can, and should, give medical recommendations to you.

          IC Diet Cheat Sheet:

          IC dx'd Nov 2004
          Lymphocytic Colitis dx'd July 2005
          Possible IBS
          Current IC Meds
          Vistaril 25mg in the evening
          Previous IC Meds taken:
          Cystoprotek - 2 caps 2x's a day
          Elmiron, 100mg 3x's a day
          Ditropan, 5 mg 3x's a day
          Wellbutrin 150mg 2x's a day for Anxiety/IBS
          Pepcid 40mg a day for GERD
          Zytrec for Nasal Allergies
          Align Probiotic daily for IBS


          • #6
            You are in my prayers also.

            Those whom God has great plans for, Satan targets the most. You know if you suffer greatly then Satan fears your ministry the most.

            Pray and ask God to lead you in His path, not what YOU want, but what HE wants. If HE wants this ministry then it WILL succeed. If it isn't meant to be, then you will know it. Sometimes these are just OUR plans, even if we WANT them to be GOD's plans.

            Leave it in God's capable hands, and He will lead.


            • #7
              Susan I am so sorry that you feel like your dreams are being shut down. I believe if this is going to happen God has already prepared another door to open for you and if it is meant for you to keep this ministry HE will not allow this door to shut and make a way for you. I can't help thinking about what Kim said," the timing is in his hands."

              I know sometimes it is very hard when not knowing the outcome of all this, but that is when we have to trust that God is able to work good things in our lives, even sometimes we have to put it in his hands daily. You might feel like you lost a battle but the war isn't over yet.

              Sending hugs, Trishann


              • #8
                'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'


                • #9
                  Hi, Susan. I, too, am sending some big hugs and prayers your way.

                  I have struggled with the same feelings. I wonder what my ministry can be if I'm sick. What I found was in the last few years, God has been using me in spite of my physical weaknesses. My IC is not as severe as yours, but still working a regular job - especially a couple of years ago - would have been impossible. God has blessed me to be able to work from home on my own schedule. NOt exactly what I had planned, but exactly what I needed.

                  You might also check out It's a ministry for people living with chronic pain and illness. They have a daily devotion through e-mail you can sign up for. It often says exactly what I need to hear that day. I actually started a support group similar to theirs at my church. We only meet once a month, but it is great to fellowship and share with others facing similar struggles. ONe thing we often talk about is how when we're not feeling well and can only lay on the couch, at least we can pray. Prayer is our strongest tool anyway. One woman has shared how much more she's gotten into the Bible these last few years she's been on disability. When she was working she didn't have time.

                  Maybe your ministry right now is quieter through prayer and things at home. Finding God's direction is sometimes difficult. Accepting His timing can be difficult as well. I will be praying for you.
                  ~ Stacey