Fights will not be tolerated

[icnmgrjill]

Someone posted today why a certain patient is no longer posting on the ICN boards. I've removed that post (and name) for privacy sake and offer the following as context:

A few weeks ago, two patients violated our board guidelines by engaging in a fight via posts and emails. Each offered posts and/or emails that were insulting, offensive and extremely hurtful to each other. Both parties then provided me with copies of the posts and/or emails.

In contacting each to try to resolve the situation, BOTH said that they were leaving the ICN that day. I agreed. BOTH forgot that the ICN is a support group and NOT the place for fights like this. Had they not volunteered to leave, both would have had their privileges suspended for a period of time to "cool off."

We will NOT tolerate posts which insult, slander and/or hurt other patients. In the years that we've had message boards, fights have occurred about once a year. This was probably the most offensive dispute that I've ever read.

I believe in my heart that BOTH parties are very nice people. I think it was a situation where both were in pain and/or having a truly horrible day. But, that's no excuse what happened that day.

If EITHER wants their privileges to post returned, they need to contact me personally by phone (not email). If, after discussion, I believe that they will not do this again, I may return their posting privileges.

Jill O.

[CarolynSW]

Dear Sammie,
I have been coming to this message board since 1997, off and on. I'm not involved in running the board or monitoring any of the forums. Like you, I'm just a person with interstitial cystitis. You seem like a caring and honest person, and based on that, I think I can say that it is very unlikely that you would ever be "banned" from the message board. As Jill said, this is an unusual occurrence. It doesn't happen when people simply write about how they feel or have a disagreement. It happens when people attack each other. Because this is a monitored support board, there isn't any place for personal attacks. You asked about people not being allowed to post here if they were just attacking each other in e-mails. That wasn't the case here. Clearly, there were numerous posts on the message board that were personal attacks. And, if someone comes to this board to talk about IC, I would say that if they start receiving personal e-mails from other board members, that are attacking in nature, Jill needs to protect that person by removing the privileges of the ones who are doing the attacking. This has happened very rarely on this board, but it has occasionally been necessary. If someone is friends with a person who can't post here anymore, they can always e-mail them privately to find out how they are doing. Finally, about your perception that there are cliques...I only come here from time to time, so I don't have ongoing relationships with anyone. I find it helpful to remember that all the people who visit these boards are simply people with a disease. None of them have the responsibility of responding to my posts. I notice that one newcomer may get 14 responses, and another may get 2 responses. It usually has to do with whether or not there was something in the message that struck a chord with people. Often, people get to know each other by using the chat rooms. If you'd like to have ongoing relationships with people on the board, that seems to be the best way to do it. Then those people in the chat room will recognize your name when you post, and they will be familiar with your history, and they'll be more likely to respond. I haven't had time to go to the chat rooms, so I don't really expect people to remember who I am. My experience has been that people here are compassionate even as they go through their own problems and challenges. I'm sorry that you didn't receive as many responses as you'd hoped, and I'm sure that it wasn't intentional on anyone's part. I'll try to come to the board more often and look for messages that you've left, and respond if I have any info that might be helpful. I hope you have a good day. Here in Oregon it is supposed to get to 98 degrees today. And in my opinion, that's not good!
Take care,
Carolyn

[ICNDonna]

One of the reasons for our Board Guidelines is to help people understand what is and is not acceptable on the boards --- and why.

We do stress that we discuss "issues" --- not personalities. And yes, we do get to know each other after a while --- it's kind of like any group of people. But --- I do read every post; it can be time consuming so if I feel a question has been answered satisfactorily, I may not add a response.

I would encourage anyone who has questions about the boards to contact me with your concerns.

<img src="graemlins/grouphug.gif" border="0" alt="[grouphug]" />
Donna

[icnmgrjill]

Hi Sammie & Chady,

Sammy, if you read the board guidelines, you'll see the code of conduct that we require. Being on this board is just like walking into a real support group. We expect people to be, above all else, kind to each other. It's when people cross the line and say hurtful things, or engage in a personal attack.

Here's an example of something that we would immediately delete. "Jill, you are an unworthy, egotistical effing *****.". And, whoever, said that, would likely be contacted by email or phone to ask what is going on.. and to try to resolve the situation.

However, if that person repeatedly "loses it" on our site despite our warnings, then we will terminate their ability to post on our site. In the case mentioned above, however, we didn't have to do that. Both parties said that they were leaving... and that made my job easier. Plus, I did give them the opportunity to return if they called me to talk about what happened.

Are you banned from saying their name? Of course not. I just didn't include the two names for privacy sake. I didn't feel that it was necessary to embarass them more. Atleast one of the two were already quite embarassed enough.

Chady - The reason we have a "Neurostimulation - challenges" board is so that you CAN talk about your problems freely and openly. The only thing that you can't do is mention a doctors name, as that opens up the ICN to some liability issues. But, you can certainly share your experiences with Interstim and your concerns. I wouldn't have put that board up there... if I didn't feel that it was important for patients to have some place to talk about their problems with the device and procedures.

I don't know who is persisting in saying that we can't talk about failures or successes. The ICN is about sharing both the pros and the cons.. and I can't remember the last time I deleted a post in any of the interstim boards. So, if you have a failure story, please share. In addition, patients who have successes, can also share those in our success stories boards.

Jill O.

[Shelleynz]

<img src="graemlins/hi.gif" border="0" alt="[hi]" /> everyone, Jill I thought I'd better own up. I think it's my post called About Venting on the Venting Board that you might be looking for.

I wasn't talking about fights which I agree, shouldn't tolerated, esp. swearing at you Jill. I was concerned that the Venting Bd. was removed for a few days after the AUA Conference b/c some of the doctors there said that some of the posts on our Bds. were scaring new patients. As I said, IC is a scary disease and we've all been scared.

Chady also replied to my post About Venting. I felt I'd helped her by bringing up that issue, so she could talk about her problems, the poor lady. I hope she feels confident about posting on the Inter-stim Bds. now.

Also I want to re-assure the new lady who started this topic that I usually get 3 replies to my posts too. I've been visiting these Boards for over a year now and guess that's about average.
Shelley

[nccarol]

Sammie, Welcome and I have been on for awhile and sometimes I don't get as many answers as I would like to but I think I am not on as often or don't post new topics. I am still finding my way around too. Wanted to say welcome and keep coming back it takes time and the info in worth it. Sometimes if someone cannot answer your question right away then a week later someone may relate and your posts are always still there. If you go to the left of the main messages and click on it pulls up old messages. Hope I am explaining this right I got confused with it at first. Anyway welcome. <img src="graemlins/hi.gif" border="0" alt="[hi]" />